Caregiving

Build trust

By Isabel Tom

“The best way to take advantage of an older adult’s healthy years is to start building trust in the relationship now, and to make it a priority. Why? Because caregiving in hiking terms is classified as a “difficult” hike. It requires a great deal of energy, effort, and perseverance. In every step of your hike, trust is like quality hiking boots and trekking poles. It makes all the difference, especially when you hit steep inclines like tragedy or diseases. Trust makes all the difference when difficult decisions need to be made.

Trust, however, also takes time. And this is where we often fall short. We get in the routine of managing an elder’s physical care and forget to nurture that relationship.”

(p. 70-71 from “Chapter 10: Take Advantage of the Sweet Spot in The Value of Wrinkles: a Young Perspective on How Loving the Old Will Change Your Life”

As I approach my 40th birthday in 2023, I realize I’ve spent my entire life watching people care for their loved ones. I grew up in a multigenerational household and witnessed my parents care for my Mama and Yeye (which means “paternal grandparents” in Cantonese”). Mama and Yeye were 68 and 71 when I was born; they died at 98 and 102). On top of my personal experience, I have spent my career in the senior living and hospice care field where again I’ve watched so many care for their loved ones. Years of observation have taught me one important lesson: The best care isn’t purchased with money or accessed by having the most credentialed doctors. Our loved ones get the best when they have a village of trusted people surrounding them. Being able to trust and have a village makes our loved ones feel secure. Safe. Loved.

Yet, reality begs to ask this question: What caregiver has the time to develop trust when there are long to-do lists, finances, and appointments to manage?

While the needs of our loved ones are numerous and overwhelming, a long-term strategy to help us through “the hike of caregiving” should always include trust building. In doing so, we reduce our loved one’s anxiety. We deal with less resistance. We work together with our loved ones and it makes a difference.

We can incorporate trust building into our caregiving in simple ways. We can slow down and look into the eyes of our loved ones to show we’re listening. We can pause and hold their hand for a few moments instead of always rushing. We can share memories and simply sit in their presence. As you care for your loved ones, remember the power of spending moments, even short ones to cherish the one you’re caring for. Build that trust and give your loved ones the best care.

Isabel

Isabel Tom is a mom, wife, daughter, and retired granddaughter. She is also the author of The Value of Wrinkles: A Young Perspective on How Loving the Old will Change Your Life. She has been featured on ABC 7’s Good Morning Washington, and numerous radio shows and podcasts such as Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and AARP’s Take on Today. Professionally, she has served in the senior living and hospice care field. Isabel holds a Master of Public Health from the University of Maryland.