March 27, 2019

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March 27, 2019

a S e Th

NEW SAFETY POLICY:

ARMING STUDENTS WITH KNOWLEDGE NEWS

FEATURES

SPORTS

New Life Forms Boost Dwindling Enrollment Numbers

It Tastes Like Snozzberries!

Students Cheat the System by Studying

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p11

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COLLEGE OF DUPAGE WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST Made possible by Brandon’s totally reliable weather app WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY

hot°F oof°F

120%

YUCK

LESS COLD°F COLD°F

71°F 54°F

ALSO SUCKS TODAY JUST STAY IT’S RAINING SIDEWAYS! INDOORS 234456871.9%

0%

PRETTY NICE ACTUALLY

SUNDAY - TUESDAY RECAP I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.

LEVEL UP PODCAST WITH KENNETH MCKINNEY

Transforming Lives.

Strengthening Community.

Need help paying your tuition?

$2000 Scholarships

for College of DuPage Students

Requirements:

2.75 GPA ● Enrolled in 6 credit hours ● Completed 12 credit hours

To Apply:

Download guidelines and application from www.alcw.org

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Questions? Email: scholarship@alcw.org Assistance League ● 120 E. Ogden Ave, Suite 100, Hinsdale IL 60521 ● 630-321-2529

INDEX INDEX

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NEWS······················ 04

COD to Increase Enrollment Through Lowered Expectations

FEATURES··············· 08

Parking 101: COD Students Excel

SPORTS··················· 12

Lonely at Intramurals: Seeking Participants

HOROSCOPES········ 15

Let us Tell You Who You Are

COFFEE BREAK······ 18

Crossword, Sudoku Puzzles, and more

COD Courier Student Newspaper

@codcourier

@codcourier

ON THE COVER RESPONSIBLE FORSRCTHIS MESS: 1220 • 630-942-2689

Armed to the Teeth

Jessica Tapia

ALWAYS COLD································· Tessa Morton RESIDENT BIRD EXPERT···················· Joey Weslo

ARTSY TRYHARD······························ Karla Villegas Pineda CRAZY CAT LADY······························ Alison Pfaff BIG NERD········································ Kimberly Wilson SCHOLAR AND GENTLEMAN············· Miguel Contreras III RIPPED JEAN SPECIALIST················· Madison Venckus BEST HAIR IN THE OFFICE················· DeAnte Washington MOST HAIR IN THE OFFICE················ Brandon Beckwith FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPAGHET ·Jessica Tapia HELLO FROM THE OTTER SIDE··········· Lindsay Piotter NICE LADY······································· Brooke Shapiro APPARENTLY STILL WORKS HERE......·Reanna Comiso DAD JOKE SPECIALIST - Jim Fuller fullerj103@cod.edu

WHO DAT? The Courier is published every Wednesday during the fall and spring semesters, except for the first and last Wednesday of each semester and the week of spring break as a public forum with content chosen by student editors. One copy free, additional copies available upon request.

The Courier does not knowingly accept advertisement that discriminate on the basis of sex, creed, religion, color, handicapped status, veteran or sexual orientation, nor does it knowingly print ads that violate any local, state or federal laws.

Deliver all correspondence to SSC 1220 between regular office hours or mail to the Courier, College of DuPage, 425 Fawell Blvd., Glen Ellyn, IL. 60137.

NEWS

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PROJECTED ENROLLMENT NUMBERS 30000

STUDENTS

25000 2015

2016

2017

2018

2019-

COD LOOKS TO INCREASE ENROLLMENT THROUGH LOWERED EXPECTATIONS Tessa Morton, Silly accent editor@cod.edu

College of DuPage (COD), like many other institutions of higher education, is struggling with low enrollment figures. As the economy improves, more students are moving out of state for their education.

Consequently, COD is planning a plan to strategize an initiative to create a PowerPoint about a new way to boost enrolment numbers.

“I’m really excited about the possibilities,” said College of DuPage Provost, Mark Curtis-Chavez.

“We have considered options like expanding our programs or building our alumni network. However, at the end of the day, students just want school to be easier.”

After conducting on-campus polling, the administration made some eye-opening discoveries.

“Students really dislike having to complete paperwork and take tests. Based on our extensive polling, we found that students hated placement tests the most,” said Sally Dratstern, administrative assistant at COD registration services. “ Students were also exhausted by the enrollment process overall and particularly despised having to describe themselves in 500 words.”

One student who barely made it through the strenuous enrollment process spoke out about her struggle.

“Honestly, I just hate having to say what my goals are. I want to graduate and get a job, just like everyone else,” said Jessica Holdensmith. “Why do I need to make myself sound interesting and dif-

ferent when I’m not?”

Meeting prerequisite requirements has also created barriers for student entry into classes.

“I need to take MATH 0452,” said Sam Tragher. “Why do I have to take MATH 0451 first? Does that make any sense? Why can’t I just skip it and get this whole thing over faster?”

Although Curtis-Chavez has been a member of the COD community for less than a year, he has been working tirelessly to combat the issue of a dwindling student body. Numbers for the spring semester were disappointing, and the administration has been discussing a new strategy for the fall.

“I seriously considered hiding out in the bushes outside local high

schools,” said Chavez. “We really need to target new students at the source. When someone suggested lowering enrollment requirements I got excited. We have been working on a proposal for the board, but I think this is going to be a winning approach.”

Currently, this proposal is in the beginning stages. So far the administration has floated dropping class prerequisites, lowering high school GPA requirements, and has tentatively considered enrollment for those who do not intend to ever actually attend classes.

“It’s all about the numbers,” Chavez said. “I look forward to growing the College of DuPage community at any cost.”

NEWS

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COD BRINGS NEW LIFE... FORMS TO ITS CAMPUS Alison “Pfaffinator” Pfaff, Memelord pfaffa72@dupage.edu With the decline of human students being enrolled at College of DuPage, the college is making efforts to fill in that gap. Extraterrestrial life forms were accepted as students to the college in the beginning of the spring 2019 semester.

Bob Smith, a student at COD, thinks this idea is a good opportunity.

“It is good to see other experiences brought to the school,” Smith said. “I hope they can see what Earth has to offer, and take that knowledge back to their home planets.”

While human enrollment is down, parking at COD has still been a challenge. This is because of the new addition of E.T. life forms looking to COD for a proper college education.

An anonymous E.T. has come to COD from her home planet in order to build a future on earth as well at home.

“I came to COD to earn an Associate of Arts, in order to transfer to a 4-year school on my home planet, Mars,” she said. “I wanted to gain new experiences on earth.

And I have definitely done that! I don’t know how I will live without those Frappuchino things at Starbucks when I have to return, or pizza. I’m amazed at the possibilities that pizza has!”

Anonymous E.T noted some of her favorite places around COD. “The library.. Is that what you call it? It’s great. I didn’t know that there was a way to check out books to read for free! Also, the MAC always has cool artwork to look at. I will say though, I don’t

understand ‘modern art’ as you humans call it.”

COD has embraced the new addition of students to their campus.

John Wilson, who works in the admissions office has encouraged new students from all planets. He believes that there are benefits on both planets.

“We want to accept as many E.T.s as we can, in order to expose them to the our planet as well as education system. I think it is great,” Wilson said. “This is a good opportunity for those from other planets to learn about us and for us to better understand them.”

Tuition for out-of-planet students is steep- at $50,000 per credit hour. Depending on the planet’s currency, the price differs.

Some students are skeptical of

the idea. Alexis Smitt questions why someone from another planet would want to go to COD. “I really don’t understand the appeal. Earth itself is falling apart.

It’s all over the news. Why would anyone want to come here… more specifically… COD? Glen Ellyn is nice and everything, but personally I find it boring,” Smitt said.

“If you’re going to go anywhere on earth…Why would someone come to the midwest of the United States?

Anonymous E.T. is excited for the future at COD. “I can’t wait to take more classes and make more earthling friends,” she said.

COD is conducting research on enrollment, and will provide a full report at the beginning of the fall 2019 semester.

That moment when aliens park better than us

Jessica Tiapa

NEWS

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FORMER COD PRESIDENT ANN RONDEAU TOUTS GUIDED PATHWAYS SUCCESS Jack Pilante, not Picante. Why does everyone say that? spicypicante@fakemail.net

Soaking up the sunshine in coastal California, Ann Rondeau touted her past tenure as president of the College of DuPage as proof the school’s Guided Pathways program is an overwhelming success.

“Pathways was implemented to help students and faculty identify their goals, establish a guided pathway to achieve that success and escape COD as quickly as possible,” said Rondeau.

Rondeau highlighted her new position as president of the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterrey, Calif., as evidence Guided Pathways can quickly and efficiently help members of COD move on to a more desired institution.

“Too often, people lose their motivation and become bogged down in hopeless quagmires,” said Rondeau. “I am extremely proud of my accomplishments at COD and look forward to the next challenge in my life. However, I have never been one for complacency. Pathways gave me the confidence to believe in myself and search for something better. I gave my all to the school, but after nearly three years commanding the ship at COD, no one even bothered to teach me what a ‘Chaparral’ was. I will always have a special place in my heart for COD, but I will always love big boats with shiny guns more.”

RONDOH!

SODEXO ANNOUNCES IT WILL NOW BE SERVING FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA Tessa “Kiwi-Strawberry” Morton (pronounces it strawbree) editor@cod.edu Following up on the success of Chick-fil-A and Subway Sandwiches, Sodexo has announced they, too, will introduce edible options. The College of DuPage cafeteria has struggled to market their food effectively. Despite thousands of students visiting the campus every day, many were unaware they didn’t have to lose their parking spot just to get a bite to eat.

“Usually I head to Jimmy Johns, but it’s annoying having to park at the P.E. building when I get back,” said Ryan Smitt. “If I’m desperate I’ll get something from Starbucks, but I’m already taking out so many loans. I just can’t afford to shell out my life-savings for a dry doorstop cookie.”

The announcement of more lunch options on campus has inspired mixed reactions. While some students are skeptical, others expressed minor enthusiasm.

“I would take a look if it meant not going all the way to the MAC to get an Einstein bagel,” said Matt Spratt. “I’m not lazy, I just don’t understand why it’s so far. What even is the MAC, you know?”

Sodexo has acknowledged their on-campus services have been less well-received than the services provided at other facilities they contract with. The company has relied heavily on their experience working with Corrections Corporation of America. Despite resounding success feeding the incarcerated, Sodexo was having a difficult time conquering a market where people can either eat their food or starve.

“Honestly, it’s hard getting students to eat

our food when they can leave,” Peggy Roberts, a Sodexo spokesperson said. “It’s a lot easier when the customer has a choice between our food and toilet wine.”

After trial running the new “simply to go” options the company has seen positive results.

“We have seen students walking by and looking at our display,” Chris Childs, a Sodexo employee said. “I saw a student pick up and consider buying an apple once, so we are pretty excited about the full roll out. I think the students are going to love the new range of ‘pickled vegetables in a bag.’”

Sodexo is confident the new options will appeal to health conscious students. Although they have seen an on-campus preference for chicken burgers and baked goods, Sodexo is certain their proposed menu will wow the student body.

“We have been displaying our new, mostly iceberg lettuce salads and feel that these will be a winner amongst students who prioritize texture over substance,” said Roberts.

“We are anticipating a lot of great feedback,” said Childs. “We hope students will find our imitation crab sushi very authentic.”

Sodexo is planning an official unveiling after spring break. Although many of the menu options are unchanged, Sodexo promises more appetizing items are on their way. The cafeteria staff are also hoping an event and some on-campus marketing will raise awareness of what is offered.

NEWS

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OUTSTANDING FACULTY MEMBER AWARD CONGRATULATIONS PROFESSOR ISLA ROKA!

REPUBLICAN STATE REP. CONGRESSWOMAN JEANNE IVES SUES COD TO DENY TRANSGENDER ACCESS TO BATHROOM Jack Pilante, Doesn’t really work here

GOP State Rep. and COD presidential search committee member Jeanne Ives has sued the school for permitting feathered-mascot, Chappy, to use a bathroom that does not correspond with the gender matching the bird’s birth (hatch) certificate.

Ives recently lost the Republican nomination for governor, criticizing then-incumbent Bruce Rauner for his moderate social positions. Ives is widely seen as one of the most socially conservative members in the Illinois General Assembly. She lambasted Rauner for supporting transgender’ rights and voted down a bill in the House that would ban gay conversion therapy.

“Infringing on the values of our traditional, God-provided genders is a slippery slope,” said Ives. “If we allow male roadrunners into bathrooms with our unprotected daughters, what’s next? Are we going to allow bird-human weddings and babies to be raised with parents who engage in cross-species, cross-gendered intercourse? If it walks like a male roadrunner, and talks like a male roadrunner, keep it out of the women’s bathroom.”

The school has responded with support for Chappy and all other students who feel discriminated against based on their gender, species or sexual orientation.

The college has not commented on how Ives’ lawsuit will affect her continued position on the presidential search committee.

Ives argues Chappy should use the bathroom that corresponds with its gender at hatching.

College of DuPage has awarded the 201819 Outstanding Faculty Member award to Professor Isla Roka. The committee said Roka exemplifies dedication to providing students unique perspectives while challenging their notions of compassion and morality.

Student Kadijia Hussein said she never had a teacher quite like Roka.

“Until I took her class, I never realized what a threat the immigration of my people into the Western world represents,” said Hussein.

“Thanks to Roka’s lectures, I now see how George Soros and the Clintons conspired to dominate world politics. It all makes sense now; the liberal agenda is destroying America. If we don’t protect the nationalist dream from illegal immigration, we might as well end our democracy.”

The COD committee said the college always strives to promote diversity in their faculty, from those who focus on teaching the course material, to those who inspire through far-right fear mongering. Students need to be aware that democracy is not the only form of government they should consider. Roka’s commitment to authoritarian principles serves as an eye-opening experience for students.

“Are we educating the next generation of ethical and responsible citizens, or are we indoctrinating the next generation of liberal snowflakes?” asked Hussein. “Thanks to Roka, when I graduate, I can carry out and represent the true ideals of this college. More teachers at the College of DuPage should be committed to teaching students the “real facts,” not just the lies mainstream media feeds us.”

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FEATURES

PARKING 101 Photo by Brandon Beckwith

COD STUDENTS EXCEL

Photo by Muhammad Mirza Annas

NEWS FEATURES

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Photo by Muhammad Mirza Annas

Photo by Alison Pfaff

Photo by Tessa Morton

Photo by Alison Pfaff

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NEWS FEATURES COD OFFERS NEW SOCIAL MEDIA STUDIES PROGRAM Madison Venckus, 14 followers venckusm1845@dupage.edu

College of DuPage recently introduced a new Social Media Studies Program at the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year. The program nearly doubled COD’s enrollment numbers and has officially been confirmed to be available during the 2019-2020 school year.

The program has a central focus on social media but offers classes on Pphotoshop techniques, how to sound sincere when apologizing in a video and a variety of classes for beginners. Classes will be taught exclusively by social media influencers whothat have a minimum of one million followers.

COD Student Life Eemployee, Sally Higgins, proposed the idea of a Social Media Studies Program after feeling jealous that her friends had more followers than her on Instagram.

“I came up with the idea for the social media studies program after realizing my friends had more followers than me. I was so mad because I’m like so much prettier than them, so I didn’t know why they had more followers. I decided to look into ways to get more followers and show them that I’m better than them, and that’s how the program began,” Higgins said.

Higgins proposed her idea to the Board of Trustees during a meeting in Jan. 2016. Chairman Frank Zea was thrilled with the idea and worked closely with Higgins to build the Social Media Studies Program.

Before entering the program, students must take an admissions exam. The exam places individuals in either a basic, intermediate or advanced study path and is scored solely on what students are wearing during the test and how many followers they have.

Once students finish and are

placed in a study path, they’re required to chose one focus topic.

Topics include, but are not limited to:; brand endorsement, virtual apologies, YouTube video editing and the history of 21st century slang.

“I chose the study brand endorsement after being put in the intermediate track. I heard that people can literally make money doing that; so I knew that’s what I wanted to do for, like, forever, Social Media Influencer Sam Lynn said. “Oh and use code SamL24 to get 25% off your first order on Honey.”

Social Media Influencer and Zaful brand ambassador, Meg Smith, chose to study virtual apologies after accidentally using racist and sexist slang in a Ttweet. Smith posted her hour- long apology video to YouTube after completing the class, but deleted it later saying YouTube was “glitchin.’”.

“OK,k for the last time stop calling me racist. It was just a joke, and my dad’s half black anyways, so I can say that,” Smith said.

After justifying herself, Smith mentioned that her favorite part of the program was the professor, Nash Grier, because the two had similar experience with online apologies. Grier gained the majority of his following in 2015 on the Vine app before it was shut down the next year. Similar to Smith’s situation, Grier also found himself using racist slang in a Ttweet by complete accident.

“Yeah, I mean the Ttweet was hilarious, but so many people unfollowed me. Sso I just deleted it. I figured people would forget about it since it was just one racist word, but apparently they didn’t. So I had to write a stupid apology, and I was actually really good at it. Turns out

the trick is fake crying,” Grier said.

Up- and- coming YouTube star, Emma Chamberlin, taught classes on how to edit YouTube videos this year, but will also be teaching classes on how to appeal and relate to your followers.

“Ever since I moved to L.A. and, like, got rich and famous, it’s been so hard for me to understand what poor people feel like. For example, I could never

“

drive anything but my Tesla, but I pretend that I drive a Toyota so all the people that follow me think I’m relatable,” Chamberlin said.

Students interested in the Social Media Studies Program can find the admissions exam link on Twitter or Instagram. Applicants must include their follower counts along with a most recent selfie on the exam to be considered for admittance.

Social Media Influencer and Zaful brand ambassador, Meg Smith, chose to study virtual apologies after accidentally using racist and sexist slang in a Tweet.”

NEWS FEATURES

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IS THE MAC’S NEW BAN ON PIANO PLAYING TOO HARSH? Jack Pilante, how do you even pronounce that? Pil-ont? Pil-antay?

Brandon Beckwith

To promote the safety and well-being of every student, the McAninch Arts Center has forbidden student usage of the grand piano. Their sign warning, “Do Not Play Piano,” is intended to ensure no further reckless mishaps happen. Faculty and patrons complained when the disapproved tunes of popular music were heard being played by juveniles.

In the MAC’s released statement, they reminded students pianos are art, they are never intended to be musical instruments.

“Popular music leads to dancing, which leads to inappropriate interactions between members of the opposite sex,” reads the statement. “Statistical research has shown popular music increases the likelihood of drug use, offen-

sive language, suggestive dancing and fornication amongst our impressionable youth. Our ban is intended to save students from their corruptive impulses.”

The MAC’s policy will include a $100 fine for first-time offenders, a public flogging for second-time offenders and amputation of the hands for third -offenses.

Student Ren McCormack said he faced a similar ban on dancing and rock music when he moved to the small town of Bomont, Utah.

“I gotta cut loose, footloose, kick of the Sunday shoes,” said McCormack. “Lose your blues, everybody cut footloose.”

McCormack said no ban, or fear of punishment will ever stop the students from their love of music.

“Let’s dance!” he yelled.

MAC DISPLAYS PAINTING TO INVIGORATE THE TASTE BUDS Jack Picante, THAT’S NOT MY NAME! Adding to their already impressive collection of rare and critically-acclaimed artwork, the McAninch Arts Center will display avant-garde artist William Wonka’s famous taste-inspired masterpiece. Wonka’s groundbreaking achievement, titled “Fruit of the Loom” (1971), is famous for being the first painting to be composed entirely of flavored paints.

Each color represents the artist’s impression of a distinct flavor. Every band of pigment pulsates with heightened sensory perceptions and imagination. Viewers are encouraged to lick each color to gain a full appreciation of the artist’s vision.

“Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange,” said Wonka. “The strawberries taste like strawberries. The

snozzberries taste like snozzberries.”

COD student Violet Beauregarde questioned the MAC’s and school’s commitment to serving the students’ best interests. She said wasteful spending and planning take away from ensuring the best environment for students.

“Who ever heard of a snozzberry?” criticized Beauregarde? “If they want me to put my tongue on this painting to appreciate ‘art,’ then I’m also going to lick all of the Frida Kahlo paintings when they go on exhibit. I encourage every student to do the same.”

The MAC strongly condemns licking paintings that are not intended to be licked. They implore students to ask officials before placing their tongue on a work of art.

Lindsay Piotter

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SPORTS NEWS

Desperate for a friend

Alison Pfaff

KINDA LONELY AT INTRAMURALS PLEASE PLAY WITH US

Miguel Angel Contreras III, Actually the 2nd... it’s complicated macontrerasiii@gmail.com College of Dupage Intramurals program wants … profoundly… desperately… just to hold your hand. You don’t have to be committed! Just visit once in a while and participate in an activity for a little bit.

You don’t even have to be good!

We’ll take it nice and slow, and we’ll teach you everything you need to know. Promise.

COD intramurals has had a rough go at it. Sometimes some of its friends show up, but at times it wonders if they even, ya know, actually care?

Intramurals are here for you! Why can’t you be there for it? Every time you were crushed by a gargantuan class assignment, it can’t type 5,000 words, but it gave you the chance to throw discs through the sky!

Every time you fought with a friend, it can’t make heartache go away, but it gifts you the opportunity to kick a ball at your unsuspecting enemies!

Every time you were lonely, it can’t cuddle you, but it can fill your soul with the sound of a ball swishing through a net!

Intramurals only desires the same thing all self-aware athletic programs do: To be loved and appreciated for the beautiful slew of sport sampling that it is.

The fieldhouse floor is just so cold, and the room is so cavernous; it’s a space only squeaking sneakers and low-lit competitive fire can fill.

One chance, a single date, one slot on your calendar - that’s all it asks.

It promises to blow you away with its rush of adrenaline and emotion

and will make your heart flutter in a way you’ve never quite felt before.

If you don’t fall in love at first glance, at least think of the children? Our intramural athletes have had to resort to the unthinkable in order to retain their sanity. The bear has a MEAN crossover and Tigger zags through the lane quicker than you can say, “THEY’RE GREAT”!

The Supreme Chancellor of Intramurals, Pat Brothers, has even come forward with a statement on the dilemma. An individual whom when he speaks, the whole of the Intramural Universe turns a yearning ear: “We have balls that’ve been left untouched for so long they’ve deflated. All of us from the athletic department really just want to hear those balls pounding against the

court. It’s really quite poetic and dreamy if you think about it. I’ve been so inspired that I’ve written spoken word for the talent show: I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, For Intramurals.”

Brothers is working on new ideas for the intramurals program in the fall.

“I’ve been praying on this.”

On behalf of COD and intramurals everywhere, don’t allow such a wholesome creation to continue to be neglected. For just a couple hours of your time, you can transform this little heartthrob program forever. Remember, the change starts with you.

NEWS SPORTS

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PARENTS CHARGED (NOT) WITH GETTING KIDS INTO COLLEGE THROUGH HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION Kimberly “Kimothy“ Wilson, 2015 Quidditch World Cup Champion wilsonk767@dupage.edu

Scandal has shaken the world of college admissions after news broke of the egregious ways several students recently gained admission to prestigious colleges and universities. Authorities say an FBI investigation, code-named Operation Big Nerds, revealed a plethora of working-to-middle class parents helped their children gain admittance to schools like Stanford and Yale solely by way of hard work and determination.

“This case is about the perpetuation of morals and decency in the college admissions process, which we cannot allow to continue, obviously,” said U.S. Attorney for Massachusetts Brandon Washington in a press conference last Tuesday.

“There can be no separate college admission for normal folk, and I will add there will be no separate criminal justice system either,” he added.

Washington added that as of now, no colleges themselves are targets of the investigation. He also stated no students–or parents–were charged as, in a shocking development, no actual laws were broken.

Some parents did things like encourage their children to do their homework on time, read ahead for their classes and get involved in any extra-curricular activities they were interested in so they could present a well-rounded application, Tessa Villegas, FBI special agent in charge, said.

“Their actions were, without question, underhanded, self-centered and disgraceful,” she added.

Emails obtained through the investigation revealed more outrageous measures parents were willing to endure to ensure their children had the best chances of being accepted to the colleges of their choosing. One parent from Glen Ellyn emailed her mother about how she was prepping her 15-year-old daughter to take the ACTs early.

The appalling email acquired by the FBI stated, “Hi mom, hope you’re well. I’m just emailing to let you know Madison’s preparations for her exams are going well. Her classes, chess club and viola lessons always come first, but any free time she gets I encourage her to spend studying, and I think it is really paying off. She passed her mock exams the other day with flying colors. Jim says, hi. Love, Alison.”

Karla Greenwood, a representative for “Alison,” told The Courier she had no comment.

Unsurprisingly, students who have attempted to get into college the expected way of lying and cheating were rightly horrified by the news. Lindsay Weslo, a current freshman at USC, recounted how in order to boost her chances of admission, her family Photoshopped her face onto a random athlete’s body to make the college think she was a semi-professional tennis player.

“Like, I couldn’t believe when I heard. To think that people would actually go to the library and stuff is just...wow. All my hard work seems so invalidated now. I mean, not that my family doesn’t have

the money to pay, but Photoshop can be really expensive.”

Of everyone not charged, as, again, everything they did was all totally legal, 43 are parents and 22 were high school teachers who would always encourage their students to try their best. The others were a mix of extended family members who always sent their love and support and high school counselors who helped students throughout the college application process.

The investigation involved more than 200 federal agents who were

stationed across six states. The inspection began last May after agents discovered evidence of “widespread dignity” while working on another undercover investigation, the FBI’s Villegas said.

“Ten months of focused investigative efforts led the FBI to uncover what we see as a normal system,” Villegas said. “Taking away the opportunity for rich families all over the country to successfully engage in a multitude of scams that would be, quite frankly, way more interesting.”

Lindsay Weslo showcases her college-level Photoshop skills

Jessica Tiapa

14

Reach Your Full Potential.

You’ll find a warm welcome and a supportive community at Elmhurst College. More than 500 students transfer to Elmhurst every year, so we understand your needs—and we’re committed to helping you reach your full potential.

Money and Forbes magazines rank Elmhurst among the top colleges for your money. Plus all transfer students receive scholarship support.

OPEN HOUSE April 27

Check-in and events begin at 8:30 a.m.

Meet faculty and students, learn about admission and scholarships, and explore the campus!

RSVP at elmhurst.edu/openhouse

ELMHURST IS COMING TO THE COLLEGE OF DUPAGE! April 4 & 9 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.

2nd floor, near Starbucks

Ask about our Guaranteed Transfer Admission program.

Individual appointments are available.

Email brian.pollastrini@elmhurst.edu for more information.

Office of Admission | admit@elmhurst.edu | (630) 617-3400 | elmhurst.edu/transfer

HOROSCOPES

15

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

To those born under this fire sign, you are known for your incredible independent nature and drive towards success - so much so you don’t give a ____ about anyone else. You find interactions with others a bore due to the fact that you can’t always find a pause in conversation to share your most recent accomplishment. It’s OK to celebrate others!

If you know someone who is extremely lazy along with talking more than they act, there’s a high chance they’re a Taurus. Be sure not to confront them about this, though. The Taurus is somehow always on their last straw. Saying anything wrong can cause a serious temper tantrum that will leave your eyes wide and jaw on the floor. If you were born under this sign, get a kickboxing membership to knock out two birds with one stone: physical activity and releasing that inner anger.

Restless and full of energy, you truly don’t know what you want whether it’s what to eat for breakfast or which lover out of the five you’re seeing is worth having a relationship with. That being said, you never end up eating breakfast or settling down with a partner whatsoever. Don’t lose hope, Gemini. Meditation every morning can help to ease the nonstop mental activity (and hunger from skipping the most important meal) that leads to such chaos in your life.

March 20 – April 20

April 20 – May 21

May 21 – June 21

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Known as the “The Crab,” you will, without a doubt, latch onto anyone and everyone with your tightly gripped claws. You are so overly emotional to the point that you need to depend on others to help keep you balanced. Put your heart into healthy outlets such as painting, cooking, traveling and/or seeing a therapist like six of your friends and ex-significant other have already suggested.

Who’s the baddest of them all? Not you, Leo. You are so sure that all walks of life think so highly of you. When a person says something to attack your character, you literally laugh in their face because you think they’re joking.

They’re not. Listen to what people are telling you because you’ve got some work to do.

If you’re wondering why you’ve been so lonely this year, Virgo, it’s due to your inability to keep the harsh comments to yourself. You have an instinct to immediately take the opposite stance on a situation from everyone else.

Maybe if you weren’t so caught up in being right you could prevent the habit of crying on the couch at 8 p.m. eating ice cream and binge watching horrible movies. Try to make some long-lasting friendships this year; you can do it!

June 21 – July 22

July 23 – August 22

August 23 – September 22

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Libra, the balance you seek is broken. Actually, all balances you seek to use are not accurate. Stop taking an eternity to choose what you want from Starbucks; there are approximately 48 people behind you in line.

This “fake-deep” aesthetic you have going on is boring, Scorpio. Just because you took one philosophy course doesn’t mean you know everything. It’s OK to like things that are shallow.

Learn to be honest in your love of “Desperate Housewives.”

Hey, Sagittarius, can you chill with the sarcasm? No one cares for your constant dry humor. We get it. You’re “quirky.” Be upfront with your feelings and stop expecting everyone to read your mind when you’re upset.

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Oct.23- Nov. 21

November 22 – December 21

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Always the skeptic. Midterms killed you, hardworking Capricorn. Lighten up! Stop looking for the problem that needs to be solved and instead enjoy the party. Seriously, take a Xanax or something; you’re so uptight.

Aquarius, you know more than we do about your week. How in the world are you so mysterious? Learn to be more transparent in your life. Inhale, “BE SARAN WRAP,” exhale.

There is a wave of emotion headed your way, Pisces. Or is it always this messy in your life?

Do not order anything from the cafeteria for the next week. Your fishy fickleness has historically been your emotional guide, but consider it your arch nemesis for the time being— at least until the next edition of The Courier comes out.

December 22 – January 19

January 20 – February 18

Hate your future? Take it up with Lindsay Piotter & Karla Villegas Pineda

February 19 – March 20

Drawn by Jessica Tapia

16 North Central will be at College of DuPage on: April 4, 2019 10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

April 18, 2019 10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

April 9, 2019 10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

April 24 2019 10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

Transfer and

Be central

at North Central College.

VISIT OPPORTUNITIES Friday, March 29 - Transfer Information Session Friday, April 12 - Admitted Student Day northcentralcollege.edu/transfer-visit-registration Transferring into North Central College means helpful planning with knowledgeable counselors, generous academic scholarships and financial aid, and customized campus visits.

Join the conversation and use #BeCentral and #WeAreNC

CALL

EMAIL

LEARN

630-637-5800 admission@noctrl.edu northcentralcollege.edu/transfer

Meet with area employers who have jobs and internships available.

CAREER AND INTERNSHIP FAIR

Thursday, April 4, 9 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Student Resource Center (SRC 2000)

cod.edu/careerfair

Whether you’re looking for your first job, seeking an internship, aiming for a better job or returning to the workforce, the Career and Internship Fair gives you tips, tools, training and real opportunitites to get ahead.

#URHired #BeCareerReady Š 2019 College of DuPage. All rights reserved. CS-19-28389(2/19)

BEST

MUSIC

WORST STAFF SONGS OF PICKS ALL TIME Barbie Girl Aqua

The anthem of my childhood. Honestly, my taste in music was never as refined as it was in elementary school. My imagination was her life’s creation. Those words really spoke to me at a deeper level. As a young girl, being encouraged to imagine “undressing her everywhere” was really what inspired me to become who I am today. A Lego enthusiast.

Tessa

Axel F Crazy Frog

... Yeah, I can hear the nerve endings in my ears commit suicide. Why was this song created?

Brandon

Drogostea Din Tei (The Numa Numa Song) O Zone

This is that one iconic but cringey song you have definitely heard, even if you can’t remember it. No matter when it gets played, someone always busts out dancing in the weirdest way, like nobody else is watching.

It peaked around the world from 2004 to 2005 and remained relevant for several years. Now it’s just that odd song you heard when you were younger that makes you want to dance everywhere.

Brooke

Let Me Take A Selfie The Chainsmokers

Selfie culture can be so self-absorbed and narcissistic. SO LETS SING ABOUT IT! Sort of. This song is really more like EDM with a whiney voice projecting the trends of new age social B.S.. No one cares if you think that girl looks ratchet because she’s not wearing shoes, and why would I care if she bought her Instagram followers? Yes, that was a booty call and if those shots are making you throw up you probably shouldn’t answer it!

Miguel

Thrift Shop Kidz Bop Kids

A cover of the iconic song “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, this equally fantastic cover is complete with squeaky clean lyrics (because, come on guys. this is Kidz Bop) such as “walk up to the club like what up I got a hit song.” and “rocking” tags. I mean, what’s better than this? I’ll answer that for you… everything.

Alison

YOU CAN FIND THE FULL COURIER SPOTIFY PLAYLIST AT CODCOURIER.ORG

17

COFFEE BREAK

18

DOODLE PROMPTS

• Whirligig • Jim’s face when the Courier meets deadline • Elephant on roller skates

On this blank space, on your homework, or on a vacant white board, doodle to your heart's content.

Share your doodles with us at @codcourier

THEME: COUNTRY

MUSIC AWARDS

ACROSS 1. Obama to Harvard Law School, e.g.

5. Structure named for 31st President 8. *Academy of Country Music Awards broadcaster 11. Mike Myers’ 2008 role 12. Dumpy establishment 13. Go “Boo!” 15. Somebody ____ 16. Black tropical cuckoo birds 17. Spasm of pain or passion 18. *Grand Garden Arena location 20. Unagi, pl.

21. Liz of “30 Rock” 22. As opposed to B.S, pl.

23. Caesar’s Palace, e.g.

26. Takes and hopes for a ransom 30. Any mountain peak 31. Major airline 34. Bibliographical abbr.

35. Part of a ticket, pl.

37. Drench 38. Israel’s neighbor 39. Millimeter of mercury 40. Like #40 Down 42. Octopus’ defense 43. Regards highly 45. Mr. Miyagi’s forte 47. *Used to crank up the volume 48. Novelist Zola 50. Sushi restaurant offering 52. *Host of awards show 55. Madagascar primate 56. Enthusiasm 57. Adopted son of Claudius 59. 12 for AA attendee 60. Pluribus 61. U2 guitarist 62. *Shay’s other half 63. Giant Hall-of-Famer 64. Don’t let it hit you on your way out?

DOWN 1. Wrinkles are a sign of this 2. Quiet time 3. Major in the sky 4. European breakfast staple 5. Australian canid 6. Type of deadly flu 7. “M*A*S*H” ____ hall 8. *Hall-of-Famer Smith, June Carter’s ex 9. *The Osbornes, colloquially 10. “Monkey ___, monkey do” 12. Animal in Phillip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials” 13. Lieu 14. *Entertainer of the Year contender 19. Cupid’s mom 22. Auction action 23. Social class among Hindus 24. Certain saxes 25. Sudden growth 26. Yachting cap 27. Skylit lobbies 28. House coat 29. Quench 32. Schools of thought 33. Spinning toy 36. *”____ ____ in the End” 38. Biblical shall 40. Tinkerbell, e.g.

41. Inside info 44. Eastern V.I.P.s 46. Harnessed 48. Audience’s approval 49. *Bebe Rexha’s “____ to Be” 50. Bristle 51. End of grace 52. Office communique 53. Do over 54. Cogito, ____ sum 55. Dropped drug 58. Poetic over

COFFEE BREAK

DIY SUDOKU

DOODLE CHALLENGE Fill the empty space with this hexagonal pattern.

19

Men in Nursing Rammie ‘18

Male nursing professionals talk about their experiences as nurses.

What is it really like for men to build nursing careers? This is your

MEN IN NURSING

chance to hear for yourself. Resurrection University is proud to

Saturday, April 6, 2019 10 am – 12 pm Resurrection University 1431 N. Claremont Ave., Chicago RSVP: ResU.edu/meninnursing

present Men in Nursing.

Hear from male nursing professionals about the advantages, challenges, and everything in between when it comes to pursuing a nursing career.It’s one of the fastest growing healthcare careers for men — join us to discover why and learn more about how to become a nurse.

1431 N. Claremont Ave. • Chicago, IL 60622 • ResU.edu/meninnursing