Processing Grief: It takes as long as it takes

There’s an empty space in our hearts, Where you once held a place. A hollow ache that brings us to tears, Of the sadness we must face.

We will miss everything about you, Your smile, your laugh, your caring heart. We don’t know how to carry on without you, Maybe celebrating you today, we can find a start.

We will take comfort in your memory, As we reminisce of you, so special, so kind. We love you so much and will do our best, But you will never drift too far from our mind.

We can rest in the assurance of seeing you again, One day we will embrace you again in love. Until then, we know God will keep you, Peaceful and loved in his arms above.

This year the third of March marked the first anniversary when I sat by my mother’s bedside and watched her leave this world. She fought cancer for 17 months. Her fight ended that day. There is a different kind of grief when you lose a parent. For those of you who have experienced this loss, I am sure you will agree that when a loving parent has passed, there is an all-encompassing quiet sorrow.

That sorrow becomes intensified by the hollow truth that one person you’ve always trusted and who was always there for you is now gone. You will never hear the voice of the first person who guided your steps, encouraged you, and you confided in ever again in this life. Even if you were not close to your passing parent, the sense of loss is still hard to describe. An honest glimpse into your own mortality as the torch passes on to the next generation.

The thing about processing grief is no one answer works for everyone. There is no one way to make the sorrow lesson quicker. I now know one thing about grief...it takes as long as it takes. No steps to complete, no magical words or prayers can rush the process. It just takes time. It will get better with the support and prayers from friends and family. But truthfully, losing a parent is hard. I must say that milestones are the toughest, and holidays are not easy either. Still, there is something about those dates that leave a permanent reminder that someone you love has died. Dates that stand out as a day uniquely theirs, like Mother’s Day, the day they were born, and sadly the day they died.

Remembering and honoring my mother is so important to me. I keep in weekly contact with my father, as his loss is much different than mine. He lost the love of his life. Every day is a journey of sorrow for him, missing her presence in his world. I can’t imagine his loss, just like I can’t imagine the loss of a child, which he and my mother also experienced. I came to the astounding realization that wherever you are in your grief. Own it! Take your time to deal with your loss and take the time to reminisce, hurt, cry, and even scream if it helps. Be decisive even when you don’t feel like it, and never give up; your loved one wouldn’t want that for you. Be careful of anyone, although well-meaning, telling you it’s time for you to move on or to get past it. It takes as long as it takes, and you need to take just as long as you need. Don’t allow insensitive family and friends to dictate how you process your grief. I know my grief for my mother will get better with time.

My advice, find solace in whatever your belief system may be. If you need a friend, find one; if you need therapy, call one; and if you need a grief group, there are plenty around. Just remember to take care of yourself. Remember the beautiful memories you created with that person. Whoever they are to you, your mother, father, spouse, child, sibling, dear family member, or friend. Mourn them, remember them, honor them, and cherish their memory by loving yourself.

Finally, be gentle with yourself; grief takes as long as it takes.

Be kind to yourself and others.