TIPS Issue 12

COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

T.I.Ps

Trauma Informed Parents IN THIS ISSUE:

ISSUE No.12 November 2024

Navigating Trauma's Effect on a child and Developing their sense of Felt-Safety

Growing Me

Staying Put

A Trauma-informed Life Story work offering for the careexperienced community

How we support our young people to become independent

Parents view point Parenting a child who is emotionally younger than their chronological age

Photo: ©Coect

Chronological age vs Developmental stage – Is DDP the answer to fill the gap?

In this issue CoECT News

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Editor's Note

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Meet the Team!

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Chronological age vs Developmental stage – Is DDP the answer to fill the gap?

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Navigating Trauma's Effect on a child and Developing their sense of Felt-Safety

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What’s On - Training & Events

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Growing Me - A Trauma-informed Life Story work offering for the care-experienced community

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Staying Put - How we support our young people to become independent

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Ask the Experts

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Parent’s view point: Parenting a child who is emotionally younger than their chronological age.

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www.coect.co.uk

To advertise with us contact: tips@coect.co.uk

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COECT NEWS Fostering News Congratulations to True Fostering, who were nominated for an award at the Children and Young People Awards and won Highly Commended in their category. Our congratulations go to the foster families and staff team there.

First Trauma-Informed Life Story workshop launched We were excited to launch our new Trauma-Informed Life Story Work qualification in September. Our cohort attended their first in-person training day earlier in November at our training centre in Gloucestershire. The day was led by Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon, and our course leader for the qualification, Helen Tavner, along with assessors Joanne Wilson and Emma Edwards who were also present to meet their students in person.

The day was filled with engaging activities and discussions. We look forward to meeting everyone again for the second day of training, which will be held online.

Our next cohort for the qualification starts in January, and the first in-person training day for this cohort will be in February. If you are interested in learning more about how this qualification can support you in working with children and young people to help them navigate their life stories in a trauma-informed way, please get in touch with us at inspire@coect.co.uk.

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Editor’s Note Welcome Everybody, With half-term, Halloween, and Bonfire Night behind us, winter is just around the corner.

Surprisingly, the weather at CoECT headquarters in Gloucestershire has been mild. As Christmas approaches, you may be thinking about how to prepare your child or young person for the seasonal events that this time of year brings. Whether you embrace this season or not, it's important to consider the impact it can have on family members. For some, the Christmas lights and sounds associated with various activities can be quite intense, so keeping things low-key can be beneficial.

Our new discussion series, “Through the Keyhole,” will begin on 6 December and continue monthly throughout the next year. The first session will focus on how to navigate the Christmas season.

In this edition of TIPS, we are focusing on the emotional age and the chronological age of the child, and the differences between the two, which can be apparent in some children. Laura Taylor, a trainer, therapeutic parent coach and social worker, has contributed to this edition and written an article about the Staying Put arrangement in foster care and how we can support young people in developing their independence.

We are joined by Amanda Mauger-Jones, a DDP Informed Therapist, Therapeutic Parent Coach, and Trainer, who explores the differences between a child's chronological age and their developmental stage. She addresses whether Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) is an effective approach to bridging this gap.

Emma Edwards has contributed an article from a parent's perspective on the challenges of parenting a child who is emotionally functioning at a younger age than their chronological age. Additionally, Jessica Spenceley discusses how therapeutic parenting can help address the effects of trauma on children and how parents can foster a sense of felt safety, which is essential for developing trusting relationships with their primary caregivers.

I had the pleasure of meeting Ellie and Nicky from Growing Me CIC, a non-profit organisation that creates life story packs for parents and therapists working with children and young people. We were excited to share their pack at our first in-person training on Trauma-Informed Life Story Work, allowing attendees to explore the pack as a valuable resource in supporting a child's life story journey. Ellie and Nicky have kindly contributed to this edition by writing an article about their “Growing Me” Life Story resource and how their pack supports children and their families.

This is the last edition of 2024, but we will return in January 2025 with our next edition.

In the meantime, we wish you a stress-free lead-up to the Christmas period and a restful holiday break.

Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma ISSUE 12

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Meet the Team!

The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma is made up of a team of experts who have essential real-life experience. We are Adopters, Foster Parents and Bio parents of neuro diverse children, and also work as professionals in the field.

Executive Editor - Sarah Naish

Executive Editor - Sair Penna

Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot

Contributor - Emma Edwards Emma is a Therapeutic Parent, Adopter, Director of NATP and The Haven Parenting and Wellbeing Centre.

Contributor - Jessica Spenceley

Contributor - Amanda MaugerJones Amanda is a therapeutic foster parent who is trained in empathic listening and is a Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) informed Practitioner. She is also a Trauma-Informed Trainer for the Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma.

Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, former Foster Parent, retired Social Worker, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies.

Kathryn works across CoECT, specialising in communications and public relations.

Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.

Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Trainer, Therapeutic Parenting Coach.

Director of NATP, The Haven Parenting and Wellbeing Centre and Inspire Training Group and author, Sair works across CoECT supporting families.

Contributors - Nicky & Ellie

Nicky is an adoptive mum, and Creative Director of Growing Me CIC. With a background in community art and design, Nicky loves finding wonder in the chaos!

Becoming a mum through adoption has been full of messy-ness and beauty… And Growing Me was born out of a desire to nurture that, in a way that celebrates the wonderfully complicated relationships we have with ourselves, each other and the world around us.

Ellie is Therapeutic Director of Growing Me CIC. As an HCPC registered Art Psychotherapist, Ellie has brought creativity and wonder into her work with careexperienced children and their families. Trained in Theraplay, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), Dyadic Art Therapy, and trauma processing therapy EMDR, she delights in weaving colour and flow into evidence based practice.

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Chronological age vs Developmental stage – Is DDP the answer to fill the gap?

Written by Amanda Mauger-Jones

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For me, as a foster parent and special guardian, it would seem that everyone has an opinion of what additional supports are needed for my child to ‘bridge the gap’, but often this is from one single point of view, meaning that the bigger picture is often overlooked. As well as the academic interventions, there are also many different therapies which have been suggested; play therapy, music therapy, equestrian therapy. But who is overlooked by much of this? You. The parent. The consistent safe base. All these ‘new’ adults coming into our children’s lives can be confusing and at times, overwhelming for both us and our children.

There has been increased chatter over DDP within the local authorities in recent years but what does this mean for parents and the children in their care? Is it really a ‘fix-all’ therapy which will solve all the of our parenting problems? Can it bridge the gap between chronological age and developmental stage?

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, DDP, was developed in the late 80’s by Dan Hughes, an American clinical psychologist when he was struggling to understand how he could support parents and children who had been ISSUE 12

Photo: ©Coect via canva.com

f you are reading this, it is safe to presume that you are experiencing what it is like to live or work with a child who has experienced trauma. It is recognised and understood that trauma impacts on all aspects of a child’s functioning but what does this look like to us parents who are caring for these children? What are the challenges we face as we try to understand their individual developmental stage, whilst also supporting them with the issues connected to their chronological age?

understand how he could support parents and children who had been effected by trauma. The underpinning values which he focused on was PACE; Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. Through the use of these values, Dan was able to assist children and their parents, to understand their troubled past whilst also creating a trust based relationship between parent and child, encouraging a positive attachment. Since that time, DDP has become one of the most recommended therapies offered to adoptive, foster and kinship parents.

This all sounds great and a real problem solver but what does that look like for the family? The other side of the coin in this situation is that the parent is in crisis and has asked for help, only to be offered a miracle solution which they don’t understand. Let’s take some time to gain a clearer understanding.

The support is for both parents and child.

This allows the child’s expert, the parent, to share a clear insight into how things are ‘on the front line’.

DDP builds and supports trusting relationships This has to start at home and encourages positive attachments to be built between parent and child, which is challenging when a child has experienced being let down by adults before.

DDP helps understand the communication through behaviour The worker will support the parent by giving them the confidence in understanding what is being communicated through their child’s behaviours and reactions. The worker will also allow the parents to offload without judgement or fear of criticism, allowing them to understand their own triggers and reactions.

DDP promotes good self-care This in turn allows for better parent emotional regulation and positive reflection, making

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the parent more available for an attuned relationship with their child.

This holding of our own emotions is easier said than done which is why the work before the child is introduced is so important. Having that safe space for parents and empowering parents to stick with it is the key.

So how does this all relate to working with the chronological age vs the developmental age?

As the child and parents are focusing on the attachment relationship and strengthening the bond within the family, it will all be done with the developmental age of the child in mind. As I have experienced, a teenager can have a toddler tantrum when they are overwhelmed and unable to positively process the world around them. DDP understands this and the worker will be knowledgeable about the impact of trauma on brain development, allowing for the changes our children can exhibit. By focusing on feelings and connecting these to behaviours, a child will be able to safely regress and then regrow in a positive, safe and attached way, with the parents taking a leading role in showing their ‘stickability’ to their children.

Photo: Amanda Mauger-Jones

The DDP worker will always start by working with the parents and supporting them, whilst gaining a clear view of how their child is, before including the child in the sessions. It is important for the parents to be a place where they can regulate any of their negativity so that it doesn’t further impact on the relationship being built with the child. DDP is all based around building that stronger connection between parent and child, not just working with the child as an individual.

helped me to face each day. I was so inspired that I have spent the past few years continuing to support the children in my care whilst also learning and training so that I now offer this support to others.

Through my work with the Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma and my own business, Edelweiss Therapeutic Consultancy, I offer that empathic listening ear to other parents, working with them to get closer to the light at the end

of the tunnel, so that they are in turn able to make it through the days, or weeks, until I speak with them again.

This is done without judgement, prejudice or discrimination, allowing my parents to fill their cups with empathy and then attune positively with their children.

There is no such thing as a ‘quickfix’, however with the support of DDP informed work, I have experienced the support I needed to find a way forward.

Have you listened to the CoECT podcast series?

Scan the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com /podcast-1 to find out more.

As a parent who has only ever parented children who have experienced trauma, I am so grateful for the DDP informed support I have been given, especially during the really challenging times. The reassurance that I was not on my own and that the behaviour was not due to my creation, ISSUE 12

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Navigating Trauma's Effect on a Child and Developing their Sense of Felt-Safety Written by Jessica Spenceley

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Or that when their 12-year-old is upset, they need the sort of comfort, reassurance, and affection that they would give to a much, much younger child.

Or that their 14-year-old has more in common with 10-year-olds and prefers the company of younger kids. Being around other teens makes their child feel very out of place because there is nothing for them to relate to or talk about.

These sorts of scenarios are really common in children who have experienced trauma. However, they leave parents feeling confused and unsure of what to do.

Parents ask me if they should keep offering up what their child seems to need? But then they worry that their child won’t “grow up”. They’re concerned that their parenting has somehow been causing these sorts of behaviours. And they wonder if they should offer up stronger boundaries or tough love.

It’s hard to know what to do and how to respond because the impact of trauma is confusing.

But how can trauma cause a child to be so on track or even advanced in certain areas of development, yet ISSUE 12

Photo: ©CoECT via Canva.com

doptive parents often reach out to me because their child’s behaviours don’t make sense to them. It’s not uncommon for a parent to tell me that their 11year-old is an academically advanced math whizz. Yet at night, he wants to be snuggled up, held like a baby, and fed with a bottle.

so far behind in others?

Think of it like this. . . When a child (or adult) experiences trauma, the thinking part of their brain goes on pause and goes offline.

The parts of the brain that control things like automatic responses, emotions, and sensory processing are very much online and are working in overdrive to help the child stay alive.

When the traumatic event is over, the thinking part of the brain starts back up again, kind of like nothing happened. That’s why your child can be an academically advanced math whizz. Math involves the logical, thinking part of the brain that was on pause when the trauma occurred.

But the other parts of the brain are the ones that experienced the trauma and are impacted by it.

Those impacts can cause your child’s development to fall behind or go off track. That’s why your child may be emotionally younger than their actual age.

That’s why your child may have sensory processing challenges.

That’s why your child may go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye

for seemingly no reason. It’s the impact of trauma.

Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) helps you to better understand how the legacy of your child’s past is showing up today. And, TBRI provides you with the skills and strategies you need to help your child along their healing journey.

Felt-safety is one of the primary concepts in TBRI that I always encourage families to come back to because it is so powerful. Feltsafety is what it sounds like feeling safe. It’s not enough for you, as the parent, to know your child is safe; they need to feel it.

Meeting your child where they are emotionally is a significant way to help your child to increase their sense of felt-safety. So, if your 10year-old is emotionally more like a 5-year-old, give your child the sort of nurturing, connection, and care you would to a 5-year-old.

You don’t have to worry that your child will stay at a younger age because they won’t. By “going back” to your child’s younger emotional age, you are helping T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

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your child to feel safe. And that is what will help your child to move forward on their developmental trajectory.

Felt-safety helps to heal trauma As your child’s sense of felt safety increases, you’ll see their traumabased symptoms and behaviours decrease. And over time, that gap between your child’s emotional age and actual age will lessen.

Photo: ©CoECT via Canva.com

So, when you’re thinking of how to support your child to move forward, think felt-safety.

The power of TBRI is in its simplicity and in the hope of healing for all children.

If you’re curious about TBRI or are ready to implement it in your own family, learn about the TBRI® Caregiver Training at https://nurturedbelonging.com/.

Jessica is the founder of Nurtured Belonging where she helps adopters

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create a strong parenting base for their children so they can heal from early adversity and trauma.

Jessica is also an Associate with

www.thehavencentre.co.uk

The Haven Parenting & Wellbeing Centre https://www.thehavencentre.co.uk.

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UPCOMING TRAINING DATES JANUARY 2025 First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting Cambridge Thursday 9th January, 10 am - 1 pm

Exploring the Foundations of Attachment Manchester Tuesday 14th January, 10 am - 1 pm

Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Plymouth Tuesday 21st & Wednesday 22nd January 10 am - 4 pm each day

Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue Portsmouth Tuesday 28th January, 10 am - 1 pm

FEBRUARY 2025 Exploring the Foundations of Attachment Bristol Wednesday 5th February, 10 am - 1 pm

Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Nottingham Tuesday 11th & Wednesday 12th February 10 am - 4 pm each day

Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue Merseyside Tuesday 11th February, 10 am - 1 pm

First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting Sussex Wednesday 26th February, 10 am - 1 pm

For more information click on the QR code or go to www.naotp.com/training

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UPCOMING MEET UP/LISTENING CIRCLE DATES Tuesday 3rd December 2024 Virtual Listening Circle for Supporting Professionals

Tuesday 10th December SGO/Kinship Carer Virtual Listening Circle Zoom

Tuesday 3rd December 2024 Virtual Listening Circle for Men

Thursday 12th December 2024 International Members Virtual Listening Circle Zoom

Wednesday 4th December 2024 Virtual Listening Circle Hosted by Suzanne Zoom

Friday 13th December 2024 Surrey Listening Circle Camberley

Saturday 7th December 2024 Berkshire Family Circle

Monday 10th January 2025 Surrey Listening Circle Camberley

Monday 9th December 2024 In-person Listening Circle Norwich - Clippesby Hall

Corporate Information Session Tue, 26 Nov | zoom

Corporate Information Session Tue, 03 Dec| zoom

For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/training-events ISSUE 12

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Growing Me A Trauma-informed Life Story work offering for the care-experienced community Written By Ellie & Nicky

In this article Nicky and Ellie share their vision for accessible life story work, and their mutual love of nature metaphors!

So, where did Growing Me come from?

Nicky: Like many adoptive parents, I knew that my child would need a lot of help to build trust in adults, and a sense of safety in the world. Through trial, error, therapy, and a whole lot of love, we started to better attune to our child, and see the benefits of play and creativity. But the systems around our child were struggling, and our social workers kept changing.

Arriving over a year late, my child’s life story book was printed on scratty paper, from a printer that was ISSUE 12

Photo: Ellie & Nicky in the wodds. ©Growing Me CIC

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t was a passion for helping care-experienced children that brought Nicky and Ellie together. From their personal and professional expertise, grew Growing Me, a bright and colourful offering for the careexperienced community. Growing Me is a physical box, and a digital portal, through which a child and their trusted grown up are guided. It is a 10-step journey filled with games, animations, fun ideas, and creative activities. No matter a child’s chronological age, Growing Me engages the child within. Sometimes it is the cool, sassy, older children who benefit most from the nurture they missed out on.

running out of ink. Even before delving into the content, I could see that it was the opposite of the careful and sensitive document that could help our child build a positive sense of self, and understanding of their past.

Surely, I thought, there must be a way to make life story work more accessible, safer and more consistent, to help children feel understood, to feel loved, and to feel good about themselves. The seeds of an idea started to form.

Other adopters I spoke to had similar issues; content reading like a horror story, incorrect names, overworked social workers not given the time or resources to do what was needed.

Very few families had usable life story books, and yet filling out forms to get further support forces parents to focus on negative behaviours, which doesn’t feel useful or healthy.

The metaphor of a tree had helped our family.

There can be massive waiting lists for suitable therapists, and sometimes no matter how skilled the professional, exploring feelings with someone new, is too big an ask for children who struggle with trust.

Born into a storm, a little seedling had to be moved in order to find safer ground. The growing tree needed to move several times before a forever home was found; a place where the sapling had everything it needed to grow. I used the tree’s rings to tell my child’s story so that they could explore the events from a distance, hear how brave the little sapling had to be, hear how the gardener loved the little sapling for all that it had been through, all that it was, and all that T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

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it would grow into, and for every one of its many varied leaves. The tree gives us a wonderful image - early parts of life are always within us, but rather than define us, they become part of our story with new rings growing with every passing year.

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

In our family, we still use a tree to help us record good memories, bad jokes, and silly facts. We stick ‘wonder leaves’ into our Wonder Book. We record the annoying bits too, and sometimes take great pleasure in scrunching and ripping them to shreds! These leaves celebrate every single part of our child because there’s value in the messy, difficult feelings too - it’s all part of their unique wonder.

Tell us more about how Growing Me works?

Nicky: Ellie’s soothing voice guides a child and their trusted grown up every step of the way. There’s 6 parts to each of the 10 sessions, starting with a chance for the adult to grab a cup of tea, prepare for the upcoming session, and take a few minutes for themselves, whilst they listen (or read) the Grown Up Bit!

Ellie: When Nicky got in touch with an idea for making therapeutic life story work accessible, I knew I wanted to help. Too often in my practice as a child’s therapist, my client’s Life Story Books needed a total rethink. It sometimes seems that Information Giving is given precedence while the true therapeutic needs of a child get sidelined. Sadly, I know more than one therapist employed to help a child process the traumatic delivery of a Life Story Work intervention; well meaning professionals getting it so very wrong.

I was delighted to meet Nicky, whose creativity and positivity is a joy - and it isn’t every day I meet someone whose love of nature metaphors matches my own! I loved how Nicky wanted to use a tree analogy to help care-experienced children understand their story, and explore how technology and animation could engage reluctant readers. I also knew that the Information Sharing part of Life Story Work is not the most important part of the process and that every child’s needs are different. We need to think about what is good for each child to hear, what they want to know, and whether they have the support, stability, and capacity to process what they hear. In addition, for children to feel safe enough to explore their experiences they need grownups around them who feel empowered enough to be there. Therapists are sometimes right for some families.

They do a great job and I wouldn’t do this job if I didn't believe in it, but often the biggest agents of change in a child's life are the grown-ups who already care for them.

It’s taken years of research, design, fundraising, pilot studies, to bring Growing Me to fruition, and we’re incredibly proud to share it with the world.

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Following on from this, is the Play Den, a series of short activities to up-regulate, down-regulate and build positive pathways in the brain, whilst having a whole lot of fun with a trusted grown up along the way! Our Growing Me toolkits encourage people to get to know their sensory systems, and explore the tastes and textures and movements that feel good and calming!

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

The child always starts, with their adult, at the Me Tree; a beautifully illustrated whiteboard with dials, encouraging children (and grown-ups) to connect with the feelings in our bodies - Heart beating super fast?

Hungry? Fed-up and floppy? Developmental trauma can skew our sensory integration, so this is a playful way to build those skills of recognising our feelings.

The Think Theatre comes next. Inspired by animals and nature, there’s a short, funny animation, exploring each of the 10 themes - from taking ownership, being part of a team, what parents do, threat and safety, sense of belonging.

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There’s a creative activity to match each animation at the Make Station; a contract to make clear what you want to know (and not know) about your past, a superhero cape to celebrate your unique resources, a body map to explore where different feelings are in the body, a calm bag to fill with the who, what, where and when of feeling good, and more.

And each session ends at the Wonder Book - Ellie guides you through a celebration stomp (using bilateral stimulation to install good feelings) and there is of course a wonder book, wonder leaves and rip-me leaves which encourage you to celebrate every part of your child.

It’s quite a big commitment - what support is there for the adult?

Ellie: The Grown-up bit is packed with self-care, therapeutic tips and preparation for the session ahead, and the narrated guide talks adult and child through each session too. One therapist told us "Really love that you normalise how important and difficult this work can be but you make it feel manageable and safe” The Trusted Grown Up who delivers Growing Me may be a parent, a teaching assistant, a support worker, a therapist, or anyone else that has a trusting relationship with a child: The support that person needs will vary massively, though we encourage every grown up to nominate a supporter. For some people, this will be a professional in the room. For others, it will be a friend or colleague to talk things through with. In schools, it works well in small supportive groups of adult and child dyads.

Nicky: For a while, I’d been really wary of saying ‘Growing Me is Therapeutic Life Story work’. As a parent (even one that has co-designed Growing Me!), if I was asked to ‘do Therapeutic Life Story Work’ with my child, I’d feel out of depth: it feels like a big complicatedsounding term – a therapeutic intervention that needs a fully trained professional.

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

Therapeutic Life Story Work might sound big and scary, but it shouldn’t be. It should be about playfully connecting with children, so they feel safe enough to explore their feelings. And sometimes, the best people to do that are those who know the child best.

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And the benefits?

Bringing therapy into the everyday: Although there are 10 sessions of Growing Me, many of the resources can be used in everyday life. Children have told us how fun this is - they didn’t have to go to a therapist to be ‘fixed’, they could explore this stuff with someone they knew and trusted, in a place they felt safe. The Me Tree, Play Den and Wonder Books all work as stand-alone resources, normalising conversations about feelings, boundaries, sensory integration - such important subjects that often get overlooked in the busy-ness of life.

Communicating how loved and loveable our children are: This is so important for those who struggle every day with feelings of low self worth. We have poured our hearts into the creation of Growing Me, from the carefully crafted design, trauma-informed content and high quality, sustainable materials (all printing on 100% recycled paper/card). Local craftspeople have given up their time, because they really care, and want to make a positive difference.

Empowering adults to support their children: By empowering the adults already in a child’s life, we remove stigma, reduce waiting lists and make therapeutic life story work accessible to all those children who would benefit. Each session starts with a narrated guide for the adult, packed with self-care activities, therapeutic tips, and preparation for the session ahead.

A therapeutically tight framework: Co-designer, Ellie is trained in Theraplay, DDP, EMDR and Art Psychotherapy.

All these modalities are woven into Growing Me - no reinventing the wheel, just making current best practice available and accessible! Social workers, teachers and support workers tell us how much this is needed in schools and community centres as well as homes.

Offering hope: The statistics for care-experienced children show reduced outcomes across the board.

This is not a failure of young people, but a failure of society to provide the support that is needed. By intervening early, we know that we can improve relationships in families, reduce disruption in schools and decrease the likelihood of anti-social behaviour, time in prison or mental health problems.

Let the children lead the way: For many children, talking directly about their feelings and experiences is too much. Whilst there is value in understanding our past, it is imperative to the child’s sense of safety and their trust in their grown up, that the child is in control of when, and what is explored. In the first session, children and their grown ups fill in a contract, thinking about what will help them feel good in Growing Me time; what snacks will help, what do they want to know and not know about the past. This is the place for questions, not answers. Session 8 is where there is an opportunity to explore the past, in whatever way feels best for the individuals involved. Some children only want to go T.I.P'S MAGAZINE

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back a few weeks or years, others want to focus on cartoon characters they’ve liked through time.

Others will have specific questions about people they’ve lost. Growing Me guides the grown up through the different ways a child’s story can be told.

We use a lot of nature metaphors in Growing Me, because there are so many lessons in the natural world, and because depersonalising concepts can help us explore them without feeling threatened.

Celebrating strength, whilst caring for vulnerabilities: When someone needed to be strong as a survival mechanism, then anything that suggests their vulnerability can feel unbearable.

And yet, we know that if a child has missed out on those early nurturing experiences, they can emotionally be very young: Relationships are pretty hard if you’ve never been able to rely on someone.

And as social creatures, humans are at quite the disadvantage if they can’t trust others. Growing Me is bright and child-like, though the content has been lapped up by teenagers who absolutely needed the opportunity to be nurtured.

So what age is Growing Me aimed at?

Though it’s easy to count the number of years we have been alive, our emotional and experiential growth rarely follows a straight and linear path!

Cognitively, we wouldn’t recommend Growing Me to under 7’s, but the upper age limit is more fuzzy.

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

Chronologically, someone who benefits from Growing Me may be 7 years old, or 24 years and anywhere in between.

What does a bright future look like for Growing Me? Ultimately, we hope that our toolkits will allow every child who has experienced trauma to access truly therapeutic life story work. Growing Me is young; we only launched in June 2024, after years of design and development and so our next step is to spread the word about what we do.

Please check out our website www.growingme.co.uk.

You can also like and share and follow us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn Our motto in Growing Me is ‘Let the sunshine in!’. Human brains are wired to focus on what’s going wrong, but that doesn’t always help us. Often we have what we need inside of us, and when we’re empowered with this knowledge, we can find the good in ourselves, each other and the world around us. And we can do incredible things!

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

Some children have had experiences way beyond their years. Like a windswept tree whose lopsided, gnarly branches and thick roots tell a story of extreme strength, for some of our children, every ounce of energy has been thrown into survival.

There can be sadness and there can be loss, and simultaneously there can be an incredible hulk-like strength and beautiful spirit that has been shaped, and will continue to be shaped by their story.

Photo: ©Growing Me CIC

Growing Me works with children who have experienced developmental trauma - and so we’re communicating with those who have young emotional parts that need care and attention.

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Programme Benefits This qualification helps the learner to develop the necessary skills to create a safe and supportive environment for the children, young people, and their families.

This will enable them to successfully implement a strategy that prioritises the child's wellbeing and helps them create a positive narrative about their life story.

Accreditation and Certification information Our course has been accredited by NCFE CACHE, an awarding organisation recognised by the qualification regulators for England and Wales. NCFE CACHE’s regulators are the Office of Qualifications and Examinations Regulation (Ofqual) in England and the Welsh Government in Wales.

Accreditation and Eligibility to join ACCPH The Qualification is also accredited by The Independent Professional Body and Register for Counsellors, Coaches, Psychotherapists and Hypnotherapists (ACCPH) This means that on successful completion of the qualification, you will be eligible to join their accredited association.

Next Cohort Starts January 2025 Scan QR code or click below for more information.

Contact inspire@coect.co.uk for more details

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Staying Put How we support our young people to become independent Written By Laura Taylor

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s therapeutic parents, you will be all too familiar with the concept of emotional age vs chronological age. It offers an understanding of why so

Managing the expectations of what your child can do both physically, emotionally and psychologically is a game changer when it comes to rewiring the brain and forming secure attachments. Have you ever been in a job role where you were expected to complete a task above your grade?

Without the foundation knowledge and skill base? With the pressure of the team expecting you to perform well? That feeling is overwhelming, scary and feels impossible. You don’t feel worthy of the expectation; you might even feel physically sick! When we expect a child with developmental trauma to cope with social situations and associated emotions, we are setting them up to fail in the same way; it can take years of consistent and resilient parenting to see progress. And this shouldn’t have to stop just because they reach the magic age of 18 years old.

Dr Gabor Mate reminds us that “trauma is not what happens to us, it is what happens inside of us, as a result of what happened to us. It is not always caused by the bad things happening that shouldn’t happen, it can be experienced when the good ISSUE 12

Photo: ©COECT via canva.com

many challenging behaviours occur and how we use PACE to manage them. It gives us a lens in which to view the world through a child who is developmentally “stuck” and where to focus routines, boundaries and expectations. Without this knowledge many therapeutic parents would be experiencing even higher levels of stress and be at risk of entering compassion fatigue. stuff that should happen, doesn’t happen.” The final part of this quote links to how therapeutic parents can replace lost nurture when children are “stuck” at an age when life felt scary and unpredictable. The transition from childhood to adulthood is also venturing into the unknown and should be respected for needing just as much support as any other lived experience.

Parenting that replaces lost nurture is so important in the younger years, but what about when children become teenagers and are then approaching adulthood?

We see reports and forms that start to mention “life skills” like meal planning, washing clothes and budgeting. Sadly, there are not enough trauma informed social workers and professionals in the team around the child that are aware of the stark differences between emotional and chronological age and so their own policy-led expectations start to challenge parents in their approaches to care.

Care plans for children highlight a long list of parenting tasks for parents to achieve yet pathway plans shift the responsibility to the child/young person to manage.

And when they struggle or even fail, the parent appears to be the one to blame. Staying Put arrangements often allow young people to remain with their parents to support their ongoing development but expectations are set on being 18 or 19, not 15 or 16.

I recall struggling with this concept when I was in practice, before learning more about this area of trauma and wish I had been able to see where the gaps were and support them to be filled. Staying Put plans need to include emotional topics such as anxiety over interviews, endings of relationships and the highs of a first promotion, balanced with the ability not to burn toast! These plans still need to involve the psychological support that parents can and want to offer their children to continue their attachment journey beyond 18.

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For social workers and other supporting professionals reading this article, please educate yourself in this area of your work to really allow the young people and their parents the time they need to keep making progress at their own emotional pace.

Laura is a Therapeutic Parent Coach, Social Worker and also a Trainer for The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma (CoECT) To find more information on training CoECT offers, and which Laura delivers go to www.naotp.com/training

Discover Havening: A Path to Stress Relief In today's fast-paced world, stress has become an ever-present challenge, impacting our physical and mental well-being. That's where Havening Techniques® come into play. This innovative approach to stress relief combines gentle touch with distraction methods to promote relaxation and emotional healing. Havening uses the body’s natural ability to heal from trauma and stress by applying gentle touch to the arms, face and hands called the Havening Touch®.

The practice aims to reduce stress levels, diminish anxiety, and alleviate symptoms of depression, allowing individuals to feel lighter and more at peace. By decreasing the levels of stress hormones, Havening sessions can help a person recover from difficult experiences and help forge pathways to resilience.

One of the most compelling aspects of Havening is its focus on removing negative emotions tied to traumatic memories. This transformative process assists individuals in adapting better to stressful situations, empowering them to lead healthier and happier lives.

Photo: © by KrakenImages.com via canva.com

If you’re looking for a way to manage stress effectively, consider exploring Havening techniques. By booking a session with a trained practitioner, you can take the first step towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

To learn more or to schedule a session, contact us at haven@coect.co.uk.

Have you subscribed to TIPs yet?

Find out more by visiting www.coect.co.uk

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We’re looking for short break foster parents Ideally in these key areas: **East Midlands ** **East Anglia ** **The South West ** Fantastic opportunity for those that would love to foster, but not all the time.

Why not do something amazing with your weekends, support our existing incredible team of foster parents, and provide children with incredible memories?

Full therapeutic support provided, alongside our ground-breaking, quality training. www.truefostering.com ISSUE 12

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ASK THE EXPERTS Let our team of experts with first-hand experience, guide you through some of those tricky TIP moments!

This issue we are joined by Sair Penna who has answered your question.

RB from Cornwall asks...

My 6-year-old daughter comes home from school feeling angry, often throwing things and screaming at me. This behaviour has been happening for a couple of weeks now, and I sometimes find myself dreading the hours after school. I catch myself wishing for that time to pass quickly and looking forward to her bedtime. What can I do to help her?

Sair replies: This can be a challenging time for both parents and children.

Some children may feel overwhelmed during the school day and become good at masking their feelings while they are at school. They may bottle up their emotions, and as soon as the school day ends, they begin to relax. At that point, the mask slips, and all of those suppressed feelings come bubbling to the surface. When they see their home and you as their safe space to process those feelings, it indicates that they feel secure enough to express their emotions.

Depending on the events of the day, you might notice this release soon after they pass through the school gates, or it may happen later.

When she comes home, aim to create a calm and welcoming environment. This could involve having a snack ready, playing soothing music, or allowing her some quiet time to decompress.

Establishing a consistent after-school routine can also provide a sense of security and predictability. This routine might include a snack, some quiet time, and then playtime.

Additionally, help her learn to express her feelings in a healthy way. This can include teaching her to use words to describe her emotions like feeling “wobbly” or “fizzy” when she is feeling like she is becoming emotionally dysregulated.

Practicing breathing exercises, playing with water, swinging, jumping can also help to regulate her alternatively setting up a calming space with her favourite toys or books can also help. This can take a bit of trial and error as to what regulates her.

It might also be helpful for you to try to identify if there are specific triggers at school or during the transition home that might be causing your child distress. Talking to her teacher to find out if anything unusual is occurring at school can also help reduce the emotional overwhelm for her.

Do you have a question about a certain behaviour your child displays or a situation which seems tricky?

Write in to us via the email tips@coect.co.uk to get your question answered in the Ask the Experts section.

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Parent’s view point: Parenting a child who is emotionally younger than their chronological age Written By Emma Edwards

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s a parent, it can be heartbreaking to see your child struggle with something that seems so simple and natural to other children.

My 13-year-old son who has experienced trauma is a prime example of this as he is emotionally much younger than his chronological age. I often find myself caught between two worlds. On one hand, my son is physically growing and maturing like any other teenager his age. On the other hand, emotionally, he is still a young child, stuck in a time when he was just 3 or 4 years old.

It's a difficult and heartbreaking reality to face. My son, who should be playing computer games and hanging out with friends, still listens to lullabies at bedtime, cuddles his teddy, and plays with toys meant for a much younger child. He desperately wants to be like his peers, but his trauma has held him back.

It's a constant struggle for him to fit in and keep up with the expectations of his age group. He wants to have a mobile phone like his friends, but he struggles to use it safely, even with parental controls and he becomes overwhelmed by the constant notifications and messages. He wants to play the latest computer games, but he gets easily frustrated and has a hard time following the instructions, struggles when he loses the game or ISSUE 12

if others don’t play the way he wants them to. Whilst they all want to hang out at the park, ride bikes, go to parties, and play on game consoles, my son still wants to engage in chasing games like tag, play with his army figures or build a tower with his Lego bricks.

I can see the disappointment and sadness in his eyes when he realises that his friends don’t want to do what he does and call him a baby.

We have tried taking him to the same places as his peers but he often has meltdowns and becomes overwhelmed by the crowds and noise. It's hard for him to process everything going on around him, which isolates him further.

As a parent, it's difficult to watch him struggle and feel left out. I often find myself trying to explain to others why he still acts like a young child.

It's not something that can be easily understood or explained. People often judge him and think he's just being difficult or immature, but they don't understand the underlying trauma that he's dealing with. We have to constantly remind ourselves that his emotional age is not the same as his physical age and have to adjust our expectations. We have learned to be patient and understanding when he has meltdowns. We know that he is not misbehaving or being difficult on purpose, he is just struggling to cope

with his surroundings. It's important for us to provide him with a safe and calm environment to calm down and then help him process his feelings afterwards.

It's also challenging to balance his emotional needs with his physical growth.

On the one hand, I want to protect him and nurture him like a young child, but on the other hand, I know that he needs to learn how to navigate the world as a teenager.

It's a delicate balance that I'm still trying to figure out. Especially when he can flit from one emotional age to another at the flick of a switch. You may be nurturing the 3-year-old when the teen kicks in and he gets frustrated that I am babying him or vice versa. The best strategy we have found for this is asking him ‘What age are you feeling at the moment?’ and he will say an age, so we can then be guided by this.

However, we understand that at times he is unable to tell us as he just doesn’t know.

But despite all of these challenges, my son is resilient and determined.

He may be emotionally younger than his peers, but he has a strong spirit and a kind heart. He has a unique perspective on the world, and he often sees things in a way that others don't.

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He may not be able to do everything that his peers can do, but he has his own strengths and talents that I am constantly amazed by. We have learned to celebrate the small victories. When he successfully plays a video game for a few minutes without getting frustrated, it's a huge accomplishment. When he can have a conversation with his friends without getting overwhelmed, it's a huge step forward.

As a parent, it's my job to support and advocate for my son. He is who he is, and he is perfect just the way he is. I hope that with love, patience, and understanding, he will continue to grow and thrive in his own unique way.

To other parents experiencing similar, I want to say this: be patient and understanding. Your child may struggle to fit in and keep up with their peers, but they are still growing and learning in their own way.

Love them for who they are, and never give up on them. They are capable of amazing things, and with your support, they will overcome challenges that come their way.

In the next Issue Burn out and the parental load Becoming a parent - one of the biggest transitions in life Ask the Experts Issue 13 available January 2025

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Worn Out When you’re all worn out And you can’t think straight, When you’ve done your best, But it seems too late…

Breathe.

If your head is heavy, And your heart feels sore, When you’ve done enough, But they still want more….

Stop.

When the future looks bleak, And your hope is gone, If the fear you carry Means you can’t go on….

Rest.

When you’re tired of trying Bowed from your load, Take courage my friend.

For we walk the same road.

Written By Sarah Naish (2024)