Health | No Regrets

HEALTH & MENTAL WELLNESS

No Regrets

BY DR. CINDY MAYNARD

Regrets? Sure, we’ve all had a few. But you don’t get to be a certain age without experiencing some regrets along the way. The problem lies in not being able to let go and they become an albatross around your neck. Like one friend said to me, “Regrets are like carrying an extra suitcase on my back.”

Regret is defined as “an emotion of self-blame, experienced when people realize or imagine that their present situation would have been better had they decided differently in the past,” according to Dr. Marcel Zeelenberg, Professor of Behavioral Research at Vrije University, Amsterdam.

According to research on the science of regret, we typically feel more regret for things we didn’t do rather than mistakes that we made in the past. Regret, an emotion of self-blame, negatively impacts our mental health and causes rumination thinking about “what might have been.” Romance matters tend to top the list of regrets, followed by family, education, financial matters, paths not taken, or losing touch with an important person.

Regrets are an inevitable part of life. It’s not the moment-by-moment experiences where perhaps we flew off the handle or said something inappropriate and we could easily apologize for it. It’s the lifelong regrets that we seem to obsess and ruminate about that cause us the most pain.

What are some tangible ways we can deal with regrets? We can learn and evolve from them rather than having them cripple us.

“I regret that I never did comprehend how brief my life on earth really is.” Avila Beach local Ann Feeser states. “Too much of my time was spent thinking and planning about the future. I am now firmly in my future and there is no future in it.”

Acknowledge your feelings. This can be liberating and break the power of isolation and shame. Many people are surprised to learn they aren’t the only ones who have gone through the same experience.

Another way to deal with regrets is to accent the positive in our lives. A few years ago I became certified to teach Dignity Therapy, a program developed by psychiatrist Harvey Max Chochinov that helps end-of-life clients write their legacy of important memories and accomplishments to pass onto their loved ones. It is a tangible way to look back on a life well-lived and show that their lives have had meaning.

But why wait until we are at the end of our lives to write this document? Each time you find yourself ruminating about past regrets, try focusing instead on the positive things you have accomplished in your life. This decreases the focus on regrets and unforgiveness common in one’s later life and shifts the brain to a positive focus which literally changes our brain chemicals.

Here are some questions asked of clients in the Dignity Therapy program: • Tell me a little about your life history and the parts that you think are the most important?

• When did you feel most alive?

• What do you would want your loved ones to know or remember about you?

• What are your most important accomplishments; what do you feel most proud of?

• What are your hopes and dreams?

• What have you learned about life that you would want to pass on to others?

Regrets can either shackle you to the past or serve as an agent for change. If you have the ability to apologize for past behavior by all means, do. Vow to do better. If you can change your current situation for the better, do. If not, try and have compassion for yourself for past regrets you can’t change. If you didn’t follow a certain path, it’s possible that the path you chose was the best one after all. For those relationships that were hurtful, try and find the gift, or life lesson it taught you. Think, rather, how much you have changed or evolved. Lastly, for regrets where you missed out on doing something, put the “what ifs” behind you. It’s never too late to accomplish the dreams you had on the back burner.

Cindy Maynard PhD, RD, is a health psychologist, registered dietitian and a health and fitness writer. You can contact her at drcindymaynard@ live.com

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