Mental Health & Wellness | Are you a Good Listener

MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Are You a Good Listener?

BY DR. CINDY MAYNARD

In our fast-track world of technology, iPhones, iPads, texting, and social media, it may seem the art of listening has fallen to the wayside. Research shows that we retain very little of what we actually hear. As a result, we may find ourselves moving on from a conversation without really having listened to or heard the other person. But there’s a reason why it is important to develop and hone this skill that has taken a back seat in the digital age. Listening is one of the most important things we can do. It can resolve conflicts and improve relationships. To listen is to feel valued. How many of us have been speaking to someone at a party or other gathering, and their eyes seem to focus everywhere except on us? Or we’re talking to someone who keeps interrupting or tries to finish our sentences? What about the person who talks all the time and never asks how you are doing? How did that make you feel? I remember talking to a patient in a forensic facility who wanted to share something about a situation he was experiencing. I started to respond, but he held up his hand and said, “Just listen.” Did that get my attention? You bet. He wanted someone to listen, not talk or give advice. But the most powerful example of listening occurred for me when I was working on my dissertation on forgiveness therapy. I interviewed subjects, asking them what was most helpful to them in their forgiveness process regarding their offender. By far, the most important thing was simply having another person in their support system listen to them and not give advice. One participant states, “Listen COAST FAMILY more. I find persons quick to give advice rather than quick to have an ear for listening.” Another says, “Spend more time listening prior to responding.” A former pastor shares, “We have a motto in our prison ministry. Listen, listen…love. Just listen to the person and be there alongside them for the journey.”

According to research, the term “active listening” was first introduced by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson in 1957. Apparently, they wanted to know why certain therapists were more effective clinicians than others. They found that those who listened more had better results with their clients. You’d think, given all the conversations we take part in, we’d be an expert in listening. It may require courage on our part, especially if we feel uncomfortable with the conversation. Active listening without getting defensive is a superpower. But creating space for the other person to talk and share their feelings shows respect and empathy. It makes the other person feel understood and shows you have a genuine interest in them. Listening also expands our constructs and perceptions by opening up another world into someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and values besides our own. It helps us reflect, learn, and grow.

How can we listen in a way that helps validate the other person and allows them to feel truly heard? 1.Be present. Turn off your phone. Focus on what the other person is saying without thinking about how to respond. Don’t rush in to give advice or shift the focus to yourself. 2.Listen with empathy and visualize what the other person is saying. When we literally

put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, we show them respect and compassion. 3.Listen without judging. We may be thinking to ourselves, “Well, I don’t agree with that” or “That wasn’t a smart move,” but we can’t be helpful when we are mentally critiquing them.

If it’s a heated discussion, ask questions or restate the issue, if appropriate. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. It doesn’t mean you are agreeing with them. It does, however, show you’re listening and may bring the intensity down a notch. Sometimes this takes courage. If it’s too intense, take a time out. You can always come back to the issue after a cool down period.

Don’t offer solutions unless asked. Even then, tread lightly. Point out options and explore them. The ideal outcome is that the person will come up with their own solution after having been actively listened to.

Try an experiment this week. When you are having a conversation with someone, make active listening your only goal. When you walk away from the conversation, summarize and ask yourself if you really heard what the other person was saying. Inevitably you will learn something new about yourself or the person you were talking to. All of these tips help establish trust and stronger relationships, in our work, in our friendships, and with our family. Like most skills, developing good listening skills take practice. But we owe it to ourselves and others to cultivate this skill that builds communication, trust, and strong relationships. All we have to do is listen. 

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Children’s House Montessori Celebrating 42 Years

Nurturing children and teachers

BY CHRISTIANNA MARKS AND HAYLEY MATTSON

Children’s House Montessori School has been a staple in education in Atascadero for the last 42 years. A young Korey Dudley envisioned the school to life in 1980 at the young age of just 23.

Originally, Korey attended UC Santa Cruz, pursuing an art degree, but quickly changed course to Childhood Development at California Polytechnic State University (Cal Poly) in San Luis Obispo. Her plan was to teach kindergarten after graduation.

“So, that was my plan, to graduate and then do another year from the credential program and teach public school,” stated Korey with a laugh. “Somewhere in there, a friend of mine told me about this incredible woman, the co-founder, and director of a Montessori Training Center in London, who was giving guest lectures in the evenings at Cal Poly. She had lived and worked with Maria Montessori. I went to one class. That was it. I fell in love.”

The Montessori philosophy resonated with Korey that all children carry the person they will become within themselves. In order to develop physical, intellectual, and spiritual potential to the fullest, the child must have freedom—a freedom which they achieve through order and self-discipline.

That’s all it took; Korey jumped in and started taking Montessori-based classes, learning all she could, about the teaching method while finishing up her last year at Cal Poly. In a convenient turnof events, her last two professors were both Montessori trained.

This was in 1980, and Korey’s new plan was to graduate that year and travel. She commented that she wanted to live on a kibbutz in Israel, but just like her traditional teaching goals, her travel plans were pushed to the side when opportunity knocked.

During an open house/parent night in March of 1980, before graduation, Korey was chatting with a professor about having a Montessori school one day, and he told her about a building in Atascadero, zoned for education. Korey and her friend Donna (Henley) Mitchell, whom she started the school with, called the building owner shortly after.

“I thought, ‘she’s not going to rent to two young girls.’ But the owner was thrilled and said, ‘Yes!, let’s talk about it,” Korey shared.

Much to Korey’s surprise, she and Donna were cleared for the property to start the school and a place to live. Upon graduation, Korey went to Santa Barbara to finish her Montessori training and passed her exam.

Children’s House Montessori School (CHMS) officially started in September of 1980 with 13 students and was open from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. The school’s age range originally included students from three to five. Elementary school was not added until 1988.

The young teachers, with the help of Korey’s then boyfriend, Steve, and Donna’s father, built everything needed for the school. Including a wooden play structure. Donna stayed on with the school for three years before leaving, and that’s when Korey started hiring other teachers.

Meanwhile, the Montessori school’s original location was only zoned for 24 children but the need for more children, including elementary grades was growing. Korey and her now husband (who were married in 1985) knew things needed to change. The original building was also in need of a lot of work and the owners were ready to sell it.

“We knew we had to either give it up eventually or find something more permanent. So, in 1988 we found this property,” Korey explained of the school’s current location on Monterey Road.

The property, as we now know, was empty when Korey and her husband, Steve, purchased it. The husband and wife team had to go through the City of Atascadero to have it zoned for schooling.

“We went to the Planning Commission. They approved it. I think it was unanimous,” Korey added. “On the 11th hour of the last day, a neighbor down the street complained about it. So we had to go through the appeal process with the City Council. We got all the children and went to the City Council meeting. The parents and children wrote letters and gave speeches. We were approved unanimously.

But that wasn’t the only hiccup Children’s House Montessori School had to face. The Small Business Administration (SBA) denied their loan last minute. Again, with another appeal process, the loan was finally approved.

In 1992, the Atascadero News covered the school’s new location’s official groundbreak-

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 15 ing, and in May of 1993, the teachers and students moved into the 5,600-square-foot building. Adding the library a few years later, the Upper Elementary classroom, and then the barn addition as a dedication to her late husband after that.

“It’s been a journey. And it’s been my life’s dream come true.” Korey shared with a smile.

The school expanded from preschool through third grade to include toddlers in 1993 in the new building. Then, in 1998, a large expansion was made to add students through sixth grade.

“Adding the upper elementary was such a great thing because it kept families here for 10 years and truly strengthened the Children’s House community. The sense of community has been the best part of Children’s House from day one,” Korey says of the school.

In the 90s, Korey took over running the Montessori World Education Institute in San Luis Obispo and moved it to Atascadero. She had been on the board for years, and shared responsibilities with three other Montessori teaching professionals in the county.

Due to the additional workload, the Institute hired Dana Willis in 1996 to assist Korey, and she started working at the front desk at Children’s House Montessori School. It became impossible for Dana not to work for the school simultaneously. When the Montessori World Educatio Institute moved to Cambria, Dana stayed on with Children’s House and has been a pillar for both Korey and the entire school ever since.

Korey explained that having the Institute available in the county is great for continuing to train incoming teachers.

In 2020 as the school was getting ready to celebrate 40 years in Atascadero, the covid-19 pandemic hit the nation. With so many hands-on learning tools to promote Montessori, covid created its own kind of learning curve that challenged the core of what Korey and her team had built.

“It was hard. It was so hard,” added Korey.

The Montessori teaching philosophy allows children to learn at their own pace, according to their own capabilities, and in a non-competitive atmosphere. The environment is important, as each is prepared with respect to the child’s size and interests, with educational materials located on low shelves within easy reach. The children are free to direct themselves and set up their own learning program in a trusting atmosphere under the guidance of the teachers. However, during lockdown, creating this type of environment online was quite the challenge, to say the least.

Korey and her team came up with creative ways to nurture the children’s natural curiosities through video and maintain the family environment the kids were accustomed to.

In the fall of 2020, Children’s House was able to acquire a school waiver with the county so they could re-open with small groups and pods of students.

“The teachers hunkered down and did a wonderful job of teaching the children in their classrooms, but it was difficult for me to do what I loved most about the school, which was involving the parents, and bringing the classrooms together. All the community traditions like our Culture Fair or Thanksgiving gathering and all the buddy celebrations were things we could not do. Covid forced me to really think outside the box in how to share what the children were doing with the parents and keep community strong,” Korey shared as she gazed up, thinking back to those days of uncertainty.

However, she was able to create ways to keep the community element alive at her school, and in 2021 they were able to put on their Thanksgiving play, have a fullblown graduation, and welcome parents back into the classrooms on a limited basis.

“This year, we had Open House in March, and I realized it was the first time some parents had ever watched their children with the [classroom] materials. I was just so emotional over it,” she recalled.

Korey went on to say that the relationships and friendships that she’s been able to foster over the years with the community and her students has been a joy in her life, and she is still in touch with many of her past students, even now, that they’re older.

“[I’m] grateful for everybody who brought me here; I mean, it definitely takes a village. The teachers have been so dedicated; some have been here for over 20 years. They are what makes Children’s House so special.” added Korey. The friendships of so many parents over the years has been so rewarding, and, of course, I am a very lucky person who gets to be loved by hundreds of delightful children. Children’s House is a special place, and the past 42 years have been a true gift.

Young students enjoy the classes and learning activities at Children’s House Montessori School in Atascadero. Korey Dudley (shown in bottom right photo) opened the school’s first location in 1980, when she was 23 years old. Photos by Hayley Mattson.