Dark Clouds by Rubio-Gonzalez J.

Dark Clouds

Rubio-Gonzalez J.

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated.

Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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Dark Clouds Rubio-Gonzalez J.

The day I lost you 5 years ago February 26th 2016. You were sick the whole week prior to the

day it all happened.

You had a fever and were throwing up, mom took you to the doctor and they said everything

was okay. They didn’t see anything wrong, maybe a virus.A week went by and you were

getting better.

On the day everything happened we woke up at around 7am. We got ready for school. I was in

8th grade and you were in kindergarten.

It was cloudy outside and looked like it might rain. We got in the van with mom. I sat in the

front passenger seat and you were sitting all the way in the back.

g of it. think nothin ’t n id d e w py so u were slee o y y rl a e s a w lay down, it You went to re. s to get the te u in m 0 2 aybe al. It took m rm o n s a w l o de to scho The whole ri

When we finally got to school I got out of the car, walked inside and went to my

locker. While I was grabbing my things somebody came and told me that my mom

tried to wake you up but you wouldn’t wake up so they called an ambulance.

I couldn’t do anything or leave the building. I was sitting in Science class when my

aunt came and pulled me out of school and told me we had to go to the hospital and that everybody was there.

That’s when I knew something was wrong, why wou ld everybody be at the hospital.

When we got to the hospital I saw all my aunts and uncles in the waiting room of the hospital.

We all sat there for what felt like forever, then I heard it.

A memory that’ll haunt me until the day I die.

Momma’s scream filled every room in that hospital.

One of my aunts hugged me while I cried. When we walked out of the

hospital mom was already outside.

I ran right to her. She hugged me and cried “we lost her we lost her” we left the hospital and

went to grandma’s house, the whole family went too it felt like days went by where we all

cried all day.

As weeks passed they tried to have me talk to a psychologist. I didn’t want to, I thought I was

fine. I was completely wrong.

I was a kid thinking I knew everything.

I didn’t know how hurt, depressed, and angry I felt.

My grieving process took a while for me to get through. It took years for me to accept that

you were really gone.

It took years to let the anger go, it took me years to stop blaming your death on me

not doing something better with my life.

, X, molly, oxy’s. I just wanted to be happy.

I was taking heavy drugs trying to cope with the pain

I was killing myself trying to stay happy.

It was so much going through my head when all this

was real why would he take our baby away from us.

was going on. I was thinking if God

Why couldn’t it have been me instead. She had so much life ahead of her. I was 14 when this happened. I was a kid still growing but it fucked my head up real bad. Even now I still have crazy thoughts, I’m still very depressed 5 years later. I’m still hurting very much. I still don’t know how to cope with the pain so I get high all the time.

I’m traumatized!!

I still have a lot of bottled up emotions, I still have trouble bringing up this subject. This is

probably the most I’ve ever spoken or written on this subject.

It feels good to let these emotions out. I’ve had plenty of nights where I cried myself to

sleep. I've shed too many tears behind Ailyn.

You are really in a better place. God saved you from a very ugly very cruel world.

I still think about you like crazy. I still miss you like crazy, I still love you like crazy.

You would've been turning 11 years old if you were with us. This year is gonna be the first

year I”m not going to be able to see you on your birthday, sing, and cut a cake for you but i’m

still thinking crazy about you.

We all still love you very much. Momma, Pops our sisters even little Andrea is proud to be

your little sister.

I Am From Poem Rubio-Gonzalez J. I am from Chicago From Sunnyside and Kimball I am from the northside 60630, 17th district, albany park I am from the big blue house on the corner Throwing parties every weekend I’m from big cousins and lil cousins From Gloria and Edgar I’m from the Gonzalez’s and the Rubio’s From “You a Bad as lil boy” and “don’t do that you gone get hurt” I’m from pain and depression I’m from dark times From Mexico to Rogers Park From a house full of family sharing rooms From the city of no pity The Gunsmoke town from where the killings don’t stop Where the robbers gone rob and the System gone continue to hang us