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in person at Mount Vernon Canyon Club at 24933 Club House Circle, Genesee, and via Zoom. Join the Zoom meeting at https://us02web. zoom.us/j/81389224272, meeting ID 813 8922 4272, phone 346-248-7799.

Beyond the Rainbow: Resilience1220 o ers Beyond the Rainbow, which is two support groups that meet from 7-8:30 p.m. the second Wednesday of the month. One is a safe group for those 12-20 and the other is group for parents and caregivers wanting support for raising an LGBTQ child. To RSVP, contact Lior Alon at lior@wisetreewellness.com.

Sub-versive sub-dued CONIFER – He was a new hire at the sandwich shop and probably just didn’t know that it’s not store policy – or a very good idea – to park razor-sharp knives in one’s pants pockets. Clued in to these facts on the morning of Jan. 27, he “lost his mind” and “threw sandwiches at the wall” and “stormed outside” and “acted like he was going to drive his car into the building.” He was gone by the time deputies arrived, but they soon caught up with him at a gas station in Morrison, on their way down the canyon learning that he was on parole, that he’d been fired from a Littleton Dairy Queen under similar circumstances, and that a warrant had been issued for his immediate arrest. Deputies took such steps as were warranted.

No accident

EVERGREEN – Dropping by Walgreens for bandaids and aspirin on the morning of Jan. 23, Jeep Grand Cherokee parked next to Mr. and Mrs. F350. Mrs. F350 wasted no time heaving open her ponderous door directly into Jeep’s shiny paint job. Jeep silently threw up his hands in the universal gesture for “What the (foie gras)?” Mrs. F350 responded with the universal gesture for “I’m Froot Loops,” which is storming around Jeep’s vehicle screaming obscenities and pounding on his windows with her fists. Mr. F350 responded with the universal gesture for “Sorry, dude,” which is wrapping both arms around Mrs. F350 and wrestling her back into the pickup truck. In parting, Mrs. F350 threw open her door one more time with malice aforethought and unnecessary authority, leaving a 6-inch dent in Jeep’s defenseless flank. Jeep took the trouble to snap a photo of the F350s’ license plate, of course, and it wasn’t long before JCSO deputies were on their doorstep asking for particulars. Mrs. F350 “didn’t remember” going nuclear on Jeep’s jalopy. Officers refreshed her memory with Jeep’s official statement, that of a reliable eyewitness, and clean, sharp surveillance footage that couldn’t have captured the action better if John Huston had been directing. Deputies issued Mrs. F350 a summons for criminal mischief.

Taking noticed EVERGREEN – It probably seemed awkward coming back for his stuff after getting fired and all, so on Jan. 26 the former employee sent his buddy, instead. Buddy walked into the commercial garage and asked the boss to return Former Employee’s “anvil.” After scouting around the place for a few minutes, Boss told Buddy he’d look for the anvil later and call Former Employee when he found it. That seemed to satisfy Buddy, who took his leave. A few minutes later, a non-fired employee asked Boss why Buddy “left with a welding helmet.” Boss didn’t know, and asked JCSO to find out. Confronted by deputies, Buddy said he took the welding helmet because it belonged to Former Employee, a story that didn’t stand up to even casual scrutiny. Knowing himself to be caught, Buddy thrust the welding helmet in the officers’ direction. “Take it,” he said. Deputies took it, but only in exchange for a theft summons.

Tag bagged

EVERGREEN – She was surprised to say the least. On Jan. 26 she received a bill for using a major metropolitan toll highway on Dec. 29 and Dec. 30, except that she hadn’t been on that road on those days, or on any other day. In trying to make sense of that puzzle, she was floored to find out that her vehicle’s rear license plate wasn’t actually hers. Indeed, deputies quickly determined that her rear plate was registered to a vehicle identical to her own that was reported stolen in Boulder on Dec. 26. Near as she could figure, the thieves had swapped out the plates while her car was parked in the El Rancho Walmart parking lot on Dec. 28. Deputies took custody of the imposter and listed her own plate as pinched.

Shut the (beep) up!

EVERGREEN – On several recent occasions, she told deputies on Jan. 25, a “white, heavy-set male with long brown hair” parked his minivan in front of her house and blasted the horn for up to 15 minutes at a time. On that morning, however, the same vehicle began sounding off under the direction of a “white, heavy-set female with long dark hair,” who also briefly exited the van just long enough to test her gate. The complainant had no idea who the harassing honkers could be, much less the purpose of their troublesome tooting, but she hoped JCSO could muzzle the mysterious minivan. Deputies traced the wailing wagon to its registered address and promised to have a quiet word with its registered owner.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.