The Columbia Federalist December 2019 Issue

Volume XXXVIII • Issue 2 • December 2019

the FEDERALIST Columbia's Only Newspaper That Calls The War On Christmas a "Police Action"

SANTA'S HELPERS EDITORIAL BOARD Luis Vera and Alexander Horn Feditors-in-Chief Joseph Baer Managing Editor Annie Iezzi and Samuel Millner Head Submissions Editors

Dear Mensches on Benches, We at The Federalist are proud to debut our Holiday issue, the most festive thing to hit Columbia’s campus since that time sophomore year when you got head after Tree Lighting. We hope that this edition will live up to those lofty expectations — and yes, hot-cocoa-flavored condoms are as genius of a business idea now as they were then. Get on it, econ snakes.

What a whirlwind of a semester this has truly been, fair readers. We’ve made you laugh; we’ve made you cry; we’ve made quite a few of you mad at us for ridiculing the BDS referendum (guilty as charged). But through it all, you

ASSOCIATE BOARD

have kept on performing the three essential activities which keep The Fed going — liking our Facebook posts; using

Gustie Owens Layout Editor

our print editions as rolling paper for your ‘marijuana cigarettes’; and most importantly, showering us editors with

Matthew Nola Phillip Ruddy Amelia Fay Wesley Schmidt Submissions Editors Jaysen Zhang Graphics Editor Nikhil Mehta Online Editor Nurasyl Shókeyev Video Editor Julia Schreder European Bureau Chief Garrison Grogan Senior Correspondent Michelle Dandeneau Undertaker James McShane American Hero Benjamin Most and Ani Wilcenski Senior Editors 2

A Dispatch from the Feditors

the fame and adoration that is our proper birthright. For all of this — and most of all, for your continued loyalty as readers — we thank you.

This may be the last print edition of the semester, but never fear: even over the break, our brave, tireless journalists will never rest — assuming, that is, that they have not yet escaped their cages. Our website (www.columbiafederalist.com) will continue to be updated, ensuring that you maintain a ready supply of the only accurate information left in the world since Disney bought all the newspapers. And of course, we look forward to seeing you all in the Spring — hopefully, Santa will leave us something extra offensive in our stockings. We can’t wait to share it with you.

Peace, love, All Hail Supreme Overlord Mickey, Alex and Luis The Feditors-In-Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: dynamic fluid PAGE 4: stubborn fluids PAGE 5: your presence =/= a present PAGE 6: noise cancelling airpods PAGE 7: Milk PAGE 8-9: home sweet home PAGE 10: read the bible again PAGE 11: sp3c?

PAGE 12: brexit PAGE 13: the real problem is in Yemen.

PAGE 14: do not pull trig on the downtown one.

PAGE 15: Tindergarten

Cover Artwork by Zach Ginsberg

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

POPPIN BOTTLES

Tuition (Ass)istance

By Leif Wood please venmo him You probably have heard of Columbia’s Basketball Mania Tuition Assistance program, where if you can sink a half court shot (or three) you can get a year's tuition (if tuition was $50,000). However, here are some other super exciting ways Columbia can help you with its engorged price tag:

The University Unicycle Race

The Water-Bottle Guy Is a Prize-Winning Physicist Studying Fluid Dynamics

By Nurasyl Shokeyev into dynamic fluids It was an unassuming afternoon on Low Steps. The Water Bottle Guy—also known as Captain Bayonne in honor of his hometown of Bayonne, New Jersey—was preparing for his 60th attempt of the day to project a plastic bottle into the recycling can using only the strength of his legs. Few believed that this attempt would be successful. Even fewer still could predict that it would change the field of fluid dynamics forever.

Arthur Ashkin, a Nobel Laureate who has met Captain Bayonne when the latter was working his side-gig in the Columbia Admissions office, claims that this milestone can only be compared to when an apple fell

December 2019

on Newton’s head, prompting him to derive the universal law of gravitation. “Such events are like sex,” Ashkin stated. “We physicists can only expect such breakthroughs at most once in our lifetimes.”

But what is so ground-breaking about this theory? Dr. Ashkin explains that Captain Bayonne found a way to reconcile the liquid and the plastic-bottle force fields: “Maxwell did the same with electromagnetism, but that was obviously a lot more trivial than what was achieved by our dear Water Bottle Guy.” At press time, the whole of Columbia is eagerly awaiting for the Nobel Prize committee to recall this year’s physics prize from Jim Peebles, Michel Mayor, and Didier Queloz, and award it to its rightful winner: Captain Bayonne!

NOBLE PRIZES

If you can win this famous unicycle race that goes not only down Low Steps, but also up them, (without falling off of your unicycle) then you may get free tuition for a year. It will also be paid out to you in the form of unicycles.

Have fun trying to sell them on eBay while staring down the loaded shotgun that is student debt!

The Hot Dog Eating Contest

If you can swallow more diggity dogs in 15 minutes than Dean Valentini himself (record stands at 572), then you can win a semester of free tuition. It will be paid out to you in the form of meal swipes. Valuing each at 15 dollars, that’s a whopping 3,561 meal swipes—you’ll never go hungry!* *This award does not count towards your required meal plan

Sober Quarters Competition

but have you heard of sober quarters? If you bounce more quarters into a cup than our president (of partying), then you could be awarded some undisclosed amount of tuition assistance. To stay on theme the money will be shipped to your home in 32 separate packages— all in quarters!

Indentured Servitude

If you don’t consider yourself a competitive person look no further— in this game everyone wins! All you have to do is sign up and play with some of your fellow students doing tasks around campus. In exchange you will get tuition paid out at a rate of 3.50 per hour. WOW! Not only that but your contract will last until you have paid for all of it— no need to worry about being laid off. It's not a job, it's not work-study, it's a contractually binding lifelong game.

Challenge The Water Bottle Guy

If you challenge the water bottle guy to a water bottle trash can competition and win, then he has to pay for your tuition. Those are just the rules. Don’t ask.

Vigilantism

For every criminal you catch from the Clery Crime Alerts, Mr. McShane will personally pay for 1/5000th of your tuition. We are all in this together folks— do your part!

You’ve all heard of the drinking game quarters,

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IT'S NOT WEED

List: Is this person Op-Ed: If JFK talking about vaping in Drove a Tesla 2019 or homosexuality Cybertruck, in 1959?

By Nick Ribolla is he gay or does he vape?

“Listen, I don’t have any problem with it. Do what you want, really. Everyone has their little way to get off.”

“I just don’t think people should be doing it in public. I mean, I was in a restaurant the other day and these 2 guys next to us were just going crazy.

Come on! My kids are with me!”

“Not to be that guy... but, do we really know what that does to your health?”

“Nothing wrong with it. I just think it’s a bit fruity, is all.”

“Eisenhower did this.”

“Oh, yeah. I know a few people who do that. Isn’t Michael’s cousin one of those?”

“Look, I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. Who hasn’t! But just smoke a cigarette and work a desk job like the rest of us.”

“Have you told your parents you’re into that now?”

“The first time I laid my

eyes on Henry, he was uprooting weeds in his mom’s garden. His arms were full and tight as he stuck his hands into the wet earth.

Sweat was dripping off his brow, and my jaw was on the floor…He had always been the quiet kid in class, but suddenly he had bloomed, and there was no going back. He radiated manhood out of every pulsing vein and clenched tendon…. Have you got an extra pod? Mine just ran out.”

“I’m a family man. I can’t be caught sucking down on something like that, but God knows I think about

He Would Still Be Alive

By Amelia Fay, Nury Shokeyev, & Gustie Owens can all drive, well

Last week, Tesla did an on-stage smash test of the bulletproof windows on its new Cybertruck. Unfortunately, the test failed, as two of the truck’s windows were shattered with a metal ball.

Because Tesla stock is plummeting and the brand is being relentlessly criticized, I feel the need to speak up: if JFK drove a Cybertruck, he would still be alive.

In defense of the Cybertruck, Tesla CEO Elon Musk said, “We threw wrenches, we threw everything, even the literal kitchen sink at the glass, and it didn’t break. For some weird reason, it broke now.” Now, most of you might read this quote and ask yourselves how Elon Musk could possibly have an IQ of 155.

But not us true patriots. All I can think about is how this

somewhat faulty technology would have saved our hottest ever president’s life.

Basically, what Musk is trying to say is that these windows can only be broken by a metal ball. They can endure “wrenches” and the literal “kitchen sink,” even the 65 slug that vaporized JFK’s head! And, as far as I’m aware, Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t try to murder him with a pétanque ball, so everything would have been dandy.

Had Elon Musk been alive in the sixties and outfitted JFK’s car, Johnny boy would have lived. Musk would have been Daddy-freakin’-Democracy. We would’ve been out of ‘Nam by ‘66!

When you look at Elon Musk, you may see a nineyear-old who was given one too many toy rockets for Christmas. But all I see is a patriot; show the man who could have saved JFK’s life some goddamn respect.

HAD ELON MUSK BEEN ALIVE IN THE SIXTIES AND OUTFITTED JFK’S CAR, JOHNNY BOY WOULD HAVE LIVED. 4

CAN I HIT YOUR PUFF?

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

IT IS MY MUJI DIFFUSER

“Scheme City, A Girl's Guide: Baby!” Says Sweaty Five Out-of-the-Box Ways to get into East Campus on a Freshman Boy Saturday Night Walking into AEPi

By Isabel O'Brien

By Amelia Fay & Nury Shokeyev

himself a most agreeable night. goys Arthur then sauntered over to EC EAST CAMPUS — Having pre- with the confidence of a white boy gamed in his John Jay lounge with a playing devil’s advocate. After waittasty cheese platter and Merlot from ing in line outside the party for 20 Morton Williams, Arthur Rosenburg minutes, he finally squeezed his way CC’23 knew he was in for a debauch- in. As soon as he was hit by the blasterous night. He slipped a Magnum ing Bar Mitzvah music, strobe lights, XXL condom into the pocket of his and rainforest-level humidity, a gutPatagonia vest and double-knotted tural “Scheme city, baby!” escaped his Sperry boat shoes; this man was him like a mating call escapes a young prepared. lion in heat on the African savanna.

In anticipation of an overnight AEPi was the jungle, and Arthur was guest, Arthur put fresh sheets on his ON. THE. PROWL. Ferrari bed and turned on his UrAfter being ignored by several feban Outfitters fairy lights. He tucked males over the course of the next five away the New Oxford Annotated hours, Arthur concluded that he had Bible on his bedside table and took been getting too much action anyway down the crucifix above his bed. He and this was a perfect opportunity also polished his student ID, as he to finally get some beauty sleep. But knew he would be signing at least one don’t worry, ladies, this Columbia lucky lady into his sprawling bachelor Casanova will be scheming again afpad. It was Friday and he had earned ter next week’s Sabbath.

ARTHUR, SERIOUSLY THIS TIME. THESE ADS AREN'T CHEAP. PLEASE CALL ME. I JUST NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE USING YOUR DRYER SHEETS SO YOU DON'T KEEP GETTING THAT RASH. AND I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU CALLED GRANDMA. IN GOD'S HOLY NAME, CALL YOUR GRANDMOTHER, ARTHUR!

December 2019

on the bench All Barnard girls and normalaged GS students know the struggle: it’s Saturday night, you’re looking to have a good time, and you’re a young Columbia nerd who’s never been to a good party, so you go where anyone would go — East Campus. Hair done up, Adidas sneakers on, you walk confidently to the turnstiles, only to be turned away by a security guard hell-bent on ruining your night.

You could wait to get signed in, but who knows how long it’d take?

Hours? Days? The whole semester?

Luckily, we here at the Fed have compiled a list of ways to finagle your way into EC. Here are five failproof methods to get past security into the sweatiest, soberest party of your young adult life.

1. Bribe the security guards (they don’t accept dining dollars, but Flex dollars will do).

2. Buy a bunch of Columbia Men’s Rowing merchandise. Wear it. Walk past security with the confidence of someone whose dad runs a hedge fund.

3. Make friends with one of the cleaners, and have them hide you in the cleaning supply closet on Friday afternoon. Wait it out until the evening. Do not move. Do not make

a sound. Do not blow your cover.

Also, don’t drink the bleach (floor cleaner is sweeter and more enjoyable to pregame with).

4. Grab a friend and recruit eight former colleagues specialized in pickpocketing, the art of the con, mechanics, electronics and surveillance, explosives, and acrobatics.

Stake out EC for a few days to learn as much as possible about the security, routines, behaviors of security, and the building itself. If any of the security guards is fucking your ex, you need to forget about it and move on — there’s work to be done. When Saturday night arrives, one of you must sacrifice yourself to security, and swipe your Barnard/GS ID like a fool. As this person waits off to the side, have the rest of the team threaten to blow the whole dorm down.

When security calls campus police, the team will show up in cop gear and be let right in. Finish the night by getting back together with your ex and partying till the sun comes up. But be warned: if you wear a police uniform to a party, people will either scatter or ask you to strip it off. Either bring a change of clothes or be prepared to go au naturale.

5. Get a fake ID and go to an actual fucking club. You’re never gonna hook up with that senior on the soccer team anyways.

* *NOTE: THE FEDERALIST DOES NOT CONDONE BRIBERY. UNLESS IT IS DIRECTED TOWARDS US, IN WHICH CASE THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS.

BLAME IT ON THE JUICE

5

MOST CONFIRMED KILLS...

This Just In: James McShane Killed Osama bin Laden

By Amelia Fay

Crime hunting dawg Earlier today in a CIA press release, it was revealed that Osama bin Laden was killed by James McShane of Columbia University Public Safety.

Although McShane is popular on campus for his crime alert emails, students were largely unaware of his military past.

According to the press release, McShane was a key player in the 2011 mission where he was one of 25 Navy SEALs sent to bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. After landing and

breaching the compound walls, the SEALs fought their way to the third floor, where bin Laden lived. During the final minutes of the firefight, McShane landed the critical shot, instantly killing bin Laden. The body was then identified through facial recognition and DNA analysis.

In the press release, CIA director Gina Cheri Haspel praised McShane for his “commitment to protecting his country” and thanked him for eliminating the “greatest threat to our national security.” She wrote, “After all these years, we can finally give credit where

it is due; James McShane is an American hero.”

In an exclusive interview with The Federalist, McShane said, “Sure, I’ve done great things in the name of my country, but the pride I feel for those achievements pales in comparison to that I feel for my service to this community.

Did I scale the walls of an armed compound and fight my way through heavy gunfire before shooting a terrorist in the face, all in the pitch black? Hell yeah, I did. But I get a much bigger rush when I think of how I identified our campus fondler. And without

me, who knows how many packages, AirPods, and shitty bikes would be stolen without consequence?”

Despite his new status as a national hero, McShane plans to continue his role as Vice President of Columbia Public Safety. He said, “I’m doing the most important work of my life. Why would I give that up just because a tiny detail from my past has reemerged?

My place is here at Columbia where I have the opportunity to prevent real crime, not fulfilling petty tasks for the government.”

ARTHUR, CALL YOUR MOTHER. SHE HASN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN WEEKS. SHE MISSES YOU. AND, FRANKLY, IT'S RUDE.

What Your Blood Type Says About You

By Sherin Shibu dropped pre-med One thing ties all the freaks and geeks on this campus together: that hot liquid metal flowing through our veins. So here’s the shortlist of what your blood type says about the animal you are in the Barnumbia jungle.

TYPE A You’re driven, but you contain your ambition and cleverness within a set of rules. While your methodical decision-making and organization are helpful for getting straight As, those same traits limit your mobility in the bedroom.

You find rebellious people both repulsive and strangely attractive; deep down, all you really want is someone you can’t control. It’s time to throw caution to the wind and let your freak flag fly, baby!

6

TYPE B

TYPE AB

You’re reading this in bed stabbing away at the keyboard with your buttery little fingers, aren’t you, you spineless twerp?

You probably apologize to people on the street for breathing too loudly. In the bedroom, you just curl up in the corner and weep.

In a relationship, you’re looking for someone, anyone at all, with a pulse and two eyes. You’ll never feel fulfilled until you find someone to keep you down like a dog. You sick little puppy.

You’re the universal recipient, you saucy little minx. You’re that bitch. You’re on Tinder, Bumble, and Grindr, and you’re also lurking by the pool table at 1020. You’re the type to listen to porn podcasts— without headphones. You’re the kind of person who’s had sex in the stacks. All of the stacks. Every last one. Including with my roommate.

You broke my fucking heart.

TYPE O You know what begins with O? “Orgasm.” And nobody can give them like you can. Pat yourself on the back, because word on the street is that you’re the universal donor.

A fucking legend. You have a 100 percent success rate and have never disappointed a one-night stand. No one does more than you to support the Columbia community. You’re the backbone of our society— without you, we would all be in the dark and sexually unfulfilled. Well done, you motherfucker.

Add a negative Add a positive

You’re prescribed Ativan and Lexapro.

You’re prescribed Adderall.

WANNA TRANSFUSE?

Why consult star charts when you have blood charts rooted in science?

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

CASHEW MILK ONLY

Finding Love in Line for Mel’s Bathroom: A Poem

By Nurasyl Shokeyev, Amelia Fay, Phillip Ruddy which one is the third wheel?

Shall I compare thee to omelettes at John Jay? Thou art more easy and more scrambled.

Rough winds of passion do excite my lust for play, But our time at Mel’s we’ve foolishly gambled: Sometime too hot the Mel’s sign shines, And often is its gold complexion dimmed.

And every Bumble chick’s appeal sometime declines, By academic stress, or every line of Homer skimmed.

But thy eternal hotness shall not fade, Nor shall I hit on any other of ‘em fair baes, Neither shall 1020 lure thou, leaving me dismayed When in eternal bathroom lines thou stays.

So long as FIJI comes to Mel’s or bouncers cannot read, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

By Milk Daddy Mike

GETTIN’ DOWN TO BUSINESS: SIX PLACES TO DO IT ON AND AROUND CAMPUS

By Nikhil Mehta & Matt Nola mutual atom-busting With cuffing season in full swing, you may be trying to find some places other than your claustrophobic dorm room to get some action. If you’ve already tried the stacks, not to worry: our six favorite spots to do it are far better than (and within walking distance of ) Butler Library.

Office of Admissions Little Timmy just sent in his Regular Decision application, which he’s been poring over for the past month. Sucks for that little shit—you’re going to finish right on his list of favorite books!

Outside Dig Inn You have walked past it so many times by now that you’ve for sure wondered, “How dirty would it be if that dank stank filled my nostrils while I lost my virginity?”

December 2019

Op-Ed: I Will Milk-Shame You Like the Dirty Little Milk-Baby You Are and You Will Like It

Basement of Pupin Hall Bust a nut where they busted the first atom!

The Furnald Floor 3 Lounge We promise no one here will notice you, and if they do, they’ll be too awkward to say anything.

On The Columbia Daily Spectator Feeling kinda trashy?

We recommend you actually open one of these up for probably the first time and lay it across the floor. Since they're in such low demand, you can find dozens of neglected copies all around campus.

*almond milk bottom JOHN JAY DINING HALL — Oh yeah, it feels good to be bad, doesn’t it? All the other boys and girls are drinking their coffees and sodas and sparkling waters like fucking normies, but not you. Because what we have, it’s special. You’re my peppy little milkslut and you like it when I shame you for swallowing the quintessential mammalian foodstuff for itty bitty babies.

Yeah, that’s right, your sick and twisted Milk Zaddy wants you to take a wittle sippy-wippy so you can grow up all bwig an’ stwong. You worm. You spineless speck of an insect. Squiggle more for your Dairy Dom and draw harder on my udders. Suck it down you filthy little cretin—if you do it right I might even fill up your tummy tum-tum with Nesquik yum-yums next time.

Mmmm yeah you’re so infantile and weird when you slurp down ice-cold milk with that metal straw you bring everywhere. When you accompany your adult-looking meal

with a solitary glass of boob juice you look like a young Mike Pence. I command you to forcibly convert the rest of the dining hall to our ways through a combination of prayer and electroshock therapy. There will be no safe word.

What’s that? You want to try the kinky shit? You forgot to ask my permission you trashbag of a toddler.

I require a demonstration of your submission before I let you graduate to whole milk. Get on all fours and moo like a baby cow and show me how much you want those milkies from your master. Ugh, that’s terrible.

You’re nothing but a 2-percent chump and you’ll never be a good enough Milk Baby to deserve anything better.

Don’t look at me like that, you over-curdled coward. You best go and sulk in the corner, and don’t you dare wipe that dribble of milk off the corner of your upper lip with your teeny tiny baby bib you messy monster puppy. Who’s got a big grown-up milk mustache? You do! Yes, you do! You sicken me.

The Railriders’ Throne at 116th and Broadway Subway Station That weird piece of modern art that was too shitty to be in the MoMA has been a BDSM hotspot for years.

There’s literally a video on pornhub that was filmed here. Look it up.

OAT MILK HARLOT

7

YOUR SHITTY HOMET

BY JAYSEN ZHANG

TOWN

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE WINTER BREAK VACATION DESTINATION

COLD HARD FACTS

BDS Referendum: Proponents and Opponents

By Anonymous

who is he hiding from?

For the past few years, CCSC has grappled with multiple attempts to hold a referendum on BDS, a controversial issue in human rights discussions. In case you do not know what BDS is all about, here is the run down with pros and cons so you can make an informed decision on what it all means.

BDS stands for Bondage, Dominance, and Sadism.

The referendum would allow students to indicate if they support or oppose the acceptance of BDS enthusiasts as human beings and whether they should be protected from kink shamers. This would contribute to the overall societal decision on whether all people should live their lives freely, or whether some people should be oppressed for the comfort and ideological sanctity of others.

What are people on the two sides of this issue saying?

Here are some of their arguments.

BDS proponent 1: All people, no matter their tastes, should be allowed to express freely without feeling pressure to conform or hide. This is a fundamental human right.

BDS proponent 2: There are real-life dangers associated with the societal taboo against BDS. Protecting BDS enthusiasts from people who view them as inferior will save lives by preventing violent attacks.

BDS proponent 3: Deep down, we’re all a little kinky. If we don’t protect BDS enthusiasts now, soon people will come for foot fetishists, or furries, or lingerie. If you give bigotry an inch, it will take a mile.

BDS opponent 1: Bondage, Domination, and Sadism are inherently unnatural and repulsive. If we let people

treat each other like animals in the bedroom, they’lltreat each other like animals outside the bedrooms too. We humans are better than that.

BDS opponent 2: BDS excludes masochists from the conversation. The real fight is for BDSM rights. While the intentions here are good, leaving out members of the kink community actually deepens the problem of societal shame.

BDS opponent 3: There is no actual oppression of the BDS community. Pretending like this oppression exists actually hurts the people this cause purports to protect by, in the framing of the issue, putting them down.

Now that you have some idea about what’s at stake in this discussion and what the future may hold, go out and have your voice heard at the CCSC referendum. Participate in how we view and act on human rights issues.

"The Qur'an is so violent," Says Student Who Clearly Didn't Read Bible

By Amelia Fay

reads holy texts for the sex Although the core curriculum remains overwhelmingly Eurocentric, small steps have been taken to represent other cultures. For example, the Qur’an was added as the token non-Western text in Contemporary Civilizations. Despite the prior week’s equally disturbing reading of the Bible, some students believed the text to be extremely violent and were taken aback. The Federalist reached out to a current student to hear her thoughts on the issue.

“It’s just so problematic,” said Clara Michaelson, CC ‘22. “It completely strips women of their agency and empowers toxic masculinity.” When discussing the Bible, Michaelson found absolutely no issue at all with Hagar being forced to bear Abraham’s child, before being exiled. But luckily, Michaelson breezed through the hundreds of pages of domestic violence, rape, and misogyny when reading that text.

“I was raised Christian, so I have

10

very strong morals,” Michaelson told Federalist reporters. “I don’t stand for any kind of violence— because every day I follow the example set in the Bible— so I was totally disgusted with what I read in the Qur’an.” Funnily enough, it turns out that Michaelson’s

Sunday School failed to teach her about a number of stories, including but not limited to: Abraham trying to sacrifice Isaac, Moses killing the Egyptian, and the rape of Dinah.

But, hey, maybe she’s referring to one of those children’s Bibles full of

FED ALSO GIVES WORK STUDY

drawings of the cute animals in Eden and on Noah’s Ark. “I came into this class with an open mind; I was excited to read this historic text and gain perspective on the sociopolitical issues that shape our world,” Michaelson further shared. “But instead, I found nothing but disgusting passages endorsing war and the subjugation of women.

As a feminist and a pacifist, there is simply no way for me to approve of this sick and twisted text. I’ll stick to what I learned from the Bible, thank you very much.”

As of press time, Michaelson was overheard in John Jay Dining Hall ranting to fellow students about the Qur’an. She is apparently still unaware of the fact that Cain murdered Abel, Paul told his enemies to castrate themselves, and God drowned the entire world. But at least she feels “woke” for calling out sexism in a text that is almost 1,400 years old.

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

LIKE NOT EVEN IN A CLICHÉ WAY

Venmo Me for Blessing You With My Superior Presence

By Julia Schreder still in Europe Dear “Friend,” It was nice to see you today in Ferris. I enjoyed the titillating nature of our five-minute and 38-second conversation. It was interesting to hear you speak about your failures in the lab, and I even laughed at one point. On a scale of one to five, with five being the best, I would rate the interaction a 3.7. Unfortunately, as you know, I consider all interactions that do not rank at four or above to be a waste of my time. I am infinitely busy fixing climate change via Twitter and going through consulting recruitment, so any breaks I take from these things must really be worth my time.

As you can surmise, our conversation today did not fit my stringent requirements. Therefore, I’ll be sending you an invoice over Venmo for taking up my time. The caption will read: “The Whimsicalities of Life,” and the request will be for $6.66. The formula I use to determine this is as follows: LTQ0.1=$ L=Level of Friendship I would rate you as a tier-three acquaintance (out of six possible levels), so, in this case, L=3.

T=Time Wasted We spent five minutes and 38 seconds speaking, so I am rounding T up to 6.

Q=Quality of Interaction As you know, our interaction rated a 3.7, so, naturally, Q = 3.7.

I multiply these three numbers by 0.1 because I’m kind and don’t want to be too harsh! I know not everyone has $60 to spend every time they talk to me.

Your final charge, then, is $6.66. I would appreciate your completion of the payment as soon as possible.

Kind regards, An Asshole

December 2019

Spec, Realizing That Everything They Publish Is a Joke, Becomes Satirical

By Nikhil Mehta & Matt Nola

co-dependent

UNION THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY — On Tuesday, September 17, while voting on the publication of the article “Satire: Sad underground gym definitely not related to poor mental health,” board members of the Columbia Daily Spectator finally decided to acknowledge that their entire publication is a joke by converting it into a secondrate satirical newspaper, effectively rendering it the BWOG of humor publications on campus.

Jim Barnes (CC '20), the Editor in Chief of Spectator, lied to The Federalist, “I and my fellow board members, the unrivaled crème de la crème of writing talent on the Columbia campus, have decided that Spectator has transcended the standard journalism sphere. We were simply too adept at it, so we had to change our formula and usher in the start of a new, very promising era.”

But promising it is not. A review of the paper’s new satirical column, which debuted a few weeks ago, found the writing to be so banal, it was blander than the Jester, a publication students know so little about, they’re not sure

HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM

it’s even real.

The Federalist also reached out to Kelly Morgan CC’20, the News Editor of Spectator. “Really, it was an easy choice to make,” she admitted. “I mean, everything that goes out on the paper is so bad and inconsequential that it’s practically a joke already.”

This sentiment is shared by practically everyone on campus, as is evidenced by the mountainous pile of unread Spectator issues that may be found lying in the newspaper rack outside of Ferris at any time.

The Federalist followed up with Barnes about his thoughts on competing with Columbia’s most popular newspaper, colloquially known as The Fed. “What’s that?

Do you mean the Federal Reserve?”

Barnes scoffed, standing in his ivory tower leagues away from campus on 120-somethingth street. He then cleaned his monocle and squinted off into the distance, trying to make out Low Library, a mere spec far below his likes.

Following the interview, Barnes was seen climbing down from his tower and onto the street; he came upon a pile of shit Spectator issues that would never be read and proceeded to weep quietly.

11

ABROAD CHANGED THE FED

A Student Studying Abroad in London Solves Brexit

Beto O’Rourke to Audition for Rage Against the Machine

By Julia Schreder

By Garrison Grogan

Euro. Bureau Chief With the October 31 Brexit deadline looming over the Palace of Westminster, most people in London have given up on the idea of a peaceful exit from the European Union for Britain. Protests have cropped up in droves with no clear resolution in sight, people angry about everything from the prospect of a second referendum to Jeremy Corbyn’s neckbeard.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has retreated to 10 Downing Street to ride out the remaining days of his PM tenure painting creepy little busses and crying. And House leader Jacob ReesMogg has become so pompous that his head has imploded leaving a double-breasted suit to manage parliament, though most MPs have remarked that they haven’t really noticed any difference.

In the midst of all this chaos, one hero arises. He’s a Westchester native, studying abroad at the London School of Economics for the semester. He’s held a steady B+ average in his poli-sci classes at Columbia and his dad is the former State Senator for the NY-13 district. He’s a libertarian, but he’s supporting Joe Biden in 2020 because Trump “fuckin’ blows, dude.” He’s Peter Duke and he’s qualified as hell.

Even though Duke has been in London for only one month and has never studied st

British politics before, he is confident that he has found the solution to every problem facing Britain, from the Irish border to latent nationalism.

“It’s all pretty obvious when you look at it,” Duke told me in an exclusive interview.

“I can’t believe all these experts missed it.

Experts? More like idiots!” When I asked him what exactly this magical fix might be, Duke laughed and shook his head.

“You wouldn’t get it.”

Duke plans to bring his plan to Parliament as soon as they will let him in the building.

No one really knows the specifics of it, but Duke promises that his plan is sure to be revolutionary– maybe even revolutionary enough to get him a job at McKinsey next summer.

“If this works out the way that I think it will, I’ll be hailed as the Winston Churchill of our generation.

And imagine it on my resume!”

Just like the other great American men who have come before him, Duke is thoroughly convinced that no other country can make informed decisions about how to govern themselves without help from the United States. He’s realized that his purpose in studying abroad was actually not to screw around at Octoberfest but rather to bless the other nations on this planet with his presence and insight.

And the future has truly never looked brighter here in London.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL THESE EXPERTS MISSED IT. EXPERTS? MORE LIKE IDIOTS!” - Peter Duke

12

Not biased What’s next for Beto? After the Texas Congressman’s lackluster departure from the 2020 Democratic Primary, a single reader (potentially Beto’s mother) has not stopped emailing us that question. We sent a team of reporters to O’Rourke’s El Paso, Texas suburb to help us shut her up.

When we introduced ourselves to the former Congressman, he insisted, “Please, ‘Congressman’ was my stage name— call me Slash.” We found him practicing bass in his wife’s garage, dressed not in his usual suit and tie, but instead as an aspiring member of a nineties grunge group. He greeted us with a sweaty handshake, likely due to the flannel button-down and ripped Levi’s he was wearing in 90-degree Texas heat.

“Yeah, so I’m just trying something new out, really wanted a change of pace from the race. My wife Amy took the kids to her parents a few months ago. She hasn’t been back, but no worries: I turned the garage into a sick practice room. Gonna have to do a lot of shredding before the band gets here,” Beto said in between headbangs.

When asked about his plans now that he’s dropped out, Beto replied “Dunno, may just drift for awhile like I did back in my previous band. Hopefully my audition for Tom [Morello, lead guitarist] goes alright.”

Amazed by our reporter’s understandable confusion,

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Beto further added, “Can you even hang, bro? RATM was my favorite band back in Congress.

I used to get hammered with Paul Ryan and we’d rock out to Evil Empire. Paul preferred Renegades but I shut that shit down. Anyway, now that the band is getting back together, I’m free, and their first show is in El Paso, it just feels like the stars are aligning— you know?”

When asked on how he’d audition, Beto slyly replied, “Well RATM was always against conformity so I figure if I hop onto the stage and play my new songs, “Guns (Buy ‘Em Back)” and “Destroy the ICE Age”, I’ll leave a big impression. I figure I have a solid 6 months to practice before their first show in El Paso of their 2020 Reunion Tour.

Until then it’s me, my bass, and thirty cases of Lone Star beer to keep me company.”

Everything about Beto screams mid-life crisis, except Beto himself: “This is just a new stage of of Beto,” he said, voice cracking.

Thoroughly depressed at the depths to which this fellow Columbia Lion has sunk, we decided it best to leave. Our last view was of O’Rourke pounding two Lone Stars and breaking into a crying rendition of “People of the Sun”.

As of press time, Beto’s mother has requested that we offer her son a temporary position on the Feditorial Board, “just until he gets back on his feet.”

We have not yet responded.

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

BURN BBY BURN

The Solution to Climate Change Is Burning All the Trash, Says Climate Change Expert

By Sherin Shibu chain-juuler Burn all the garbage, let the ashes settle in the atmosphere.

It’s a simple solution, but 24 percent of Americans just don’t get how effective it could be to control climate change (the remaining majority of America doesn’t believe in seasons). Dr. Roy Greene of the Global Greenhouse Conservatory told The Federalist exactly how it would work.

“All we’d have to do is let the ash layer fill in the

gaps in the ozone layer,” he centuries of not giving a shit you found out he cheated on said, “thus blocking out the about where we took a shit you: Burn his shit (including sun’s harmful radiation and or put our shit. If we want his dead body). s i mu l t a n e o u s l y In a similar vein, lowering skin for a clean start, we cancer rates in just have to burn white people. the trash. If you die, YOU'LL SAVE HUNDREDS OF Win-win.” your carcass burns It’s a triple on Earth, as well THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS win if you’re a as in the afterlife.

BY REPLACING CIGARETTES smoker.

You’ll Imagine all the save hundreds space we’ll have WITH JUST BREATHING of thousands when we clear out of dollars cemeteries to add by replacing more prisons and cigarettes with shit. just breathing. to break free of the toxic Another beneficial Just look at the trash all remnants of our ancestors, we byproduct of starting a around us, accumulated over have to do what you did after worldwide bonfire is ash rain,

which can add a certain smoky flavor to your tasteless life.

Dad’s Fourth of July barbeque just got some competition from Mother Nature.

Greene adds that population growth will also slow because people will naturally choke on the dust of their own consumption.

“The best way to conquer fear is to embrace it,” Greene said, adding that if we follow that logic precisely, “the only way we can adjust to the inevitable climate apocalypse is by creating it.”

Cold-Blooded Econ Majors Enter Hibernative State as Winter Approaches

By Jaysen Zhang

absolute fiend ity where energy is conserved to reduce As temperatures dip below freezing, heat loss. Typically, a reptile will move economics majors around campus slow- and eat less, and sleep more. ly slither their way into their dark, cave“Ssskip finalsss,” said Bradley Cook, like dorms to wait out CC ’20. “Cossstly invessstthe next few months.

"CAN'T SSSLITHER ment. Limited sssupply of “It’sss ssso cold,” energy. Jussst need to sssave, said Thomas Sulli- DOWN TO WALL conssserve, ssso I can sssvan, CC ‘21. “Jussst crew over peasssantsss after STREET" need to sssleep unthe sssun risssesss again.” til the ssspring. Can’t - Cold Econ Major “Avoid sssnow,” said Ressslither down to becca Schmidt, CC ’22.

Wall Ssstreet in thisss “Avoid freezzzing. Avoid weather.” iccce. Jussst need to wait until sssummer.

Brumation, common among cold- Sssummer internssship at Sssachsss.” blooded reptiles, is a state of inactiv-

December 2019

HEY DO YOU HAVE A DRAIN SNAKE?

13

ANTI-CAPITALIST THANKSGIVING

Ode: Puke on A Girl's Guide: A Barnard Girl’s Tips To the Subway Floor Not Pissing Your Family Off This Thanksgiving

By Amelia Fay

Friend of the MTA

to what you’ve been up to this semester, Doesn't eat turkey. Vegan. Xx. keep it simple. No one wants to hear about your radical pro-Israel, antiAfter nearly a semester of never being fois gras student group. Talk about the more than five to ten blocks away from dining hall (but not the vegan options) Barnumbia’s liberal echochamber, going and your theater troupe (but tell them home for Thanksgiving can be a culture that the only production you’ve done so shock for the small percentage of Barnard far is Wicked). girls who aren’t coastal elites. Luckily, When dinner is served, put both the Fed has written a step-by-step guide the vegan options (on the off chance on how to not piss your family off this that there Thanksgiving are some) meal. alongside First, when the non WHEN YOUR FAMILY choosing an v e g a n MEMBERS INQUIRE AS outfit, try and options on find something your plate.

TO WHAT YOU’VE BEEN that hides the P r e t e n d UP TO THIS SEMESTER, nipple piercings to eat the you got done non vegan KEEP IT SIMPLE. NO ONE for $150 at options.

WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT that super cool When no half-boutique one is YOUR RADICAL PROhalf-organic looking, ISRAEL, ANTI-FOIS GRAS café in SoHo. feed the Avoid mesh and mu r d e rSTUDENT GROUP. other flimsy food to the fabrics, like dog under lace, flannel, the table. and chain mail.

DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT try Think old fashioned vibes, like Miley to enter into a discourse on the colonial Cyrus circa 2008. If you still own a bra, nature of Thanksgiving as a holiday. wear it.

Avoid the word “discourse” altogether, When arriving at your grandma’s/ just to be safe. aunt’s/cousin’s/godmother’s house/ If you follow these steps, your condo/retirement home, smile broadly Thanksgiving is sure to be normal and and say as little as possible. Allow your drama-free. Hey, your parents will family to hug you and ask you how the probably still find a way to complain city has been. Respond to your birth about you, but if you didn’t have mommy/ name, because they probably don’t daddy issues, then why would you have remember that you changed your name chosen Barnard in the first place? to Lola.

Happy Holidays from your friends at When your family members inquire as the Fed!

By Isabel O'Brien

14

Thou still unmopp’d pile of early morning sick,

Thou child of drink and common cold, Weary traveler, who canst to subway floor stick

And fester pungently for all to behold.

What stomach-churning legend haunts thy shape

Of Svedka or Tito’s or Grey Goose, In the Jane or the halls of St. A’s?

Are you of man or god? What maiden hath let thy loose?

What tumultuous commute? What struggle to escape?

What aches and pains? What profaned spillway?

Pristine subway cars are sweet, while those taint’d

Are most foul; therefore, ye strong odor, reek on; Not to the upturned nose, but, dearly acquainted,

Emit a stench so potent all passengers must be gone: Fair puke, within this car’s walls, shall fore’er linger

Thy scent, nor ever can this floor be clean; Stubborn canker, never, never canst thou leave, Though thy chunks shall slide away, thy stink shall, like a stinger, Fell each passerby, as pure appearances deceive,

For ever wilt thou lurk, beneath a glossy sheen!

TAKING THE TRAIN TO BACCHANAL?

Volume XXXVIII, Issue II

QUIT YOUR CLUBS WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Racist Uncle Excited to “Continue the Conversation” at Christmas

By Julia Shreder Still still in Europe SHAPIRO HALL — Today, in a shocking turn of events, Nick Hopkins woke up to a text from his Uncle Phil reading, “Enjoyed our conversation at Thanksgiving.

Looking forward to speaking more on this at Christmas.” The message precipitated within Hopkins a spiraling sense of doom for what will come next time his family gathers under the same roof.

Recalling his family’s bloodbath of a Thanksgiving meal, Hopkins can only speculate as to what his uncle is referring to Could it be the deadly caravan of Mexican immigrants that threaten the very existence of the United States?

Or the obvious bias of the “gay as a peacock” Anderson Cooper Add one other speculation here (comedy works in three) At this point, Hopkins had no way of knowing. Indeed, for all he knew it could be a whole new hellish concoction of right-wing foolishness.

It all started when Hopkins’ mother Elizabeth made mention of a New York Times article that she had pulled a mashed potato recipe from while making Thanksgiving dinner. Uncle Phil almost choked and immediately spit the halfchewed mess of cranberry sauce, turkey, and mashed potatoes back onto his plate and screamed, “You mean to tell me that I’m eating FAKE LIBERAL MASHED

December 2019

POTATOES?!”

The family tried to backpedal, but the floodgates had alread yopened. Uncle Phil spent the next hour extolling the virtues of “President T” and the Senate Majority Leader who has been put in place expressly to deliver us from Roe v. Wade.

Though he stayed quiet through the Bernie-bashing, Hopkins made a fatal tactical error when he tried to offer a counter-point to Uncle Phil’s assertion that “Gun control won’t work because there will always be a black market for criminals who want to get their hands on ’em.” Hopkins started to lay out a statistic about reduced gun violence in New Zealand but his voice slowly trailed off when he saw his uncle’s face, a twisted grimace covering his lips and a maniacal glint in his eye, ready to pounce.

The carnage that followed is not suitable for this medium.

Suffice to say, the poor idealistic Columbian was reduced to an empty hollow shell of his former self that evening by the contempt and rage of one Uncle Phil, whose “facts” came from the scrambled mess of a brain that years of alcoholism had left behind.

So when Nick Hopkins received an ominous text from that very same Uncle Phil less than a week later, he knew that he wouldn’t repeat his past mistakes. Hopkins didn’t pause to think: he ran.

Girl with Dog Filter in Profile Lands Tinder Match

By Sam Grossman Gross man A student made history yesterday when she matched with a man on a dating website while employing the “dog filter” in her profile picture.

Twenty year-old Lauren Frazier, a junior at Columbia University, shocked friends and family when she actually matched with a boy on the popular dating website, Tinder.

“It just kinda happened,” she said. “I got a notification on my phone that I’d matched with a guy named Chad. That was when I knew everyone who told me to drop the dog filter was wrong.”

The ‘dog filter’ originates from the popular social media application Snapchat, and when used, overlays a person’s face with a dog nose, two dog ears, and a large dog tongue.

“I never thought I’d live to see the day a dude swiped right on a girl who uses the dog filter,” said Ryan Pagovitch, also a junior at the

SNIFF, SNIFF

University. “I just can’t believe it.

Frankly, I’m disappointed.”

Many men, in addition to Pagovich, are worried about the implications of yesterday’s events.

“Chad set a low bar. Like, a really low bar,” said freshman Ben Milkman.

“Already, I’ve noticed an uptick in the amount of girls that have the dog filter on their Tinder. I’m honestly considering switching to men.”

An analysis of 200 girls’ profiles in New York City revealed a staggering 53% increase in the use of the filter since yesterday. In addition, Trojan stocks have seen a sudden dip.

“It looks cute,” Frazier said when asked why many girls use the dog filter. “Who doesn’t love an adorable puppy face?”

“It’s the ugliest fucking thing I could ever see on a Tinder profile,” Pagovitch said. “Chad didn’t swipe right. He swiped wrong.”

15

BREAKING: Butler Banner is coming down over Winter Break.