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Pet Sounds Pets speak their minds about hunkering down with humans

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CONTENTS COVER STORY

PET SOUNDS

Pets speak their minds about hunkering down with humans

Cover illustration by Alevtina Tarasova

5 PRIVATE EYE 8 A&E 10 DINE 22 MUSIC 28 CINEMA 29 COMMUNITY

2 | MAY 7, 2020

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NEWS

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STAFF Publisher PETE SALTAS Executive Editor JOHN SALTAS Arts & Entertainment Editor SCOTT RENSHAW Music Editor ERIN MOORE Copy Desk KARA RHODES Section Editor JERRE WROBLE Contributors KATHARINE BIELE, ROB BREZSNY, BABS DE LAY, MIKE RIEDEL, ALEX SPRINGER

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4 | MAY 7, 2020

SOAP BOX Woot, woot! MARYANNE RIOS via Facebook I want a piece of the coconut-cream pie LISANNE GROSS via Facebook

Re: the video interview with Alan Hebertson of the Coffee Garden on the CW Facebook page: Love this place. Best lattes I’ve ever had. An absolute most when I’m on the city. CASEN ANDERSON via Facebook

Man, I better get up there and grab a seat while I can. TOM BROOKS via Facebook

On the April 30 feature on the relaunch of Marissa’s Bookstore: Love this place! HELL.AND.HOTDOGS Via Instagram

@SLCWEEKLY

Super fun bookstore! They have cute gifts, too. KRISTINMC6 via Instagram This brand new rethink of their bookstore on 9th and 3300 South is amazing and beautiful! Check it out. KLBRAAK via Instagram This is the first I’ve heard of @marissasbookstore! Thanks for introducing me to another cool place I hope to visit soon! GHEETASMITH Via Instagram

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More on Trump’s idea to cure COVID-19 by possibly injecting disinfectant: He caused confusion during a pandemic. CHASE BOTWIN via Facebook

People who are low in IQ listen to him. He’s dangerous. Evidence is in the increase in calls to poison control today. Hopefully ER visits don’t increase because of this. CHERYL HINMAN via Facebook Could have gotten rid of the dumb ones, but no. ROB HALL via Facebook

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The fact that you can be made to believe a moron who rose to the highest level of power in the world says a lot about you. If the media wants you to think he was smart and good at his job, you would swallow that BS, too, because you’re a thoughtless fool. You’re completely mind-f—ked, and you can’t see it. DANNY LEVESK via Facebook Sound off across our social media channels as well as on cityweekly.net for a chance to be featured in this section.

THE BOX What is your secret camping ‘go to’ recipe?

Scott Renshaw My secret is to “go to” my own kitchen, where I have everything I need to make recipes and don’t end up with back pain from sleeping on the ground. Sofia Cifuentes My husband and I throw a mix of potatoes, vegetables, meat and/or chicken, some herbs, olive oil and sea salt. Then we let everything marinate the whole night. After we start our campfire, we put our mix in foil and leave it on the embers to cook slowly. Cody Winget We make breakfast bundles that you can throw right into the fire. Hash browns, eggs, peppers and meat. Wrap in foil and toss on the coals—cooks in a couple of minutes. Alissa Dimick Crack a can of beer, then grab a sleeve of Ritz crackers and a good ol’ can of squeeze cheese and go to town. Christa Zaro I always bring fresh herbs from my garden to add to everything: onions and oniontops, basil, parsley. Always! Chop zucchini and squash and score on foil. Drizzle olive oil over the top and cook over the campfire. Add tomatoes, basil, parsley at the end. Leftovers are great mixed in with scrambled eggs the next morning. Jerre Wroble Grilled Colosimo’s bratwurst and Polish dogs on fresh Stoneground Bakery buns. Simple! And delicious. Steven Wells Sweet and spicy grilled yellow onion. Slice like a flower. Slice one direction and then opposite but only about 90% to the bottom. Lots of butter and tobasco sauce, salt/ pepper. Wrap in foil and cook slow over coals. Maggie Kearns So sorry but I can’t answer this question. Because either 1. my recipes are a secret or 2. I haven’t gone camping in years. You decide. Chris Metos While camping provides a nice getaway and connects one with beautiful nature, I go specifically for the food. My go-to? Chicken teriyaki stir-fry on the sizzling campsite grill. Simply saute some white mushrooms, chopped green onion, sliced red bed pepper, asparagus, snap peas (need that crunch), diced chicken breast and, most importantly, teriyaki sauce! I usually pre-chop the veggies and dice the chicken at home before. Bring a Benihana-like experience to the mountains. Derek Carlisle If you haven’t found the secret world of camping cuisine in Ziploc bags , then let me introduce you to a world of zero cleanup for the morning munches. Pre-scramble that protein at home and add chives and mushrooms for the perfect portioned bag to drop in boiling water. Once your eggs are ready, use the water to fill up your French press.

B Y J O H N S A LTA S

PRIVATE EY

You’re Fired M

who understand the game (they might be the most passionate fans of any sport), and I come away convinced they are right, that the game is not random at all, I just can’t see it. That I can believe in something I can’t see is not unique to me. Many of my friends and neighbors believe in a supreme being they cannot see. They call it faith. Another group of my friends and neighbors believe the movements of the sun and stars affect their daily lives. They call it astrology. Yet another group believes that a giant female panda at the edge of the world is breathing heavily, causing the trees in their yards to sway. They call it fantasy. Still another pod believes that tiny, infectious microbes can be spread from person to person, causing some of those persons to fall ill and die. They call it medical science. There’s even a group of people who believe that when they press a button on their computer that moves numbers from one computer bank account to another, it makes them richer or poorer for having done so. They call that economics. Those persons are sometimes prone to believe that the more zeros they have in their account, the better people they are. They are equally prone to defend to the very ends of the earth, to that place where the giant female pandas live, that anyone who helps them add zeros to their bank account is to be protected above all else. They call it, “I got mine, sucka.” Today, Team America is at an impasse. Nearly three quarters of polled Americans believe in the medical science that is currently driving the coronavirus dialogue and fear we can return to safe workspaces. Meanwhile, a sizeable group of Americans want to return to work under any circumstance and figure a bunch of zeros in a bank account is worth more than a crocheted doily from Gramma. Some who treasure their well-being are self-isolating

to extremes even beyond that of what our scientists say. Among the persons wanting to go back to work are those shouldering automatic weapons while waving flags that indicate they support the losing side in the great American Civil War. We Americans seem to have lots of ideas on how to play the game, but we don’t have a game plan. That’s because we don’t have a coach—we have a golfer. Our golfer, Donald Trump, undermines his own team to his own benefit. He has somehow convinced half of America that 29,000 Italians died—and over a quarter million other persons worldwide—because of a “Democrat” plot to undermine his presidency. That’s not what our allies believe. He’s convinced half of America that we’re in this mess because China lied about Coronavirus and withheld vital information from him. Yet, Croatia and Greece—with far less assets than the United States took pro-active steps to stop coronavirus. Trump’s advisers knew that. Those two countries have not even suffered 300 deaths between them. Croatia and Greece are not golf countries. They are soccer and basketball countries. Croatia and Greece trusted science. They made plans in order to save all their citizens, not fragments of them. They made a game plan, and they stuck to it. Trump didn’t create the coronavirus, but he tried to manipulate it to his personal gain. He golfed, then he golfed some more. He’s playing with rented clubs on a course he’s never played. Plus, he cheats at golf, you know. He has no faith, no moon or stars. He wears no pinstripe. His fantasy is a giant female panda; he neither trusts scientists nor economists. He failed. It’ll make great TV someday, and will it ever feel good when he’s no longer “coaching” the team. CW Send feedback to john@cityweekly.net

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y favorite sport to watch is baseball. It’s a team sport. Wrestling isn’t one; neither is tennis. I presume there’s an argument that doubles tennis qualifies as a team sport, but I don’t buy it. Many tennis players are isolated, arrogant and selfish in all life matters, whether they play singles or doubles. The rest play tennis because it doesn’t require much thought or strategy at the amateur level. I hit the ball over the net, then you hit the ball over the net. Then I hit it back. Then you do. Then, it doesn’t go over the net or is called out of bounds. And that’s that. You look at the sky, proclaim it a great day and go have a beer. Golf is like that, too, but the participants—except in the rarest cases—are more likeable. A case can be made that baseball is barely above golf or tennis when it comes to being a true team sport since most of the action takes place mano a mano, pitcher vs. batter. In 1976, Texas Rangers shortstop Toby Harris played in both games of a doubleheader and never touched the ball once in either game. Because of such outlier events, some people actually do proclaim that baseball is not a team sport any more than wrestling or tennis are. Because, how can you be on a team and play no role in the outcome of a game? It’s true that in sports like ice hockey, soccer, basketball and football, the concept of team play is even more pronounced. While I may not understand a whit of what happens on an NBA basketball court these days, it’s fairly clear to me that there is at least a concept of strategy and unity taking place on the court. Ice hockey appears to me to just be a series of random skids and bounces, but I’ve sat with people

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HITS&MISSES BY KATHARINE BIELE @kathybiele

Last Man Standing

If you’re a Utahn who has it in Salt Lake City for whatever reason, you should vote for Greg Hughes for governor. Not to get too political, but Hughes, the former speaker of the House, was the brains behind landing the Inland Port in the only undeveloped area of Salt Lake City. At the recent GOP convention, Hughes came in second behind Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox, while former Gov. Jon Huntsman and former Utah GOP chair Thomas Wright were spit out from the ballot. This, despite both of the latter professing undying support for Trump. Huntsman is not to be forgiven for joining the Obama administration as ambassador—but what about Wright? The convention is historically a home to farright conservatives, as Utah Policy notes. Given that Wright’s running mate is none other than 1st District Congressman Rob Bishop, it’s hard to get more conservative than that. Cox and Huntsman are ahead in the general polls, but the question remains: Who, or what, is a real Republican?

Tepid Rollout

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Editor’s Note: During these days of social distancing, only virtual, online social-activism activities and events are currently being highlighted.

ANTISEMITISM FILM SCREENING

A Utah student dressed up as Hitler on Halloween and thought the whole thing was funny. Utah saw 10 cases of harassment or vandalism against Jewish people in the past several years, while the Anti-Defamation League reports that anti-Semitism in the nation has doubled. Maybe we’re not teaching enough history, enough compassion or enough good sense. PBS Utah and the IJ and Jeanné Wagner Jewish Community Center are offering an advance screening of a new documentary, Viral: AntiSemitism in Four Mutations, in which “director Andrew Goldberg examines its rise, traveling through four countries to follow anti-Semites and their victims, along with experts, politicians and locals.” A Q&A with the director will follow this virtual event. Tuesday, May 12, 6-8 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/2WcC0gl

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DIPLOMACY NOW

What’s the best way to sustain economic and social relationships in this increasingly complicated world? The Utah Council for Citizen Diplomacy thinks it starts with you. “Everyone has the right, even the responsibility to help shape U.S. foreign policy “one handshake at a time,” the council say, although actually shaking hands may be a thing of the past. Foreign Service Officer Christine “CJ” Hernandez will discuss the importance of diplomacy in an out ever-changing world during a virtual lunch-and-learn about The Importance of Diplomacy in a Changing World. Come with questions about how you can foster citizen diplomacy. Thursday, May 7, 12 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/2z3TUK3

INDIGENOUS KNOWLEDGE

MAY 7, 2020 | 7

—KATHARINE BIELE Send tips to revolt@cityweekly.net

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We barely listen to each other now when it’s more important than ever. Speaking Across Knowledges: Indigenous Knowledge about the Past will bring in Zuni writer Jim Enote for a conversation about indigenous ways of knowing about the past, coping with water and food insecurity and of course, disease. “What do sacred places have to teach us?” organizers ask. Enote will join cohosts Elizabeth Hora of the Utah Historic Preservation Office and Kristina Young of ScienceMoab for a special live hour answering your questions about indigenous knowledge, archaeology and the challenges we face today. Friday, May 8, 12-1 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/2VRAl0K

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Don’t despair yet. There are people and organizations still looking out for you, your children and your dogs. Just reading The Salt Lake Tribune headline is enough to give you hope: Southern Utah’s Best Friends pays $6.3 million to buy state land that was proposed for frack sand mining. Southern Red Mines held the mining rights to 12,000 acres of federal land and had a business plan that involved selling to oil and gas producers to extract around a feature named Red Knoll. Best Friends, which operates a 37,000-acre animal sanctuary, was rightly concerned about the water supply and of course, the tourism industry. It can’t get much better for Southern Utah, adding to the good news that Kane County also nixed the Lake Powell Pipeline. The future for this stunning area lies not in mining, but in tourism, recreation and conservation.

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Our choices lately seem so black and white. Life vs. money. Hate vs. love. Business vs. people. Men vs. women. The majority of people in this country would choose to play it safe amid the COVID-19 pandemic. But then out came the guns and flags for either Trump or white supremacists, and Michigan’s governor refused to bow down. The small but intimidating minority saw state after state buckle in response, and Utah was not far behind. It’s bad enough that Utah Gov. Herbert chose to “ease” restrictions barely a month after they were put in place. He’s just so sad that some people won’t wear masks. Then Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson caved, removing misdemeanor penalties for violations. And who’s in charge of this tepid rollout? Former state Sen. Jim Dabakis calls out the governor, whose commission has no Hispanics, Democrats or epidemiologists, among others. Don’t bother choosing between black and white. It’s all white.

CITIZEN REV LT

ENTERTAINMENT PICKS, MAY 7-13, 2020

While performing arts companies wait to figure out how the world will look for them post-pandemic, Ballet West has dealt with both business-as-usual and business unusual. In April, the company announced the retirement of first soloist Sayaka Ohtaki and demisoloist Trevor Naumann, in addition to several corps promotions, looking forward to the 2020/2021 season. The company was also in the news when dancers Lucas Horn and Josh Shutkind tested positive for coronavirus in March (and, fortunately, have since recovered). Yet it’s the work itself that has made Ballet West such a Utah institution, and even as live performances are not possible at this time, it’s still possible to enjoy the beauty of their work. At BalletWest.com, a “virtual library” of Ballet West performances offers a look at the rich history of the company, covering classic and contemporary works. Sponsored by Intermountain Healthcare, the “Daily Uplift” videos offer snippets of performances including Giselle, Balanchine’s Emeralds and Prodigal Son, and Edwaard Liang’s

As long as we’re being discouraged from getting out and about socially, physical Gallery Strolls are going to be challenging logistically. Ogden has come up with a way not just to support galleries and the artists they represent, but to provide a virtual approximation of wandering from place to place, enjoying music and art. On May 1, Ogden held the second remote version of its First Friday Gallery Strolls, but added a bit of a twist. From 6-9 p.m., there was a schedule of live events at a variety of locations, including everything from live painting demonstrations to live music performance by local artist Kyla Vine., for a total of 10 different “stops.” According to Ogden City’s marketing and communications manager for arts & culture events, Regina Esparza, “This time, we wanted to come up with sort of a schedule, and reached out to artists we knew were doing events already.” While the live event was not recorded or achived, links to the galleries and participating artists are all available

BEAU PEARSON

Ogden Virtual Art Strolls

Constant Light from the 2019 Choreographic Festival. You might even want to dance along with Ballet West courtesy of some of the other videos hosted on their site, adapting many of their outreach programs. “Exercise with a Dancer” gives you a yoga class with soloist Chelsea Keefer; “Senior Steps” serves up stretching and movement exercises for older folks; and the “I Can Do” program continues kid-friendly lessons. No matter your age—and whether you’re more interested in being a spectator or a participant—the world of Ballet West can still be part of your world right now. (Scott Renshaw)

What kind of theater can you do when you’re unable to do the kind of theater you’re most accustomed to doing? If you’re Plan-B Theatre Co., you take advantage of a format you actually have quite a lot of experience with—radio drama—and adapt it to another format that has been a part of the company’s history. For several years, Plan-B has challenged playwrights, actors, and directors with an annual Slam event, a 24-hour marathon of writing, rehearsing and performing a play from scratch. For our pandemic days, Plan-B has combined the Slam concept with the idea of Plan-B’s also-traditional Radio Hour format. “It was late-night quarantine musing on [managing director Cheryl Cluff’s] part,” says Plan-B artistic director Jerry Rapier. “She called and said, ‘Hmmm, what do you think of this?’ … It’s something new that builds on something we’re comfortable doing.” Local playwrights Jenifer Nii, Elaine Jarvik, Jenny Kokai and Melissa Leilani Larson were enlisted to create the works, and according to Rapier, it didn’t take long for them—

at ogdencity.com/770/First-Friday-Art-Stroll. A similar format is planned for future months as long as is necessary. In addition, local residents were invited in on being not just spectators, but participants. Using the hashtag #OgdenShowsArt, home artists have a chance to share the projects they’ve been working on. “I’m trying to do what I can to share that content, to let people know that art is everywhere,” Esparza says. “Some people think, ‘My art isn’t gallery-worthy art.’ So many people are doing things right now, and I want them to share it.” (SR)

The Princess in Black and the Case of the Coronavirus

and for the participating actors and directors—to agree. “As soon as I could send a text message, I got a response,” he says. “People are hungry to work.” The short plays—all featuring one actor, with genres ranging from ghost story to comedy about a peppy YouTube personality facing down the apocalypse—were rehearsed and recorded remotely, with each production getting two hours with a sound designer to finalize the show. The four works will then premiere on Utah Arts Alliance’s radio station KUAA (99.9 FM) at 2 p.m. daily May 5-8, and available to listen to subsequently at PlanBTheatre.org. (SR)

Princess Magnolia—the intrepid, imaginative hero of the Princess in Black illustrated book series—has battled monsters in what seemed to be every possible form. Now she’s taking on something scary from the real world: the virus that has caused a radical change in our world. Utah author Shannon Hale—who created the Princess in Black series with her husband, Dean, and illustrator LeUyen Pham—says that the idea for The Princess in Black and the Case of the Coronavirus came during a phone call between herself and Pham in March, when they were both adjusting to home-schooling their children. “We were just feeling generally worried about how kids are handling all the upheaval,” Hale says. “We were talking about how it’s a lot for little kids, especially, to process, and she suggested we could do a short comic with our character that could help kids process it all.” In only four days, the writing and illustrating was completed for the lively public service announcement sharing the

CANDLEWICK PRESS

Plan-B Theatre Co.: Radio Slam

REGINA ESPARZA

Complete listings online at cityweekly.net

Ballet West Virtual Library

JERRY RAPIER

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8 | MAY 7, 2020

ESSENTIALS

the

fundamentals of pandemic-era safety—like hand-washing and social distancing—through the eyes of Princess Magnolia. Hale believes that introducing these ideas with a familiar character—a kid coping with the same changes they are—can help them better understand a scary time. “This is hard. It’s hard to give up school and friends and outings,” Hale says. “And for some, thinking about a germ is scary, so giving them some simple tools like handwashing can help them feel more empowered. I hope having a book friend who gets what they’re going through helps them feel less alone.” (SR)

A&E

For Utah-based Disney vloggers, theme park closures force some adjustments

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our Patreon would probably go down, as people’s discretionary income went down. I was surprised that it’s actually gone up during this time. I think people are trying to support us.” While Disney Parks fans are missing their happy places, Provost notes that as the reality of the pandemic set in, it became easier to make peace with what’s going on, and the realization that they could be in for a long wait before the parks are safe to visit. “We’ve accepted the situation,” he says. “Of course we want the parks open, but we want it to be in a way that’s safe. In our office, we have maps of all the parks we’ve traveled to. There’s that sadness when you think about it, but you just want it done right. On our livestream, we asked our viewers if they would be going back as soon as the parks opened. I thought the majority would be going on Day 1, but I think about 7 out of 10 people said they would be waiting.” Provost himself acknowledges that he doesn’t know for himself how quickly he or Amanda will want to get back. He wants to be careful considering the health of their son, so even if one of them goes to chronicle the re-opening, that person might selfquarantine for a while after returning. And there’s an uncertainty about how much in the parks they love will have to change their operations to make them safer places, whenever they do open. But Provost is still looking forward to getting back to Disneyland, a place and his family love and feel the absence of. “I don’t know how to quantify this,” he says. “It’s easy to talk about specific things like rides. I just miss being there with my family, seeing things through Miles’ eyes. People who love Disney understand what I’m talking about.” CW

s much as the world has changed for everyone, you might think it would change less for someone whose livelihood involved creating content for a YouTube channel. But when your focus is Disney theme parks—as it is for Chris and Amanda Provost, who operate the Utahbased Provost Park Pass channel—a drastic change is required. That focus came very close to stranding them halfway around the world, in the heart of the original coronavirus outbreak. Late last year, the Provosts planned a trip around the world with their 3-year-old son, Miles, to visit all twelve Disney theme parks over a span of about five weeks, which they would chronicle for Provost Park Pass. Originally planned to begin in mid-January, it was postponed just a couple of weeks, eventually beginning on Jan. 25. “Our original plan was Florida to Paris, then to Hong Kong, then to Shanghai,” Chris Provost says. “We got a text on the 25th about Hong Kong closing. We didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation. We kept thinking, ‘Maybe it’ll open in a week or two.’ … If that delay hadn’t happened, we would have been stuck in Hong

Provost Park Pass hosts Chris and Amanda Provost

BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

Kong or Shanghai.” Then, while at Disneyland Paris, adjusting their tour to account for the China parks’ closures with their travel agency took them in a direction that, in hindsight, Provost realizes might not have been the best choice. “They suggested coming back to Florida to go on a Disney Cruise as an alternative,” he says. “We’d been in Paris for eight days, everything [about the pandemic] still seemed very foreign to us. So we flew back to Miami and got on a Disney Cruise ship. Knowing what we know now, we’re thinking, ‘God, it’s crazy that we did this.’” Craziness has been the new normal for most of us, and for the Provosts, the new normal has meant shifting the focus of their YouTube channel. Typically, their content would feature videos focused on visits the Disney parks, whether capturing details of their own trips or providing “secrets revealed” historical information hosted by Chris Provost (who is also familiar to Salt Lakers as the on-stage host for guest panels in the big ballroom at FanX conventions). With the parks closed, Chris and Amanda have had to pivot creatively to other Disney-adjacent content, including “secrets revealed” videos about Disney movies, and even attorneys offering opinions on the legal case against classic Disney villains. “We’re literally just doing things that we would enjoy,” Provost says. “We’re not necessarily thinking, ‘What would make a good YouTube video?’ Amanda loves food, so it made sense to do videos of trying to cook [Disney Parks recipes]. … It’s a little bit of a departure for us.” Provost acknowledges that there has been a financial impact due to a lack of new in-parks videos, though not as much as he might have expected. “It definitely has affected us,” he says, “but we have a really good community. I told Amanda I thought

PHOTOGRAPHERS WANTED

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Happy Place Interrupted

PROVOST PARK PASS

THEATER

FREEPIK

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10 | MAY 7, 2020

Risky Business

As restaurants readjust to dine-in service, remember to not be a dick. BY ALEX SPRINGER comments@cityweekly.net @captainspringer

ven though restaurants have been re-opening dine-in services for about a week now, they’re likely suffering from a bit of pandemic-related whiplash. On top of that, restaurants are adjusting to new requirements, such as more frequent cleaning sessions, rearranging tables to accommodate social distancing and even screening employees and customers for signs of COVID-19. In a nutshell, our friends in the restaurant and hospitality industry are going to need your patience and understanding now, even more than they did while offering delivery or curbside service.

I figure that most Utahns won’t have a problem with being considerate in these weird times, but I’m also willing to bet that there are some people out there who either can’t not be a dick, or aren’t aware they’re being a dick. It’s a small net to cast, but I want to do what little I can to help heal the gaping wound that

the pandemic has left in our restaurant scene while these businesses try to get themselves back on track. As someone who is anxiously awaiting a re-emergence into our local dining scene, here are a few things I’m keeping in mind. Allow Time for Readjustment. Regardless of each local restaurant’s experience

level, the pandemic brought everyone back to square one. They all had to endure a two-month shutdown, with less than a week to prepare and reopen for dine-in services. If this was just a return to business as usual, I could see that adjustment period being shorter, but keep in mind that these places are reopening with a whole slew of new requirements in place to curb the spread of COVID-19. We’ll be entering restaurants with altered table arrangements and masked servers, where every cough and sneeze will garner suspicious glances from the clientele. Long story short: It will take much longer than a week for restaurants to get their sea legs while things hopefully deescalate. Be patient and tip generously. Remember How a Guest Should Treat a Host. One of the more unfortunate byproducts of living in a hyper-capitalist society is the mentality that opening your wallet for someone else’s goods or services gives you power over them. I see it more often than I’d like in my line of work—something about paying someone else to cook their meal makes certain people get horny for entitlement. With restaurant owners now responsible to screen cus-

tomers for signs of respiratory illness, that customer-is-always right attitude is going to cause all kinds of uncomfortable situations. While there’s no excuse for a restaurant owner to be rude about this socially awkward requirement, there’s even less of an excuse for customers to be rude about being asked to leave or mask up. Right now, restaurant owners are under the same statedictated obligation to remove someone who could be sick as they are to remove customers who light up a cigarette at the table. Just be cool, people. Keep Ordering Takeout. I totally understand the myriad small joys of visiting a restaurant. The ambient chatter, the scents of cooking gently wafting away from the kitchen and the thrill of making a final selection from the menu are all wonderful in their own ways. In many cases, however, restaurants are going to struggle to accommodate dine-in patrons. Those small, hole-in-thewall favorites that can only comfortably seat 20 people are going to have a hell of a time upholding social distancing requirements. Even places with large spaces at their disposal are at a disadvantage, because they must rearrange their table struc-

ture. All in all, bringing the food that you love back home to eat will help ease the transitional burden that your local favorites are facing. Be Kind to Fellow Diners. Spending two months in quarantine has put all of us on edge. Days of frustrated powerlessness and uncertainty have blunted our social skills, while making us irritable and anxious. Though I expect most of us will be happy to see members of our fair city out and about a little bit more, the fact remains that we’re still in a state of emergency, and that can have a weird effect on people. As we live in a time where every response to the COVID-19 pandemic carries some political subtext, it’s important to remember that all of us have experienced some degree of struggle—which means all of us need a little patience as things start to normalize. It’s also worth keeping in mind that some people have been hit harder by the pandemic than others, and you never know the impact that a little bit of kindness will have on someone who has been getting their ass handed to them over the past few months. In the words of Patton Oswalt via his late wife, author Michelle McNamara, “It’s chaos. Be kind.” CW

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Burger Bowls | Pizza | Tacos | Filled Portabellas Full Bar | Big Screen TVs | Board Games Ask about Catering! low-carb and gluten free options along with a kid-friendly mini menu Promo code: familydeal1 - $25 for a 16’ pizza, 10 wings, and a big green salad! Promo code: familydeal2 - $45 for 2 16’ pizzas, 20 wings, and 2 big green salads! Promo code: familydeal3 - $25 for 8 tacos and chips and guacamole!

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MAY 7, 2020 | 11

NEW FAMILY DEALS

*W/ RESTRICTIONS FOR ALL OF OUR SAFETY

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FOR DINE-IN, DELIVERY AND TAKE-OUT

Featuring our NEW BRUNCH ITEMS!

WE’RE OPEN!

the

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BACK BURNER BY ALEX SPRINGER @captainspringer

Old world flavor in the heart of Salt Lake

20 W. 200 S. SLC | (801) 355-3891

Caputos Artisan Baskets

siegfriedsdelicatessen.com

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Caputo’s Market (multiple locations, caputos.com) usually offers weekly deals on their products, and lately those deals have featured artisan support packs, designed to support local artisan makers who have been impacted by the pandemic. At press time, their most recent basket featured pantry staples like chili oil from Chili Beak, baking chocolate from Solstice, charred cedar and currant bitters from Bitters Lab, and honey from Hollow Tree. These deals change every week, but it’s worth keeping an eye out for when they offer another great package from local artisans; it’s something they’ve been doing to help out when they can. Either way, any of their weekly deals is a great way to get some high-quality ingredients for all that home cooking you now know how to do.

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Beans and Brews Gives Back

Recently, Beans and Brews (multiple locations, beansandbrews.com) offered the gift of free coffee to employees at University of Utah and Intermountain Healthcare locations all over the Wasatch Front. They gathered and distributed $10,000 worth of gift cards to the professionals who are keeping these clinics up and running—all of whom need all the caffeine they can get. Though these donations may not look like much in the grand scheme of things, stories about businesses giving back to the healthcare professionals who are under tremendous strain right now are always welcome. Thanks to all of those who are doing what they can to give back.

Celebrat i

12 | MAY 7, 2020

COMFORT FOOD, WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST!

year

Steak Cookoff Association Competition

Did you know that we have a national steak cookoff association? I didn’t either! All the same, the Steak Cookoff Association (SCA) will be hosting a competition on May 9 at the BBQ Pit Stop in Lehi (865 W. State Road, 801-341-7171, bbqpitstop.com). Any location in the country can host a sanctioned SCA event, and while they’re focused on seeking out who can grill the finest steak, there are also ancillary categories like chicken wings and bacon. Traditionally, the grand prize for these events is $1000, so anyone who feels like they have the chops—heh heh—to grill a thousand-dollar steak should look into it. Quote of the Week: “There is only one way to eat steak: With greed in your heart and a smile on your face.” –Soumeet Lanka

Call your order in for curbside delivery! 801-355-3425 878 E 900 S

BY MIKE RIEDEL comments@cityweekly.net @utahbeer

Wasatch Guava Rosa: It looks like a strawberry-banana fruit juice, and pours the same, with about a finger of dense pinkish-white foam. There’s a fresh, fruity, funky and authentic guava aroma wafting up, so that it smells like a freshly-prepared guava smoothie. A very minor herbal spice rack note is present, along with what seems like hibiscus. The taste evokes something like a “beermosa;” when a beer nerd needs a breakfast beer, they normally look to a chelada or Anacin, with a Pacifico chaser. My game was Hoegaaren and orange juice, and this kinda reminds me of that. There’s much more tartness, though, from the base beer, but fresh and fruity, for damn sure. Authentic guava fruit juice dominates, with minor notes of bready malts and yeast funk present in the finish. I hear they may “up

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the guava” in future batches. Quarantine Desirability Rating: This beer may seem to have crawled out of your corner smoothie shop, but the 7.1 percent alcohol by volume gives it more of a spring break vibe. Think more Tank Girl, less Kylie Jenner. The cloistering factor here is medium to low, as it wants to pull you out of mom’s basement and into your dad’s new girlfriend’s college sorority party. Kim can be kind of a bitch, but her friends are pretty hot, so proceed with caution. We’re still in that weird flux period when beers are, for the most part, only available at their respective breweries. Guava Rosa may be looking at a trip to the DABC, but the Hoppy Pilsner will only be found at Utah’s newest brewery, Grid City, at 333 W. 2100 South in South Salt Lake. As always, cheers! CW

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

s I was sampling this week’s beers, I noticed that I was sitting in front of the current alphas and omegas of Utah’s craft beer scene. Wasatch, the grande dame of local breweries, is throwing out some of the new high-concept beer styles; meanwhile, the brand-new kids on the beer-making block— er, grid—were going completely old-school. Freud would be impressed. Grid City Hoppy Pilsner: This one pours a pretty and semi-clear, golden color, speckled with orange highlights. The nose tells you right off: hops, hops and

MIKE RIEDEL

Two breweries turn their backs on conventional stereotypes

more hops. Tons of floral, assertive, piney, grassy, citrusy, resin-like hops blast you right up front, with honey and honeysuckle, lemon zest and clover rounding out the nose. I like a hoppy lager, and I like where this is headed. Upon first swig, I can already tell this beer is going to live up to its name. It’s intensely hoppy up front, plus a dose of lemon, orange and grapefruit-like citrus, pine needles, clover, freshly cut grass. Slightly resin-like hops is then followed by a touch of honey-like sweetness, some black pepper and orange zest, and finally some bready toasted malt, which serves as a nice backbone for all of those hops. It’s medium-bodied in the mouth, with a medium amount of effervescence. That’s likely due to the fact that this was packaged in a crowler (can growler). I can’t wait to try it on draft, the way it was meant to be served. Quarantine Desirability Rating: I’m sure there will be a few hardcore zealots out there who will decry this made-to-style pilsner for daring to come in at 4.7 percent alcohol. For you, the cloistering factor of this beer is “get a fucking life,” followed by a resounding “shut up, penis-breath” quote from E.T.’s Elliott. For everyone else, this is pure, tie-dyed lederhosen happiness, just screaming to be swilled from the ancient ceramic stein that your dad swears came from the “old country,” but we all know he got it at the airport in Idaho.

MIKE RIEDEL

Beer Psychology 101

BEER NERD

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705 S. 700 E. | (801) 537-1433

MAY 7, 2020 | 13

Award Winning Donuts

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14 | MAY 7, 2020

THANK YOU TO OUR LOYAL CUSTOMERS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT STAY SAFE! LOVE, CROWN BURGERS ON HIGHLAND DRIVE DRIVE THRU OPEN â€¢ PHONE ORDERS FOR PICKUP 801-467-6633 3190 S HIGHLAND DRIVE IN MEMORIAM JAMES KATSANEVAS OUR LOVING FATHER AND GRANDFATHER 1932-1996

Pet Sounds Pets speak their minds about hunkering down with humans Compiled by Derek Carlisle

We asked your pet: How are you handling #HangingOutWithHumansAtHome? Their people stay home most of the time these days, often fixated on those little flat rectangle toys that have no smell. But, for pets, that also means extra snuggle time and walks around the block in addition to normal guard duty. And, of course, they don’t mind—that’s what they’re here for. But hells bells, those humans need a lot of extra licks right now.

Pepe Male, Chow Chow

Human: Amy Stevanoni

The thought bubble for my photo would read: Ciao! Ciao!

Hump, lick, kill?

H: Anything that moves L: Anyone with fresh meat K: My rawhide

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have: They spoil me. I always get the Piedmontese beef!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

I don’t wait for quarantine—I’m social all the time! @ciaociaopepe. They have a favorite of me drinking Krug.

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

Not running away from my people.

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Chicken Female, domestic shorthair Human: Megan Wagstaff

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

They seem to find me more and more interesting while I find them less and less interesting.

I wish my human would leave so that I could:

Get my little pug brother to “test” the catapult I’ve been working on.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

Forged in Fire (I’m taking notes).

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

Human: Rachel Fullerton

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

My humans have been cooking a lot and not much of it is for me.

Eat all the socks.

The thought bubble for my photo would read: Where have you been all my life?

My Tinder profile:

Reruns of college football games they already know the outcome of. We could play fetch instead.

Seeking adventurous type to join me SCUBA diving at the Living Planet Aquarium. Must have own harpoon.

My Tinder profile:

Hump, lick, kill?

Thick hungry blonde looking for snacks and attention.

The butt I wish I could smell:

Clifford, the Big Red Dog’s

Dog park I miss the most:

Fairmont, because it means a trip to Campfire Lounge after.

H: Is this a question about Wednesdays? L: My coat to waterproof it for scuba class K: Any aquatic animal as long as I have a license, right, Dad?

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

My humans don’t wear masks. I wish they would because my chemistry set puts off some dangerous fumes!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

If it’s not cheese or tuna, don’t bother trying.

Dog park I miss the most:

Any of them! Please get the dog out of the house; he smells.

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

I’ve been working on building an obstacle course, but Dad said the dynamite booby traps weren’t allowed. My parents are no fun.

Favorite place to sleep?

Mom’s office chair. I think it’s hilarious when she sits in it, and her butt gets all hairy.

MAY 7, 2020 | 15

I wish my human would leave so that I could:

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

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Chloe Female, yellow Lab

I am powerful and strong, and I need to learn Russian

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16 | MAY 7, 2020

Kiah Staffordshire bull terrier Human: Rachelle Fernandez

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Newton Male, knight anole Human: Holly Esch

Crying more lately. I mean, she’s always crying but sheesh, woman, get a life!

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

I wish my human would leave so that I could:

Rub my butt all over that new rug from Overstock.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

Caught in Providence. My human either has a crush on old Frank [Caprio], or she has daddy issues.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

I am so ready for my human to go back to work!

Stripes growing on her head.

Crawl under the fridge and commune with the hum.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

She plays The Elder Scrolls online and fights angels (dragons). I find that offensive.

The thought bubble for my photo would read: Moo?

Dakota Bardon-van Welzen Male, border collie Human: Dawn Bardon

How do you like your new living situation?

I was adopted from Second Chance for Homeless Pets. The humans at SC were awesome, and I’ve very thankful they took me in. My new family pack is a lot of fun and they love me very much. I’m glad they adopted me, and they keep telling me they are glad they found me.

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

My Tinder profile:

Are you single?

Widowed. Leibniz, my partner, passed unexpectedly last week.

Dude, I get walked all the time. I mean, a few times a day is nice, but these people are wearing me out.

Hump, lick, kill?

My Tinder profile:

I wish my human would leave so that I could:

Single cute pittie looking for a single male. Please, no couples! I am good with kids but no pussy cats, please!

H: That hot-ass Budweiser-looking dog from down the street. L: Rachael Ray … what? K: That punk-ass neighbor cat. He’s always pawing at the window like we’re cool. I am a descendant of wolves. I shall end you!

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

Likes she’s never getting a date. Here come the lonely nights filled with crying into the pillow and that weird sound that sounds like her electric toothbrush coming from her room.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

My human is a social media vegan, but she bought a chuck steak and made it just for me!

The butt I wish I could smell:

The West Valley City K-9 police dog that pulled over my human the other day—dog buns of steel!

Dog park I miss the most:

The bark park in West Valley. No one’s there because no one knows it’s there!

Is your social media influence on fire due to your shut-in human? Yeah, I told you she’s awful. The photo of me swimming in the creek. Yes, pebbles can swim!

Raddest hike I’ve crushed:

My human and I went to Knolls Recreation Area recently and I did great, didn’t wander off, didn’t start a fight. I crushed at being a dog.

Jen seeks Kira. Am I the only gelfling left? (I don’t know who would read this because there are no anoles here. I feel like the only anole left on Earth.)

Hump, lick, kill?

H: Velociraptor L: Anyone from the original V series K: Barney.

Take a long nap.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

I don't always share my toys, but when I do, they will be blessed with my slobber.

My Tinder profile:

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

Fun loving guy who is looking to meet new friends. I enjoy playing tag, tug and eating random smelly things.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

When they put on their mask, my humans look like:

I’ve been trying to decipher her color changes for five years, and I think it’s gibberish.

Butternut squash and mango.

Someone else—it is really creepy.

The butt I wish I could smell:

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

A what?

Dog park I miss the most:

Our old place with pipes in the ceiling. That was my jungle gym.

Has your social media influence grown due to your shut-in humans? Multiple times daily. Humans love it when I shed.

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic: My human’s dirty clothes hamper.

They are going a little crazy. I kinda lost count. My dad loves to make short videos of me hiking with music. I was even a spokesdog for homeless pet adoption. Check me out on Facebook at https://bit.ly/35zTV4C

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

I've learned sit, stay, wait at door, down, come, shake and rollover in 3 weeks. I also bark at earthquakes. Mom keeps calling me the world's smartest Border Collie. I think she may be right.

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Human: Sofia Cifuentes

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Where do I start? My mom goes through all the stages of a crisis every week (denial, anger, acceptance, resignation, etc.). Now my parents are looking for new activities such as skating at home and playing with lights. It’s good to have them at home all the time, but I think they're losing their minds

I wish my human would leave so that I could:

Mmmmm, none. They just talk a lot and do other things that I'm not allowed to talk about.

Here's the thought bubble for my photo I'm sending: Is that human food you have there?

Cougar, pretty chill. I love outdoor activities, but I hate cold weather or getting wet.

I still don't get it. Why do they voluntarily choose to put on a muzzle?

Tastiest leftovers your humans let you have:

My mom is Latina, so she doesn't leave leftovers for us. She is very strict in our diet. Boooring!

Dog park I miss the most:

West Jordan Off-leash Dog Park

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

Thank goodness I have more brothers, and I'm not the only focal point. Her fave is when I was doing absolutely nothing, just lying there, sunbathing, but it seems that humans find it very interesting.

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

I turned 13 years old last week, and now my humans think is a good idea to run races. Obviously, I'm the fastest. I have a video to prove it.

Human: Derek Carlisle

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately? Running around the house with a chopstick casting spells and wearing a Slytherin robe.

I wish my human would leave so that I could: Get my fishing pole and join my sissy at her secret fishing hole.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

The Witcher has got to be the worst. They even make fun of it but when the credits role, they get the popcorn ready for the next episode.

The thought bubble for my photo I'm sending: I didn’t pee there. It was sissy, she pees everywhere, and then I gotta take the heat.

My Tinder profile would read as follows:

Soft and warm lickens, come get yers.

Hump, lick, kill?

H: Kevin, he’s my everything, and he’s plush so he can take it L: Anyone’s face until the skin comes slap off K: Fire trucks! Jesus, they come outta nowhere screaming and a honking.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, and I’m just waiting for them to scream “Get over here!” Yeah, Dad, do it!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

Well, breakfast is more common than ever round the house, and I get the crispy egg whites that Mom hates. Yum!

The butt I wish I could smell:

Pretty much anyone but my favorite is Luna’s because I like to say, “I’ve been to the moon and back.”

Dog park I miss the most:

Haven’t yet been to my first dog park but when I do, whew! Is it gunna be fun!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

There’s the video of me and sissy going at it and also guest appearances on Zoom meetings with my parents and their work peeps.

Raddest trick I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

I can sit and my mom lets me know what a good boy I am for doing that feat of feats.

MAY 7, 2020 | 17

My Tinder profile would read as follows:

When they put on their masks, my humans look like:

Biscuits Male, pug

| CITY WEEKLY |

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

H: I don't do those things, L: Definitely my dad. I love him, K: My younger brother, Troy. He is a pain in the @#$%

Are you mad? Why would I wish my human leave? Now I can be her shadow and she gives me treats all the time.

Hump, lick, kill?

Tina Female, pinscher/Chihuahua

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| CITY WEEKLY |

18 | MAY 7, 2020

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TEXAS ORIGINAL RECIPES | 100% Wood Smoked Bar-B-Que Tue-Wed 7-3pm | Thu-Sat 7-7pm | 962 S. 300 West, SLC

Vedders Strong female, black Lab-ish Human: Sharon Mancini

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

My human still gets up early but doesn’t leave the house. What is up with that? She also bugs me when I am napping and talks to me all day long. All I hear is “Blah ... blah blah blah ... blah blah blah blah blah? Blah!” Enough already! Go find a job!

I wish my human would leave so I could:

Jump on the beds and couches and take a nap! They are wearing me out with four outings a day. Don’t they know I’m 10? That’s 70 in dog years, which makes me older than them!

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

Breaking Bad. My humans keep laughing and saying, “Holy Cow! I can’t believe Walter just did that.” What I want to know is, who the hell is Walter?

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

Finally. So glad you decided to get out of bed. I’ve been waiting to go play since 6:30 a.m. Wait! What? More Breaking Bad? Geez … I’ve got my ball and my chucker already to go. So, shut off that TV, and let’s get out of here!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have?

My human is a good cook. She loves cheese. I know when she opens the cheese drawer. I can hear that little squeak of the drawer and smell all those different cheeses she buys. I always walk into the kitchen and give her that look that she can’t resist. And I always get cheese! I think I’ve put on a few pounds in the past six weeks!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

I’m not sure how many times my human has taken a picture or video of me lately, but it could be hundreds because she always has her phone in her hand. Since she’s bored out of her mind because she got furloughed, my human joined a Furry Friends Instagram page that her friend in Oregon started. She took a video of me rolling around in a puddle of water at the school by my house. It was hot, and I needed to cool off, so the moment I saw that puddle of water, I just jumped right in! My human was not happy about it, but she got over it. She must have thought it was kind of cute since she posted a video of it.

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

My human—they call him Dad—taught me a great trick. He taught me how to lie down and play dead. So, now, all he has to say is, “Would you rather be Donald Trump or a dead dog?” and I lie down. My humans always giggle and say, “What a smart dog!” They give me a pat on my back and get me a treat. I’ll do that trick for them any time. It makes my humans smile.

Maya Female, husky mix Human: Carla Frein

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Every morning, my human jumps on a bike and spins and spins without going anywhere. Also, the last five days, my human keeps saying “I need to feed my dough.” Who is “dough” and why does he need to be fed?

I wish my human would leave so I could:

Play-wrestle with the birds that visit our backyard.

My Tinder profile:

Mia Female, border collie mix

I'm a savage. Classy, bougie, ratchet. Sassy, moody, nasty. I’m a savage.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

Human: Tobias Larson

Let’s go somewhere and judge people.

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have?

Humans go to the bathroom a lot. They take their phones with them, shut the door and completely disappear for hours it seems like.

Hang out on top of the kitchen counter eating their next failed sourdough attempt.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

My Tinder profile:

Do you like to lick yourself, too?

Hump, lick, kill?

H: That Afghan from the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (oh, that flowing hair!) L: [SLC Mayor]Erin Mendenhall (the best mayor we could hope for through this) K: It’s illegal to name the individual

When they put on their mask, my human looks like: Another drug dealer from Gangland

The butt I wish I could smell:

Anthony Fauci’s—I bet his poop doesn’t stink.

Dog park you miss the most?

I miss the fun times at Yappy Hours. I look forward to the day my human doesn’t have to worry about being close to others.

My human takes a picture of me all the time on our walks. It’s so annoying.

Zeus Male, pug

Human: Raymond Howze

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

The human has taken to doing too many household chores during the day, disturbing me during my naps.

Human: Brianna Midgley

I wish my human would leave so I could:

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Knock everything off the kitchen counter.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

She has been standing at the sink saying “foam it up” and singing that song with all the letters. She does that 15 times a day.

Better Call Saul.

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

I wish my human would leave so I could: Get some sleep!

I sit in the box and knock the things off. That’s the name of the game.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

My Tinder profile:

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

Hump, lick, kill?

New to the world. Looking for a partner to chase birds and roll around with.

Friends. Seriously, could they be watching it more?

Why haven’t I always been getting these puppuccinos from Beans & Brews?

My Tinder profile:

Unless you are bringing me meat, swipe left.

Hump, lick, kill?

H: Doug the Pug L: Brussels K: Sprout, the person who invented the impossible Whopper.

Dog park you miss the most? Herman Franks Dog Park

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans? They keep posting pictures of the bald puppy and forget about me, so it’s only about three posts. Their fave is me laying in the bald puppy’s tent, living the “Puglives of Salt Lake City”

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

Tricks I’ve mastered during the pandemic:

They’re hiding food from me in there.

I’m 14, so my greatest physical accomplishment is getting up the mini stairs that get me from the floor to the couch.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

Favorite place to sleep?

She dropped a lot of chicken the other day. It was awesome.

The butt I wish I could smell: Manny the Frenchie

On my bed, between my humans wedged in their backs. I’d prefer it if they’d find somewhere else to sleep, but I guess if they stay on the very edge, while I’m perpendicular, that will do.

H: Too young for ... what? L: The dog I live with. K: The squirrel that steals the bird food.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

Like the human that snipped my manhood.

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have: Beef fat

The butt I wish I could smell: My sister (the old dog)

Most recent social media post thanks to my shut-in humans?

Coming nose to nose with the pesky squirrel.

Tricks I’ve crushed during the pandemic:

Lying on the pool cover. It’s like a water bed!

MAY 7, 2020 | 19

Does your human do anything to embarrass you?

Turning my neck like The Exorcist

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They always make an extra slice of bacon for me. I don’t know why humans don’t just eat bacon all the time.

Raddest trick I've mastered:

Clark Male, domestic shorthair

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

Big Bird from Sesame Street.

I don’t know the name, but it has tigers and polygamists. Every episode, they look at me and say, “Damn, I could have gotten a tiger instead of you.”

The butt I wish I could smell is?

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I wish my human would leave so I could:

Chicken apple sausage. My human was trying a new move called “a flick of the wrist,” and the sausage had a soft landing in my mouth. I threw up half an hour later, but it was worth it.

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20 | MAY 7, 2020

Bishop & Davinci Males, bull terrier & boxer Human: Alexis Petersen

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately?

Our humans are always home, and it’s fantastic! They are always on their black boxes of boredom, though. They talk to strangers and when we bark to protect them, they put us outside. It’s an outrage. Mom keeps stealing our bandannas and putting them on her face. She looks ridiculous, but we still try to kiss her face, anyway.

We wish our humans would leave so we could:

Get our afternoon naps in. We are exhausted from having to entertain them all day.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

Ivy Female, heeler mix Human: Carla Frein

Are your humans displaying odd behavior lately? Today, my human dug and dug in the backyard but never rolled over the dirt. What a waste! Yesterday, my human lay on the floor and stared at the fan. I tried it, too, but I got dizzy.

I wish my human would leave so I could:

Defeat the neighbor’s cat in a staring contest.

Craziest TV show my humans are glued to:

The Masked Singer. Why would someone like to hear a cat sing? Yikes.

My Tinder profile: Cute but psycho.

The butt I wish I could smell:

They are glued to the TV but don’t watch anything good. Where’s Animal Planet, guys? I’d take Cats at this point!

The thought bubble for my photo would read:

Spring training is canceled? This is some real BS, Mom! Can we still party? Go Cubs!

My Tinder profile:

Just two mama’s boys prowling for bitches. Don’t hold it against us. She has good treats, and we will share.

Hump, lick, kill?

H: Can’t commit L: Anyone close enough for our tongues to reach K: Anyone in the neighborhood who dares walk on our eight squares of sidewalk, our grass at the park or our trail on the mountain. Or, really anyone in general that’s not our humans.

When they put on their mask, my human looks like:

They are trying to be as cool as we are in our bandanas, but they are doing it all wrong!

Tastiest leftovers my humans let me have:

Chip ’n’ Dale’s

Our humans don’t cook or give us leftovers ... rude! They like to trade carrots for tricks, though. We will take it!

Dog park I miss the most:

The butt I wish I could smell:

Hike I've crushed during the pandemic:

Dog park I miss the most:

Cottonwood Park

Little Wild Horse Canyon and Bell Canyon Trailhead

Fluffy! Three heads, one butt!

We like the Draper dog park, but we’d take anything at this point!

Is your social media influence growing due to your shut-in humans?

Mom always post us, even if we aren’t stuck at home! Our favorite is our pool party pic—we love to party!

Tricks we’ve mastered during the pandemic:

We just started training with Live Oak Obedience right before our humans started staying home, so we practice all the tricks— heal, walk nice, come, play nice. Can’t wait to start Jan’s agility classes!

What would the humans do without us in these scary, unpredictable, boring times?

Who knows. Mom probably wouldn’t survive. We are her saving grace. They are so lucky to have us!

This has been a singular event in our lives. We’d like to document your experience of the pandemic through portraiture. Come as you are; this is not a glamour shoot. There is no charge for the shoot, we’ll be provide you with a copy of the final image we select when the project is complete. You will be part of this historical document and may be included in the final book. We'd love to see healthcare workers and other essential workers. To participate: Visit the link at the bottom of the page. Print & fill out the photo release and the accompanying info.

COVID-19 PANDEMIC PORTRAIT SERIES Hosted by Utah Portrait Arts photographers Steve Conlin, Nick Sokoloff and Paul Duane

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MAY 7, 2020 | 21

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NwwsFtlaE5XbRJCTmSH-qG_nwDg_vXZU7Bec8X-pVJo/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you for your participation!

Guidelines: You may wear whatever you wish, we suggest something you wore often during quarantine. We will be implementing social distancing between the photographer and the subject, and will have hand sanitizer available. No groups - this is not a time to bring your friends in for a group shot. The only exception is household groups who have been in quarantine together. No infected people. If you have any reason to believe that you may be infected or have been around infected people, please protect our photographers and stay home.

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Arrive at our studio: Utah Portrait Arts 38 South Rio Grande SLC, UT 84103 (we are located in the Gateway Mall, a couple of units north of Victoria’s Secret)

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22 | MAY 7, 2020

MUSIC 4760 S 900 E. SLC 801-590-9940 | FACEBOOK.COM/THE ROYALSLC ROYALSLC.COM

BAR | NIGHTCLUB | MUSIC | SPORTS

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New Normals

Local record shops adapt to the pandemic with ideas they might just keep going.

This week's live streams Facebook.com/theroyalslc Thursday 5/7

Live Music

RHETT ACOUSTIC DJ NAPO 9PM Friday 5/8

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BY ERIN MOORE music@cityweekly.net @errands_

ne thing that’s quickly becoming apparent is that there won’t necessarily be a return to “normal” after this coronavirus affair has passed us by—or at least not a clear path back to “normal.” Not only will our economy likely be vastly changed, but the businesses and people left to adjust to it will have been forced to change, too. The business of selling music has been uniquely impacted—record stores, generally places to go and linger while crate-sifting, have gotten crafty in the face of COVID-19. They’re also now considering what changes are worth keeping for the future. Downtown record shop Diabolical Records has made the decision to stay closed to the public, while keeping up with their new method for making sales by delivery. Since lockdown started, Diabolical has been operating (with the efforts of owners Alana Boscan and Adam Tye) by allowing customers both to make regular orders of records and purchase the shop’s “drop bags”—a mystery deal, priced between $20 and $100 depending on how many records you want, and selected by Diabolical for you based on a note about your interests and preferences. Along with drop bag collaborations with places like Normal Ice Cream, Ken Sanders Rare Books, Atelier and local artists who supply prints to add on to orders, the new deal has been quite lucrative for the shop. “The community has responded so incredibly to us switching to a delivery-based system and so we are fortunate that we are able to maintain this current model,” Tye says. “We are working on a few others to team up with [for drop bags] and it’s been so successful, it may be something we continue doing even after we do reopen our store.” When that reopening will happen is still unknown, despite some recently-loosened restrictions. “We decided to close and to stay closed because we think the state and country are acting rashly,” Tye says. “Our mayor said that we are almost at a plateau as far as case rate and death rate. Almost at a plateau means we’re still ascending, so to loosen restrictions because people value our economy over human lives is absurd and offensive. Alana and I both have immuno-compromised parents, and the idea of us opening being more important than their lives—or anyone’s loved ones

Peasantries & Pleasantries life—boggles my mind.” But, just as Diabolical has had to adapt and made decisions that are best for them, Tye recognizes that businesses that do intend to stay open aren’t in the wrong. They’re simply doing what is necessary to keep themselves running, or keep a payroll going. In this way, small businesses more than big businesses seem to be adapting more easily, playing by their own rules and making them up as they go along. Another local that is adapting as it goes is Peasantries & Pleasantries, near the 9th & 9th neighborhood. The shop has mostly seen little pandemic-inspired change in operation, because of its already-unconventional model of “appointment-only” customer visitations. Additionally, the shop—which owner Parker Yates just relocated to a space across from his original one—is zoned as a home, and he lives there as well. “I moved in the week before all of this happened, and I couldn’t take any time off of the bar, so it took a whole week to move,” Yates says, referencing his part-time job at the Twilite Lounge. As soon as Yates was ready to open up the new space to visitors, everything shut down. But the switch to deliveries, curb-side pickups and online orders has been an easy one for him, with Instagram posts featuring his for-sale records turning out handy for him, too. “The only thing that really hinders the record store is that you have a lot of stuff for people to look through,” he notes. “People set out to find one thing, and then get in there and end up finding something else, too, which always helps sales, so that’s probably a hindrance. Other than that, the curbside thing changes very little. The music’s still getting into people’s hands.” That is what’s most important to Yates, anyways. He’s taken the time during quarantine to be “quiet,” and consider what future operations for him will look like—which turns out to be digging deeper into his model of a music-focused, curatorial and conversation-friendly environment in his homey shop. He also hopes to begin plans to launch a record label along with the shop, which will no doubt spur our scene. As for reopening, Yates is paying attention to predictions, but doesn’t anticipate opening the new space until July 1. “I don’t understand how they’re starting to try to open up things, as much as people need the business,” he says. “I feel like the gravity of the situation is more important than [opening]. I’m just some guy trying to sell records and this is people’s lives.” While we all keep living our lives in this situation, don’t hesitate to seek out some rousing records to keep you company from Diabolical Records (Instagram @diabolicalrecords) and Peasantries & Pleasantries (@pleasntlyslc). CW

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Opening for Curbside on May 7!

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Hours: 12-9pm

2 0 1 3 - 2 019

MENU AVAILABLE AT abarnamedsue.com

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Highland: 3928 South Highland Dr • State: 8136 South State St 801-274-5578 801-566-3222

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24 | MAY 7, 2020

BY ERIN MOORE MORE INFO ONLINE AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

JASSER ANTIG

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Foreign Figures Getting “Nothing” Done

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If anyone knows how to keep their heads up during rocky and uncertain times, it’s pop people. And by that, I mean disciples of success, ambition and the churning out of bangers. Utah County has long been a hotbed for such artists, and Orem-based stars-on-the-rise group Foreign Figures certainly fits the description. They’ve taken the weirdness of quarantine in stride, with all the gusto of a marketing machine and all the charm of their being a foursome of handsome, talented young men. Their stream of content has changed little in the days since mid-March, first taking a show cancellation at Velour in stride before moving on to cheeky teasers about their new single “Nothing”—a name they amply punified all over their social media, and which itself contains the lyrics, “what’s this song about? Nothing at all.” Playful and upbeat, the song actually kind of gets at what a lot of us are hungry for during these endless days of quarantine: fun for fun’s sake. The group seems to have shacked up together for their own quarantine time, and at least into April were still releasing videos. Created by a band made up of members who have all been frontmen in past projects, the videos feel like watching a reality TV show, full of hijinks, charisma and the odd dramatically delivered song. Stream “Nothing” on Spotify, or their January single “King,” which is a good indicator of what their upcoming album Everything is Never as it Seems will look like.

Foreign Figures

Tony Holiday’s Porch Sessions

Local folkie-Americana soloist Tony Holiday—who typically lives the life of a nomadic musician—settled into the reality many of us have had to. For him, that meant settling into his porch. But he didn’t plan to do it alone; in mid-April he published the first of a series of Virtual Porch Sessions, a quarantine passime version of his usual IRL Porch Sessions uniting musicians all across the country, from as far east as Memphis to as far west as the Bay Area. The first session involved a pieced-together video of artists (Aki Kumar, Southern Avenue, AJ Fullerton, Victor Wainwright, Hector Anchondo, Kid Memphis, Jake Friel, Max Kaplan, Danny Banks and Holiday himself) singing parts of the fittingly-chosen “How Long” by blues artist Leroy Carr. It’s a surprisingly wellconstructed work that maintains the humble feeling of sitting out on one’s porch, in one’s yard or in the garage with the door wide open. More of these heart-warming and humble compilations are in the works, and updates can be found at Holiday’s Facebook page (facebook.com/thefrontporchsessionsusa). Upcoming acts include locals like Talia Keys and national acts like Lauren Williams, Red Casey, Whitney Shay, TK Jackson, Lindsey Beaver and Ghalia. Holiday also has an album in the works, Soul Service, out May 29—something to anticipate because, at the very least, listening and looking forward to new music is something that hasn’t changed at all during this time.

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26 | MAY 7, 2020

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REOPENING ON

KUAA’s Keeping It Up

For me, nothing calls to mind the gentle quiet of growing up in the ‘90s, preInternet, like listening to the radio in your house. While my childhood home was filled with the sounds of Top 40 pop stations that my mother loved, my taste has evolved a little as an adult. Thanks to KUAA and all their creative and resilient work, interesting music comes to my apartment featuring music from, and the voices of, locals just like me. The station has been showcasing several guest DJs lately, like Adam Tye of Diabolical Records and local musician Time Chimp, alongside their usual programming. If you’ve lost track of the days, and the word “weekend” doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, be sure not to miss the Friday show from The Sound Department, hosted by Tony Glavas and airing from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. (perfect if you’ve been experiencing quarantine insomnia). Another goodie not to miss is their 2nd Wind show, featuring what they’ve dubbed “intersectional psychedelia,” and which curates stuff from all ends of the psych, folk and experimental spectrum. It’s not just the music you should go for, either, of course. Radio is about music and community, and KUAA is working to connect us all, especially now. Whether driving in your car or listening online at home, tune in to KUAA at 99.9 FM or online at utaharts.org/ programs-and-events/kuaa-radio to get out of your head.

Racist Kramer

May’s Concerts from the Crib

Concerts from the Crib was one of the first organized attempts to get live music to the ears of SLC locals marooned in their homes, in their living rooms, on their couches—and that’s pretty much still where we are. With the success of their first run of Instagram Live shows last month, The Depot is keeping the music rolling: Another month of quar, another set of concerts to enjoy from home. This month’s schedule is peppered with a slew of great locals, kicking off with the scrappy punk rock of Racist Kramer, along with solo-ists Seth Brown and Morgan Snow, all during the first week of the month. Next up on May 8 is Sammy Brue, a young local musician who has lately risen out of his reputation as simply the most impressively young folk artist in the region, and shown himself as an artist with the talent and grit to make it to the top—and definitely out of the chaos of Corona. Local indie darlings-on-the-rise Dad Bod follow on May 10, with a solo set from Dustin Wayne of the Wayne Hoskins Band on May 11. The rest of the month features acoustic stylings from future.exboyfriend (May 15), plus Provo indie staples Brother., Irish folk-n-rockers Murphy & The Giant and the emo-rap of Utah native Phobia the Greatest. Don’t miss this chance to reconnect with some of the most entertaining acts SLC has to offer; tune in to @thedepotslc on Instagram for viewing info and times.

NATHAN SWEET

Repertory Dance Theater

RDT Keeps Us on Our Toes

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While many of us are just missing seeing live music or going out for a drink, some are surely missing the energetic act of going out for a night of dancing. I know I’m not alone in living a much more sedentary life during the pandemic, and it can be hard to find ways to stay active, entertained and spirited. Luckily, anyone who wants to get back in touch with their foot-tapping qualities can find hope in the online dance classes offered by Repertory Dance Theater. From more traditional modes of dance like ballet, jazz and hip hop, to Bollywood, modern dance

and Afro-hop, they’ve got classes at multiple skill levels and at multiple times of the day and week. These classes are obviously a great solution to the problem of physical inactivity right now, and offer a way for instructors to still have some income, as well as offering community members the chance to learn something new and move their bodies to a beat while stuck at home. The best part? Even for those being conservative in our spending right now, the classes are affordable, operating on a pay-what-you-can model friendly to all financial circumstances. So don’t wait another minute—get up and start to move, or at least let RDT help you try. Visit rdtutah.org/danceclasses.html to view class listings and register.

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MAY 7, 2020 | 27

Delivery or Curbside

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Fluid Situation

Straight Up finds a unique kind of love story in a postbinary world. BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

STRAND RELEASING

ove used to be simple: Boy meets girl. At least that’s the story a lot of people tell themselves, nostalgic for a romantic binary that never existed beyond cultural conventions. In reality, a lot of love stories were never actually love stories, because the boy should have met a boy, or the girl should have met a girl, or the “boy” was actually a girl, or the girl never really wanted to be in love with anyone. Writer/director James Sweeney’s frisky Straight Up feels like the perfect romantic comedy for a time when, finally, people seem to be figuring all that out—only to realize that the absence of simple answers comes with its own drama. Sweeney also stars as Todd, a young Los Angeles man with anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and a growing uncertainty as to whether he’s actually gay or not, since he’s never had sex with a man and has a profound aversion to bodily fluids. In classic rom-com meet-cute fashion, he befriends Rory (Katie Findlay), a struggling actor who seems to be his soulmate even though she’s (gasp!) a woman, and the two soon become a couple. But what does “happily ever after” look like when wanting the same things in the living room doesn’t necessarily mean wanting the same things in the bedroom? Sweeney fills his screenplay with rat-atat dialogue exchanges, as Todd and Rory bounce off of one another’s live-wire intellects with terrific chemistry, whether they’re having fun together or fighting to-

gether. It’s one of those screenplays that can seem a bit frustrating because all the characters talk with the same mile-a-minute hyper-literacy, but the terrific supporting cast—including Dana Drori as Todd’s libidinous model gal-pal, and Betsy Brandt and Randall Park as Todd’s parents— doesn’t allow for much downtime to worry about such details between the laughs. The real focus is on the central relationship, though, and Sweeney strikes a surprisingly sharp balance between playfulness and emotional curiosity. While Todd occasionally feels like a sexually-fluid interpretation of the circa-1970s on-screen Woody Allen persona, Sweeney manages to convey the frustration of someone who wants simple answers for whether he’s gay, or bi, or asexual, or—as he says to his therapist—“what if I’m none of the above?” And Findlay provides an effervescent counterpoint as Rory tries to answer for herself whether Todd is capable of giving her everything she needs from a relationship. Perhaps Straight Up’s most interesting angle is, in a roundabout way, posing the question, “what if nobody can give you everything you need from a relationship, and

SLC

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28 | MAY 7, 2020

CINEMA

FILM REVIEW

g yo u! We lo ok fo rw ard to se ein ta ils . Plea se ch ec k ba ck fo r de • BREWVIES.COM •

STRAIGHT UP

ttt James Sweeney Katie Findlay Dana Drori Not Rated At SLFSatHome.org ALSO NEW THIS WEEK THE DOG DOC BBB [SLFSatHome on May 8]

At a time when we’re all emotionally fragile, it’s hard to know whether this movie is particularly appealing because it features a lot of good doggies, or particularly upset-

Katie Findlay and James Sweeney in Straight Up

ting because those good doggies are facing medical crises. Ostensibly, the subject here isn’t those companion animals, but the doctor trying to help them: Dr. Marty Goldstein, a New York-based veterinarian who combines conventional methods with more controversial treatments like herbal supplements, cryogenically freezing cancerous tumors and offering intravenous vitamin C. Director Cindy Meehl plays fair enough with Dr. Goldstein that the film doesn’t present him as a miracleworker; not all of his patients have positive outcomes, and those who might be upset by animals in trouble should consider their viewing carefully. But it’s still an interesting profile of the doctor and his staff, whose commitment to their patients includes a lot of treatments scoffed at by the medical establishment. The Dog Doc certainly serves as an endorsement of a holistic approach to veterinary care, and while it doesn’t challenge Dr. Goldstein’s methods, it sure gives an emotional punch to anecdotal evidence. (NR) CW

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you have to figure out what matters most in a soulmate?” It’s satisfying enough to find a comedy that keeps the smiles coming. This one also pokes around in unfamiliar territory for cinematic romance, capturing a world of people trying to understand where they belong on a messy, ever-evolving spectrum that includes sexuality, deep friendship and the simple closeness conveyed in the question, “Can I hold your hand?”

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B R E Z S N Y

Go to realastrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) According to Aries author and mythologist Joseph Campbell, “The quest for fire occurred not because anyone knew what the practical uses for fire would be, but because it was fascinating.” He was referring to our early human ancestors, and how they stumbled upon a valuable addition to their culture because they were curious about a powerful phenomenon, not because they knew it would ultimately be so valuable. I invite you to be guided by a similar principle in the coming weeks, Aries. Unforeseen benefits may emerge during your investigation into flows and bursts that captivate your imagination. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) “The future belongs to those who see possibilities before they become obvious,” says businessperson and entrepreneur John Sculley. You Tauruses aren’t renowned for such foresight. It’s more likely to belong to Aries and Sagittarius people. Your tribe is more likely to specialize in doing the good work that turns others’ bright visions into practical realities. But this Year of the Coronavirus could be an exception to the general rule. In the past three months as well as in the next six months, many of you Bulls have been and will continue to be catching glimpses of interesting possibilities before they become obvious. Give yourself credit for this knack. Be alert for what it reveals. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) For 148 uninterrupted years, American militias and the American army waged a series of wars against the native peoples who lived on the continent before Europeans came. There were more than 70 conflicts that lasted from 1776 until 1924. If there is any longterm struggle or strife that even mildly resembles that situation in your own personal life, our Global Healing Crisis is a favorable time to call a truce and cultivate peace. Start now! It’s a ripe and propitious time to end hostilities that have gone on too long.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The 16-century mystic nun Saint Teresa of Avila was renowned for being overcome with rapture during her spiritual devotions. At times, she experienced such profound bliss through her union with God that she levitated off the ground. “Any real ecstasy is a sign you are moving in the right direction,” she wrote. I hope that you will be periodically moving in that direction yourself during the coming weeks, Capricorn. Although it may seem odd advice to receive during our Global Healing Crisis, I really believe you should make appointments with euphoria, delight and enchantment. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Grammy-winning musician and composer Pharrell Williams has expertise in the creative process. “If someone asks me what inspires me,” he testifies, “I always say, ‘That which is missing.’” According to my understanding of the astrological omens, you would benefit from making that your motto in the coming weeks. Our Global Healing Crisis is a favorable time to discover what’s absent or empty or blank about your life, and then learn all you can from exploring it. I think you’ll be glad to be shown what you didn’t consciously realize was lost, omitted or lacking. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) “I am doing my best to not become a museum of myself,” declares poet Natalie Diaz. I think she means that she wants to avoid defining herself entirely by her past. She is exploring tricks that will help her keep from relying so much on her old accomplishments that she neglects to keep growing. Her goal is to be free of her history, not to be weighed down and limited by it. These would be worthy goals for you to work on in the coming weeks, Pisces. What would your first step be?

MAY 7, 2020 | 29

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Last year the Baltimore Museum of Art announced it would acquire works exclusively from women artists in 2020. A male art critic complained, “That’s unfair to male artists.” Here’s my reply: Among major permanent art collections in the U.S. and Europe, the work of women makes up 5% of the total. So, what the Baltimore Museum did is a righteous attempt to rectify the existing excess. It’s a just and fair way to address an unhealthy imbalance. In accordance with current omens and necessities, Virgo, I encourage you to perform a comparable correction in your personal sphere.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) “It’s always too early to quit,” wrote author Norman Vincent Peale. We should put his words into perspective, though. He preached “the power of positive thinking.” He was relentless in his insistence that we can and should transcend discouragement and disappointment. So, we should consider the possibility that he was overly enthusiastic in his implication that we should never give up. What do you think, Sagittarius? I’m guessing this will be an important question for you to consider in the coming weeks. It may be time to reevaluate your previous thoughts on the matter and come up with a fresh perspective. For example, maybe it’s right to give up on one project if it enables you to persevere in another.

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LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) “Fortune resists half-hearted prayers,” wrote the poet Ovid more than 2,000 years ago. I will add that Fortune also resists poorly formulated intentions, feeble vows and sketchy plans— especially now, during an historical turning point when the world is undergoing massive transformations. Luckily, I don’t see those lapses being problems for you in the coming weeks, Leo. According to my analysis, you’re primed to be clear and precise. Your willpower should be working with lucid grace. You’ll have an enhanced ability to assess your assets and make smart plans for how to use them.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Aphorist Aaron Haspel writes, “The less you are contradicted, the stupider you become. The more powerful you become, the less you are contradicted.” Let’s discuss how this counsel might be useful to you in the coming weeks. First of all, I suspect you will be countered and challenged more than usual, which will offer you rich opportunities to become smarter. Secondly, I believe you will become more powerful as long as you don’t try to stop or discourage the influences that contradict you. In other words, you’ll grow your personal authority and influence to the degree that you welcome opinions and perspectives that are not identical to yours.

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CANCER (June 21-July 22) Novelist Marcel Proust was a sensitive, dreamy, emotional, self-protective, creative Cancerian. That may explain why he wasn’t a good soldier. During his service in the French army, he was ranked 73rd in a squad of 74. On the other hand, his majestically intricate seven-volume novel In Search of Lost Time is a masterpiece—one of the 20th century’s most influential literary works. In evaluating his success as a human being, should we emphasize his poor military performance and downplay his literary output? Of course not! Likewise, Cancerian, in the coming weeks, I’d like to see you devote vigorous energy to appreciating what you do best and no energy at all to worrying about your inadequacies.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In the course of my life, I’ve met many sharp thinkers with advanced degrees from fine universities—who are nonetheless stunted in their emotional intelligence. They may quote Shakespeare and discourse on quantum physics and explain the difference between the philosophies of Kant and Hegel, and yet have less skill in understanding the inner workings of human beings or in creating vibrant intimate relationships. Yet, most of these folks are not extreme outliers. I’ve found that virtually all of us are smarter in our heads than we are in our hearts. The good news, Libra, is that our current Global Healing Crisis is an excellent time for you to play catch up. Do what poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti suggests: “Make your mind learn its way around the heart.”

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DOWN

BY DAVID LEVINSON WILK

ACROSS

1. GQ or O 2. Top prize in los Juegos Olímpicos 3. Glacial chamber 4. Overhaul 5. Part of ETA: Abbr. 6. Spill the ____ (gossip) 7. Demolish 8. On ____ (trying to lose) 9. Green with the 2010 hit “Forget You” 10. Blunder

Microtransit Is Here

11. Duds 12. Indicate, as with one’s finger 13. Gallery event 18. ____ kebab 22. Severely injure 23. %: Abbr. 24. “Well, ____-di-dah!” 25. 1984 hit with the lyric “Have a banana, have a whole bunch” 26. Loading zone 28. Donovan of “Clueless” 31. Some poker payments 34. Steer clear of 35. Veep under Nixon 37. “____ cannot be!” 38. Hauler’s charges 39. National anthem adopted in 1980 40. Gets really angry 41. Ye ____ Shoppe 43. Dog that needs a muzzle, say 44. Owies 45. Palindromic animal 46. ____ Vashem, Israel’s Holocaust memorial 51. University of Maine

town 52. Lacking grace 54. “We’re ____ see the Wizard ...” 57. Hoops grp. since 1996 60. Tommy’s kid brother on “Rugrats” 61. Under the weather 62. “As if!” 63. 2019 World Series champ 64. Sample

Last week’s answers

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

DOWN

URBAN L I V I N

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Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

1. “Surely you don’t mean me!?” 4. Wearying routine 11. Therapists’ org. 14. Jump shot’s path 15. Nook, e.g. 16. “____ favor” 17. Repeated cry in a 1973 fight 19. Ball ____ (play area) 20. City with two MLB teams 21. Wriggly reef resident 22. Operates, as a booth 23. Like cornrows 27. Having no illusions or pretensions 29. Cleveland NBAers 30. Bronx-born congresswoman, familiarly 32. Be dishonest with 33. Oktoberfest exclamation 35. Set overly easy goals 36. NFL team mentioned in the lyrics of Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts” 38. As well 42. PBS series that jumped to the big screen in 2019 47. Orbicularis ____ (eyelid-closing muscle) 48. “Sprechen ____ Deutsch?” 49. “Field of Dreams” locale 50. Popular yoga pose 53. Like some sloths 55. Actress Hathaway 56. Like sashimi 58. 2/ 59. Oxygen, for one 60. Annoyed moviegoer’s shout ... or what 17-, 27-, 33-, 42- and 50-Across all lack 65. Ending with “umich.” 66. Image in a psychoanalysis test 67. Boating blade 68. Weaken 69. Not about to betray 70. Snorters’ quarters

SUDOKU

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30 | MAY 7, 2020

CROSSWORD PUZZLE

he real estate industry is considered an essential service under county health orders since COVID-19 struck. I’ve been able to leave our home and go to the office for paperwork, close escrows for buyers and sellers and show homes (virtually, usually). While car traffic out on the roads is light, it’s interesting to see how many are speeding on Interstate 15. I find myself in the fast lane and soon realize even I am speeding, going 90 mph because I’m not paying attention and just going with the flow. Slow the F down! I’ve noticed that there are fewer cars attached to Trax trains yet UTA is still getting people where they need to go. Bus and train drivers are part of the huge group of unsung pandemic heroes working to keep our transportation system going. Sure, the schedules may be different with fewer options, but you will eventually get to your destination. Uber and Lyft are working as are cab and limo drivers. My go-to taxi company, Ute, told me that many of their drivers have kids at home or are older and therefore can’t drive, and unfortunately, many haven’t been able to get unemployment benefits. You don’t see these transportation services on the road because most of us have been staying at home these past weeks, but as regulations loosen, we’ll be calling them again for rides. One alternative to moving people around town is an experimental program offered by UTA. And assuming UTA approves it at its November planning meeting, “microtransit” may become a permanent fit for public transportation. This minivan option offers shared rides along the southern end of the Wasatch Front for the same price as a bus ticket. Ridership for all service providers—public and private—has dropped as much as freeway traffic has. Given that fact, it’s a good time for UTA to be working out the potential bugs of getting people to and fro. To request microtransit, you use a smart phone app (UTA on demand) to request a ride, or you can phone in from a landline. They’ve partnered with the demand rider sharer Via to connect multiple riders who are heading in the same direction. They then share a Mercedes Benz van that saves riders money and provides more transportation options. Once you book the ride, the app or agent on the landline will let you know where the van will meet you. The point is to get riders to and from Trax or Frontrunner stations to areas where bus service is limited. It’s a pilot program that other large cities are also trying, and so far, people seem to like the option. Just like Uber and Lyft, you can rate your ride from 0-5 while the program is being tested. For more information, go to RideUtah.com/serv ices/UTA-on-Demand-byVia or phone 385-217-8191. Yes, their drivers wear masks, and they are not cramming six people into a van at this time due to socialdistancing recommendations.n Content is prepared expressly for Community and is not endorsed by City Weekly staff.

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The Entrepreneurial Spirit At the Peace N Peas Farm in Indian Trail, North Carolina, owners Francie and Mark Dunlap have launched a new career for their 8-year-old mini donkey, Mambo, and their other horses. For $50, Mambo, Eddie, Zeus or other animals will make a 10-minute guest appearance to liven up your next videoconference, the Charlotte Observer reported. You can even give the fourlegged interloper the on-screen name of a regular attendee: For instance, Zeus might become Paul, the guy who asks too many questions. The Dunlaps also arrange for their animals to visit classrooms or happy hours.

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Reports of My Death Cancer patient Gladys Rodriguez Duarte, 50, was rushed to a clinic in Coronel Oviedo, Paraguay, on April 11, after her blood pressure shot up, according to the Paraguay National Police. Two hours later, Dr. Heriberto Vera declared her dead and shared the news with Duarte’s family, but her daughter, Sandra, later told local media, “He assumed she was dead and ... they disconnected her and passed her off to the funeral home.” The Daily Mail reported that funeral directors told investigators they were shocked to find she was breathing and moving around inside the body bag at the funeral home. Duarte was immediately transferred to another hospital for observation.

Ignorance Was Bliss Elena Manighetti and Ryan Osborne, formerly of Manchester, England, followed their dream and have been sailing around the world on their boat since 2017. They were en route from the Canary Islands to the Caribbean, where they planned to dock on a small island in mid-March, but were surprised to discover the island’s borders were closed because of a worldwide pandemic. “In February, we’d heard there was a virus in China, but ... we had figured by the time we got to the Caribbean in 25 days it would all be over,” Elena told the BBC. The couple had told friends and family they didn’t want to hear any bad news, but Elena is from the hard-hit Lombardy region of Italy and has since caught up with her family. “It’s a very macabre picture at home, there are no more coffins, no more cemetery space. ... My family is thankfully safe ... but people we’ve known for years have died,” Elena said. The couple was eventually able to dock in Saint Vincent, and they hope to head north before hurricane season starts in June. “We’re sandwiched between the hurricane season and the virus,” Elena said. Numbers Game Doriana Fontanella contacted KDVR in Denver to report that she’s been inundated with phone calls recently, and she suspects she know why: Her mobile phone number is just one digit off Colorado’s fax number for the Department of Labor and Employment, where people are trying to send applications for unemployment claims. “There’s a real need out there, and I needed to let people know that I’m not the one they want,” Fontanella told the station’s Problem Solvers team. “I see on the news they’re saying they can’t get any response from unemployment, and I think that’s because they’re not getting the right number.” Inexplicable Ethan Palazzo, 30, of Collingswood, New Jersey, was arrested by police in Old Forge, who found him naked inside a local funeral home on April 11. According to a criminal complaint, Palazzo allegedly broke into the Thomas P. Kearney Funeral Home around 8 p.m., then rummaged through the facility’s chemical closet and left a cold bottle of beer in a display casket. The Citizens’ Voice reported Palazzo smelled of alcohol and declined to give police a motive for his trespassing; he was charged with burglary, criminal trespass and criminal mischief.

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n The Washington Examiner reported on April 21 that some people appear to be spending their coronavirus stimulus checks on another kind of stimulation. The adult live model site Cams. com says it has seen a surge in traffic. “Since April 13, we’ve seen a 22% uptick in traffic to our livestreaming site, and tips to our models have increased by 40%,” said Gunner Taylor, director of strategic development for FriendFinder Networks, of which Cams.com is a part. Traffic from Washington state is up 204%, and it’s up 83% in Illinois, but it’s down in Washington, D.C., by 29%.

The Continuing Crisis Geauga County (Ohio) Sheriff Scott Hildenbrand told WJW his office was called to break up a large party of Amish late on April 18 in Huntsburg Township. “When we got there, there was a barn full of people, and some of them ran,” he said. One partier was arrested for disorderly conduct, two were charged with underage drinking and another was issued a summons for violating the state’s stay-at-home order, according to the sheriff. “We won’t tolerate this,” Hildenbrand said, “and we have to keep everybody safe.” Amish people are reportedly continuing to gather in large groups, and the county health commissioner has sent a letter to Amish bishops about an increase in COVID-19 cases in that community. NOT COVID-19 An unnamed 22-year-old Chinese woman has spent the last 14 years trying to discover the cause of her persistent cough, which started when she suffered a serious fit of coughing as a child, Oddity Central reported on April 22. Over the years, she has been misdiagnosed numerous times, but as she recently prepared for an unrelated surgery, the mystery was solved. Dr. Wang Jiyong at Guangzhou University of Chinese Medicine ordered CT scans that revealed a foreign object in her right lung that turned out to be a chicken bone fragment just over half an inch long. Doctors said she had probably inhaled it at 8 years old, when the coughing started.

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Police Report Early on the morning of April 15, an unidentified driver smashed his yellow Mustang into a fence in unincorporated Marin County, California, KPIX reported. California Highway Patrol Officer Andrew Barclay later recounted what followed: The driver tried to back out of the fence, but failed to realize he was in drive and crashed through a home instead. The homeowner came out to investigate and, noting the driver’s impaired state, removed the keys from the Mustang and returned inside to call police. The driver then discovered the keys inside the homeowner’s Toyota and tried to make his getaway, Barclay said, but he shifted the car into drive and barreled through the house once more, coming to rest alongside his Mustang. When the homeowner again tried to take the keys away, the driver allegedly hit him repeatedly, causing major injuries. CHP arrested the driver for suspicion of DUI involving drugs, battery and theft of a vehicle. Bright Ideas n Many hospital workers are self-isolating to keep their families safe from COVID-19 exposure, but Corpus Christi, Texas, emergency room doctor Jason Barnes, 39, is taking a novel approach: He’s moved into his kids’ treehouse in his backyard. Barnes told the Caller Times on April 20 that he’s lived in the treehouse for about three weeks. If he needs something, he’ll shout down to the kids or call the house. “(T)he Wi-Fi reaches the treehouse, so I have my laptop and my own little command center here,” Barnes said. He uses a camping toilet with disposable bags, and he either showers at the hospital or “my oldest son will rig up a water hose. ... Luckily, my fence is pretty tall.” As for when he can re-enter the house, Barnes said, “We’re always looking at the CDC and Gov. Greg Abbott’s decision, but the final determinator is the wife.”

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