by Cameron Ireland

THE SEARCH FOR PASSION (OR AT LEAST BUTTER)

Cameron Ireland

Cast of Characters

Francy/Francis: Partner of Loose. Caring and doting.

Loose/Lucius: Partner of Francy. Bored and morose.

Theo:

Home:

Scene Large man, seemingly naturally odd.

A teenager. Young, but full of potential.

The outer rim of an American city, verging on suburbia.

Time

2019, at the least romantic time of year: a week before taxes must be filed.

Scene 1 (The curtain rises on a cozy apartment. From the décor, the audience can deduce that there are multiple people that live here, but one clearly does of the decoration and organization. On stage right, there is an oft-used couch designating the living area. Sitting precisely in the middle of that couch is a teenager wearing clothing that reads “HOME” in bold letters reading an encyclopedia and smiling. On stage left is a kitchenette with a small table. Sitting at the table is LOOSE, holding a mug of coffee and morosely staring at absolutely nothing. FRANCY, who always speaks as if reminiscing, is standing next to the table, humming and waiting for the toaster to finish its noble task. FRANCY is dressed in plain, but attractive clothes. For approximately 15 seconds, but certainly no longer than 30, the characters remain in this state. Then, the toaster dings and presents the fruits of its arduous labor.)

FRANCY Ah, there we go! Now our breakfast is almost ready.

(FRANCY gratefully takes the toast from the generous machine and places it on two plates. One plate is placed in front of LOOSE and the other in front of the other seat. The table is notably devoid of any toppings popularly served with toast. There is no butter, fruit, or marmalade from the East Coast. There is only silverware and toast.)

LOOSE (Sighing) You know, the three people I know at work that still eat toast won’t eat it without butter.

FRANCY Loose, you’ve said that every day this week that I’ve m ade this.

LOOSE You’ve made this every day this week.

FRANCY Only because I know how much you love it. Now go on, before it gets cold.

(FRANCY and LOOSE eat their breakfast made with love. FRANCY uses a fork and knife to cut pieces off the slice before eating them. LOOSE simply picks up the toast and eats it dispassionately. The teenager in the living area coughs a singular time.)

LOOSE So, what are you planning for today?

FRANCY Well, I thought I might redecorate the apartment. I don’t want the place to get stale, you know. LOOSE This’ll be the third time you redecorated this month. I don’t think the place is getting ripe, much less stale.

FRANCY Don’t worry, Loosey. I always make sure to keep your precious items in full view.

LOOSE (Finishing their toast, they sigh and stand.)I’m done. Thanks, Francy.

(Leaving FRANCY behind, LOOSE walks away from the table and towards a gray window. They walk past a plaque on the wall that says “TOAST EATING CHAMPION 1998”. FRANCY finishes eating and cheerfully cleans the table. LOOSE stares out the window and ponders aloud.)

LOOSE How long has every morning felt the same? Today feels exactly like any morning from months ago. I don’t hate it but I… (LOOSE lets loose a deep sigh.) I can’t keep doing this forever. (LOOSE turns away from the window and makes for the front door of the apartment. There, they don a hand-sewn scarf – made from yarn of LOOSE’s favorite color – and a cap that has been embroidered with cute toasters. Both appear to be well worn gifts.)

FRANCY (Having just finished cleaning the table.) Are you going out? I was planning to ask you to help me design my next sculpture.

LOOSE I thought you said you were redecorating.

FRANCY Well, dear, there’s twenty something hours in the day. Even putting aside a few for time with you, that’s plenty for productivity.

LOOSE (Turning away from FRANCY and towards the door.) Maybe when I get back, France. I just… really need some fresh air.

(LOOSE exits the apartment. After the door closes, the teenager looks up from their book and up at the door. Just before the lights go out on the apartment, a look of worry forms on the teenager’s face, joining the audience’s suspicions.)

(END OF SCENE)

Scene 2 (The setting changes to a nearby park. The leaves of the trees have not changed color, but LOOSE clearly prepared for cooler weather, so the audience is left confused about the time of year. The source of the confusion, LOOSE, walks out onto the stage. They walk a path around the stage, looking as sullen and dour as a child whose dinnerplate had far more celery than mac and cheese. After some time of this pouty pacing, LOOSE is startled by a loud snapping noise.)

LOOSE (Looking around) What the Hell?

(An identical noise startles LOOSE once more. In an attempt to discover its source, LOOSE peeks around a nearby tree. At the corner of the stage, a tree is moved out of the way. This reveals a large man – THEO – picking up fallen tree limbs and snapping them. LOOSE gawks at the man. He is wearing the strangest uniform LOOSE had ever seen, and a hat that clashes with it so loudly LOOSE thinks it could be audible.)

LOOSE Again, what the Hell?

(THEO snaps another limb before tossing it onto a pile of broken branches. LOOSE steps away from the tree and begins to walk in place. This brings THEO and his limbs to the center of the stage, where both LOOSE and the audience get a better look at the oddity.)

LOOSE Uh, excuse me? What are you doing over here?

THEO I’m breaking limbs, Einstein. What else am I gonna burn over the winter?

(LOOSE looks around at the green trees before answering the man.)

LOOSE Isn’t it pretty early to prep for winter? I don’t think it’s anytime soon.

THEO Oh yeah? Then why’d you dress so warmly?

(The audience also wants to know the answer to this question. LOOSE avoids it instead, creating a sigh of aggravation from the audience.)

LOOSE (Looking the large man up and down.) How about you? Do you dress like that every day?

THEO Of course not. This is for Third Thursdays, Groundhog Day, and nondescript seasonal weather.

(LOOSE is left confused by the man’s answer. As LOOSE is processing it, however, their face becomes a freshly assembled lamp. They step away from the man, shocked.)

LOOSE (Incredulous) I’m… interested in this! This isn’t boring at all! This is something new! Something exciting!

(LOOSE turns back to THEO, smiling for the first time.)

LOOSE (Excitedly) Can I… ask you maybe a weird question?

THEO (Scowling at the sudden change in behavior) I guess so.

LOOSE (Desperately) Would you… let me wear your clothes?

THEO (Caught off guard)Woah! Well, I dunno, we kinda just met so it’s kinda…

LOOSE (Assertively, closing the gap between them) C’mon, c’mon! You have to feel this too, right?

THEO All I’m feeling is your breath on my face, back up! LOOSE You gotta understand, I really need this. You’d be helping me out.

THEO Good Lord, will you leave me alone if I let you?

LOOSE (Sensing that things are going their way.) Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you say, just a one-time thing.

(THEO sighs in annoyance and strips down, leaving him in nothing but a pair of undershorts. LOOSE also removes their clothes, tossing them aside. Upon putting on THEO’s outfit, LOOSE does their best to admire themselves. THEO’s outfit does not fit LOOSE very well at all, disappointing LOOSE. After a heavy sigh and a return of LOOSE’s old frown, they remove THEO’s clothes.)

LOOSE (Dejectedly) That wasn’t nearly as good as I’d hoped. Well, whatever. The clothes that FRANCY made me fit me just fine.

THEO (Taking his clothes back and speaking sarcastically) Yeah, you’re welcome for the good time, pal. I got other stuff to do anyway.

(THEO leaves without putting his uniform back on or taking anything from his pile. LOOSE looks around for their clothes but can’t find them and begins to panic.)

LOOSE Ah, shit, c’mon!

(LOOSE looks around futilely, feeling embarrassed and indignant. Eventually, they resign the search with an agitated huff and hurry off stage.)

Scene 3 (The stage is now dimly lit. We are once again at the apartment, but it is too dark to see the inside. Outside it, at the front door, is the teenager. They are crumpled against the wall. The half-naked LOOSE appears and approaches the door slowly. They reach their hand out to it but stop before touching it.)

LOOSE What is this feeling? I should be angry right now. I lost my clothes and my chance at something new and interesting and now I’m back at my same apartment probably about to do the same things I’ve done before. So why am I … afraid?

(After another moment’s hesitation, LOOSE’s hand touches the doorknob. The moment it does, the door swings open and the apartment is flooded with a bright light. This reveals that the apartment has changed drastically. Most of the furniture and décor is gone, save for the table with the mighty toaster. At the center of the room is FRANCY, a radiant statue poised upon a raised dais. FRANCY appears to be the central source of light, and around the dais are various plates of plain toast. They are offerings to the deity of comfort and warmth.)

LOOSE (Approaching FRANCY, awestruck) You… You’re right. You’ve been right all this time. (LOOSE drops to their knees beneath FRANCY, just out of arm’s reach.)

LOOSE You were my chance. You were a steady supply of warmth to me, and I shut my eyes to it. (LOOSE bows their head) Please! If I can’t have your light anymore, can it guide me so that I’ll never forget its flavor?

(In despair, LOOSE grabs a piece of toast from the offerings in each hand before bolting out of the apartment. The teenager can no longer be found. The curtain closes, blocking FRANCY’s light from the audience as well.)

(END OF SCENE)