Seven Insights about Foster Care From Those Who've Been There

SEVEN INSIGHTS ABOUT FOSTER CARE FROM THOSE WHO’VE BEEN THERE

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Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

- Maya Angelou

From “Not Enough” to “More Than Enough” Join a community united by our faith to achieve a shared vision of more than enough for children and families before, during, and beyond foster care in every county in the country. Find the resources and support to provide more than enough where you live by visiting: MoreThanEnoughTogether.org

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SEVEN INSIGHTS ABOUT FOSTER CARE FROM THOSE WHO’VE BEEN THERE Serving children and families well requires listening to those who know the world of foster care best: former foster youth. Here are a few key principles featuring thoughts from several guests of the Foster Movement Podcast, a limited series that connects you to encouraging and challenging insights from people who have experienced foster care.

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None of us speaks for all of us.

Current and former foster youth feel differently about a lot of things. Even as you read the insights in this document, know that all of us don’t necessarily agree with every single thing. These are simply principles and themes from many of our stories. If you want to know what each of us thinks about things, you’ll need to ask us!

How I feel about my experience today may not be how I feel about it tomorrow.

I have experienced a lot. And how I process those experiences will lead me to different conclusions at different times. Like everyone else, I am on a journey where I will encounter new things along the way. Be willing to go with me wherever it takes me.

I may have feelings about my biological family that are hard for you to understand.

It can be difficult to understand how a child could have experienced abuse and/or neglect by a parent and still love them and long to know them. However, this is the reality for many of us (though not all). I know this subject can be uncomfortable for you, and it’s tempting to avoid it. But just like you have the capacity to love more than one child (even when one of them doesn’t treat you well), I have the capacity to love more than one parent (even when they haven’t treated me well). But I might feel disloyal doing so. It helps when you reassure me that I can process these feelings without you feeling competitive or defensive.

“Well, every day they would tell me that, ‘No matter what you tell us, we will never think of you less. We will never love you any less’ . . . It was the constant reminder that I’m loved, I’m safe, and they will do anything to make sure that I’m not going anywhere else.”

– Trent Taylor

“I would just say for . . . adoptive mothers or fathers, that fear that’s associated with your child digging into their past and trying to figure out who they are, that’s the process. That fear, for one, is a lie because they can love two people . . . For me personally, I love both of my moms, but I love them very differently based on my experience with them.”

- Mercedes Russaw

“I would challenge any foster parent or prospective foster parent that I meet to say, ‘Look, you may have a kid in your house for a short amount of time and then they may be gone, and that may break your heart, but at least your heart is broken because you chose to love that child, and that impact of the time that you spent with that child will be able to carry on for who knows how long, heaven knows how long.’”

– Alex Lyons

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To hear even more encouraging and challenging insights from former foster youth, visit FosterMovementPodcast.org.

My behaviors may not make sense to you, but they would if you understood my history.

I sometimes do things that don’t make any sense. I react to things in ways that seem inappropriate. But if you knew everything there was to know about my brain, my body, and my experiences, it would all make perfect sense.

I crave a steady and consistent presence in my life.

My life has involved lots of change. That instability has shaped me deeply. So your steadiness and refusal to give up offers me something that can be healing. It may take a long time, and I may push you away at first. In fact, I may deliberately act out to test your ability to stick with me. Your faithfulness to continually show up matters far more than you know.

Whether I can articulate it or not, my siblings are a key piece of my story.

On the one hand, I might miss my siblings and be curious about them. Do they look like me? What do they know about our shared story and biological parents? And if we can’t live together, I might want your help to stay connected with them. On the other hand, my siblings may have been a source of pain—or even abuse—in my story. Regardless, it’s important to discuss the significance of sibling relationships in my life.

My story and my gifts are incredibly valuable—but how I share them is deeply personal.

As someone who has experienced foster care, there are some things about my experience I may want to share and some things I definitely don’t. Before inviting me to share my story in a public way, be sure I’ve had time to process which is which.

It’s also important to recognize that I am more than just my story. Because of my experiences, I have unique skills and gifts that can and should shape foster care policies, programs, and ministries.