TIPS Issue 13

COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

T.I.Ps

Trauma Informed Parents IN THIS ISSUE: Understanding Matrescence & Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood

Transitions to Becoming a Parent;

ISSUE No.13 January 2025

Balancing the Parentload:

Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos

Patrescence: Version of me 2.0 loading…

A Changing Social Network

Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs with Therapeutic parenting

Photo: ©Coect

Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting

In this issue Editor's Note

Page 2

Meet the Team!

Page 3

Understanding Matrescence and Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood

Page 4

Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting

Page 5

Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs

Page 8

Upcoming Events

Page 10

Ask the Experts

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Patrescence: Version of me 2.0 loading…

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Transitions To Becoming A Parent; A Changing Social Network

Page 19

Balancing the Parentload: Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos

Page 21

www.coect.co.uk

To advertise with us contact: tips@coect.co.uk

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Editor’s Note Welcome Everybody, We hope you have had a restful Christmas break, where possible. At CoECT we find ourselves transitioning from the festive warmth of the holiday season back to the rhythms of school and work life. The sparkle of Christmas lights has given way to the crispness of frosty mornings and the promise of a new start to the year.

The focus of the first issue of 2025 is the journey into parenthood and the challenges it can present.

This journey is unique and can be filled with a wide range of emotions, from the excitement and joy of welcoming a child into your life, to the stress and uncertainty that may arise along the way.

Sair writes about the transition of becoming a mother, which is known as Matrescence. The article explores the changes women experience through this transitional period in to motherhood.

Following on from Sair’s article and further into the magazine, we welcome Russ Hartland-Shaw, a father, and Therapeutic Parenting Coach who has written an article exploring the concept of "Patrescence," which refers to the emotional and psychological changes men experience during the transition into fatherhood.

Our resident contributor on therapeutic parenting Jessica, explores the complexities of parenting toddlers, particularly those who have experienced trauma. Jessica highlights the challenges parents face with tantrums and power struggles, emphasising the importance of understanding the underlying needs driving these behaviours. The article introduces Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) as a framework for developing connection and trust.

We welcome AJ Gajjar, a parenting and trauma consultant who has written a piece which addresses the complexities of co-parenting in the context of high-conflict divorce, particularly when one parent struggles with psychological or emotional health issues. She explores the detrimental effects that such challenges can have on children, the importance of maintaining boundaries, and emphasises the necessity of healthy co-parenting for their well-being.

Gareth Thomas, a Kinship Carer and Trainer with CoECT, joins us in this issue to discuss the significant demands of parenthood, emphasising the importance of self-care and using quiet moments not just for tasks but also for your own well-being.

We also welcome Rebecca Pacy, a Therapeutic Foster Parent and Specialist Consultant, to contribute to this issue with an article reflecting on her journey into parenthood, exploring how some relationships deepened while others faded and how parenthood reshapes relationships and develops new connections.

As always, we would love to hear from you too, so email your thoughts or questions to us at tips@coect.co.uk Warmest wishes

Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma

Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma ISSUE 13

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Meet the Team!

The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma is made up of a team of experts who have essential real-life experience. We are Adopters, Foster Parents and Bio parents of neuro diverse children, and also work as professionals in the field.

Executive Editor - Sarah Naish

Executive Editor - Sair Penna

Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot

Contributor - Gareth Thomas

Contributor - Rebecca Pacy

Contributor - Jessica Spenceley

Contributor - Russ HartlandShaw

Contributor -AJ Gajjar

Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, former Foster Parent, retired Social Worker, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies.

Kathryn works across CoECT, specialising in communications and public relations.

Rebecca is a therapeutic foster parent and specialist consultant.

She has twenty years of experience in designing innovative therapeutic support models for individuals who have experienced trauma, neurodiversity, and mental health needs.

Russ set up Breathe Leadership & Business Coaching in 2020 as a result of adopting and becoming a parent to two boys in 2019. He was then inspired to specialise in Therapeutic Parenting to support families navigating the challenges of early childhood trauma.

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Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Trainer, Therapeutic Parenting Coach.

Director of NATP, The Haven Parenting and Wellbeing Centre and Inspire Training Group and author, Sair works across CoECT supporting families.

Gareth is a Kinship Carer to three children and has volunteered with children for fourteen years.

He is currently studying for a degree in psychology, with a view to becoming an educational psychologist.

Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachmentbased, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.

AJ Gajjar is a Parenting and Trauma Consultant, child development specialist, and children's advocate.

She supports professionals within the domestic violence, family law, children's mental health and child protection sectors to recognise the detrimental effects of domestic violence, high-conflict divorce and maladaptive parenting on children.

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Understanding Matrescence and Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood Written by Sair Penna How are you finding motherhood?

The transition to parenthood is huge. One moment, you’re living your independent life, and the next, you have a little person who looks to you for everything. There’s no gradual transition; when you welcome your child home, you are immersed into the world of parenthood and learn to navigate it as you go.

You’ll likely encounter a flurry of advice and shared experiences from others—some of which you may find helpful, while others may not resonate with your situation or your current state of mind. This transitional period is unique to you; no two experiences are alike. This journey has a name: it is called Matrescence for mothers and Patrescence for fathers.

Matrescence, is a term introduced by anthropologist Dana Raphael, and describes the transition into motherhood. This journey isn’t just about the joys and cuddles although they do make parenting amazing; it starts with significant physical and hormonal changes.

For women who have given birth, there are post-pregnancy changes within the recovery process after childbirth. For all women on the journey into motherhood, whether this has been through birth, ISSUE 13

Photo: ©Coect

One of those questions, especially as a new parent, which could have varying answers depending on the day you have had and the events which have taken place. Good days, not-so-good days, however every day is a learning day! Those days when your child refuses to leave the soft play after the session has finished.

adoption, fostering, surrogacy, or a blended family, there are hormonal changes triggered by bonding with your child and the stresses that come with embracing this new role.

Adjusting to motherhood involves many changes, and some mothers may experience transformations in their bodies that they did not expect.

Activities like lifting, carrying, and running around with your child can help develop muscle tone in areas that may not have been toned before. Additionally, sleepless nights can take a toll on your energy levels, especially if you have early risers or children who have difficulty falling asleep. This is often referred to as “baby brain” or “brain fog,” which can lead to moments like forgetting to take the keys out of the front door or struggling to remember all the bags and gear needed for a young child, making things feel overwhelming. Your emotional landscape and social relationships may also change

as you navigate your identity as a parent and adjust to new dynamics with your partner, your partner, parents, siblings, and friends.

Similarly, if you’re a father, the transition to parenthood— Patrescence—is equally significant.

Dads can experience their own emotional and psychological transitions as they step into their new role, grappling with shifts in identity and family dynamics while feeling the weight of the responsibilities that come with being a Dad. Understanding the complexities of Matrescence and Patrescence can help us better understand our journey and embrace all the challenges and joys of being a parent. You’re not alone in this experience; it’s a journey that many have travelled, each in their own unique way, and in some ways giving it a name validates the process, feelings and experiences which goes with navigating parenthood.

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Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting Written by AJ Gajjar

C

What happens then, when one parent is NOT psychologically or emotionally healthy? When one parent is high conflict, has a personality disorder, is abusive, struggles with addiction, or is relationally complex and is either unwilling or just does not have the capacity to co-parent?

I have seen many parents struggle through trying to co-parent and try everything they can to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship unsuccessfully. They end up stuck in feelings of guilt and shame because they just can’t seem to co-parent well, due to no fault of their own. When friends, family, legal professionals, therapists – when everyone is telling you to co-parent but you just can’t seem to get it right, what then?

Here’s the thing - if you keep trying to co-parent with someone who does not have the capacity to, you are actually causing your children more harm. Your energy is focused on the conflict, thoughts, actions, and triggering reactions of the other parent and not on your children. You’re distracted, and not present.

The other parent due to their own challenges is also not present, also not able to meet the needs of the children, and often at times due to the maladaptive and coercive parenting approach they implement, are causing the children overt harm.

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Photo: ©AJGajjar

o-parenting offers the best long-term outcomes for children of divorce. This is what the research shows and I stand by it.

The key however is that it needs to be healthy co-parenting.

Healthy, in terms of both parents’ psychological and emotional well-being, and both parents holding the best interests of their children in utmost priority.

In an ideal world, you should be able to appeal to professionals within the legal system to help keep your children safe. However, the current legal system is one that consistently prioritises parental right, over and above child safety often leaving children in harmful environments for extended periods of time.

time with the maladaptive parent, these children will continue to experience harm at the hands of that parent. It can support these children through their experience of being placed in a less than healthy, traumatic environment repeatedly, week after week after week.

So what can you possibly do to protect your children?

It’s parenting that holds the relationship with your child as sacred, and central to everything you do and looks at the relationship from a Trauma Informed lens.

You can learn to parent differently.

Trauma Healing Parenting is a child centric, trauma-informed and responsive parenting approach created specifically to support children in the midst of high-conflict divorce, who have experienced domestic abuse, and who are experiencing maladaptive, and coercive parenting.

It is a parenting approach that teaches how to both heal the trauma your child is experiencing, and also build resiliency to protect them from future ongoing experiences of trauma.

I say “ongoing” trauma, because as long as these children are spending

It creates a Trauma Healing environment – both relationally and environmentally.

It is in these specific situations that Trauma Healing Parenting can provide hope. It maintains the Trauma Healing environment through establishing boundaries and communication strategies which minimises conflict and other distractions which would otherwise take your focus away from your parenting.

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Second, focus on the relationship that you have with your children.

Parenting children through highconflict divorce, domestic abuse, and who are experiencing maladaptive and coercive parenting, is unlike any other. These children are experiencing trauma.

That trauma is undermining the healthy growth and development of their brain, and hence these children have unique developmental needs.

Needs that can be addressed through parenting in a way that involves being highly attuned and responsive to these unique developmental needs.

Being responsive to their needs comes from both a relational and environmental perspective. From a relational standpoint, these children will depend on safety, stability and reliability in your mood and affect so they know what to expect from you.

From an environmental lens they will need consistency, predictability, boundaries and expectations. Of course, despite your best efforts you are not going to get it right 100% of the time. You’re only human after all - and that is where the importance of repair and reconnect come in.

Being honest and making repairs with your children is crucial to maintaining a sense of safety within the relationship and also helps the relationship grow and evolve. You can admit that you are not perfect, and that adults also, sometimes make mistakes. It gives you the opportunity to model the importance of apology in a way that normalises making mistakes and helps foster the development of a healthy growth mindset.

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Photo: Amanda Mauger-Jones

The first step is to shift your focus away from what the maladaptive parent is or is not doing. It’s important to get crystal clear on what you can and, I would argue more importantly, what you CAN’T control within this situation.

Then, you can focus our time and attention on things that you can influence.

Trauma Healing Parenting is NOT coparenting. In fact, it has nothing to do with the other parent. But it has everything to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR children.

It teaches you to parent in a way these children desperately need to ensure healthy emotional and psychological growth and development, and to minimise the probability of negative long-term physical and mental health outcomes that these children may otherwise likely face.

Trauma Healing Parenting is not easy. It requires dedication, time, and an unrelenting resolve to do whatever it is you need to do to provide your children with the opportunity to be healthy and thrive.

Are you unsure if this approach is a fit for your children or not?

If you have experienced domestic

Photo: ©AJGajjar

So how do you parent from a Trauma Healing lens?

abuse, are experiencing postseparation abuse, or are in the midst of a high-conflict divorce, I can almost guarantee that your children are experiencing some form of coercive or maladaptive parenting which is negatively affecting their emotional and psychological growth and development.

The earlier interventions can be put in place, the better chance these children have at securing positive outcomes and being successful in life in spite of the harm they experience.

Remember, there is only one person that can heal your child’s trauma in the most effective and efficient way.

That one person is YOU.

AJ also supports concerned parents, to best protect and empower their children not only to recover from trauma, but also to develop resilience against future traumas.

Having combined her education in Developmental Psychology, over 18 years' of experience in early child development and mental health, along with her lived experience, AJ has created Trauma Healing Parenting, a parenting model specifically designed to best support children who experience ongoing relational harm.

Interested in learning more?

Go to thetraumahealingparent.com for more information.

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Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs Written by Jessica Spenceley

Managing tantrums, navigating power struggles, and hearing “NO!” on repeat can leave even the most patient parent feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. For children who have experienced trauma, these normal toddler behaviours can be more unpredictable and even volatile, adding an extra layer of complexity to this already challenging phase.

You might often feel like you’re out of your depth, wondering how to build a secure connection with your child amidst the chaos.

That’s where Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) comes in. By shifting your focus from behaviour management to understanding the needs driving the behaviour, you can help create a sense of safety, connection, and trust.

Looking Beneath the Surface When faced with difficult behaviours, it’s tempting to focus solely on stopping the tantrum or getting through the moment.

But what if you paused and asked yourself: What might be the underlying need beneath this behaviour?

In many cases, that need revolves around control.

During the toddler years, children naturally begin to assert their independence and autonomy. It’s a crucial part of their development, but for children who have experienced trauma, this need for control can feel more intense.

Why? Because trauma robs children of their power.

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Photo: ©JSpenceley

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arenting toddlers is tough.

Violations, deprivations, and losses strip away a child’s sense of safety and agency. Understandably, this can leave a deep imprint, making them more desperate to regain control in some way.

When you recognise this, it becomes easier to approach your child with compassion, even in the heat of a meltdown. Instead of feeling like you’re in a battle of wills, you can begin to see their behaviour as a reflection of past wounds and unmet needs. This awareness not only fosters greater empathy but also helps you regulate your own emotional responses during challenging moments.

One key TBRI principle that can make a profound difference is giving your child a voice.

For children who have lost their sense of control, having a voice is empowering. It signals that they are seen, heard, and valued—an essential step in rebuilding trust and self-worth.

Using Choices to Empower Your Child A practical way to give your child a voice is by offering choices.

Choices allow children to regain a sense of control in healthy,

manageable ways.

Let’s consider a common scenario: You need to go to the store, but your child refuses to put on their shoes. Instead of engaging in a power struggle, get down on their level, make eye contact, and in a calm, warm tone, offer two choices: 1. “Would you like to put on your shoes now?”

2. “Or would you like me to put them on when we get to the store?”

Both options ensure that the shoes are put on, but your child gets to decide when it happens. If they choose to wait until you get to the store, repeat their choice clearly so they know they’ve been heard: “You want me to put your shoes on when we get there. Okay, that’s a great choice!” When the moment arrives, follow through and praise them: “You made a great choice—thank you for letting me help you!”

Making Choices a Daily Habit Offering choices isn’t just for challenging moments—it’s a strategy to use throughout the day. Whether it’s snack time, playtime, or getting dressed, T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

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think of two or three choices you can give to your child. For example: “Do you want an apple or a banana for your snack?”

The goal is to make this a regular practice so your child has repeated experiences of using their voice and making decisions in safe, supported ways.

“Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?”

The Long-Term Impact of Empowerment

“Do you want to play with blocks or do some colouring?”

Every time you offer your child a choice, you’re helping them feel valued, capable, and in control — key ingredients for healthy self-esteem.

For a child who has lived through trauma, these small moments can be deeply healing. Over time, they build trust, foster a sense of safety, and lay the foundation for a stronger connection between you and your child.

Parenting a toddler isn’t easy, but with strategies rooted in understanding and compassion, you can navigate this phase with greater confidence.

If you’re curious about TBRI or are ready to implement it in your own family, learn about the TBRI® Caregiver Training at https://nurturedbelonging.com/.

Jessica is the founder of Nurtured Belonging where she helps adopters create a strong parenting base for their children so they can heal from early adversity and trauma.

Jessica is also Associate with The Haven Parenting & Wellbeing Centre, part of The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma. (CoECT) www.coect.co.uk

www.thehavencentre.co.uk

UPCOMING IN-PERSON TRAINING DATES JANUARY Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2

Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue

Tuesday 21st January & Wednesday 22nd January 10 am - 4 pm each day THE LOFT, The Marina Bar, Vauxhall Quay, Sutton Harbour, Plymouth, PL4 0DN

Tuesday 28th January, 10 am - 1 pm Portsmouth

FEBRUARY Exploring the Foundations of Attachment Wednesday 5th February, 10 am - 1 pm Bristol

Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue Tuesday 11th February, 10 am - 1 pm Merseyside

Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2 Tuesday 11th & Wednesday 12th February 10 am - 4 pm each day Nottingham

First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting Wednesday 26th February, 10 am - 1 pm Sussex

MARCH First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting

Exploring the Foundations of Attachment

Wednesday 5th March, 10 am - 1 pm Lancashire

Thursday 6th March, 10 am - 1 pm Norfolk

Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue

Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2

Tuesday 11th March, 10 am - 1 pm Weymouth

Tuesday 18th & Wednesday 19th March 10 am - 4 pm each day Oxford

For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/natp-training-booking

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UPCOMING VIRTUAL TRAINING DATES Through the Keyhole - Natural Consequences Thursday 6th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join guest speakers Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon for a supportive series designed to empower traumainformed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.

Through the Keyhole - Friendships Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join us for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.

Through the Keyhole - Social Media Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join our panel for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.

For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/natp-training-booking

Next Trauma-Informed Life Story Work Training Day Tuesday 11th February 10:00 am - 3:00 pm Dursley, Gloucestershire £120 per person To book email inspire@coect.co.uk

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www.coect.co.uk

UPCOMING WEBINAR DATES JANUARY - MARCH 2025 The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Affection Monday 20th January 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am In this interactive session, we will delve into the A-Z of trauma-informed teaching, highlighting the importance of nurturing relationships and emotional well-being in the classroom. Learn practical strategies to incorporate affection into your teaching approach, and discover how simple gestures of care can significantly impact engagement and resilience.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Aggression Friday 31st January 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, "Understanding Aggression from the A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching." Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Anxiety Monday 3rd February 2025 12 noon - 01: 00 pm Join us for an insightful webinar that dives deep into the complex relationship between anxiety and trauma in educational settings. The webinar includes: The A-Z of trauma-informed teaching principles and how they relate to anxiety.

Practical strategies to create a safe and supportive learning environment that acknowledges and addresses anxiety.

Effective communication techniques that develop resilience and build trust within the classroom.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Arguing Monday 10th February 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am This webinar covers the section on Arguing and how trauma affects this in educational settings.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Attention and Listening Tuesday 25th February 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Join us for an insightful webinar that delves into the role of attention in trauma-informed teaching practices. Designed for educators, administrators, and support staff, this session will explore the section of attention and listening, its relationship to trauma, and practical strategies to create a more engaging and supportive classroom environment.

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UPCOMING WEBINAR DATES JANUARY - MARCH 2025 CONTINUED The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Attention and Attachment Seeking Wednesday 5th March 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Join us for an insightful webinar that delves into the vital role of attachment in trauma-informed teaching! Whether you’re new to trauma-informed teaching or looking to deepen your understanding, this webinar will empower you to engage effectively and create classrooms that nurture connection, trust, and growth.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Banging Monday 10th March 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, Banging from The A-Z of Trauma Informed Teaching. Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Bedtime Issues Friday 14th March 2025 12 noon - 1:00 pm Are bedtime struggles leaving children in your care feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Join us for an engaging and informative webinar that explores the A-Z of trauma-informed teaching strategies to tackle nightly challenges.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Birthdays, Christmas and other Celebrations Friday 21st March 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Join us for an insightful webinar on the section Birthdays, Christmas, and Other Celebrations through the lens of trauma-informed teaching. As educators and carers we understand that celebrations can evoke a range of emotions, especially for individuals who have experienced trauma.

The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Biting Monday 31st March 2025 10:00 am - 11:00 am Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, Biting, from The A-Z of Trauma Informed Teaching. Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings. In this webinar we will be looking at why this may be happening and preventative strategies to help you move forward.

For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.traumarevolution.co.uk/events ISSUE 13

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UPCOMING MEET UP/LISTENING CIRCLE DATES Wednesday 4th February 2025 Men's Virtual Listening Circle Hosted by Dave

Friday 7th February 2025 Surrey Listening Circle Camberley For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/training-events

Tuesday 11th March 2025 Men's Virtual Listening Circle Hosted by Dave

Friday 7th March 2025 Surrey Listening Circle Camberley

ASK THE EXPERTS Let our team of experts with first-hand experience, guide you through some of those tricky TIP moments!

In this issue, we are joined by Emma Edwards who has answered your question.

JS from Newcastle asks...

I have a 4 year old child and I am very new to Therapeutic Parenting having just discovered it. Where do I start with strategies?

Therapeutic Parenting is a deeply nurturing approach that places Sairempathy replies: at its heart. It’s about creating a safe space for our children, where firm yet fair boundaries and routines help them develop new neural pathways in their brains. This process develops trust in adults and reassures children that their lives are consistent and predictable. For example, knowing they will have breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks brings comfort and stability. Using visual timetables can be a wonderful way to support them as they navigate these routines.

When responding to our children, the PACE model can be helpful, which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. This approach helps us connect with our children on a deeper level and can ease challenging

moments. For instance, you might gently say, “Wow, I can see you're feeling a bit wobbly. Did Jake not play with you today? Let’s work through this together.” This shows them that you’re there to support them and understand their feelings.

Allowing our children to learn through natural consequences can be a powerful teaching tool. If they accidentally break their tablet/ipad by smashing it against the wall, it is sad for them, but it also helps them realise the importance of taking care of their belongings. Similarly, when they hit a friend and find themselves without a playmate, they begin to understand the impact of their actions. It’s essential that we resist the urge to step in and replace items or shield

them from the outcomes, as this may hinder their ability to connect actions with consequences. Responding with nurture can help them understand the process of a natural consequence, which happens organically and can be used as a learning tool.

Avoiding shame is important in developing a positive selfimage in our children.

Shaming can reinforce beliefs, making them feel “bad,” “unworthy,” or “unlovable.” Instead, we want to cultivate an environment where they feel accepted regardless of their behaviour.

Do you have a question about a certain behaviour your child displays or a situation which seems tricky?

Write in to us via the email tips@coect.co.uk to get your question answered in the Ask the Experts section.

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Enhance

Your Skills The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT) Wednesday 19th February 10:00 am - 3:00 pm Dursley, Gloucestershire

Professional Training for Career Growth Are you a social worker, therapist, or a skilled therapeutic parent looking to enhance your skills in therapeutic parenting and fostering?

Join Sarah Naish for an insightful and interactive BAIRT Training Day!

£120

What is the BAIRT? To book a place contact us ...

Scan the QR Code to book

https://tinyurl.com/sccb9759

01453 519000

The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT) is a groundbreaking interactive assessment tool designed to identify and address issues that may impact the stability of families and children.

This training will equip you with the knowledge and skills to use BAIRT effectively, ensuring better outcomes for the children and families you support.

Patrescence: Photo: ©pexelverse via canva

Version of me 2.0 loading…

Written By Russ Hartland-Shaw

straightforward, far from it. It took a lot of soul searching, reflection and energy to discover who I was.

I hadn’t realised until recently there is a term for this, patrescence. The term that describes the spiritual, emotional, Throw in a global pandemic and an older son with early childhood trauma and psychological changes that occur in fathers during the and attachment difficulties and it is postpartum period. Except I think safe to say the old me was well and this is far broader than becoming truly gone forever, banished to the a parent via birth. I became a history books and embarrassingly cringe worthy social media posts that father, as did my husband, via adoption and we went from a life tend to haunt you when you least expect it. You see, I miss the old me. I of only having to look after ourselves and the dogs to a life mourn my old life sometimes and I have always believed that is ok. I am, with two children, 10 months and 4 years and all the glorious chaos after all, only human and being a parent is hard sometimes, very hard. that comes with two sets of very different needs and complex Parenting is like this weird club that no developmental stages, almost one tells you the truth about, until you overnight. are in it and at the point of no return.

Of course, it goes without saying that I I have talked to lots of men about wouldn’t change any of it. My new life the effects having children have on them and I think the most and the new me has given me a significant point I notice is the purpose I never thought possible. It has given me perspective on life as I shame that men can feel for know it, taught me to live more in the admitting they feel different once moment and most of all, it has given their children arrive. It is woven me the opportunity to love like I have into the fabric of society that men never loved before, hard, completely must be the protector and provider for their family, they and unconditionally. These two little must not show weakness, they humans that are mine and my husband’s responsibility have rocked must have all the answers and above all else not be a burden to our world. For the better. their other halves who are, That’s not to say that working out who understandably, dealing with their own issues. So for men, it this new version of myself was, goes under the radar at best ISSUE 13

and at worst these feelings are buried and ignored and allowed to fester. It is no surprise that relationships are under the most pressure when children first come along.

Let’s face it, there is no time to shower some days let alone sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation about how you are feeling with your significant other! And so men take a deep breath, say nothing and carry on. Yet, men are also feeling as lost and unsure of themselves as their partners are. The men I have spoken to also cite the two week paternity leave period as cause for further stress. It is not the two week period that is taken to settle into the ‘new normal’ itself, but more the return to work that follows that they find stressful. How many of us, myself included, have been guilty of packing off a man with a wave and a promise to hold the fort while they are away when they get the call that they are about to become a parent, only to pat them on the back two weeks later, enquire after their partner, ask after the baby and joke about the fact sleep is underrated. By 9.30am, the poor guy is up to his eyes in emails and trying desperately to pick up where he left off.

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Photo: Ellie & Nicky in the wodds. ©Growing Me CIC

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am not entirely sure at what point I said goodbye the old me. It was somewhere between changing a nappy, crammed into a public loo cubicle with my little boy, on top of a loo cistern, I might add (the lack of baby changing facilities in the men’s room continues to astound me but that’s a story for another time) and when I left my job and went self employed as a Leadership Coach.

All this when, in reality, he has just left his partner in probably the most vulnerable state they will ever be in, emotionally and physically speaking, and he is sitting at his desk feeling like an imposter in his old life, on no sleep and therefore no perspective. His world has changed forever and he has no idea, in that moment, how to even begin to make sense of it. We need to be more aware of men experiencing patrescence because it is real. Patrescence, like matresence, the female equivalent, threatens to upend a person. In my experience, patrescence is all consuming, debilitating, confusing and not in any way helpful.

My advice to anyone experiencing patrescence? Trust your instincts, confide in someone close to you, know you will work it out and what you are feeling is temporary, allow yourself to grow, embrace the change and above all else, be kind to yourself. To anyone witnessing a man become a father, however this happens, notice him, check in with him, empathise and make him feel safe. Safe enough to confide in you, safe enough to explore who he is now and ultimately allow him time to figure things out for

Patrescence can be identified and broken down as:

You can find out more about the support Russ offers to parents via his website. https://www.breathebusinesscoaching.com

·Changes to ones identity ·Emotional changes ·Changes in relationships For me, all of the above applied, not to mention feelings of inadequacy, and if I am being completely honest, feelings of regret and a massive lack of confidence.

himself. It is often the strongest and most outgoing of people who need to feel seen and heard and just sometimes, not feel like they need to provide, protect and have all the answers.

Russ Hartland-Shaw – Husband, Papa to two boys and Therapeutic Parenting Coach Referencing links Do fathers go through patrescence? - NayaCareDate Accessed 28/11/24

Russ is also an Associate with The Haven Parenting & Wellbeing Centre, part of The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma. (CoECT)

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Find out more by visiting www.coect.co.uk

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Transitions To Becoming A Parent; A Changing Social Network Written By Rebecca Pacy

Photo: ©CoECT via canva

you, with their proximity to the centre indicating their sense of closeness; quite literally naming your inner circle.

I found this a fascinating process, and a question I had not overtly answered before. I had family, friends, in-laws and colleagues; but thinking of who to name and how to label felt….unfamiliar.

My husband and I found ourselves talking about those we anticipated to be good with the children, the most patient, responsive, interested or fun amongst other things. We reflected on the reactions we experienced to the news of our new family, and anticipated the emotional support and practical assistance individuals had excitedly offered. We drew our circles.

And then everything changed, as everything does and we welcomed new little people into our lives. This was wonderful, chaotic and transformational; and our joy at our family forming became our priority.

However we noticed that as our lives changed shape, so did our support circle.

In the transition to parenthood, and despite hours of discussions during our assessments, my husband and I appeared to have underestimated how our anticipated supportive relationships may change… with individuals disappearing altogether in some cases. Understandably there were conversations about this possibility with supportive social workers, and speaking to friends with biological children. They often shared ISSUE 13

Photo: ©COECT via canva.com

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ne of the many activities during the assessment for both fostering, and adoption, is the task of drawing your ‘circle of support’. In my experience this was a template of concentric circles, and the assignment to draw those people who support

children, work and schedules who we anticipated to be ‘too busy’ have always made time for a chat to vent, laugh and share advice (or confirm that no one knows the answer!). This may now take the form of a Three years into our journey we had messaging conversation across have time to reflect this and recognise that the network which has days, rather than leisurely brunches, but is no less evolved with our family, is the right supportive and impactful. We network for us. recognise that at times days can feel long, stressful and lonely; Brothers that we had anticipated to having a space to speak without be the ‘fun uncle’ have stepped judgement is liberating, and beyond our anticipated role of keeps me remembering who I delivering cool Christmas presents was before ‘mum’. (yes karaoke machine with loud The support network has also microphone); but have also been on expanded in unanticipated hand to assist with the school run, shapes; I could not have and even attended school predicted that friendships would performances to ensure the loudest be formed on training events, or cheer. For us, a new depth of at school gates and know that conversation has started; talking previously I would have dismissed about our own experiences of being this as a possibility. However, parented, sharing information about being open and getting involved trauma-informed parenting but has certainly brought predominantly enjoying ‘being’ a family. We are also learning from their opportunities; and the value of very different perspective; the value of speaking with others who share this experience has been fun, playful activities and taking time to make memories full of silliness and invaluable. giggles.

Others have struggled within our network; and one of the most Friends who are busy with their own a sense of surprise at the people who attended baby showers and exciting parties; but whom were notably absent from their new, less exciting, daily routines.

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painful scenarios has been when people have struggled with their own acceptance of children into a dynamic, who are not biologically related. From our conversations with social workers, we understood transition for children who are older, or present with behaviours that challenge may be complex; however, in our experience, these were categorically not the feature.

In heartfelt conversations individuals have shared their own struggle to accept our children as equal to those who are biologically related. Importantly this is no reflection of the child and we have made the decision to give distance to those who cannot offer equal recognition across our household.

This has been tough, and another s a parent, it can be stressor at a time of great change; heartbreaking to see your child but ultimately the love of our struggle with something that children has been the most seems so simple and natural to effective shield to protect us from other children. this loss.

When reflecting across these different experiences, we recognised that our network felt scared, unknowing and afraid of ‘what the right thing’ was. For those who thrived, it was their interest and enthusiasm which nurtured positive relationships; asking questions, getting involved and a willingness to be vulnerable to the children. We know as adopters and foster parents we cannot expect love; we must earn the child’s trust and nurture a genuine loving and consistent home. Our network has

already changed shape, and we expect will do so again; however we know now it is full of people who want to be part of the journey alongside and our family.

My encouragement would be that at a time when you are becoming a parent, that must be your priority; there may be sadness if people may choose to move away, but there will be infinitely more joy as people will surprise you with their love, commitment and energy to support your new family.

Rebecca is a therapeutic foster parent and specialist consultant. She has twenty years of experience in designing innovative therapeutic support models for individuals who have experienced trauma, neurodiversity, and mental health needs.

Launch Announcement: The Essential Guide to Kinship Care We are thrilled to announce the release of "The Essential Guide to Kinship Care: Trauma-Informed, Practical Help for You and Your Family" by Sarah Naish and Enza Smith MBE. This invaluable resource is now available to preorder on Amazon and is out on 21st February!

This guide is designed to support kinship carers through every step of the process, offering practical advice and traumainformed strategies to help both the carers and the children thrive.

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Balancing the Parentload: Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos Written by Gareth Thomas

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everal years ago, I read a newspaper article that has stayed with me ever since.

The article shared a study that revealed parents do the

equivalent of an extra day’s work every week by getting their kids ready each morning. A third of the parents involved in the study got up before 5:30 a.m., attempting to grapple with the morning chaos.

Full disclosure… the “study” wasn’t particularly in-depth. It was part of the marketing strategy for a new healthy breakfast snack bar aimed at (of course) busy parents. Knowing that didn’t matter. It felt true from my own experience. And if the average parent was doing an extra day of work each week, we therapeutic parents might just be working two full-time jobs. At least.

I still like my early mornings. Now, they exist to accommodate our two grocery shopping deliveries each week or as a one-hour window where I’m able to not only put a load of laundry into the washing machine but miraculously still be at home when the machine finishes. I quickly learned that life gets busy when the kids start waking up.

And it’s at this point that I bring a warning from hard-lived experience.

Don’t just set aside time to get more done. Those rare moments when the house is quiet (and they can be early

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Photo: ©CoECT via canva

For as long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed early mornings. In my old life, they typically involved a trip to the gym, catching up with some reading, or a peaceful morning walk. Then, overnight, I became a single parent to three kids. Perhaps unsurprisingly, things changed.

mornings, late evenings, or anything in between, depending on your situation) don’t simply exist for the benefit of your endless to-do list. They exist for you.

As therapeutic parents, we need to be emotionally available to our kids as much as possible. We must constantly re-attune to them, co-regulate with them, and sometimes simply sit with them.

We can’t do that if we don’t begin by looking after ourselves.

Yes, I was still up at 5.30 am for this morning’s shopping delivery. And yes, I put another batch of endless laundry into the machine. But in between those moments, I did whatever I wanted to do. A few pages of a book. A cup of tea (enjoyed while still hot!). A few songs from my favourite playlist.

Or maybe even just the sound of silence. Whatever it was that I needed.

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I Need a Space to Vent Please don’t try to rescue me, I just need space to vent I’ve said some awful things but it’s not quite what I meant I am a tired parent and it’s all just got to too much I can’t stop eating chocolate, it’s my secret little crutch I’ve tried to get resources to help me cope much better But all I’ve ever had is a another useless letter Telling me that we don’t meet the threshold for support But If things do get any worse then they might do what that ought What planet are these people on, I need help right now!

So I make another phone call to some snotty trumped up cow They’ve got a big long waiting list and I am at the bottom But she’s sorry I am struggling and thinks it must be rotten I had a look at Therapists who I must somehow fund Where’s the money coming from, I’ll just wave a magic wand The Therapists were very nice but hadn’t got a clue How to manage trauma with a nine-year-old who’s two!

I contact social services begging them to come So they put me on a course about how to be a Mum! The course was bloody stupid and only covered theory I attended feeling positive but left there feeling weary Finally, I opened up to someone at the school They assured me that they understood, but he can’t break all the rules They’ve given him a star chart and he must get more then four Or else he’ll be excluded and kicked right out the door I sit at home deflated, I cannot take much more Crying in a a great big heap upon the bathroom floor If only I could find a way to get our lives on track Cos I’m now out of resources and just about to crack I wander down to Tesco’s to buy a fat cream cake Then bump into another Mum whose suffered the same fate She seems to be much better with the light back in her eyes She asks me how I’m doing and I just stand there and cry There’s hope and help she tells me, come with her and see We’re at a Meet Up run by the CoECT There’s others there who get it and will help me find a way To get just what I need to face another day.

Written by Sarah Dillon, “Therapeutic Parenting: Rhyme and Reason: The traumaaware approach to parenting” (2024)

CoECT - The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma www.coect.co.uk