Navigating Times of Grief & Loss

by Judy Reist

These past two years have been a time of disbelief, despair, and courage. As COVID-19 prevails and the political vitriol heightens, our country finds itself dealing with losses of great magnitude. As our culture does not address grief and loss well, many of us feel ill-equipped for the struggle ahead. Families have lost loved ones and many churches have experience diminished attendance and finances. It is easy to feel discouragement and despair.

Our family was not immune as we sheltered in place following the sudden death of our one-year-old granddaughter. We felt isolated from family members who needed support and we were also unable to access that for ourselves.

Over the next year we would also lose several dear friends, my mother with whom I could not visit in the nursing home, and our sweet golden retriever, Sage. I felt depleted of coping skills and unable to respond to the needs of others. A very wise woman who knew loss intimately advised that finding our way out of deep grief is a choice. I turned to my journal where I process my thoughts and, as I read past entries, I began to sense the goodness of God and His mercy and I renewed my trust in Him.

Throughout our country anxiety and depression rates have increased as well as suicides and substance abuse. Many report feelings of isolation and a longing for the days when life was “normal.” How do we respond to this “new normal”? What does resilience look like in the midst of despair? How do we cope?

All change brings some type of loss. We do not like change and often try to avoid the inevitable. Change often produces anxiety which goes hand in hand with depression.

We grieve the loss of the familiar and the comforting. This can manifest itself in several ways: we may worry about the future. We may become bitter, cynical, or angry. We may blame others, even God, as we look for a scapegoat for our anger. Suffering, then, leads to myriad emotions that deplete both our physical and emotional energy, drain our time, and keep us from moving forward. Anger may cloud our judgment, grow like a cancer, and destroy relationships. Anxiety and depression may immobilize us so that we lose all motivation and the ability to embrace hope. It is all too easy to stay in that emotional turmoil.

Perhaps it is time for self-examination. Do you need a new attitude or a new perspective? Are you isolating yourself, or choosing to self-medicate with food, alcohol, social media, or even shopping? Do you need to make amends with someone or restore a relationship? Are you angry with God and convinced God is punishing you? As you are honest before God ask the most challenging question: Are you reflecting Christ?

This is not to diminish loss and the need for mourning. Take time to grieve those you love. Experience the pain and depth of the loss; wrestle with the reality that your life will be forever changed. Grief will likely continue to come in “bursts” when it is least expected.

Each person experiences grief differently; there is no one “right” way to grieve. Family members may respond differently depending on their individual relationship with the deceased. And there is no time limit on grief. We may grieve the death of a loved one the rest of our lives. We do not “get over it,” we learn to live with the loss.

So how, then, do we manage this mixture of despair and uncertainty? In the darkest times of our lives, it may feel like God is silent. Be patient and wait. God loves us and while He allows things to happen, He would never harm us. In his book, God On Mute, Pete Greig (p. 191) declares that God cannot be absent. When life is difficult, we cry out to God to be airlifted out of the painful circumstances. But, more often than not, God parachutes down to join us in the chaos and turmoil of our situation. *

Choose to rejoice in the assurance of God’s protection and provision; be brave and courageous (Psalm 27:13-14). In Mark 4:35-41, the disciples were terrified when they believed their boat was sinking. Yet Jesus calmed the storm, demonstrating He is Lord even over the chaos.

Our devotional lives may seem different now as we wrestle with our feelings. Gone is that personal fable we carry from adolescence that bad things won’t happen to us or anyone we love. Yet in the midst of our pain, we feel His goodness surrounding us, calming us as we rest in His perfect love. Jeremiah offered hope to a dispersed people living in exile, grieving their past, and forced to face an uncertain future. “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).

Expect God to act and allow Him to change you. He may show up in unexpected places and in unexpected ways: a helping hand from a stranger, a call from a friend, or an amazing sunset. “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is” (Romans 12: 2, NLT). Give thanks for all that you are learning about Him. Make the decision to relinquish control.

Take care of your physical body with exercise, good nutrition and observing Sabbath rest. This will not only renew your energy, but reduce anxiety and sadness so you can be equipped to use your gifts to serve. Have a support person(s) to provide care; seek professional help if needed.

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength.” –Frederick Buechner

He comforts us, heals us, and then equips us. May we embrace all that He wants to do in our lives. May we see His goodness, feel His tender care, and experience His peace.

*Pete Greig, God on Mute, Zondervan Reflective, Grand Rapids, MI, 2020.