PRIVATE EYE

from City Weekly June 15, 2022

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Manhood

“Now you can call me Ray, you can call me Jay or you can call me Johnny, or you can call me Sonny, but ya doesn’t havta call me Mister Johnson.”—Ray Jay Johnson

It is not uncommon for a man to give a name to his penis. In fact, I’ve read that 7 out of 10 men do so. One guy I know named his penis Little Ray. Lyndon B. Johnson, the 36th U.S. president, made no secret of his penis’ moniker and the size that inspired it—LBJ called it “Jumbo.”

I’ve met men who refer to theirs as “Johnson.” However, technically speaking, I think johnson is categorical. To be correct would be to say, “I call my johnson Little Ray.” (Ya doesn’t havta call it Mister Johnson.) Such is the case with “schwanzstucker,” a faux-German coinage from Mel Brooks’ film Young Frankenstein. Given the monster’s limited socialization, only the lab assistant, Igor, could have been the namesake for his “enormous schwanzstucker.”

I had a high-school friend who ginned up a song about his member. It began with a question set to a borrowed melody, “Have you heard of Old Duke?” I doubt Duke was well known, but plenty of us have heard about the escapades of the Willies, Dicks and Peters. Their stories tend to be variations on a theme, and most of them include an encounter with the teeth of a zipper.

If you compare the list of the most popular kids’ names with a list of popular penis names, you find some overlap. Dave and John are at the top of both. A lot of penises are reportedly named either Troy or Hercules, surveys report. In Utah, there might be a Korihor or LeGrand hanging around, but I think you would look long and hard to find a Shorty.

The notion that your penis should have a name derives from the interaction of locker-room jive and LBJ-style ego. You see evidence of that in the way that men are willing to put their package on display, as if inspired by the telltale bulge in ballet superstar Mikhail Baryshnikov’s tights. The truth of the matter is that a prominent package announces only the confinement of Duke and the twins, straining to reach a cooling updraft.

Even if a man is not on a first-name basis with his package, he needs to be aware that trouble may be brewing down there. Testosterone levels are reportedly declining year by year, and sperm counts aren’t what they used to be. And erectile dysfunction (ED) is apparently becoming a cause for concern in the ranks of men in their 30s and 40s.

If you pay attention to the advertising on Utah’s TV stations, you come away with the feeling that in this post-Viagra age, incidences of ED are on the rise. Local TV newscasts are interrupted regularly by commercials touting a new treatment. But for their huckster overtones, the ads are typical of an infomercial—an earnest physician narrates, he plugs a breakthrough therapy, promising a restoration of lost performance in the bedroom without pills or needles or pumps. Then there is a graphic of blood vessels in a penile cross section, followed by a bedroom scene with a 30-something couple lying back-to-back in bed. The woman is visibly frustrated; the man is visibly glum. “Call now to schedule a free consultation! The free offer ends today!” the doctor concludes brightly.

The testosterone slump has attracted the attention of Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson. He has produced a documentary called The End of Men in which the “total collapse of testosterone levels in American men” is discussed. Evidently, one way to make the MAGA man great again is “redlight therapy” from a Joovv device. These “medical-grade” machines emit “red and near-infrared light designed to reduce pain, relax muscles/joints and increase blood circulation,” according to the Joovv website.

In a climactic moment in the documentary, a naked man stands on a rocky promontory at dawn, arms outstretched, his package illuminated by the glow of a Joovv light. A photo of the “tanned testicles” scene pinballed around the internet, landing in The New York Times and The Guardian.

From what I’ve read, red-light therapy has both proponents and skeptics, just as climate science does. Both are predicated on the tacit assumption that technology will save us, either by lowering carbon dioxide in the troposphere or by raising testosterone levels in American men. I don’t think it is going to happen. For all I know, red-light therapy is the equivalent of a dash of powdered rhino horn on your Wheaties.

It’s safe to say that Tucker Carlson plays to his audience. He’s less concerned with flagging libidos than he is with the politics of masculinity. The subject resonates with the white, male sexagenarians who make up an outsize share of Fox viewers. In that MAGA demographic, 15% likely experience ED and even more are contending with the ramifications of an enlarged prostate.

In this crowd, any mention of “my chemical romance” is a reference to a 100 mg. dose of Viagra—not a pop punk band from New Jersey. I’m also pretty sure that there is at least one 70-year-old out there who, after experiencing a Viagra buzz a time or two, has already re-named his penis Mister Ed. CW

Private Eye is off this week. Send feedback to comments@ cityweekly.net.

HIT: Green Machines

There’s good news and bad news on the path to renewable energy. In Utah, where fossil fuels are king, anything that moves us out of the coal mines seems great. President Biden, whose track record on climate change has been mixed—at best—issued an executive order to “accelerate domestic production of clean energy technology, in particular solar components,” the Deseret News reported. Obama-era tariffs on Chinese-produced components have thrown the industry into chaos during the global supply-chain debacle. An investigation into tariff evasions further delayed imports and at least five major solar projects in Utah. Moving to renewables is a tough sell, although it was only a few years ago when almost two dozen cities had pledged to go total renewable. Now, many have backed out, mainly fearing the costs of implementation, according to Energy Wire.

MISS: Where’s the Beef?

The drought is taking no prisoners. While lawmakers are pondering piping in ocean water to the Great Salt Lake, the federal Bureau of Land Management and Utah’s School and Institutional Trust Lands Administration (SITLA) want to drill water wells near Bears Ears National Monument because livestock are suffering. The idea, according to The Salt Lake Tribune, is to move cattle to the new wells. But Laura Welp of Western Watersheds Project says that will just degrade more land. She wants more riders on the range to move the animals around. Other concerns include sucking water from springs and other wells, thus encouraging more cattle. There are 23 wells already approved, and the public can comment on others until June 24. No one wants to see the poor cows die, but maybe don’t grow the industry?

MISS: Just Let Them Teach

If you’re old enough, you might remember taking civics in high school. If you’re of a later generation, Utah likes to think of civics education as teaching kids to be nice. Maybe a little more than nice, but it’s really all about “values” rather than facts. “Some of Utah’s teachers are concerned that they will face repercussions if they teach content, skills and dispositions basic to civics education,” a UVU academic wrote in the Deseret News. Education Next put it in partisan terms. The “left and right were divided over whether a ‘common’ set of values could be fully identified and so universally accepted as to warrant a place in civics education.” Meanwhile, Utah adults can’t even tell you what’s in the First Amendment or what the three branches of government are. It’s not possible to codify values, but it should be possible to teach civics education.

Trafficking for Soldiers

Ever wonder why American kids would decide to join jihadist groups? Mohamed Ahmed did when he saw some in his Minnesota community joining Al Shabaab, an Al-Qaeda group, and ISIS. “There was no counter-narrative against this extremist recruitment. That was an eye-opener, and he decided to do something about it.” All persuasion is about talking, and that’s what Ahmed did. At Not Your Average

Mohamed: How One Man Is Combating

Child Soldier Recruitment, the founder of Average Mohamed will discuss his beginnings as a blue-collar worker and how he has battled extremism “one cartoon at a time.” Ahmed founded this organization that promotes ideas of counterterrorism through the use of popular culture. Westminster

College, Gore Auditorium, 1840 S. 1300 East, Wednesday, June 22, 7 p.m. Free/ register at bit.ly/3lHGqJk

Juneteenth—What and Why?

This is the first year that Juneteenth is an official state holiday in Utah, commemorating the 1865 emancipation of enslaved African Americans. It started in Galveston, Texas, and has been celebrated annually on June 19 in various parts of the United States since 1865. Juneteenth became a federal holiday on June 17, 2021, when President Biden signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act into law. And because this year is a particularly special occasion for the state, there are many events to choose from and this is only a smattering.

The Summer of Color march begins at The Sun Trapp, 102 S. 600 West,

Sunday, June 19, noon- 6 p.m., free, https://bit.ly/3aI6Yrq

The Salt Lake Juneteenth Celebration & Black Owned Business Expo will showcase the diverse entrepreneurial spirit as well as the artistic talents of Black artists. The Gateway, 18 N. Rio Grande,

Monday, June 20, noon-dusk, free. https://bit.ly/3O55whh

And Learning, Preserving & Telling the Stories of Juneteenth will bring it all into perspective and take you through the history that led to this moment in time. Universi-

ty of Utah Park Building, 201 President’s Circle, Tuesday, June 21, 9 a.m. Free/register at https://bit.ly/3xiJssF

Gotta Love Those Murals

Park City is home to Utah’s only Banksy painting, but our local mural artists have created wonderful and inspirational pieces. Now you can see and learn about them at Art

Talk—Beyond the Wall: Community, Mu-

rals and Museums. This will be a conversation with “Utah-based muralists Bill Louis, Chuck Landvatter, Evlyn Haupt, Louis Novoa, Miguel Galaz and Viamoana Niumatolu. Moderator Renato Olmedo-Gonzalez, public art manager for Salt Lake City, will guide us as we unpack muralism in the museum space, the impact it has on the community and the future of murals in Utah.” Virtual

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