Now What?
We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
On the topic of technology use and children, cautions abound alongside many arguments and much peer pressure to encourage use. It is a scary time to be a parent, as we wade through the overwhelming amount of information or simply ignore it, convinced it is too much to keep up with.
Fortress or Field
Many of us have secretly wanted to put our children in a concrete fortress, where no element can touch them. In the context of technology, this can look like a total tech ban, isolating children from digital risks
and removing anything that carries potential danger. We understand, this can seem like the safest and best option. If our children don’t interact with technology, there won’t be any risks! However, while a bunker blocks threats, it also blocks light and opportunities for growth. Children eventually leave the bunker, and if they have never practiced navigating challenges, they may feel overwhelmed or fall prey to pitfalls. This model offers short-term safety, but long-term fragility.
At the other extreme, we have the open field. In this model, children are exposed to all the elements: wind, rain, drought, and pests. Parents give them unlimited access to technology, provide no content monitoring, and embrace an attitude of, “They’ll figure it out.” Without the buffer of caregiver involvement, dysregulated nervous systems are highly reactive, online rejection hits harder, and algorithmic reinforcement loops hook faster. This approach may feel easier in the short term, but it places a heavy burden on the child and increases the risk of longterm consequences.
It can be hard to have any reasonable thoughts or feelings about this when it feels so consequential and is set within the context of an ever-more-complex world. And it’s not as though we have any models for this, either. Our parents, grandparents, caregivers, aunties, uncles, teachers, and coaches—the people from whom
we learned about being adults—had never considered a world in which AI could flawlessly impersonate a human on video or someone across the world could contact our vulnerable children through a tiny computer in their pocket, all without us knowing. This is truly new territory.
Reader, that is a heavy load to carry.
Here is the hope: God made our children, and He made us, for exactly this moment. He knew about devices, social media platforms, AI, and every other technological innovation yet to come. He is not surprised, and He is not worried. He is still on the throne, still good, and still died and rose again to bring life to us and every single child in our care. Further, while each new technology raises fresh questions, the fundamental choices that enable human health remain the same.
Take a deep breath and thank Him.
A Third Way
We are not advocating extreme or destructive approaches. There is a third way: the greenhouse. The greenhouse offers structure, nurture, and protection from the elements while providing both exposure and transparency. Caregivers gradually build the child’s capacity to thrive in the wild, offering incrementally larger
access within the shelter of guidelines and boundaries. This model requires effort in the short term but builds long-term capacity, resilience, and self-governance.
In the following chapters, we will build our greenhouses together. Our goal is to equip you with tools to pray, discern, and lead your children toward a healthy relationship with technology. Each child and caregiver is different, and we need approaches that respect the unique nuances of our situations. Some of us might have older or younger children (or both), be dealing with a history of addiction or disability, or regret that our children already received devices at what we now recognize as too young an age. Some of us are worried that our children don’t have access to very basic and developmentally appropriate technology.
We see you, and you are not alone.
In a world full of sophisticated marketing and online peer pressure, it is all too easy for our ideals to be molded by what surrounds us. We must begin with what we know to be true:
1. God made each child in our care in His image, and He has a good plan and purpose for their lives.
God made each child in our care in His image, and He has a
GOOD PLAN
and purpose for their lives.
2. Many children experience early adversity, which can predispose them to negative outcomes. With the right environments and support, they can overcome obstacles and thrive.
3. Technology has the potential for great good and significant harm. Children who have experienced early adversity are more likely to engage in problematic technology use.
4. With wise guidance and clear boundaries, children who have experienced early adversity can learn to engage with technology appropriately.
We need a plan for how to grow and shape the children in our care in ways that help them develop healthy relationships with technology. That will be the focus of the rest of this book. But first, a few guiding principles.
There are no one-size-fits-all solutions in a discussion of child development, and less so in a conversation about children and technology. Our goal is not to dictate what you should do, but to give you tools to craft a plan for each child in your care. Parents and caregivers are the experts on their children, and you will be best equipped to apply the lessons in this book.
Digital technology includes both very positive and very negative forms. Video chatting with family members and live calls with friends can maintain social connections. Internet research can assist in academic pursuits. Editing photos or typing stories activates creativity networks in the brain. These purposes that require effort are much less likely to lead to addiction or problematic use.
Considering a child’s developmental stage (rather than age) is key. It is tempting to think all children in a home should have the same privileges or limits at the same ages, and certainly that can make it easier for us as caregivers. Still, children of the same age often vary in maturity. This can be especially true when they have been exposed to early adversity, disability, or separation from their biological families. When we refer to ages, consider each child’s readiness for the responsibility of a particular privilege.
Likewise, as children gain maturity, they need to have more influence in their lives. Toddlers should really have no say in how much screen time they consume. But at some point, we must train older children and youth to make decisions and bear the consequences. Over-controlling their lives may lead to sneaking or rebellion. This does not mean they should be allowed to do whatever they want, but we must consider their developmental stage when deciding on their level of involvement.
When a child is in your care, it is your responsibility to know about their digital lives. Filters, transparency, and accountability are key. If they are hesitant to show us what is on their devices, that is cause for concern and for a conversation. Owning a personal device is a privilege, not a right, and wise parents and caregivers will prioritize their child’s safety over their preferences.
Part of guiding children through today’s digital environment involves helping them understand emerging technologies, such as artificial intelligence. While there are good reasons to avoid some apps, games and websites entirely, caregivers can also use others to teach children about discernment and responsible use.
It’s Not Too Late
You may be convinced of the need to consider technology use carefully, but have already given your child a phone or other device. Do not panic. When you know better, you do better.
When children have become dependent on technology, it’s not easy to wean them off it. However, it is, indeed, possible. This process involves changing hearts and minds, which we cannot do on our own. Thankfully, the Lord is skilled in this area, and He invites us to join Him in this work of faithful cultivation.
The process of reshaping your child’s relationship with technology starts with prayer and discernment. James 1:5 says that if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach.
Ask God to give you a vision for what a healthy role for technology looks like in the lives of the children you love. Begin to engage your child in conversation about technology. You may need to confess to them that you’ve not led well in this realm. Tell them about an area where you’re planning to make changes of your own. Ask sincere questions. What do they notice about how tech use makes their brain or body feel? What are the parts they like and don’t like? How do they primarily engage with technology? They probably won’t hand you their phone to keep and tell you how grateful they are that you brought this up, but they might be more insightful than you think.
As you consider the content in the following chapters, map out the destination you hope to arrive at. Pray about it, and see what the Lord does. As an adult, you do have the authority to change your mind about your child’s access to technology. You may need to begin by reforming your own relationship with technology, and seeing how that trickles down to the children in your care. Have intentional conversations about technology’s purpose and its risks.
Be clear in your convictions, thoughtful in your conversation, and expectant of what the Lord will do!
Considerations for Children Exposed to Early Adversity
We know that the children in our care often have unique needs resulting from early-life challenges. In many cases, the strategies that support all children will benefit them as well, though sometimes requiring far greater frequency, duration, or intensity. They need the same essential ingredients as any child to flourish. However, there are situations where additional support or different boundaries are necessary both to protect children and build their capacity as they engage with technology.
The sections that follow outline data-informed strategies for helping children develop healthy technology habits. Each section will include general recommendations that apply to all children, as well as targeted guidance for children who have experienced early adversity, recognizing that these children may require extra scaffolding and attention.
KEY QUESTION
How can I protect children in my care from harm from technology use while still preparing them to navigate the real world?
CHAPTER SUMMARY
A story about an adoptive mother illustrates a common tension: the desire to protect children from hardship versus the need to help them build resilience. In the context of technology, two extremes often emerge: 1) the fortress, where children are shielded from all technology exposure, and 2) the open field, where they are left to navigate digital dangers alone. Both approaches create long-term problems. Instead, caregivers can pursue a “greenhouse” model, offering protection, structure, and gradual exposure that helps children develop wisdom and self-regulation. With prayer, discernment, and intentional guidance, caregivers can help children, especially those who have experienced early adversity, build healthy relationships with technology while growing in confidence and resilience.