An Autistic Point of View

Michael Futrell

Not all people who have autism are the same; autism has a wide variety of intensities. Those who have high-functioning autism, who seem “normal” to everyday people, are known as “Aspies” (meaning Asperger Syndrome or Asperger’s); they have autism and can do everything a “normal” person can do. Note, they still struggle with autism and understanding their autism, and they still have to fight their autistic urges every single day. High functioning Asperger’s does NOT mean EASY or any less challenging.

Autism is something a lot of people either do not understand or see as something to fear that their children will develop, and I cannot blame them for their fear. I believe autism should be respected and feared, as it can take away many experiences and drive many people away. I believe, through fear and respect, autism may find its way as a cured disability rather soon, due to these fears.

Common characteristics of autism include a high pain tolerance; those with autism may not know their own strength. People with autism have heightened and sensitive taste buds. For example, some may find a food a little spicy while those with autism may find it unbearably spicy, to the point of pain. Those with autism often hate loud noises because they sound louder to them than others; for example, a balloon popping will sound like a gunshot to them.

When under extreme stress or overstimulation, people with autism will shut down, meaning they will usually curl into a ball on the floor and not respond to anyone or anything. They will usually stay like this until they are calmed down by someone very close to them or the cause of the shutdown is gone. Causes of the shutdown could be for a number of reasons, such as overstimulation, stress, and loud noises.

Those with autism will sometimes have what’s called an “autistic meltdown,” which is very similar to a shutdown but doesn’t involve being unresponsive and stuck on the spot. Experiencing a meltdown will be more vocal, either through words or sounds, and will be extremely distressful, inducing a state of panic. People with autism will get through this, the same way they get over a shutdown.

I can go on and on about autism, but, instead, I will tell you about my life with autism. Keep in mind that this is not for you to pity me or anyone with autism. I wish to shed light on autism and what it really is and what it’s really like. I find it difficult to share my story, but I believe that, if I do, it will help others, which is the only reason I am telling my story.

Waking up

I did not really exist until I was about seven years old. Yes, I was physically born an infant, but what I mean is that my mind and soul did not fully start to be present until I was around seven. I say this because I hardly remember anything from years prior to that age. I am well aware that most people cannot remember

An Autistic Point of View

Michael Futrell

details of their life from younger years, but they still remember a decent array of memories or fun events that made a lasting effect on them. I remember nothing of those years before I was seven, except for a very few things. I recall riding in big trucks with my dad when he was a truck driver and being bullied by kids day in and day out.

I also say I did not exist until then because, sometime when I was seven, I just remember waking up. I can hardly describe the feeling I felt at that time, other than coming out of a long, deep sleep where the dreams you had were fuzzy and hard to put together. I remember for the first time feeling real, if that makes any sense at all. I was also able to feel more complex emotions and tolerate more stimuli than I was able to before.

Waking up felt good and invigorating but also horrifying. I remember crying when I woke up and actually felt truly alive and comprehended what that emotion was in full, and that was also overwhelming. I think this may be the way being born feels like; it’s the only thing I can think of to describe how it felt. Little did I know that this feeling would come to me multiple times throughout my life, each time letting me understand life and the world more; over time, I grew to love it when it happened, because that’s when I understood that it was my mind developing and beginning to understand itself and the world around me. Waking up was an expansion of my mind and was something to be happy about. I knew this because, every time I thought of something, or visited somewhere, or even watched an event that would have overwhelmed me before, I found that, after waking up, I was able to tolerate more and more and even enjoy things that overwhelmed me, bringing me joy.

I have never told anyone about these waking up moments before, because I did not know how to describe them and feared I would seem crazy; now that I fully understand them, I am happy to share them to the best of my ability, because I know it’s linked to autism somehow. And, if this description can help others better understand autism, then I am more than happy to share.

Childhood

During my childhood, my mother Amber Futrell and my great-grandmother Dorothy Evans were the only ones who truly, truly believed that I would make something of myself; everyone else had their doubts or fully rejected the idea of me being anything other than a waste.

My childhood was great, from the fuzzy details I can remember. Yes, it was filled with challenges, but it was also filled with fun, like riding with my dad in big trucks and playing with my cousins.

My childhood was also filled with trauma. Grade school was horrible! During late elementary school, I was bullied, not only by the teachers but by my fellow students as well. I remember one teacher making fun of me because I could not ride a bike due to my weak motor skills (due to autism). Her comments hurt badly. I remember her saying, “Maybe this year you’ll learn to ride a bike” out loud in class, causing everyone to laugh. That teacher was not the only one who made fun of or belittled me.

An Autistic Point of View

Michael Futrell

I remember in 8th grade there was a sub that was filling in for my regular teacher; that day, we had to take a test. My IEP plan stated I couldn’t fill out bubble sheets due to my autism and dysgraphia. I explained this to the sub, and the sub stated to me in front of the whole class that it was nothing but an excuse. At one time, my mom pulled me out of the public school to go to a better school. The school stated they had a spot for me; after the tour of the school and the class I would be in, my mom mentioned I had autism. All of a sudden, the school changed their mind, stating that they were full and a mistake had been made.

Due to my autism, I was bullied horribly. I had no friends and was made fun of because I was overly emotional. Due to being overstimulated by both physical violence and verbal assault, I began walking with my head to the ground, watching my feet as I walked to avoid looking at anyone in fear of what they would do or say if I even glanced at them. I kept this up until college. Thanks to support, I no longer look down when I walk out of fear; now, I look around normally and do not fear getting hurt.

Emotions and understanding

When I was a child, I had a horrible time understanding emotions. I experienced them, but I did not know when and where to express them. I learned what emotions I should express, and what they meant, by watching how others reacted; over time, that helped me understand the emotions I felt and how to properly show them. I remember that, every time I would feel an emotion, such as finding something funny in a movie, even though I knew I should laugh, I would wait for someone else to laugh, just to reassure me that the emotion I was feeling and expression was correct. This was, and still is, why I stay quiet around everyone. I’m studying the situation and learning how to react normally. Sometimes, watching people to learn how to handle social situations resulted in kids hating me, because they thought I was weird or wanted to fight them; I didn’t have many friends.

Friends

Since I had no friends, I was awfully lonely and sad. I would cry all the time at home by myself because of this; I knew no one liked me, which made me hate myself. To cope with my loneliness, I collected tons and tons of stuffed animals, pretending they were my friends so I would not be so lonely. They sort of made me feel safe and loved, but, deep down, I knew they were not real; it helped me for a time to at least pretend I had friends. I grew out of that years later.

I did have someone in elementary school who treated me as a friend. We would hang out during school, have friendly talks and understand one another, and stand up for one another; I came to find out it was an act. One day, after years of friendship, he invited me to his house for a sleepover; it was my very first sleepover, and I finally felt like a normal kid with an actual friend. Everything was so fun and normal during the day, but, when it was time to call it a night, instead of wearing pajamas, he wore nothing but boxers. I thought it was weird but ignored it because, after all, it was my first sleepover. I didn’t know the social

An Autistic Point of View

Michael Futrell

norms, so I thought it was normal until he tried to make me have sex with him. When I refused, even after he started begging me, he got very angry and left his room to sleep somewhere else. For years, I thought I was touched in my sleep by him, because I would not put it past him to try something like that with how upset he was. I was scared and embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know about what he said to me or what he tried to get me to do. I knew, if I told anyone, then it would get out around the school somehow, and, even though I did nothing, the bullying would just end up being worse.

After that day, I avoided him like the plague and never talked to him again. He didn’t talk to me, either, which further proved to me he never was my friend. Because of this experience, I have had a hard time trusting anyone. Every time I see anyone else’s bed or bedroom, it brings back those memories and makes me scared. Years later, when I was able to talk about it, I asked his other friends if anything like that happened to them or if he tried anything; they all said that he did, and they all distanced themselves from him.

College, my life-changing love

I was scared freshman year in college; I remember all the negative comments my past teachers and peers said: I was too stupid and autistic to amount to anything, I would always be dumb and a waste of time and energy, and many more. After the first day of college, I was so overstimulated that, when I got home, I went into an autistic shutdown. I picked myself up and pushed on, mainly out of spite, and, to my surprise, I was actually good at college. I was able to join the Honors College and a lot of honor societies, including Alpha Chi. College makes me happy, like I have never felt before. I feel as though I have a purpose and am good at something. The students and faculty at Chowan University treat me with respect and do not look down on me because of my disabilities.

I firmly believe that I would have never made it this far in college if my mother and my professors, especially the Psychology Department and Professor Vickers, who I now claim as a member of my family, hadn’t been there for me. Because of Professor Vickers, I pushed through my first year in college; she would always talk to me after class and make sure I was okay. She never talked down to me, even when she knew I had autism, and she would never push me to do things I was uncomfortable with in class. It is because of her that I have made it this far. I love her with all my heart.

The ultimate shutdown

Ever since I was little, I was depressed to the point of wanting to die all the time, but I was too much of a coward to kill myself. I tried, but I was still too frightened to make anything fatal. I was so depressed and hated myself, because others hated me. I questioned what was wrong with me. I was always so very lonely, to the point to where it hurt. I would also be in pain all the time because of my cerebral palsy. One day, I decided, since I was such a coward and could not kill myself, that I was just born to be hurt, and I deserved

An Autistic Point of View

Michael Futrell

all the pain. I would not take any medicine because I felt I deserved to feel all of it.

Because of all the amazing people I met in college and my mother, who is my biggest supporter, I overcame my sadness and realized my purpose was not to hurt and to shut down and die. I am here to help people with autism like myself; to help them overcome and understand it; to help them to not allow autism to take away their childhood and important moments in life, like it did mine. Because of this, I owe my life to Chowan University and my mother. I will forever be in their debt.

A bright path forward, thanks, and understanding

Thanks to everyone at Chowan, and my mother, I was able to overcome my autism through great effort. If not for my supporters, that effort would have been impossible.

If asked if I would want to “cure” my autism, I would say no; as much as it hurt me, it also made me the person I am now.

Thank you to my mother and father, Amber Futrell and Michael Futrell, and my college supporters and professors: Dr. Moore, Dr. Place, Dr. Parker, Dr. Doane, Dr. Alt, Professor Vickers, and Professor Todd.

And a special thanks to my three closest friends, Ginger and Glenn Jordan and Otis Hunter, Jr.

Without all of you, I would be nothing, nor would I have such hope for the future.

To the doubters and bullies

To those of you who talked down to me, insulted me and abused me, and told me I would never be anything, I have proven you wrong. Not only have I beat my odds, but I beat the odds you put against me with your mistreatment. You were wrong.

I have great accomplishments that I never thought possible.