Scars of a Healing Man by Victor Flores

By: Victor Flores

Scars of a Healing Man

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Scars of a Healing Man Victor Flores

The greatest advice I received from my mother as a kid was to always be kind to one another but never take shit from nobody, to treat people with respect to get respect.

No matter the situation my mom always made sure we were str8 till I started getting money on my own. I started helping her with my younger brothers, providing food & clothes. I was a shorty at the time so the streets were the easy money for me. Did welfare and EBT help? Yeah. But to an extent I still needed to help my mother. Seeing her cry sometimes when we didn’t have food only made me become more ambitious with the things I did to help out. I used to sell drugs to feed my brothers.

And even though it wasn’t the brightest idea, I only wanted to help because it hurt to see them ask for an ice cream or even shoes when I knew my mom was fucked up. I remember taking all my brothers to the store this one time and the greatest thing was seeing their faces full of joy when I told them that I was buying them whatever they wanted. My mom looked at me and was shocked that I said that because she never seen it coming from me like that. I was always in the street. I was used to it already.

Living a fast life. I couldn’t let the unhappy take its way even tho I broke thru them cold nights, sleeping in cars in the hood. Hustling was a way for me to uplift their faces and put smiles where there were tears.

Desde morrito e vivido lo mas cabron en esta vida y lo que e logrado desafiar sin envorgo son los chingadazos que me a tirado por delante.

Aunque no soy perfecto tampoco digo que soy un Angel pero realisticamente me arrepiento de mis errores que mal interpetaron mi inocencia. “. . . Esto es Algo poco de me vida en un papel. . . “ As a little kid, I would say I lived through the worst shit in my life, not to mention the punches that uppercut me and put an impact on my life.

I know I’m not perfect and neither am I an angel, but realistically, I truly regret the mistakes that misunderstood my innocence as a kid that didn’t know nothing. That really messed me up.

This is a little something about my life on paper.

Only if you really knew the reality of the scars behind each one in my body, maybe you would understand a little bit more but I doubt you would understand my pain.

Let me reach deep in my heart and introduce you to the real world that left pain dripping inside that I once thought I would never get to share with you.

I’m Victor Flores born 1991 from the southside of Chicago. I’m the second oldest out of seven. Son of two immigrants who came from Guadalajara, Jalisco Mexico, chasing the American dream in the 1990s.

From LA to the southside of Chicago, from the suburbs to the city where I was born, the place where I grew up. Known to me as my childhood, the backyard of many memories.

Sincerely to those that get to read my story, I hope you understand. It’s an honor that my story makes you catch a glimpse of everything you are about to read.

As I dig my roots out to you I’m not really a bad guy, not how they paint me out to be.

I’m a great person with a big heart.

Shit sometimes I just wish society wasn’t this fucked up, but unfortunately we’re criminals in their eyes.

At 11 years old every mistake that I did I never seen it as it would cost me my life, either dead or in jail.

2001 the year that changed the world. And the year that had me look at life a totally different way. I was going through everything that nobody has seen because I thought that everything would be fun. I wish I knew that I was going to become a person I didn’t know. I would’ve ran far.

As far as I can remember, as a little kid I never understood why my parents had split, always having me and my brothers choosing who we wanted to go with like it was a decision that we had to make at the end of the day. It was something I hated with a passion because I never wanted them to go different ways.

Me and my older brother always chose to stay with my mother even though sometimes it would not go our way and things would change. It felt different and better staying with my mom. Me and my brother always had it our way, when we were not around pops.

At 11 years old, I remember my dad and mom got into a big fight and my dad told me that we was going to my uncle’s house that day.

That night I remember my dad got so drunk that by the next day he forgot we were there at my uncle’s house. I came back to my mom’s house and found out that one of my cousins had passed away. I started making bad decisions at the age of 12.

I always remember wanting to hang out with my favorite cousin Tony. I always found the way to land at my Uncle's house despite the distance. I used to take the train from downtown Chicago Union Station and meet my cousin at downtown Aurora. I never cared how far it was. We were both the same age. I was 5 days older than him. His dad was like a father figure to me. The best Uncle in the world despite my Aunt. She didn’t like the idea of me being there without my mom’s permission. She always said I was a bad influence on my cousin. That I was nothing but trouble. All I wanted was just to get away from the b-s around me and escape everything and feel. One day I remember my mom called and the way my Aunt was looking at me had me feeling anxious to my stomach to know what my mom was telling her but then after a while things changed and my Aunt actually spoke up and the words that left her mouth were something I couldn’t believe my ears. She told my mom that my Uncle and her talked about me staying there and soon I’ll be going to the same school with my cousin. I got signed up and I started going to school everyday. After school we used to

go to this candy store and buy hella chips, candy, and kick it all day in the yard talking shit to each other. Making fun of each other’s looks. He hated that I called him Tony Baloney which in fact stuck around for a while. Me and my cousin always dared each other to do the craziest shit. We used to grab jars of the hottest sauces my uncle used to make and drink them like water till our stomach hurt so bad. We used to eat this powder candy that’s called Lucas and put it on damn near everything we ate. The greatest moments were being able to live with them in their house, for my uncle to treat me like a son, and always be awesome with us. May he rest in heaven, my angel, and always know that I Miss You.

My first day in school really didn’t go well. I didn't know anybody. I went to Saint Gal school. I was new in the area. We all went outside for recess and everybody was playing baseball. That’s when I got introduced to Eddie, Jaime, and Tony.

I really didn’t know how to play but I learned by practicing every day with them, so after school I used to take my bike and meet up in the park with them.

One day we were all sitting down at the park when a crowd of older kids started walking our direction, throwing gang signs at us, telling us to drop the fork in to pick our shirt sleeves up to see if we belong to another gang.

Somebody hit me on the back of my head with a closed fist saying I was wearing the wrong colors in his hood. At that moment, I realized I was in trouble. But my instincts reacted to a different me and I hit that motherfucker so hard in the face that I thought I broke my fist.

Everything went from bad to worse. We all started fighting. My nose was bleeding like a water hose everywhere not realizing it was broke. My lip was busted. A few scars on my face, but even though the match was unfair, I felt like I won because I stood my ground.

I got home and took a shower and was just thinking in my head, “What have I gotten myself into.”

I went to sleep, and it was like nothing the next day. I woke up ready to go back to school.

My mom dropped me off by the front of the school, knowing something wasn’t right with my face. When she said que chingados te paso, meaning what the fuck happened to you? I told her I was playing ball and it hit me in my face.

I saw my friends smile, and they were saying I was crazy for hitting that kid back because he was known to be bullying kids in school.

I told them that I didn’t care because he wasn’t going to bully me. I went to class and I could feel everybody looking at me. The day went smooth in school and finished at 2:45 PM. I decided to kick it at the park with Jaime and Sophie. We was walking around the track when I seen the same kid I punched coming towards me with two more kids.

I thought to myself at that moment that it was gonna go down. But things actually went different and instead he apologized to me, saying they he knew my brother.

He reached for my hand and I see 5 dots that left me thinking what that meant because my brother had the same thing on his wrist.

I was really curious to know what them 5 dots meant, but when I asked my brother he curve me and told me not to worry about it.

As I was walking to the gas station on 53rd and Kedzie, I seen a bunch of older heads out there with nice cars and one of them was my cousin.

I remember my cousin had a white Cadillac with choppers, clean as ice. I got in the car with him and took a cruise, then he dropped me off at my house. As I was getting out of the car he told me to stay away from that area but to my ears it was like he was telling me to go back.

I was walking to my Aunt’s house one day when two older heads said it wasn’t safe around there to either turn out or get the fuck outta there.

I felt like everything and everybody was against me until I finally walked down 53rd and Troy. Where I met everybody in The Island, one of the main blocks, blocked off with no way out.At that moment the streets took a young kid by the hand and created none other than the kid I wish that never walked through that block.

All for street blocks where every bottle and every brick on the ground would be used as a weapon only because we wore different colors not knowing that those colors would fade many young lives away. I am grateful I am still here about to share my life with you guys through this Story you're about to read. This is about my experience in the past and all the main parts that made an impact to my present. A 32 year old man that made it through hard times.

First day of school was really crazy. I had a bad feeling about this from the gate I was on my way to Bogan High School, a place no one I grew up with went to. All my friends went to Gage Park or Curie High.

When I walked inside I went straight to my classes and by the time I went to lunch, things weren't running as bad as I thought, I got my food and found a seat by the corner by the lunch room. Everyone around me was laughing, talking like normal kids, hanging with their friends but then all of a sudden a fight broke off poo poa ping pow. Shit got real real quick so I got up and walked out heading to the bathroom then like five or six guys walking in right behind me gangbanging, throwing gang signs to my face, trying to swing at me. I ducked and tried to run but I didn't make it far, so I grabbed the garbage can and tossed it at them but there was too many so it didn't matter. I got my ass whooped.

I fought back the best I could. The security guards came and broke it up I slipped away and walked straight out the school, mad as f***, thinking and saying to myself I got to get them back, they just f***** up King 360. By the time I got home I wasn't as mad anymore. I felt good actually because I fought back and for some reason I love the adrenaline rush. I told my mom what happened and asked to go to Curie High School where most of my homies went; however when I got there, the security guard already knew who I was cuz I used to pick up my homies and meet up with the girls out there. The majority of the time I was the troublemaker so those guards hated everything about me and when they seen me and my mom stepping to the office they walked right in and said hell no he can't come here. B**** ass haters.

So after all that, I pretty much gave up on school. I was chasing money. I used to cut hair for all my homies and that's how I stuck around all the school kids. They invited me to all the daytime parties. Eventually I made my own parties at my friend’s mom’s crib. She used to leave at 7:00 a.m., and by 8:00 a.m., the whole place was full. We did drugs, drank hella beer and whatever came to mind. This turned out to be an everyday thing in the morning so by the afternoon we were ready to be on BS, chasing an adrenaline rush I feel when my life's in danger. One day we got into a stolen car and paid a little visit to Bogan high school. We were searching for those kids that I encountered that one time but no luck.

Things didn’t turn out well for me that day. I got arrested and was sent to Juvenile Detention Center for the first time, thinking I would never make it home again. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought because it was a mini-vacation that kept me away for my own good, a place that I can say that probably saved my life. Even though the food was nasty, we played video games and watched movies.

It felt ugly being away for the first time in my life. Only if I had a father to tell me right from wrong and correct me on the shit I was going through, maybe my wrongs would not be wrong at all. I seen my close friend get killed. I felt bullets passing centimeters away from me, ripping through my friend’s flesh. I seen plenty of my childhood friends get buried at a young age which mentally messed me up. My scars and wounds are reminders of a lifestyle I no longer seek cuz I want to live and grow to see the beauty of life transform into something that would make a difference in my life and in those that love me.

Experiencing incarceration really taught me how to elevate a strong mind to motivate myself to do better and help others to reflect on things that are good.

Only if I had a father to guide me and tell me right from wrong I’d probably be in a different place, being a better person. I was in need of a father’s love. I needed it, guidance, to show me the way to uplift me when I needed it from him.

Lonely and in desperate need for my father to tell me everything will be okay, I learned to educate myself. As I seen the years pass by and I grew, I taught myself everything I know. Growing up so fast didn’t give me a chance of really viewing everything and seeing things in life that we take for granted when I was living for the moment.

I learned to change my way of thinking. The way of expressing my love for human beings and the way my heart feels.

I no longer blame anybody for what I been through because I’m past them stages and it is something that can be fixed. My heart and mentality are growing to a better me. After so many bitter experiences, I’ve learned to take my time to change my way of living and thinking, analyzing and putting my pride to the side to be a better person, becoming wiser and ignoring negativity.

I’ve learned that everyday, no matter what it is, if you love that person with all your heart it should never go unsaid, never go without saying I love you because tomorrow is never promised.

Even though I learned the hard way, it took courage to understand myself and to love who I really am, and to let what I didn’t need in my life go. Crying in a cell without no help, without being able to run anywhere, alone behind a big metal door. Shedding tears of pain broke me and made me strong .

I asked myself to let go and change, to please help me understand the reality of me, to relive another me. The real me because I no longer yearn for what is bad for me. Even though life has taught me lessons and closed so many doors it has also opened 100 more. Moving with my life forward, becoming a great man, and striving harder and believing deep in myself to be patient with others and not take things for granted.

At age 24 I thought I met love for the first time but I was really just lost in the sauce. I dated this girl for a couple of months but things didn’t work out.

After a while we realized we were very different. She did things I didn’t need in my life. Every girl I dated after that I never took serious. Until eventually I met the woman that will forever change my life, my angel, my soulmate, the one I never thought existed. Crushing through everything, you made reality feel like it was us against everything. My life completely changed when you saved my life. I’m devoted to you in every way.

The first day I met you I couldn’t believe my eyes to see such a beautiful woman like you out of my league. The way we felt the same connection by the look in your eyes I knew I needed to have you in my life. If it wasn’t for Covid, I would have never met you.

Every day I lived I felt more motivated to seek and approach you. I don’t know if you remember me when I told you !!! Come on, let's go, I'll walk with you!!! You told me you felt safe with me. I looked you in the face and that right there.

That moment I told you that you could be mine and I could be yours and I just wasn’t wasting my time. If you only knew through all my wounds, you were that one Band-Aid that healed my scars. You are my medication, the dose I need daily.

I wanna to be the best husband you never had.

I wanna to be your best friend and never let you go.

I wanna to be everything you never had.

I wanna take you with me to see places together.

I wanna make you feel things that nobody ever made you feel.

I wanna explore the world with you and make you feel alive, share the best things in life. To love you every day and cherish every minute next to you and give you all my love.

Because everything that makes me love you the way I do and everything I feel inside grows every day unexpected. I can’t stop my feelings, the way I feel deeply for you. If I tell you that I love you I mean it, don’t doubt me the way you stole my and the way you made every inch of

me love you more and only makes me become more attached to you. Can I ever fake what’s real? Can I ever fake what we share? I don’t think my heart will allow me to. I don’t think fake consists in the way I share my truthfulness with an honest heart.

Nothing in this world can ever amount to what you’re worth because true love can’t deceive, but can be devoted to one another. I know it’s not easy when we both yearn for each other.

Shit I’m lost when my day goes by without you. I miss you more right now that I’m writing you this, but guess what baby, you’re the woman that I love with all my heart and even though we’re not by each other you’re with me every second in my mind.

Yes I love you 100 times more than yesterday. I love you because we show real love, it doesn't pretend.

Never give up.

Respect to get Respect.

Always Analyze.

Think before you act.

Love yourself.

Be Kind, Be Strong.

Victor Flores I Am From I am from Chicago Gage Park.

From brick houses and ghettoness.

I am from block parties, gunshots, tamborrazos, carne asada, Corn man.

I am from riding bikes and skateboards, Running around climbing trees.

I’m from mom and dad.

From fishing, And from tough love and gentle spirits.

I’m from do better be better, And from never give up.

I’m from God the creator.

I’m from holy cross.

From tacos, pizza, and raspas.

From me, myself.

I am from pain, scars, to triumph.

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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