Friends and family

Aclose friend once quipped that family is the reason we have friends. On the surface, the line comes across as a dig at family with its sometimes fractious relationships and challenging dynamics. But there is another layer, a more positive one, that can be gleaned from the axiom. Friends ful ll a relational need that cannot be addressed within the family. For no matter how much someone says their mom, brother, or cousin is their best friend, their family history is intricately and indelibly woven into the fabric of their “friendship.” And as such, it will always play an unconscious role in the relationship.

Another maxim holds that we’re blessed or stuck with the family we were born into; friends, on the other hand, are matters of choice. But are they? Do we consciously and deliberately choose our friends, especially those we grow close to, or are friendships the result of inexplicable or ineffable forces?

Have you ever said that so-and-so is like a brother or sister to me? If so, was that so-and-so already a member of your family — cousin, nephew or niece — or were they outside of it? If

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FABYANIC

As is my wont, I took my friend’s maxim and ipped it: Friends are the reason we have family. at thought prompted me to consider those who as an only child or orphan don’t have blood siblings. en there are those who have siblings but are not relationally close with them.

I have friends for whom those scenarios are true. Some consider their friends to be their family. We often call such relationships virtual family, but I wonder why we feel compelled to include the qualifying descriptor virtual since it serves only to minimize their

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MINDY NELON relationship(s) and relegate it/them to a second-place status. After all, they might consider their friends to be their true family. Which means there are families, and then there are families. Plain and simple, friend and family relationships are complicated, which paradoxically makes them neither plain nor simple. In psychology, an applicable term is antinomy: a paradox in which opposing truths are equally true and valid. It’s a world that I love living in. It’s one of complexity and ambiguity, which I traverse with kindred “out-there” spirits in the pursuit of something we cannot exactly put our ngers on. ey’re my philosophical family not to be confused with my literal family or my nonvirtual, mix-of-friends family. Yep, it’s complicated.

Since I’ve been blessed to be one of 13 siblings and have oodles of friendships made over the course of my lifetime, when I think of those I feel close to, I imagine them in two broad groupings. I picture each group as a colored sphere — sage green is my choice — with the shades of the color increasingly getting lighter as I move from the center outward. At the center

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LINDSAY NICOLETTI Operations/ Circulation Manager lnicoletti@coloradocommunitymedia.com of my birth family circle, I place those I feel closest to, and at the perimeter, those not so much. At the core of my friends circle is my non-virtual virtual family, and on the outer reaches are those I call transactional or super cial friends, the ones who get in contact only when they need or want something.

So yes, the family-friend matrix is complicated. But it is that complicatedness that makes friendships ful lling and vital for healthy aging. Unlike a complication which can disrupt unity and smooth functioning, relationship complicatedness suggests intricacy, complexity.

Consider creating your own matrix. While doing so, identify traits, attributes and other aspects that were and remain integral. A vital one for me is trust because trust is like glass and reputation in Ben Franklin’s aphorism: once broken, never well mended. You will, of course, identify your own.

Jerry Fabyanic is the author of “Sisyphus Wins” and “Food for ought: Essays on Mind and Spirit.” He lives in Georgetown.

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Letters To The Editor

Suncor’s recent shutdown needs more scrutiny

Suncor’s recent shutdown has received an appalling lack of scrutiny from the press. The narrative has been that with the shutdown gas prices will increase. I suspect this is Suncor’s attempt to distract the public and press from delving more deeply into the issues.

There has been no coverage of what led to the shutdown in the first place. Temperatures were extremely cold. However, Denver is known to see temperatures in the -15ºF range every few to several years. With the advanced notice of the bomb cyclone, why wasn’t Suncor prepared? What happened to the two workers who were injured? Are they okay? Were there any OSHA violations that led to this incident?

There is still smoke coming out of the refinery in Commerce City. Has the plant truly shut down? Why has Suncor been allowed to operate on an air permit that expired ten years ago? I encourage all media outlets to explore these questions for the health of the Commerce City residents and the health and safety of

Suncor’s workers. They matter. Ruth L. Hund, Golden

We need gun violence prevention legislation

I have been moved to action by gun violence in our country and community. I lived in Germany for 13 years. Many of my friends are still there, and we never worried about our kids getting slaughtered in school, at the movies, grocery shopping or literally anywhere else.

I urge Gov. Polis, Rep. Titone and Sen. Danielson to support all gun violence prevention legislation in the Colorado legislature this year.

Speci cally, I would like to see:

- Raising the minimum age to buy guns to 21

- Universal 10 day waiting periods to buy guns

- Ban assault weapons sales in Colorado

- increase gun industry accountability and regulation of gun sellers

- Make ghost guns illegal

- Reform and expand ERPO/Red Flag laws

I thank my legislators for leadership in this area.

Nicole Steinbach, Golden