The grip of a group

JERRY FABYANIC Columnist

bers move away or die. Groups — families, religions — are greater than the sum of their parts and thus hold an even more dominant grip on their members. If and when a member separates from the group, there can be hell to pay for it. at is especially true with cults.

Groups like school classes that are formed by happenstance and have a select, nite number of speci c members gradually wither away as nature takes her course. Others like the local Elks or Hotrod Club might or might not fade away when members move on. Friendship groups formed organically eventually die too.

Choosing to detach from a group can be excruciating because the group, whether social or religious, holds power over the individual, and it never likes when a member says, “Tata. Time to go.” Leaving a group is considered the worst form of heresy.

A good friend posed this question to me: “Why do we often hang on to a group after we realize that remaining part of it no longer serves a good purpose and is, therefore, not good for our social or mental health?” en he added, “It’s the moment when you really admit something no longer works for you. It evolves slowly and you feel it coming. en you nally admit it and know it. You continue anyway because whatever it is—group, activity, people—it brought you happiness in the past. You hang on despite the payo being minimal or even negative. But you continue. Why? No good alternatives? Force of habit? Don’t want to o end? And all the time, your inner core continues to melt because you are not being true to yourself and nding new things like you used to.”

Hmm, I thought. Yes, all of those, and possibly more.

One of my favorite lms is Brokeback Mountain, a story about two young cowboys — more accurately, sheepherders — who fall passionately in love. From the outset, you have a sense, and even know, that the story will not have a happy ending given it is set in Wyoming in the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s. ey tear at each other in frustration, but they can’t seem to end — quit — the relationship. ey are full of angst about it, and that is relatable to almost everyone, whether in the context of a one-on-one relationship or a group. Ending a relationship is di cult.

I don’t have a good answer for my friend other than to say we should step back and note the power and attraction of both the groups you would like to separate from and the ones you want to stay in. en work to sort out why you want to separate from the ones you want to leave instead of focusing on the challenge of detaching. It’s like breaking an addiction. e rst step is to recognize the problem. e second step is to note the emotional attachment to it. If it doesn’t feel good, why keep doing it? at is when the power of choice come into play.

Time to move on.

Jerry Fabyanic is the author of “Sisyphus Wins” and “Food for ought: Essays on Mind and Spirit.” He lives in Georgetown.