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COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

T.I.Ps

Trauma Informed Parents ISSUE No.23 September 2026

IN THIS ISSUE:

Seeing Behaviour Differently- Changing our Parenting Mindset

How to Support a Bereaved Child or Young Person

When Homework Is Too Much: How Families and Schools Can Ease After‑School Overwhelm

5 "Parenting Protectors" That Can Appear When Your Child Questions Their Gender

When Grief Shows Up in Unexpected Ways

When Your Child’s Feelings Scare You: Managing Parental Anxiety While Supporting Them

Image: ©Coect

Meet the Team!

Executive Editor - Sarah Naish

Executive Editor - Sair Penna

Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot

Contributor -Dave Edwards

Contributor - Russ HartlandShaw

Contributor - Jessica Spenceley

Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies. Sarah is also and cofounder and CEO at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C.

Kathryn is co-founder and managing editor of the TIPs magazine, at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C specialising in public relations.

Russ set up Breathe Leadership & Business Coaching in 2020 as a result of adopting and becoming a parent to two boys in 2019. He was then inspired to specialise in Therapeutic Parenting to support families navigating the challenges of early childhood trauma.

Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Author, Parent Coach and Havening practitioner. Sair is also co-founder and Director of Training, Qualifications & Quality at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C

Dave is a Therapeutic Parent, Conflict Management & Point-of-Impact Crisis Intervention Trainer. He works within Family Services specialising in enabling parents with the knowledge and implementation of de-escalation strategies, and supports parents and agencies in cases of child on parent violent.

Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.

Contributor - Carolyn Baynes Carolyn is a qualified and licensed cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapist as well as a mindfulness meditation teacher. She works therapeutically with both adults and children in Farnham and online.

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TRAUMA-INFORMED PARENTS

CONTENTS 4 Seeing Behaviour Differently- Changing our Parenting Mindset

9 When Grief Shows Up in Unexpected Ways

19 When Your Child’s Feelings Scare You: Managing Parental Anxiety While Supporting Them

3 Editor's Note 6 Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon Head to Australia 7 How to Support a Bereaved Child or Young Person 10 A note from Sarah Naish - Book Update on The New A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting: Teens & Tweens 11 UPCOMING EVENTS CoECT Training, Workshops and Events Schedule 2026 12 5 Parenting Protectors That Can Appear When Your Child Questions Their Gender 16 When Homework Feels Like Too Much: How Families and Schools Can Ease After‑School Overwhelm 22 Ask the Experts - In Person

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From its beginnings as a Therapeutic Parenting Group on Facebook a decade ago, we have evolved into a Community Interest Company dedicated to supporting parents of children who have faced early life trauma and display neurodiverse characteristics. This edition focuses on the topic o and how it can affect parents and families.

Editor’s Note Welcome Everyone, As September comes round, the seasons change noticeably, the summer holidays end, and school returns for many; children may be dealing with all sorts of feelings beneath the surface. Some might feel anxious, others tired or overwhelmed, and some may simply be finding it hard to keep up with everything going on. And while school is often part of the picture, what children may need most isn’t help with homework or keeping up academically. They need to feel emotionally safe. Emotional safety is knowing you’re understood, accepted, and cared for—even when things feel messy. It’s knowing that home is a place where big feelings are okay, where a meltdown doesn’t make you “too much,” and where you can let your guard down without being judged. It’s the comfort of knowing you don’t always have to be okay. You don’t have to perform, pretend, or keep pushing through when you’re struggling. This issue is dedicated to that kind of safety. We explore why children often release their emotions the moment they walk through the door, why homework can feel impossible when their emotional cup is already full, and how parents can stay calm even when their child’s feelings feel frightening or overwhelming. We explore grief, identity, anxiety, and the quiet struggles children carry — not to label them, but to help us understand and support them. Warmest wishes Sair, Sarah & The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C

Sair Penna Executive Editor

Kathryn Talbot Managing Editor

TIPs Magazine

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Seeing Behaviour Differently- Changing our Parenting Mindset Image: ©RHartland-Shaw

Written By Russ Hartland-Shaw “I think everyone needs some space; we’ve lost our way…” That has become something of a stock response of mine as I parent my two boys now they are getting older. As my youngest begins to find his own voice and explore his own ideas, he is becoming increasingly less compliant and less tolerant of his big brother’s demands. His brother, meanwhile, is entering the pre-teen era at what feels like breakneck speed! So it is fair to say we are in the eye of the emotional regulation storm as we continue to handle two very different life stages that are less aligned than they have been previously. As is so often the case with this developmental phase, the pre-teen and then teenage years bring with them a myriad of emotions and feelings, fuelled by an injection of hormones strong enough to knock an elephant over in a single surge! For my eldest, however—as will be true for many of the children whose parents and carers are reading this— those typical age-related changes are landing on a nervous system that already finds emotional regulation, reasoning and decision-making difficult likely as a result of their early lived experiences. The combination of early childhood trauma and adolescent hormones is a tricky formula for everyone concerned. Heightened conversations and debates, sensitivity, poor judgement and fight, flight or freeze responses are all possible, if not highly likely following the most innocent of remarks uttered by a well-meaning adult or sibling. ISSUE 23

This is why, as therapeutic parents, we have to see beneath the behaviour. My declaration that “everyone needs some space” often follows the harshest of words exchanged between the children, the most unreasonable behaviour and responses that appear disproportionately aggressive or violent in relation to the trigger. To the untrained eye, it can look like poor behaviour: entitled, petty, regressive, possessive or selfish—I could go on. With a trauma-informed and therapeutic parenting lens, however, we learn to look beneath the behaviour and ask what is really going on. When we can do that, everything changes. What follows are observations and recommendations that will shift our mindset to being more open and empathetic with our children’s behaviour. From focusing on the problem to communication The first mindset shift is simple to describe and much harder to live: behaviour is communication. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?”, we try to ask, “What might this be telling me?” A slammed door may be communicating shame or rejection and abandonment. Refusal might be fear of failure or a need for control. Anger may be protecting hurt, grief or anxiety. None of this makes unsafe or hurtful behaviour acceptable, they are reasons and not excuses, something else that is known in our house is one of ‘Papa’s mantras’!

We still hold boundaries. The difference is that we respond to the need as well as the action and in order to be effective, it has to be in that order, connection then correction. Curiosity creates a pause between what happens and what we do next. In that pause, we may find room to notice the story we are telling ourselves: “He is doing this deliberately”; “She has no respect”; “I am getting this completely wrong.” If we can replace certainty with wondering—“I wonder what has happened?” or “I wonder what feels unsafe here?”—we are less likely to react from frustration and more able to offer connection. If we can connect before we correct, it is far more likely to land and more critically, stick. I remember reading about our very own Sarah Naish’s sound advice here, create the space to think, declare a pretend loo visit if you need to! The loo visit is a powerful catalyst for creating connection over correction and allows space for us to be curious over what we have just experienced and choosing the best response. Patience starts with regulation Patience is often spoken about as if we can simply summon more of it. In reality, patience is much harder when our own nervous system is activated. We may be tired, late, worried about work, embarrassed by an audience or still carrying the T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

impact of yesterday’s conflict. Before we can help a child regulate, we may need to notice ourselves: our tight jaw, raised voice, racing thoughts or urge to win the argument. Sometimes the most therapeutic response is not a perfect sentence but a slower breath, fewer words and a reduction in demands. “We are both getting overwhelmed. Let’s pause and come back to this.” Space should not feel like rejection or punishment; it can be a deliberate way of helping everyone return to a place where thinking is possible. Using PACE as a way of being PACE—Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy—is less a script than a way of being with a child or teenager. Playfulness can introduce warmth and lightness when it is safe and appropriate, reminding a child that the relationship can survive a difficult moment. Acceptance means accepting the child’s inner experience, not approving every behaviour: “I can see how angry you are, but I will not let you hurt your brother.” Curiosity replaces interrogation with gentle wondering: “I’m wondering if something about that felt unfair?” Empathy communicates that the child does not have to face the feeling alone: “I can see that was really hard for you.” PACE does not mean being endlessly cheerful, abandoning consequences or ignoring safety. A boundary can be both firm and relational: “I won’t let you hit. I’m here with you, and we will work out what happened when we are both calmer.” The limit remains; blame and shame do not have to be added to it. Listening for the message Active listening is one of the most practical ways to show curiosity and empathy. It involves hearing more than the words. We notice tone, posture, what happened before the incident and what the child may not yet be able to say. Rather than rushing to correct, advise or defend ourselves, we can reflect back what we think we have heard: “You wanted him to stop, and it felt as though nobody was listening.” We can check rather than assume: “Have I understood that?” ISSUE 23

Image: ©COECT via Canva Do not underestimate the power of being present, the eye contact, the gesturing to show you are listening as well as saying it. This does not mean agreeing with every version of events. It means showing the child that their experience matters. Often, children cannot listen to our perspective until they feel that we have genuinely tried to understand theirs. Connection does not remove accountability; it creates a safer route towards it. Rupture and Repair Of course, all of this sounds much easier on paper. Therapeutic parenting takes place in kitchens, cars and crowded supermarkets; on little sleep; while siblings are arguing and the pasta is boiling over. We will sometimes shout, misread the situation or reach for a consequence before curiosity. Excellence cannot mean getting it right all the time. A more humane measure is whether we are increasingly able to notice, pause and try a different approach where possible. When we do get it wrong, saying sorry is not weakness or a loss of

authority. It is role modelling. “I shouted earlier. That was not how I wanted to speak to you. I’m sorry. Next time I’m going to take a pause.” A meaningful apology names our action without making the child responsible for comforting us. It shows that relationships can bend, repair and continue. It also models the relationships can bend, repair and continue. It also models the accountability we hope to see in our children. Do not underestimate the power of being vulnerable. It is one of the greatest displays of strength and leadership to show you are human by being vulnerable, especially with our children. Being kind to ourselves Self-compassion is not an optional extra. Guilt may tell us that we care, but shame can leave us stuck and defensive. We can hold ourselves with the same curiosity we offer our children: “What was happening for me then? What support or pause did I need?” Being kind to ourselves does not mean avoiding responsibility. It means creating enough emotional space to learn, repair and begin again. Seeing behaviour as communication will T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

not make every moment easy, nor will it reveal a neat answer every time. What it can do is move us from “What is wrong with you?” towards “What has happened, what are you feeling and what do you need from me now?” That shift from judgement to curiosity, from control to connection gives both parent and child another way foward.

We will not do it perfectly. We can, however, keep practising, keep repairing and keep looking beneath the behaviour. Our children look to us as role models; this much is true, but don't mistake that for them looking for perfection, because that is unobtainable. They need to see us get things wrong and then witness how to handle it in an emotionally intelligent way.

So for me I will continue to declare that ‘we all need some space’ when I noticed the tension rising in our house. I will try to follow my own advice, notice the behaviour and work out what it’s communicating to me. I will also allow myself to get this wrong, provided I commit to trying again next time. Because that is the golden rule of all therapeutic parenting. The permission not to be perfect, role model, say sorry, and repair any rupture.

You can find out more about the support Russ offers to parents via his website. https://www.breathebusinesscoaching.com Russ is also an Associate with The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C. (CoECT)

Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon Head to Australia This October, Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon are heading to Australia to take part in the Healing Homes for Kids 2026 – Therapeutic Parenting & Carer Wellbeing Roadshow, hosted by Adopt Change, starting on 12th October in Western Sydney. The roadshow will visit five locations across Australia, bringing together foster parents, kinship carers, adoptive parents and professionals supporting children who have experienced trauma and adversity. The tour will cover Western Sydney, the Hunter/Central Coast, Ballina, Melbourne and Adelaide, with sessions focusing on therapeutic parenting, real-life strategies and carer wellbeing. It promises to be an exciting opportunity to connect with Australian carers and professionals, share experiences and strengthen understanding of trauma-informed care. Support for Australian families To coincide with the Australian tour, we have created a dedicated webpage for Australian parents and carers to discover the support available from COECT. It brings together information about our therapeutic parenting approach, resources and support, making it easier for families in Australia to find out how COECT can help them on their parenting journey.

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Image: Naish/AI Image

If you're an Australian foster parent, kinship carer, adoptive parent, birth parent or professional supporting children who has experienced trauma or displays neurodivergent charachteristics do take a look. www.coect.co.uk/australia

Find out more about the Healing Homes for Kids 2026 roadshow, including dates, locations and event details, on the Adopt Change website. T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

How to Support a Bereaved Child or Young Person Written By Mica Bale When you become a parent, there are manuals and classes to teach you how to care for your baby as they grow into children and then young people. But when your child is bereaved, it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Many parents feel overwhelmed and unsure how to support a child who is grieving, especially if they are struggling with their own feelings of bereavement. Child Bereavement UK is the UK’s largest provider of grief support for grieving children and young people, as well as parents bereaved of a baby or child. The charity has been established for more than 30 years and offers clinically rooted support for young people and the adults around them, including education professionals. One of the first questions a parent or carer can face is how to tell a child somebody important to them has died or is going to die. As adults, it’s natural to want to shield and protect children, leading some parents to be fearful of speaking about what has happened or to use language which is considered ‘softer’. Child Bereavement UK recommends that adults use age-appropriate but open and direct language, instead of using phrases like ‘lost’ or ‘passed away ’, which can cause confusion; it is important for children to understand that somebody has died. For instance, a child may understand that a toy can be ‘lost’ and conclude that just as a toy can be found again, their loved one will be coming back soon. ISSUE 23

Image: ©COECT via Canva Children are also incredibly sensitive and can pick up the feelings of the adults around them. Without a clear understanding of why a parent or sibling or another family member is sad, they may even begin to wonder if they have done something wrong or think that they have caused the problem. Parents of bereaved children have often remarked that while they feel like their grief is constant, children can be surprising, one minute asking questions or feeling sad and the next asking what’s for tea. This is a very normal response, known clinically as ‘Puddle jumping’, in which a younger child copes with grief by ‘jumping’ in and out of their feelings. Including children in decisionmaking where possible is also very important – whether they are young or as they grow older.

time to regularly look at photos or to create a special memory box, especially if the person died when the child was very young. Child Bereavement UK helps families to rebuild their lives when a child grieves or when a child dies, offering free, UK-wide, accessible online grief support to children and young people (up to 25) who are bereaved or facing the death of someone important, and the parents and carers of babies and children who are dying or have died. The charity also offers guidance and resources for those supporting bereaved families, whether a parent, family member or friend, as well as tailored advice, training and education programmes for professionals.

When somebody dies, there are lots of decisions to be made – should a child go back to school soon? Should a child attend a funeral? How to cope with anniversaries or special days around festivities. Another aspect which is important in supporting your bereaved child is to keep the memory of the person who has died, alive. That could be by taking time to

You can find out more information on how Child Beavement UK support families at www.childbereavementuk.org

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Therapeutic Parent Coaching Diploma Supporting children through trauma, big emotions, and complex needs can be challenging—and the adults caring for them need support too. Our Therapeutic Parent Coaching course equips you with the knowledge and skills to help parents and caregivers better understand their children, respond to challenges with confidence, and build stronger, more connected relationships. Through a trauma-informed approach, you will learn how to:

✓ Understand behaviour as communication ✓ Support parents with practical therapeutic strategies ✓ Strengthen connection and emotional safety ✓ Help families navigate challenges with greater confidence Whether you are a practitioner, family support worker, educator, therapist, or someone passionate about supporting families, this course provides valuable tools to make a meaningful difference. For more information go to our website https://trauma-informed-parenting.learnworlds.com/course/therapeutic-parent-coaching or scan the QR code.

Image: ©JSpenceley

When Grief Shows Up in Unexpected Ways: Helping Children Feel Safe Through Loss Written By Jessica Spenceley One of the hardest parts of parenting a child who has experienced early loss is knowing what to do when grief shows up. Your instinct may be to reassure, distract, explain, or focus on the positives. You want to make the hurt go away. But grief doesn't need fixing. It needs relationship. This is where Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI®) offers something hopeful. TBRI helps you become the safe relationship where your adopted child can begin to process their grief.

Grief Doesn't Stay in the Past For children who have experienced early adversity and trauma, grief isn't one loss. It's often many losses layered together: birth family, familiar carers, siblings, culture, language, community, routines, and the life that might have been. Many of these losses are never acknowledged. There is no funeral for saying goodbye to a birth parent or leaving a foster home. No sympathy cards arrive for losing a first language or everything that once felt familiar. When loss goes unseen, children often learn to carry it alone. Grief also changes over time. An adopted child who seemed unaffected at six may ask difficult questions at twelve or struggle with identity as a teenager. New stages of development often bring old losses back into view. ISSUE 23

And grief often doesn’t look the way adults expect. It may show up as anger, anxiety, withdrawal, control, or pushing away the people your child needs most.

Connection Makes Grief Safe The first way TBRI helps children process grief is through connection. Children don't need their grief minimised or explained away. They need someone willing to stay in it with them. Sometimes that sounds like:"It makes sense that today feels hard." Or, "You can love our family and still miss your birth family. It’s ok, and both things can be true." Many adoptive parents worry that talking about birth family or past losses will make their child more upset. In reality, acknowledging grief doesn't create it. More often, it gives children permission to express feelings they've been carrying on their own. Grief needs witnesses more than solutions.

Empowering Children Through Grief Loss leaves children feeling powerless because they had no choice about what happened to them. When grief resurfaces, that same sense of helplessness can return.

TBRI's Empowering Principles help restore a sense of safety by reducing uncertainty and giving children appropriate choices. Preparing your child for anniversaries, birthdays, or contact visits allows them to approach significant moments rather than being blindsided by them. Offering simple choices helps too. "Next week is the day you came to live with us. Would you like to go out and do something together, or would you rather keep the day quiet?" You can't take away your child's grief, but you can help them experience it in ways that feel more predictable, supported, and manageable. Correcting Without Losing Connection Sometimes grief comes out sideways. It may look like shouting, arguing, withdrawing, or pushing you away. Those behaviours still need guidance, but TBRI reminds us that correction is most effective after connection. Rather than asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?" try asking, "What might my child be trying to communicate?" Once your child is calm, there is space to explore what happened, T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

repair the relationship if needed, and teach a different way of expressing those feelings next time. Children learn far more from correction that preserves connection than from correction that leaves them feeling alone.

difficult day. It will return as they grow, understand more about their story, and revisit old losses with new understanding. You can't erase those losses, and you can't rewrite the beginning of your child's story.

Healing Happens in Relationship

What you can do is become the person who helps your child discover that grief no longer has to be faced alone. That is one of the greatest gifts TBRI offers.

Your child's grief won't disappear after one conversation or one

Jessica Spenceley is a therapeutic social worker and the founder of Nurtured Belonging. She writes weekly about adoption, trauma, and healing on her Substack, Adoption Beneath the Surface. Jessica is also an Associate with The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C. (CoECT) To connect with Jessica, visit jessicaspenceley.substack.com

A note from Sarah Hooray!! We’ve just finished writing The A–Z of Therapeutic Parenting – Teens and Tweens. (Author team, me, Sair Penna, Sarah Dillon and Gareth Thomas) This is a book we’ve been asked for again and again by adoptive parents, foster parents and kinship carers who told us they needed more practical help for those often challenging teenage and pre-teen years. And now, it’s finally written. (Phew)! Like the original A–Z of Therapeutic Parenting, this book is grounded in real life and lived experience. It isn’t about parenting in theory. It’s about what happens when you are actually living alongside a child or young person whose early experiences can make adolescence very different from the teenage years described in conventional parenting books. Including: Screens tech and Social Media Aggression Criminal exploitation Independence ...And another 80 topics! All with strategies and solutions that work. We have lived through/are living through baffling behaviours, frightening moments, arguments, risks, and those times when you simply think, “What on earth do I do now?”

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We are now just making the final touches before sending the manuscript off to our publishers for editing. We’ll also shortly be opening conference and training bookings for 2027 around The A–Z of Therapeutic Parenting – Teens and Tweens. If you’re thinking about bringing this subject to your organisation next year, get in touch early, as dates are likely to go quickly once the book is published. Contact info@coect.co.uk to enquire about Conference, Keynote or Training bookings relating to the new book, or subscribe to our news and updates on www.coect.co.uk T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

Upcoming CoECT Training, Workshops & Events Schedule 2026 Safeguarding, Harm & Contextual Risk 25 Sept 2026, 10:00 – 11:00 (BST) Live Online

Foundations of Emotion Regulation & Co-Regulation 28 Sept 2026, 10:00 – 12:00 (BST) Live Online

Therapeutic Communication in Residential Care 02 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 11:00 (BST) Live Online

Through the Keyhole - Self Care 02 Oct 2026, 12:00 – 13:00 (BST) Live Online

Members benefit

Supporting Anxiety, Worry & Overwhelm 05 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 12:00 (BST) Live Online

Burnout, Compassion Fatigue & Secondary Trauma 06 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 12:00 (BST) Live Online

Supporting Identity, Education & Positive Futures 09 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 11:00 (BST) Live Online

Non-Violent Communication at Home 12 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 13:00 (BST) Live Online TIPs Consult 15 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 11:00 (BST) Live Online Reflective Practice, Burnout & Professional Resilience 16 Oct 2026, 10:00 – 11:00 (BST) Live Online ISSUE 23

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Image: ©CBaynes

5 Parenting Protectors That Can Appear When Your Child Questions Their Gender Written By Carolyn Baynes When our child is experiencing confusion or distress about their gender, our parenting parts can become intensely activated. Your child may want to make a firm decision in one direction because our brains naturally seek certainty and predictability. If your child is neurodivergent, they may find uncertainty especially difficult to tolerate because it places such a high demand on their nervous system. So, while your child’s protective system will be trying to navigate the confusion inside them, they are also in the context of a culture and the family environment, which inevitably has its own supports and challenges. For example, many parents experience a culture that is both more accepting of gender diversity than in previous generations and, at the same time, one that can encourage people to adopt labels or move towards certainty before they feel ready. This article explores the parents' protective system and how it may influence the parent-child relationship. Protection: When we have a child, a whole host of protective parts of us come online. For example, you may recognise the anxious one who constantly scans for danger, or the planner who is always looking ahead, hoping—or fearing—that things will stay as they are, and many others. These protectors have one job and one job only: to protect your child. Sometimes they can get polarised with other protectors who are trying to protect you: for example, the ones who need you to get a good night’s sleep, or rest, or attend to your partner, or career. When our child is questioning their gender, a particular team of protectors can quickly swing into action, trying, with the best of intentions, to help and mitigate harm for you and your child. They can often be fuelled by beliefs about what you learnt

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about your gender growing up in the culture we have, and can certainly carry energy about whether your child is wanting to transition away from your shared gender or into your shared gender. Before we explore some common parenting protectors, it can be helpful to pause and notice what your own system brings to this conversation. Questions for reflection: 1) What messages did I receive about my own gender while growing up? 2) If my child's birth sex is different from mine, what messages did I receive about people of their sex or gender? 3) What feelings arise in me when I imagine my child moving towards or away from my own gender identity? 4) What are each of my protectors most afraid would happen if my child continued on this path? As you read about the protectors below, notice whether any of them feel familiar. There are no right or wrong answers. Every protector is trying to care for something important. Internal Family Systems (IFS) proposes that we all have Parts and we all have Self. Parts are natural inner personalities that develop to help us navigate life. Self is our calm, compassionate, courageous and curious core. Self has only one agenda, and that is connection. Our Parts, however, often have very strong opinions— including about gender. When our Parts become polarised around our child's experience, connection can easily be lost. When those Parts feel heard and begin to trust Self to lead, connection can return.

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The following names are not official IFS terminology. They are descriptive names I often use to help parents recognise the protective roles that can become activated when a child is questioning their gender: Five Common Protectors: These are common protectors that you may be hearing from in your system, but this list is not exhaustive! Try journalling the voices and impulses you are noticing. None of these protectors are "bad" either. Every one of them is trying, in its own way, to protect something precious. The difficulty comes when they take over the relationship with our child. Persuader: This protector tries to convince your child that they are already beautiful, whole, loved, and enough just as they are. It may speak about their body, their birth sex, faith, or family values. Although its intention is loving, its strong need to persuade can leave your child feeling unheard. How to speak for this part: “I am noticing right now a part that wants to persuade you that you are just perfect as you are, and this piece of me feels so much sadness that you don’t feel that”

Safety Officer: This part might be focused on protecting your child from irreversible physical changes. It looks to the future and is full of warnings and even grief about the changes being sought. How to speak for this part: “I am noticing a part of me right now that just wants to protect you; it believes that permanent changes at the moment might be such a cause of regret”

Prosecutor: This part builds a case for the birth gender of your child and has many logical arguments about why it is a mistake to switch genders. It might point to cultural arguments, social media and even partners as being the ones that should be blamed and prosecuted for the child’s gender journey. The prosecutor can be aggressive and combative. How to speak for this part: “I am noticing a part of me wants to blame myself/social media/ partner/friendships/life events”. (This one is often best shared with a trusted friend or therapist as our children are not well equipped to handle the prosecutor part.) Planner: This part plans for the worst and is focused on timelines. It may draw on ideas about ISSUE 23

Image: ©COECT via Canva adolescent brain development, believing that waiting before making irreversible decisions offers greater safety. This part might come across as logical and caring but with a strong agenda to “wait” before taking irreversible action. How to speak for this part: “I am noticing a part of me that holds information about brain development and wants to slow down the process until you are older, but I am also aware you are holding urgent parts that are wanting action right now” Project manager: This part can sometimes work alongside the Planner and may even try to “help” the child with their goals by taking over the project management side of things: appointments, drugs and surgery. This part is so frightened of losing the relationship with the child that it has decided it must support the journey. This part can be strongly polarised with other parts in the parent’s system as they navigate the strong feelings at play. How to speak for this part: "I'm noticing a part of me that is desperate not to lose you. It believes that supporting every step of this journey is the only way to keep our relationship safe." As you finish reading these descriptions, take a moment to notice which of these protectors showed up most strongly for you. What is that part trying to protect? What might happen if it trusted Self to lead just a little more? T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

If we are trying to connect to our child from our protective system, that will trigger their protectors, and pretty quickly it will be a fight. Our child may be very nervous and uninterested in having a conversation with us because they've already met our protectors and know them well. The first step is to notice and befriend our own protectors—perhaps through journalling, therapy or conversations with a trusted friend. As those protectors begin to soften, we become more able to have a Self-led conversation with our child. This may require you to be upfront about the harm that has already happened and repair the rift your well-meaning protectors may have caused. Here are some things to consider when making a repair: 1) Validate, validate, validate: “I know we have tried to talk about this, and it hasn’t gone well, so you not wanting to talk to me now makes just so much sense”

jumping up, please let me know. I want you to know that I am working on myself so that I can be better at hearing you, but if these parts jump in again, we may need to pause so I can help these parts of me relax”. Our children are excellent "parts detectors". They quickly sense when one of our protectors is trying to win an argument or push an agenda. Our work is to notice when our own Parts step in, take responsibility for them, and return to Self. Supporting a child who is questioning their gender can be emotionally demanding. You do not have to navigate it alone. Working with an IFS-informed therapist can help you care for your own protective system so that you are better able to stay connected, compassionate and curious with your child, whatever unfolds.

2) Repair: “I want to apologise to you; it must have felt awful that our conversations went so badly wrong, and when you needed me to be calm and compassionate, parts of me jumped in to argue and attack.”

Carolyn Baynes is a qualified and licensed cognitive-behavioural hypnotherapist as well as an associate with The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma C.I.C. (CoECT) Reach out to Carolyn via info@carolynbaynes.co.uk

3) Invitation: “I would really like to try again, and if you sense even the faintest sniff that these parts are

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Day Retreat for Weary Parents A Day Retreat for exhausted Parents and Carers looking for ways to interrupt the signs and symptoms of Compassion Fatigue & Burnout Date: Friday 29th January, 2027

What's Included:

Venue: Delta Marriott Hotel, Shurdington Rd, Brockworth, Gloucester GL3 4PB, UK

Opportunity to Offload, Reflect and Make a Plan

Cost: £100 per person plus VAT* *Coect members' discount applies

Join us for a morning filled with engaging conversations among likeminded parents. You will also have the opportunity to dedicate time to developing a plan that supports your well-being as you move forward in our Therapeutic Coaching Workshop.

Two-course Lunch Relaxation Exercise

Experience guided imagery and calming techniques to soothe your nervous system and restore balance.

Afternoon Access to Spa Facilities

Indulge in well-deserved rest and rejuvenation in a peaceful, supportive environment.

www.coect.co.uk

When Homework Feels Like Too Much: How Families and Schools Can Ease After‑School Overwhelm Written by Sair Penna For some families, the school day continues long after they come home. There’s homework to do, children who are tired and ready to switch off, and parents who may already be running on empty. What starts as “just a bit of homework” can quickly turn into tears, frustration, and a difficult evening for everyone. Homework can be stressful for both children and parents, and sometimes the difficulty has less to do with the work itself and more to do with what a child has left to give after a full day at school. By the time children get home, they may have spent six or seven hours concentrating, sitting still for long periods of time, following rules, managing friendships, meeting expectations, and navigating emotions. Even after a good day, they can be mentally and emotionally drained. For some children, this can lead to what is sometimes called after-school restraint collapse. Home is a safe place where they can finally let go of the emotions they have been holding in all day. Signs of Overwhelm Children don’t always have the words to explain that they have had enough. Instead, overwhelm may show up as irritability, shouting, crying, refusing to start homework, shutting down, difficulty concentrating, or a meltdown. Some children may also experience headaches or tummy aches. ISSUE 23

These behaviours can look like defiance or a lack of motivation, but they may be signs that a child has reached their limit. Why Parents Feel the Pressure Too Homework can be stressful for parents too. By the end of a busy day, there may not be much energy left for sitting down and working through another task. Parents can also worry about their child falling behind, whether they are giving them enough help, or whether they’ll be seen as not doing enough if the homework doesn’t get finished. Sometimes a task that should take twenty minutes can turn into a much longer, arduous task. Before long, everyone is tired, frustrated and ready to give up. What Teachers Intend Homework to Achieve For teachers, homework is usually given for a good reason. It might be a chance to practise something from the school day, reinforce learning, or help children become more confident working on their own. But what looks like a manageable task at school can feel very different at home. By the time a child gets through the school day, they may simply have had enough. Teachers don’t always get to see this T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

side of things, which is why letting them know what is happening at home can be helpful. When Homework Helps — and When It Doesn’t Homework can be useful when it feels manageable and gives children a chance to practice something they already know. A short task that they can complete without too much help can give them a sense of achievement and build confidence. The problem is when homework starts to feel like too much. If a child regularly struggles to get started, becomes upset, or spends most of the evening on schoolwork, it may be time to consider whether the approach is working for them. When homework becomes too difficult, takes an unreasonable amount of time to complete, or regularly leads to anxiety and tears, it can lose its purpose. If homework is consistently causing distress, it is worth asking whether the amount, difficulty, or approach needs to change. Alternatives to Traditional Homework Parents and teachers see different sides of a child’s day. Parents see what happens once they get home, while teachers know what the homework is designed to achieve. Both are useful pieces of the picture. Talking openly can help parents and teachers get a better sense of what is happening at home and in the classroom. Sometimes, a small change — whether that’s less homework, a different way of doing it, or a little more flexibility — can make evenings much easier. Learning at home doesn’t always have to mean sitting at a desk with a worksheet. Children learn through all sorts of everyday activities, often without even realising they are learning. Reading a favourite book, helping with dinner, playing a board game, building something, going shopping, or spending time outside can all offer opportunities to practise different skills. Cooking together can involve measuring and working with numbers, while a trip to the shops can bring maths into everyday life. Even a walk can lead to questions about nature, the weather, or what your child notices along the way. For children who find traditional homework tiring or frustrating, these everyday experiences can be a more relaxed way to keep learning going without making the whole evening feel like more school. Talking to Teachers About Homework If homework is becoming a regular struggle, it can help to talk openly with your child’s teacher. Explain what you are seeing at home, including how your child responds to the work and how long tasks are taking. You might ask whether the amount could be reduced, whether a shorter version would meet the ISSUE 23

Image: ©COECT via Canva same learning objective, or whether there is another way your child could practise the skill. It can also be useful to ask which part of the homework is most important if completing everything feels unrealistic. This is not about lowering expectations. It is about finding an approach that allows a child to learn without becoming overwhelmed. Creating a Calmer After-School Routine For some children, going straight from school into homework is simply too much. A period of downtime can help them make the transition from school to home. This might mean having a snack, playing, going outside, spending time together, watching something, or having some quiet time. Once they are more settled, homework may feel more manageable. If work does need to be completed, shorter sessions and regular breaks can help. A predictable routine can also make the evening feel less demanding. When Homework Triggers a Meltdown If homework has already led to a meltdown, continuing to push through the task is unlikely to help. The priority is to stop, give the child time to calm down, and offer whatever support usually helps them feel settled. You can revisit the work later if appropriate. Sometimes, however, it is better to leave it and let the school know what happened. One difficult evening does not mean a child has failed. It can provide useful information about what they are currently able to manage. There will always be busy days and homework that doesn’t go to plan. That’s okay. However, if homework is regularly ending in tears or arguments, it’s worth stepping back and asking whether something needs to change. The aim isn’t to avoid learning or lower expectations, but to find a way to support children that works for them and their families — without homework taking over every evening. T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

Volunteer Opportunities by Region We’re currently recruiting coordinators across the UK to lead online and local meet-ups.

Scotland North: Inverness, Thurso, Aberdeenshire, Ullapool South: Dumfries & Galloway Wales North: Conwy, Denbighshire, Flintshire South: Cardiff, Vale of Glamorgan, Neath Port Talbot England South East: East Sussex, Kent, Oxfordshire, South West: Bristol, Cornwall, Devon, Gloucestershire, Wiltshire

If you are interested in joining our team of volunteers, we’d love to hear from you! Email - info@coect.co.uk

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When Your Child’s Feelings Scare You: Managing Parental Anxiety While Supporting Them Written By Dave Edwards When I started to think about how it feels to be scared by our children’s emotional behaviour, my memories came together in a compilation reel of the mistakes I have made trying to be a therapeutic parent, and I had the associated reactions, including the apprehension in my stomach that you get before you go on the huge rollercoaster ride at a theme park. We can rationally analyse situations and offer advice and strategies when we are helping others, but when it comes to our own children, our emotional connection draws us into situations and outcomes we wish we could avoid. This is the hidden side of parenting that we find hard to share with others or ask for help to deal with. When our children struggle with their emotions, and it ends up in them using threatening behaviour or violence, it is natural to be anxious not only about our safety in the moment, but also about the future for our child and our family. We can seem to be in a ‘catch-22’ situation where, if we ISSUE 23

say nothing, then the behaviour continues to escalate, and if we are honest about the difficulties we face, we worry about being judged by our peers and professionals, criticised and even at risk of decisions being taken out of our hands. When we choose to do nothing, rules and boundaries often relax, and we avoid doing what we know is the right response for fear of our child escalating their behaviour. The way we interact socially has changed, so when we seek support online, people often react emotionally without knowing the context of our post, and they can be very critical, which undermines our confidence in our parenting and stops us from seeking the support we need. This creates an atmosphere of fear, isolation and the impression of being trapped in an unsafe situation. This impacts our ability to regulate our emotional equilibrium, which is vital in dealing with situations effectively. The other hidden impact on our parenting can come from our own upbringing. We may have T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

suffered unintentional or intentional neglect, had strict parenting or had to deal with bullying, separation or loss. This may leave us with unresolved trauma that causes us to be triggered unconsciously by our children’s seemingly innocuous behaviour. Our children then respond to our emotional response with their own, and the situation escalates.

One example is the ‘Parents’ model for handling escalating incidents, also covered in ‘The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting’ by Sarah Naish.

We may react with upset or anger, but the most uncomfortable feeling is when they trigger the freeze (fear) response in us, and we shut down completely. Our brains try to get us going by triggering our nervous systems, but we struggle to process the information our senses are receiving.

The first stage, and a key one, is to Pause before taking action so we can be emotionally ready to handle it effectively. Once we feel ready, we need to Assess the situation to answer the fundamental questions of what is going on and what caused the reaction. We then Reflect on the information we have, to match our response accurately to meet our child’s needs. Their fundamental need is to feel safe, so the next step is to show Empathy for their difficulty and provide Nurture to show them we can meet their unmet needs. Sometimes this happens before they even recognise they have that need. Once we have stabilised the situation sufficiently, we can then Think through the incident to learn for the future and then refill our own cups with some Self Care.

The numb feeling inhibits our responses, and we get stuck in the decision-making process, which causes our children to respond negatively towards us because this is not normally how we would respond to them, and their life experience tells them that when adults are not emotionally regulated, bad things happen to them. At the Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma (COECT), we have many years of experience dealing with these issues and have developed support and training based on this experience. Through our 3 Steps to Connect, Family Safety Planning, and 2-day Managing Challenging and Violent Behaviour programmes, we help you understand the reasons behind the behaviours you may be experiencing, along with practical strategies to support you, and a safe space to identify and discuss them. We also offer supportive listening calls for members where they can share their difficulties without judgement or criticism. We aim to give parents the confidence and knowledge to identify and deal with difficult situations that come from dealing with children with trauma.

This step-by-step approach walks parents through how to handle an incident as therapeutically and effectively as possible.

Dealing with crisis situations, abuse and violence is extremely draining, especially if it is ongoing, and can leave us with residual trauma. Self-care allows us to process this, bring our cortisol levels back down and re-establish our emotional equilibrium, which is vital in dealing with these incidents. Helping children deal with their trauma and big emotions involves us being brave because we need to be open, available and especially patient when things go wrong for them. This can leave us vulnerable to secondary trauma and Compassion Fatigue. We aim to help parents do this and reassure them that they are not alone or the only ones who are going through this.

Dave is a Therapeutic Parent, Conflict Management & Point-of-Impact Crisis Intervention Trainer.

Have you reached breaking point?

Working within Therapeutic Services at CoECT, Dave specialises in supporting parents and agencies working with families experiencing Child and Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA), helping them understand conflict, respond safely during challenging situations, and develop approaches that can strengthen relationships and connection. To find out more about CoECT’s support with CAPVA and 3 Steps to Connect™ Programme , go to www.coect.co.uk/therapeutic-support, scan the QR code or contact haven@coect.co.uk ISSUE 23

3 Steps to Connect™ Programme

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You’re holding so much — and you deserve to be seen. Foster parenting is relentless. It’s emotional, demanding, and often misunderstood. At TRUE, we see you. We respect you. And we treat you like what you are: a vital, skilled co-professional doing life-changing work. Real support when it matters Lived-experience insight A team that has your back You’re not invisible here. You’re essential. www.truefostering.com

Ask the Experts - In Person

There are times in therapeutic parenting when it feels as though nothing works. You have tried the strategies. You have changed your approach, offered reassurance, connection and boundaries, and perhaps sought advice from professionals. Yet your child continues to struggle, and family life can begin to feel dominated by conflict, uncertainty and exhaustion.

Sometimes, when a strategy stops working, the answer isn't to try harder. It may be to pause, become curious and look beneath the behaviour. What happened immediately before? What might the child be communicating? What do they need in that moment? And what is happening for us as parents?

In these moments, parents may begin to question themselves: What am I doing wrong? What else can I try?

These are some of the important questions being explored at CoECT's upcoming “What to Do When Nothing Works” event with therapeutic parenting experts Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon. The session offers therapeutic foster parents an opportunity to step back from the day-to-day challenges and explore different ways of understanding challenging behaviour, supporting relationships and building resilience.

For children who have experienced trauma, behaviour is often a form of communication. Anger, withdrawal, control, or rejection may express feelings that a child doesn't yet have the words or emotional capacity to communicate in another way. Understanding what sits beneath the behaviour can therefore be an important step towards finding a different response. But therapeutic parenting isn't only about understanding the child. Parents also have their own emotions and responses to manage. When situations repeat and feel challenging, frustration, fear, helplessness, and exhaustion can take their toll. Recognising this isn't a sign of failure—it is part of recognising the very real demands of therapeutic parenting. ISSUE 23

Most importantly, it provides a space to recognise that when familiar strategies no longer seem effective, parents don't have to face that experience alone. For more information go to www.coect.co.uk/live-events or scan the QR code above

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Just in Case Children who have lived through early trauma often hold on to objects that others see as useless or strange. A dart taken from the pub, hidden under the bed even though there is no dartboard. Empty boxes stacked in corners. Sweet wrappers folded away. Pens and pencils that no longer work. Bits of silver paper, old buttons, broken toys, stones, shells. All of it gathered and kept Just in case. For these children, collecting isn’t about the objects themselves. It is about safety. It is about having something of their own. It is about creating a sense of control in a world that once took too much from them. So they keep things, any things Just in case they might need them one day, Just in case something goes wrong, Just in case they are left without what they need again. Because when a child has lost so much, letting go can feel dangerous. Keeping objects becomes a kind of protection, A thin layer of security built from scraps and leftovers. A way to feel prepared. A way to feel less empty. A way to make sure they are never caught off guard again Sarah Dillon © Author & Therapist