White Nights and Rocky Roads

By Shawn Morris, Jr.

“Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”

The Soy Autor writing process was developed in collaboration with young affected by violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated.Through the process of drafting, revising, illustrating and publishing memoirs, the Authors’ Circle participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to create new life narratives.

In collaboration with:

White Nights & Rocky Roads Shawn Morris, Jr.

And when they ask you who gave you the inspiraaon to tell your story, just tell them “I AM THAT I AM.”

That's what they told me because I’ve never entered the synagogue. I’ve never stepped foot inside of the Mosque. But I had to know the truth about what the general society spoke against. Ullmately, the truth found me.

My first year of college consisted of geeng situated with my classes, geeng comfortable in my dorm and geeng to know people including my professors. I lived in a Co-Ed dorm with four floors--men on one floor and women on the other.

The first year was about seeng a reputaaon. I went to class, study sessions, parres, homecoming, players ball, etc. I also had different circles that I was in. I was geeng a fill of everyone and everything, but I was commiied to nothing.

I had friends from different fraterniies, sororiies and organizaaons. I was just being a player without commiing to anyone or anything. I guess I can say I was well liked. On campus it felt like I was transported to another world.

I was surrounded by athletes, scholars, gang bangers, fraterniies and sororiies and straight party animals. Honestly upon arriving to campus in Carbondale, IL, I wasn’t focused. The mentality that I brought to this new environment was the same mentality that applied to the “hood.”

College was more sophisscated and things were more complicated and complex. There were many circles and groups, so you had to approach everyone in an intellectual way that was ďŹ t for their culture, but at the same me, keeping your swagger. But I increasingly grew red of the status quo. Something was changing. I was changing.

My sophomore year I lived off campus. My apartment consisted of two floors, two rooms and a bathroom upstairs and one bedroom, a living room and kitchen downstairs.

I had friends over all the me. One day when they were at my crib we were smoking and shooon’ da breeze and I changed the conversaaon to talking about spirituality. I was serious but they were far from that light.

I didn’t get upset because I knew that this stuff was over their head. But I was geeng red of the small talk.

While ducking my conversaaon they would change the subject and talk about these girls that I had, girls they wanted to get up with. But in my mind I was like, “That’s all y’all want?! That ain’t nothing but a phone call. I’m on something else .They’re always going to be around.” I was red of doing the same stuff over and over again. It was weighing down on my soul.

Over me through my experiences growing up I have come to realize that human beings are naturally habitual creatures by nature and only a certain percentage of us choose to break the tradiional habits that are passed down to us. At this me in my life I came into the realizaaon that I was dierent, whether for the good or bad.

I was sworn in and ready for the ride, the journey, the adventure, the quest of exploring life. Truth be told, while in the midst of peers and college kids from all over the country and world, my observaaon was the majority searched for their happiness in external things.

Such things were ďŹ nite, but my internal genuine self was inďŹ nite; ďŹ nding forever.

I just wanted more, but I didn’t understand the door I was knocking on.

I was damn sure crazy enough to jump straight into the fire and lose everything for “the sacred feeling.” “The exclusive knowing.” But I wasn’t ready to lose my mind. I didn’t know that this was part of the deal. That test that I was invoking from the universe was totally exclusive and there was no turning back.

I just started to fade into my own world of mystery and true knowledge. For some odd reason one day in the fall during sunset before Thanksgiving break, I went to the university library. When I walked in I felt a serious vibe coming from students who were reading and working on reports for their ďŹ nals. The librarian was an elderly woman who wore her spectacles at the p of her nose, observing everything and everybody without twissng her neck.

This place was more than a library, it was a shrine with no master, a place of silence, focus and concentraaon. A place of true worship. The shelves were perfectly aligned and the books were speciďŹ cally labeled.

When I started going through the books everyone lee. Even though they were ssll around I was in a world alone, by myself. One of the books was called “The True Explanaaon of a Sufi,” which explained the mysscism and metaphysics of Islam. Reading this book put me on a different wavelength. It was like my soul talking to me. This book led me into wannng to know more about religion and spirituality in its totality. I was confused but passionate at the same me.

Many things were becoming apparent to me, but the pull of college life was ssll strong.

My roommate, me and two girls drove to Eastern Illinois University on a Friday. We were invited to one of the biggest sorority parres in the state. We all stayed at a frat house with some friends from high school and I got in touch with some people that I knew down there. So on this Friday as the sun began to set we started to ďŹ x the drinks and prepare for the girls to come over.

Me, my roommate and the girls were geeng preey wasted, which led us to go outside and walk around on these dirt roads surrounding the campus. When the girl and my roommate went back inside, I had an out of body experience.

The reality that I was around disappeared and with my own eyes I walked behind unknown men dressed in all black, channng and marching in a forest carrying a pine casket. At that moment everything felt real. But when I came back to reality, I sobered up and felt very strong and alert and headed back to the frat house.

When I arrived there were a lot of beauuful woman chilling and drinking, just having fun. And as the night passed we grew red and went up to the aac to sleep. When the morning came we went to a very good restaurant, ate breakfast and hit the road back to Carbondale.

I never mennoned my experience with any one. Since that trip I have never been the same.

When I arrived back to campus I felt the piercing light of the sun entering my body’s core causing me to feel new, reborn, and revived. I stopped parrcipaang in illegal accviies and started soul searching. I knew that God was real and that I was saved from a life of vice and that my purpose and mission on this earth was far beyond what people expected of me.

Always know while in your darkest mes you are called out of the darkest to be a light to those who are trapped in that darkest.

Someemes we travel in dierent walks of life so that we may idennfy with people from all walks of life to spread truth and awaken the lost sheep of the herd.

In 2008 February I ended up leaving school and admiing myself to Westlake Hospital in Melrose Park, IL. suering from psychosis consissng of hallucinaaons and hearing voices. The three weeks in the hospital were kind of creepy and scary. It felt like my brain had been hacked like a computer. Like someone just uploaded a scary movie into the hard wire of my psyche.

I witnessed horrific visions of chaos and terror and no maaer what medicaaon I took the visions wouldn’t go away unnl I built up the courage to quote scriptures from the bible that I didn’t even know. I just heard the silent, rapid voices speaking and when I recited these words to the doctor, I was released the next day.

The last words that I recited were, “I Am That I Am.”

My heart and soul were being cleansed, resissng corruppon and taking accountability for all the things that I have done. This was my day of reckoning and judgement, this was the end of my world, all in three weeks.

My brain had made a radical change overnight and I had to adapt to a new mind. I was being born but I ssll had debts to pay. In February of 2009 I was booked in the Cook County Department of Correccons.

While being incarcerated I have taught myself a lot and am ssll learning.

I have been studying Islam for ten years and I can relate to it all because I am now a man of knowledge.

For those who have ears to hear; remember that when the cosmic universe calls you it will use everyone and everything to wake you up.

So please do not run! Just rise and step up to the task at hand because it's never too late.

I am from the ether From the atom to the matter I am from the Cosmos Mysterious, mystical The hidden light shining in every creature I am from the first rose that bloomed Out of the concrete during the Winter Solstice I’m from ghetto royalty And business before pleasure From the matrix of my mother And the passion of my father I’m from the black magic and white garments From keep ya’ nose clean And don’t split the pole I’m from where there is no church in the wild Where true religion is found I’m from Nabiru and the Anunnakis From curds and honey, date palms and mangos From when my grandfather decided to lay bricks Teaching me how to spread the mortar I am the Captain of my Soul The Master of my Order