My Story

Editor’s Note: “My Story” is a first-person column OR a Q&A feature of a New Albany community member that centers on health. Have a story to share? Email bklein@cityscenemediagroup.com. Submissions should be no more than 1,000 words.

Coping with Trauma

Firefighter overcomes mental health struggles

Shawn Stauffer is a Plain Township firefighter. He shared his struggles with mental illnesses with Healthy New Albany. He’s now a mental health advocate for first responders. This interview was edited for clarity and space.

Heathy New Albany: What made you interested in being a firefighter?

Shawn Stauffer:

The service kind of runs in my family. We have a few in the military, a few in the fire service. I’ve always just kind of been around that. Right when I got out of high school, I got talked into going to college for a year, even though I wanted to go to fire school instead, but I went through regular schooling and it was kind of like, what am I doing here? You know, taking English, chemistry, stuff like that.

And I (had) taken the Columbus fire civil service test, (and) I was kind of waiting on that (to) see what happened there. (I) was going to school but then, like I said, I decided to just go on my own through schooling because I knew that’s what I (wanted) to do. I’m a guy where I like that, it’s not the same thing every day. I’m always on the move, which is exactly what this job is.

HNA: Did you struggle with mental health before becoming a firefighter?

SS: Over the course of time, getting older and getting on your own and dealing with stuff on your own, (and) there’s a family history down my line that struggled with mental health, anxiety and depression, stuff like that. So, I guess I’d probably have a little predisposition of it already. I would say even five, six, seven, 10 years ago, I didn’t know that, but then just the impact of this job and the bigger stuff we’re put through.

HNA: Which mental health disorders did you struggle with?

SS: I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression – the big ones – and diagnosed with PTSD and suicidal ideations. I was getting to that point where you’ve got to deal with everything. If we were going to get into the substance stuff at all, I don’t know if you want to call it self-diagnosis or whatever, but I was a functioning alcoholic. I look at the substance stuff as more of a coping mechanism for me, trying to get over the mental health issues. Shawn Stauffer

If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Stauffer and his wife, Marisa Stauffer.

HNA: How long did you struggle with mental health before seeking help?

SS: A positive side to this story was early recognition. It started to affect a bunch of stuff in my life drastically, but I don’t have a red ribbon to tie around my whole story. I don’t have any rock bottom story.

So I kind of caught it early. I probably know for interviews and timelines and stuff like that it’s good information to have, but I don’t have it. At least five years, I would say.

HNA: Did it surprise you when you started experiencing suicidal ideation?

SS: What was scary about it – and it is really weird when you think about it – is I’m so afraid of death. I would say there was never a point where I had some elaborate plan or anything like that, but the ideations and the thoughts of it being there (was) just as bad as all the therapy and stuff that I’ve been through.

Where the suicide stuff came in, I was constantly feeling like I was going to die. I was (like), I’m not going to go out that way. I’m going to go all the way that I want to. So I think that’s why those mainly came up.

HNA: How did your PTSD manifest for you?

SS: A lot of times, I would go three days without sleeping. I was afraid to go to sleep. I had the worst nightmares ever. I’m talking about waking up where I may as well be in a swimming pool when I woke up in a sweat. In my nightmares, I’m trying to jump out of the house from a second story window.

I (have co-owned) a gym on the side for 10 years. Fitness has always been my forte, even before owning a CrossFit gym. But I wasn’t even working out, which is how it also affected me that way. In my diet, I’m super clean, but during that time I would go out to eat anything and everything. It didn’t matter.

HNA: How did you tackle your mental health challenges?

SS: I had done some things as far as going to try to see a therapist. The talks never clicked with any of them. You know, I would go sit on the traditional, cliche L-shaped couch, and you’d say what you want. And it’s like, you feel like a person is looking at their watch. Like, is this guy done?

I grew up in the Catholic church. I’m not Catholic now, and so I was going to a different church so I could get right with the Lord. And so I went to a different church for some help. One day, they played some video during the service, a military guy talkings about his struggles with suicide and PTSD. The Lord was speaking to me right then.

I would say those are the first places that I look for trying to go out on my own with something.

HNA: Where do you feel like you are now on your mental health journey?

SS: I’m never content with where I’m at. I’m always working on it. I check every day, one day at a time, for what it’s worth. I don’t even concern myself with tomorrow because if I’m living for today, then how can I get better today?

That’s been going on for probably two years now … Now, I’m 952 days sober. So zero drops of alcohol. I’m going on close to a thousand days now. It’ll be three years in October.

I started to really learn how to handle all the trauma.

Brandon Klein is the editor. Feedback welcomed at bklein@ cityscenemediagroup.com.