Friends and family

those we grow close to, or are friendships the result of inexplicable or ineffable forces?

Have you ever said that so-and-so is like a brother or sister to me? If so, was that so-and-so already a member of your family — cousin, nephew or niece — or were they outside of it? If you have a like-a-brother or like-a-sister, what made them so? Can you zero in on, pinpoint or delineate the speci c events, interactions, et alia, that led up to that relationship developing in a deeply personal manner? Or was it that you realized at some point that you and they shared a special bond that didn’t need to or couldn’t be explained? It just was.

As is my wont, I took my friend’s maxim and ipped it: Friends are the reason we have family. at thought prompted me to consider those who as an only child or orphan don’t have blood siblings. en there are those who have siblings but are not relationally close with them.

I have friends for whom those scenarios are true. Some consider their friends to be their family. We often call such relationships virtual family, but I wonder why we feel compelled to include the qualifying pain at times. descriptor virtual since it serves only to minimize their relationship(s) and relegate it/them to a second-place status. After all, they might consider their friends to be their true family. Which means there are families, and then there are families.

We are all part of a team somewhere. At work, home, school, church, in our community and in society. And it will never be perfect and will often be frustrating. As a part of a team or family, I would love to hear your story of how you deal with staying motivated in the face of frustration at gotonorton@ gmail.com. And when we can grit and smile, and play through the pain when we need to, it really will be a better than good life.

Michael Norton is an author, a personal and professional coach, consultant, trainer, encourager and motivator of individuals and businesses, working with organizations and associations across multiple industries.

Plain and simple, friend and family relationships are complicated, which paradoxically makes them neither plain nor simple. In psychology, an applicable term is antinomy: a paradox in which opposing truths are equally true and valid. It’s a world that I love living in. It’s one of complexity and ambiguity, which I traverse with kindred “out-there” spirits in the pursuit of something we cannot exactly put our ngers on. ey’re my philosophical family not to be confused with my literal family or my nonvirtual, mix-of-friends family. Yep, it’s complicated.

Since I’ve been blessed to be one of 13 siblings and have oodles of friendships made over the course of my lifetime, when I think of those I feel close to, I imagine them in two broad groupings. I picture each group as a colored sphere — sage green is my choice — with the shades of the color increasingly getting lighter as I move from the center outward. At the center of my birth family circle, I place those I feel closest to, and at the perimeter, those not so much. At the core of my friends circle is my non-virtual virtual family, and on the outer reaches are those I call transactional or super cial friends, the ones who get in contact only when they need or want something.

So yes, the family-friend matrix is complicated. But it is that complicatedness that makes friendships ful lling and vital for healthy aging. Unlike a complication which can disrupt unity and smooth functioning, relationship complicatedness suggests intricacy, complexity.

Consider creating your own matrix. While doing so, identify traits, attributes and other aspects that were and remain integral. A vital one for me is trust because trust is like glass and reputation in Ben Franklin’s aphorism: once broken, never well mended. You will, of course, identify your own.

Jerry Fabyanic is the author of “Sisyphus Wins” and “Food for ought: Essays on Mind and Spirit.” He lives in Georgetown.

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