DIVERSIFY RETIREMENT STRATEGIES

between front door and doody, dog and driver encountered another mixed pair and Princess immediately displayed her imperial displeasure by “attacking” the hapless hound, much to the dismay of its handler. Hearing the clash from the parapet of his nearby keep, Mr. Knight came at a gallop, a broom in his hand and angry oaths on his lips, and attempted to keep Princess from contusing the cowering canine. When the parties were at last separated, Mr. Knight called Je co Animal Control to report Queenie’s careless comportment, and Queenie called the Je co Sheri ’s o ce to report that Mr. Knight had been “foaming at the mouth,” and had “yelled” at her and “charged” at her and “threatened to kill me and my dog.” In the end it came down to Queenie’s word against Mr. Knight’s, and seeing as how no one, pet or person, had su ered injury during the imbroglio, deputies left the case in Animal Control’s hands.

Portnoy’s complaint

SOUTH TURKEY CREEK – In spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, and on May 25 young Portnoy didn’t hesitate to send compromising photographs of his youthful ardor to a coquettish Snapchat acquaintance tagged “Hanna.” Sadly, Hanna’s fancy turned more to money than romance, and after rst sending Portnoy screenshots of all of his friends, she coldly informed him that if he didn’t wire her $150 pronto, she would send his images au naturel thence. oughts turning heavily to impending humiliation, Portnoy sent her the cash by gift card only to discover that she’d sent dissemi- nated the salacious snaps anyway. It wasn’t until a man that may or may not have been “Hanna” called him on the phone demanding an additional $50 via Venmo that Portnoy nally sought JCSO relief. Deputies collected all available information regarding the underhanded Hanna for the department’s cyber crime unit, and Portnoy tried to collect what remained of his dignity.

Back door bargains

EVERGREEN – Finding after hours anchorage in a Big Box parking lot, before retiring on the May 25 a road-weary Peter Bilt took one last peep out of his sleeper’s porthole just as a woman was pushing an over-burdened shopping cart out of the store’s unattended rear emergency exit. Waiting until she reached a solitary SUV parked in a poorly lit corner of the lot and made ready to transfer cargo, Peter leapt from his truck intending to disrupt what he took to be major case of shoplifting. Observing herself to be observed, the woman instantly abandoned her booty, climbed into the SUV, and sailed out of the parking lot and over the horizon. Peter noti ed both JCSO and store security, but was unable to give a detailed description of the woman or her vehicle due to conditions of extreme night. Glad to recover the small mountain of merchandise, security personnel declined further o cial assistance pending a review of store surveillance tapes.

Sheri ’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Je erson County Sheri ’s O ce for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed, including the writer’s name, which is a pseudonym. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.