Interfaith families interfaith solutions

B’nai mitzvahs serve as learning opportunities for mixed families

By McKenna Corson

At a glance, it may seem daunting to go about planning a b’nai mitzvah when not everyone in a family – or even both parents – is of the same religion. How can someone not ingrained in the complexity of Jewish customs play an active role in such a pivotal event in a Jewish child’s life? But Rabbi Melinda Mersack, the director of jHUB – a Cleveland organization to help interfaith couples and families explore and connect with Jewish culture in the modern world – says celebrating b’nai mitzvah within an interfaith family includes a similar process

Mersack as for an all-Jewish family. In a Q&A with Bar•Bat Mitzvah, she says it’s an opportunity for education, growth and coming together – and not something to fear.

Do many interfaith families have b’nai mitzvah?

It’s common. There are a number of interfaith families certainly here in Cleveland, as there are everywhere, that do celebrate bat or bar mitzvah within congregations. There are some people that also celebrate outside of congregations. There’s a growing number of families in general, but also specifically interfaith families that are looking for different ways to celebrate becoming bar and bat mitzvah.

How important is it for non-Jewish parents to be involved in the b’nai mitzvah process?

It’s essential, because this is their child. It’s important for both parents’ participation.

How might you advise an interfaith family with a child celebrating a bar or bat mitzvah?

Each congregation has their own practices and expectations of their b’nai mitzvah students, so I encourage interfaith families who are celebrating within a congregation to contact their clergy and ask what the expectations are, what the different ways are that relatives of different faith backgrounds can participate during the service. Make sure that you understand what the process is, what your participation is as a parent, and to ask all of your questions so that you are informed and understand what the process is, what the celebration is and the meaning behind the customs.

If people are interested in celebrating b’nai mitzvah but aren’t yet connected to a congregation, we can certainly help people in that direction. Or, if people just have questions in general about what does it mean to become a bar or bat mitzvah and what their options are in the community, we can help answer those questions as well.

Is there a way the family can create an engaging experience for everyone?

One hundred percent. Most rabbis and congregations do a really lovely job of explaining the customs and the practices during the service so that not only do the child and their family understand what’s happening, but all of the relatives and their guests in attendance do as well.

How could a family honor the non-Jewish parent during the bar or bat mitzvah?

How we include a Jewish parent, I would suggest, is how we should include the parent of a different faith background as well. If this is a choice that they are supporting, that is a gift to the Jewish community. It’s important that we as the Jewish community acknowledge that and include them as much as possible in the entire process and the service just as we would a Jewish parent.

At some congregations, both parents of any faith will be invited to come up to the bimah to stand together and perhaps to offer their own words of blessing to their child. Some congregations will pass the Torah from generation to generation, and some congregations will include the parent of a different faith background in that transmission.

For an aliyah – the blessing over the Torah – some congregations will invite both parents up. Some congregations will invite the Jewish parent to say the blessing and the parent of a different faith background to stand with them in support. Some congregations will offer the parent of a different faith background an English reading to say during the service.

How can non-Jewish parents support their child celebrating their b’nai mitzvah?

They can do this in a myriad of ways. Simply helping schedule the Hebrew lessons and taking the child to and from synagogue are all minor ways that are really huge in supporting the choice of the child or the family in celebrating becoming bar or bat mitzvah.

It’s really important to talk with your child about what it actually means to become a bat or bar mitzvah, so that they have an understanding of what it is that they are affirming when they stand up before a congregation. Whether a parent is Jewish or not, they absolutely should be having this conversation with their child – what does it mean to them, what role does Judaism play in their family and why it is a meaningful part of their family’s life and celebration? BM