A Look On The Inside: Written Secrets Exposed

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expanding the voices and sharing personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated.

Through the healing process of drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives

This project is the result of a partnership with Public Allies which "is a national movement committed to advancing social justice and equity by engaging and activating the leadership of all people." The 2022-2023 cohort of emerging leaders came together in Authors Circle fully ready to engage, be candid, and share their authentic selves and truths. What you hold in your hands is a result of that weekly commitment.

There is always an end product with Authors Circle, one that we celebrate in righteous fashion. However, the glory of Authors Circle is what happens in the Circle and that cannot be quantified. This compilation is our best estimation and representation of the hard work and bravery exhibited in that most cherished space. Turn the pages and enjoy.

"Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."

-African Proverb

Authors Circle is the foundation for all the work ConTextos does. It is where individuals come together in a collaborative space to co-create a community of shared experiences. This does not happen easily; this is not undertaken lightly. It is serious business to trust others and oneself enough to engage with authenticity and vulnerability.

Typically Authors Circle meets for a minimum of 12 sessions and sometimes (in CCDOC) can meet for as many as 50 sessions. The Public Allies Circle modeled a new and exciting approach to Authors Circle. We met once a week for six weeks and in that time forged the kind of transparency and connection that holds Authors Circle together. The only way for such an undertaking to be successful was through a full commitment from each Author to be present, to be open, to be candid, to be brave. Each one of these facets is part of Authors Circle Values, and I can say from my experience as a ConTextos facilitator that this Public Allies cohort exemplified those values weekly.

“Public Allies is a social justice organization committed to changing the face and practice of leadership by recruiting and training talented emerging leaders, with a passion for social impact, to create meaningful change in our community.” The emerging leaders that make up the 2022-2023 cohort were fully participatory

allowing for the establishment of a nurturing micocommunity. The Public Allies compilation is the fruit of that labor.

It was a privilege to facilitate this Authors Circle. I was humbled weekly by the collective willingness to show up as they were on a given day and share that self openly. Each entry was produced with a thoughtfulness I had the honor to witness. Read the pages of this book knowing that you are reading the voices of part of Chicago’s young leadership. Be impressed. I am.

slm, ConTextos Facilitator

POLLEN INEVITABLY TRAVELS, BUDS EVENTUALLY BLOOM.

AJ

I am from worlds behind windows and TV screensFrom Englewood and Elmwood City and afterschool neighborkid adventures.

I am from reading time imagination.

I am from suburban parks and nature trails, fear of the buzzing wildgrasses, and pavilions in stormtime.

I am from basements in progress and Kiddie Land trips, And from Old Westerns and Bill Withers lyrics.

I am from Chicago

And I am from Mercy.

From Kingsford coals and pots on the stove

From music and melody

I am from grace.

Well Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so rebellious…

Cuz you taught be how to be comfortable with my own decisions

How to think, how to choose, how to laugh off mistakes and keep going

I learned from you by listening, and more importantly, watching,

And I saw how to hold my head high and know I matter. So every time you experience this so called rebelliousness, know that it is your own teaching coming back to yourself, declaring that my voice has authority

my life has dignity and holding firm to the commitment that I will honor the inner me

Calling to my ancestors-who show a way… Roaring to break the silence, and light the way Those who can share guidance, wisdom, protections

Because they’ve travelled this world with similar characteristics

From a kindred lineage

I’d wanna hear what they’d say Distant, yet on a parallel plane

A missing plank in the floorboard, A secret stowaway place for dreams

And winged things with no place to land

Untie from the grip of dichotomy

Push pull, us them, have lack mentalities

Untether

And restart from the beginning of imagination

There’s an anchoring effect

Where suggestions plant the standard, everything else mere deviations of the original,

Weighed down by primal suggestion

This body seeks

My soul breathes

Spirit…

Reflected in nature, chemical reaction, allegory, That which calls us

To be realized in its purity and worldliness at once

MISTAKES DON’T DEFINE YOU, LESSONS DO.

ARNELLE

I am from K-Town

From double dutch and black outs

I am from fresh breath of air

I am from oxygen

I’m from Glenn and Sabrina

From Sunday funday at the movies

And from free spirited and tough love

I’m from crybaby

And from being spoiled brat

I’m from open minded and loving

I’m from The Chi

Jordan, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so wounded

Because you left without saying goodbye

Because you left me without warning

Because I have to live this life without you

Because I had to grieve and can’t get over it

Because some days are perfect and some days aren’t

Because I don’t understand why this happened

Because how do I get over this tragedy?

Because can I learn to forgive the person who did it?

Because I need to let the anger go

Because being angry doesn’t bring you back

Because I want to say I love you one last time

Because I know you aren’t coming back

COLLAGE 2023

Knowing me and you never see eye to eye

Literally like arguing with myself

We have the same face and same attitude

Never want to admit who is wrong and who is right

My daddy always say y 'all going to go crazy if something happen to one of y ’all

Never understanding why you don’t get it

Hurting my feelings and never saying sorry for it

Wondering why you are so mean and complicated

Why can we never agree on anything?

Why are you so set in your ways?

Will you ever change for me?

The fact me and you are two different people

Just because we look alike we aren’t the same person

Wish my granddaddy was here to help me understand you better

You always say he made you this way

Wish I could understand why you are so mean

I wish I could change the way you view the world

I wonder if we could ever be on the same page

I wish you could understand who I am

I wish that you wouldn’t try to change me

Accept me for who I am

Understand we are different for a reason

Yes you birth me, but I will never be you

I am my own woman

Hopefully one day you will accept that

I’m going to challenge myself

To explore new things that I couldn’t imagine

I want to give myself a chance to see something new

I want to be able to live my life to the fullest

I want to receive my degree and keep making change

I want to be a mentor for kids

I want to see black on black crime stop

I want our generation to come together

I’m going to try make change in my community

I want us to come together

I want us to change for the better

For the generations coming up

We need peace and love

DEALING HOPE WHERE MY FEET GO. bianca

I am from the low end.

From my mother’s womb and my father’s seed.

I am from 13 stories of brown, red and orange brick.

I am from the waves and oceanic blue of the lakefront, surrounded by large rocks and broken ones.

I’m from spades slamming on the cards table and oldies blasting in the air.

From rock, paper, scissors, And from walking to the corner store getting dills pickles and lemonheads with my cousins.

I’m from strength, power, and dignity, And from brown skin, hair grease and spaghetti and fish on Fridays.

I’m from ruffled lace socks, brightly colored dresses and church pews.

From bbqs, summer gatherings and piggy.

From Bubba and Clemmy.

I am from steadiness, might and potency.

Nobody, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I was so grieved. Because she was a teen.

Because she was a teen born with medical needs.

Because I was the older cousin.

Because we shared laughs, stories and secrets.

Because she was hurt.

Because she was hurt by what she couldn’t control.

Because medicine was keeping her body regulated but not her mind and soul.

Because I didn’t understand what it meant to watch her journey. Because I am here.

Because she was struggling.

Because her body grew tired.

Because my tears were my silent prayers.

Because she took her last breath after the words of “there is nothing else we can do”

Because I went to college.

Because she was buried six feet under.

Because she…

Because I live on…

COLLAGE 2023

To the traveling lump, seeking a home of permanency

From one generation to the next you appear as a mass in the breast, cervix, lungs or any other place in my people.

From one generation to the next the big “ c ’ is seeking to be a cousin.

From one generation to the next we bury our people, loved ones, and friends because big “ c ” is seeking to be a cousin.

From one generation to the next we stressin’, smokin’, seeking to make it and big “ c ” come knockin’.

From one generation to the next we wonder if another will run into big “ c ” .

From one generation to the next we trying to turn big “ c ” into that long lost cousin nobody talks about.

From one generation to the next we will the big “ c ” poisons blood with no cure but preventative measures and more toxins to kill big “ c ” .

From one generation to the next we share stories, looking at pictures of those who passed on, who lost significant weight, lost hair, lost energy because the big “ c ” seeks to choke us out.

From one generation to the next the big “ c ” hands the next of kin a bill and sometimes a death certificate and sometimes memories that no one can erase.

From one generation to the next the big “ c ” causes anxiety and leaves us wondering what would life be like without it ever being present any way.

If my feet were wings,

I would land them on every African nation I can before I take my last breath…

To see every wonder that Africa has birthed to the world.

To see every hue that exists…

To touch every texture that exists…

Including laying my eyes on the pyramids built from the ground up.

If my feet were wings,

I would stand at the door of no return seeking to return and tell of all that I’ve experienced.

And bring the healing from the land back to those who also wish their feet were wings.

Building relationships across the continent and melanated people in America, may hearts be healed and love flow with ease.

MAKE IT BETTER FOR THE NEXT.

Christina

I am from Brainerd, which nobody’s heard of unless they took the Metra

With its bungalows, two flats, apartments and the snowball man Occasional gunshots and basketball games in the yard and the alley

During #Summertimechi, Black families post “Congratulations graduate!” signs in their yards and have elaborate prom send-offs

Indiana fireworks on Juneteenth, the 4th of July and all summer long

Where Fort Dearborn stands, the school named after the place where soldiers stayed and fought to remove the Indigenous groups off their land

I am from a view of the sun and moon and a trickle of still and blinking stars

Fresh cut grass and brown grass and grass too long, my mother’s garden

I’m from Judy and Eli

From Mom cooking and Dad doing the laundry And from stubborn opinionated people

I’m from “Act like a young lady”

And from “don’t let me have to get my belt”

CHRISTINA

I’m from Black church roots with a progressive spin, open to the universe, chakra openings, smudges and joyous gay wedding receptions

Going to the alter and feeling the Spirit as we cry, sing and protest

From church plays and fashion shows, Sunday School and Jr. Church, girl scout and boy scout trips, Deacon So and So and Dr. Somebody and all the elders that are now dying out

From the Great Migration from Alabama and Mississippi where you can see all the stars and my great grandfather’s land, from freed enslaved peoples’ hopes and dreams

I’m from a late afternoon at Rush Presbyterian St. Luke Hospital in the west loop

From summertimes eating spaghetti, ribs, chicken and sausage mastered all day on the grill and left simmering in Dad’s roaster, fruit salad, potato salad, pop and Mom’s rarely made homemade cake

I’m from Grandma and the rest of the ancestors who paved the way

I’m from the Southside of Chicago where they try, but there is no other

Since no one asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry

Because we don’t get paid enough

Because those who were supposed to be the hero instead became the villain in our stories

Because we tried to warn you

Because we still get blamed for what someone else did

Because you don’t listen

Because we did so much and it’s still not enough

Because you made us feel unsafe again

Because we keep having to clean up the mess

Because we are not the maid

Because our feelings aren’t considered

Because you don’t trust us

Because we ’ re tired

Because we deserve more

Because after saying the same thing over and over again, you still don’t get it

Because our feelings matter

Because we matter

Because it’s been too much

Because you don’t have what it takes to keep us

Because no one will fully understand how much we bring and brought to the table

Because nothing ever changes again

Because you think we ’ re crazy

Because you say we ’ re crazy

Because apologies aren’t enough

Because we should be allowed to be full version of ourselves–

Angry, sad, hurt

Because we are not superwomen

Because we should be given love, light, joy, care, peace

I see you.

Even when they don’t.

I see you.

Trying hard.

They aren’t able to see you yet.

You are an enigma.

I know you wished that an explanation would have fixed it.

But they not ready.

I know you weren’t trying to cause harm

Your heart was in the right place

But even when it wasn’t, grace and love is free

But you know what they say, it’s also not cheap

We fall but what’s more important is that you get back up

Try again

Fail again

Learn and try again

This is a cold world sometimes

I hope you find peace within it

Give yourself the love and grace the world can’t

We used to have a better relationship. You supported me and I appreciated you. Somewhere along the way, something got lost. Wish I could have handled it differently But none of us is perfect

Just because we disagree doesn’t mean I don’t respect you

That’s just how I was raised–to have your own opinions and deal with things out in the open

I know you were scared. You thought I was going to take something away from you.

I just wanted you to be better. I was disappointed in how this all went down and how you handled it.

Why you don’t know this basic stuff?

Don’t get mad at me because I do. What it could have looked like. We could have been good. Now I’m just trying to figure out if I should make the effort to reach out.

I am going to create music and art and other good things growth, healing, love, justice, hope, joy and transformation on a grand scale

I am going to all continents except Antarctica because that’s too cold for me (but never say never) to experience new and beautiful places Yes, the touristy places like Eiffel Tower, safaris and pyramids but also the culture, the food, the music and the places not in the tourist guidebook

New conversations, new learnings

New sunsets and sunrises to see My happy place is by the water, feet in the sand, trees, rocks and nature surrounding me

Set intentions at every coast

More ease

More rest

More joy

More strength and flexibility

And they should say she helped create change in herself, her community and this world, tried her best to make the vision, plain

Everybody healthy, happy or joyful, or happy and joyful, whole and FREE Love! Art! Justice!

DROPPING ROCKS BEHIND, REMEMBERING MY JOURNEY.

DIAMOND

I am going to expand my horizons and live in the moment sometimes I am going to see beauty beyond where I am And go to higher heights

I’m am going to go out into the world to fulfill my purpose and utilize all that I have gained

I am going to honor the small things I have accomplished And not think that it's really nothing

I am going to leave a foot print in the sand At the places I have been

I am going to leave a legacy of love and inspiration

To my children

I am going to be great

I am going to be full of love and positivity With a beaming aura

I am going to be me unapolgetically

LEAD WITH COMPASSION, CAN’T GO WRONG.

GABRIELA

I am from the East Coast where diversity abounds, but people all keep it real. I am from the tall building on Jewel street near the tire shop and barber shop that serve as hangout spots where

I see my friends from across the street and a quick walk to the salon near my childhood corner store

I am from the parks that let me relax under its trees and allowed me to lose myself in fantasy books and have mini picnics where squirrels threatened to take my food and peace I am from Mami and papi and Mama

From my inner child who gave me a course on city life and Dominican culture on the streets of Harlem in New York and showed me how a leader serves their community

And from No Me Hable en inglés (Don’t speak English to me)

From Warmth I'm from be a leader, be the head not the tail and from stop having your heads in the clouds

I'm from a lineage of deeply spiritual women with gifts to see more than the natural eye can see

I'm from North Jersey

Gabriela, since you asked. I’ll tell you why I’m so close to anxiety

Because of your mother wound

Because of your father wound

Because you worry you’ll do this too

Because you were taught to fear

Because you often feel you don’t belong here

Because you rarely ask for stuff

Because when you do, you ’ re told you ’ re asking for too much

Because you ’ ve had to swallow fear and instead act tough

Because you fear being out of touch

Because you ’ re afraid that if you breathe

You’ll find out you still can’t feel at ease

Dear mama,

I want to thank you for all the effort you ’ ve put into loving those under your care. For having at some point raised all of us. For modeling a form of love that made me feel, seen, loved, and understood. For feeding our bodies with savory foods and souls with affection. For making the journey to this country. For pushing us to keep our native tongue intact. For being the glue that has kept our family together at the most trying of times. For your modeling of strength and loving wholeheartedly. For always creating more space in your heart for anyone I would add to my life. For the confidence that I have that although you don’t always understand how I move, you will never reject me. For how you ’ ve never doubted or made me doubt my greatness. For how I’m only a call away from a compassionate response from an informal coach. How you praise the leader in me. Thank you for being my mirror. I am so much like you in both the bad and the good. From the strong desire to promote and protect my loved ones. The way I often lose myself in my community. The way I suppress my own desires and dreams to not tarnish the image of a giver. The fear of failing to love well, the one thing we feel we ’ re

good at. The ways we do a lot in an attempt to earn love. The way we confuse being needed with being loved. The way we rage against the limitations of our body because of the imbalance of our spirit being too strong. The way we ’ re stubborn. The way we have the utmost belief in others in being successful and happy while feeling it’s a vision to only be gazed at for ourselves. The way we give amazing advice to others, but don’t take it for ourselves.

Many have asked much of us. And we ’ ve given everything. What I want for us in this stage of our journey is to dive deep into our healing. Forgiving those who couldn’t nurture us the way we ’ ve always longed for. Forgiving those who didn’t see our needs and always asked for more. Releasing how we wished things could have been and how they will never be. Releasing the overwhelming compulsion to cover everyone ’ s needs. Embracing the heart that desires for everyone to be covered. Embracing the opportunity to give the gift of being a giver to another. Making room for personal plans and practices of play. And in the midst of so much giving, allowing for room to take. The world is warmer, brighter, and less scary for many because of us. It's time to embrace our inner child and tell her she’s more than enough.

I am going to travel countries foreign to me and live in one for some time

I’m going to be successful in holding on to the vision of humanity seeing mirrors for embrace and expansion in one another

But to do that I have to take part in creating the life I know can exist. I’m going to make plans to see what I want to see

I’m going to develop a healthy relationship with my ego & inner child. Live in my lavender aura

I’m going to leave a legacy of hope, love, and inviting others to embrace the parts of themselves that are easy and the ones they look at in horror

THROUGH THE FIRE, MADE IT RAIN.

I am from Humboldt Park, from 13th, and the couch.

I’m from finding where I belong, listening to quick music and learning new things.

From block club parties, basketball games and silent praises and my 8 living room couches.

I am from the smell of spices, loss of ear drums and seeing people dance into the night.

I am from the tree

No one knows the complete make of the base, but it grows branches of new life long skills and lessons everyday.

I’m from Billy and Candy

From freedom of speech and Ass whooppings

And from challenges and praise

I’m from “it’s hard, but you can do it”

And “if you don’t want to, you don’t have to”

I’m from God and a sense of self

I’m from the west side

From chicken and Sweets with a capital S

From Gthang and Big B

I am from Growth

Pops, since you asked, I'll tell you why I’m Successful

Because you were rarely there

Because mom picked up your slack

Because I wanted to impress

Because I wanted to be celebrated

Because I wanted to be acknowledged

Because I failed– – Repeatedly

Because I picked myself up

Because my parents ignored those moments

Because you took credit for it, BUT DID NOT HELP

Because I was angry

Because I didn't want that for me

Because I became violent

Because I didn't want to be here

Because you stepped up

Because you worked for respect

Because I finished

Because I had support

Because I and you picked me

So was I hurt? Yes,

But Because you pushed me

Because I grew

I am successful.

Dear Suga,

You're five now. You're graduating from kindergarten, and you ’ ve made new friends. You’ve grown out of your love for Barney and now you ’ re a youtube baby that loves unicorns. Dang, who would've thought we’d be born 20 years apart. I have a little sister. I have a little sister? To be honest, I’m writing this to say sorry. Not just to you, but myself.

Growing up I gave Juicy, lil daddy, and nomo the world. Anything they could possibly ask me for because I am the oldest sister. Unfortunately, although I had a decent childhood, everything wasn’t peaches and cream. I played mom for a majority of my life. I babysat all your cousins from my age down. I did laundry for all our siblings, our mom and your dad. Spent over 6 hours washing on Saturday at a smelly laundry mat and thousands of hours babysitting and cleaning unless I left to my dad's house.

None of this is your fault, it never was. I didn't receive all the emotional support I needed, so although I poured into

I was the cook, the cleaner, and the disciplinary sister/mom.

everyone, and expressed myself, unfortunately our OG couldn't change. When she said she was pregnant with you, I hated her immediately. I DID NOT want another sibling, I didn’t want you. A baby that isn't even here yet, that has done nothing to me, I didn’t want. I had just started college and never seen my mom take care of home on her own. Before me, it was our aunt Nick and j rock. The boys never had to do anything; she held them accountable for nothing, unless it was bad enough and I’d have to whoop them. I was scared for you, and I was scared for me. When you were born, you looked exactly like me tfse. I guess it's true the person that worries the mom the most while they’re pregnant, the baby takes their face. I watched you every day and stayed up all night with you on my college breaks. You became my baby, but I guess eventually I started to feel like a mom again and withdrew myself after you turned 2. Now I take you places here and there, but I never gave you a real chance to know me, besides when I bring gifts. Lol I feel like a deadbeat who only brings gifts and sees you from time to time.

I’m sorry Suga, I don’t hate you. I actually love you to the moon and back. You're the baby and I promise to step up as a sister. I love how you ' re full of character and energy. I love how our mom embraces that

spirit in you. I noticed how much she has grown and changed to become a better mom and I’m grateful you get to witness that. Maybe me stepping away was the push she needed to step up.

I received an apology from my OG, but I chose to apologize to myself too. I forgive her, I forgive me and hopefully our bond can grow from the past. So while I’m not willing to play mom anymore, I am damn sure a great sister to my siblings and now I will open up more to you.

I love you Suga!

Please forgive me as we make more memories moving forward.

I love you big baby girl, my baby sister.

I am going to travel and live comfortably. Continue to keep my word, but to myself as well this time. I'm going to see clear blue seas from the sand full of tree made homes and fruit platters. I'm going to see nature be nature. Where the trees blow and the water is still in Thailand Into the Sand storms and pyramids in Greece.

I'm going to have more life experiences and continue to grow. But to do that, I have to keep my word to me. I have to save and I have to struggle!

As bad as that may sound, I'm going to struggle. but I’m also going to grow I'm going to be happy and bring hope I'm going to live comfortably and travel the world. And after I'm gone, I'm going to leave a trail of tears and never ending hope.

I'm going to be happy more than the never ending feeling of sadness and struggle.

I am going to end my struggle!

And after I'm gone I hope everyone has faith and courage to end theirs too.

GRACE IS ALWAYS PRESENT CHOOSE IT.

John Since you asked, I'll tell you why your so full

Because you try

Because you fail

Because you listen more than you play

Because you found love in vinyl

Because you focused on finding fulfillment

Because you slept on the floor in the cold

Because you slept in the kitchen

Because you used cardboard as walls

Because God loves you

Because you love God

Because you know learning is continuous

Because flows come and leave

And you accept it

You don’t know what you don't know. Find your source and stay connected. The lazy pool takes powerful machinery. The world turns, time passes, life happens. It can be chaotic, painful, joyous or just can be. Losing John wasn't my first taste of unfairness, it was the first one I comprehended. It was my first taste of learning who I was innately and what really raised me. The paranoia, the feeling of being unprepared, the suddenness of murder. Standing in front of where you took your last breath everyday with no choice we didn’t even know empathy existed at the time. This is life keep pushing. I worked every weekend in the studio and grew a brother in C4. During that time we rarely spoke about that day. Wasn’t much to be said but plenty to be felt. That basement was where we were people, whole beings that were full and able to release. Thank you creator for making me one. I don't take it for granted. Thank you for grace, it has saved me many times. Thank you for acceptance and teaching me the foundation of that lesson in a tough way. Thank you for the music and it’s love I feel from it. Never felt anything like it and I don't want to. Thank you for the students for holding me accountable. Making me show up as myself everyday. Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for life and everything it comes with.

I am going to show people new and different things. Leave the door that shows my love open.

Hoping others would do the same.

I am going to have my house exactly the way I want it.

And use my home a a space for max efficiency

I am going to rest in more ways than one there So I can align with my purpose fully.

I am going to go to Senegal to see if I feel connected To create more trust with self

I am going to play the game like the spurs with good pace

I am going to keep the pocket maintaining tempo

TAKE A DEEP

BREATH AND LIVE.

I am from Pilsen, underneath the train tracks that kept my parents awake at night

From a place with a beautiful and unique culture and a place I can no longer call home

I am from three stories above between a maze of stairs and the floor below, in a building with family on each floor

I am from the playground down the street where screaming kids would kick a bottle around when we had no ball

I’m from mi ma y my pa

From the weekend trips to “La Garra”, buying cheese underneath the colossal plastic cow

And from humble beginnings

I’m from dreams for a better future

From “te quiero mucho mijo”

From a promise to be kept

My friend, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I try my best to stay calm

Because I didn’t like the person I was

Because I didn’t like worrying about every single trivial thing treating it like the end of the world

Because I didn’t like having a panic attack on the bus, feeling everything engulf me

Because sometimes “It is what it is” is the best advice

Because things can’t be changed and that’s okay

Because it’s okay to make mistakes

Because it is okay to learn

Almost 10 years, a decade of knowing each other.

Always mentioning how we should be able to know each other a little more. A mysterious figure, a closed book, an enigma. Just some of the labels thrown my way.

I can’t quite tell you when I started keeping everything to myself or why. It was probably a myriad of factors starting when I was younger.

Maybe it was when I kept quiet in order to avoid the mockery of when my face would turn beet red.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being asked a question you weren’t quite prepared for.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being asked to do a task you weren’t ready for.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being caught off guard. The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of an anxiety inducing moment happening.

Maybe it was when I kept quiet in order to avoid people’s displeasure. I did what I was told in order to not make a situation worse. I kept all to myself in order to not be a burden. I kept quiet in order to not annoy people with my presence.

It seems that it all stems from trying to be invisible. I’ve been doing this song and dance for many years.

I know, a bad habit, but I’m trying to learn new steps in this year long dance. So please be patient and we can get to know each other more.

I am going to be better

Better for the people looking up to me

Better for the people who see the potential in me

Better for the bright-eyed child that I once was

I want to be able to tell stories with no limitations

I want to tell big stories about the hero's journey

Or small stories from the people that we see every day

I am going to start dreaming again

No longer feel trapped in a perpetual nightmare

No longer feel fear at taking a step into the unknown

But if that fear persists, it doesn’t hurt to ask for companionship

I am going look at the stars and see the endless possibilities

And once I reach the sky, I will extend my hand and bring others with me

I am going to start living

Now let’s start by learning how to parallel park

KREATION RULES

EVERYTHING AROUND ME, INDEFINITELY.

KEMBRYA

Where I’m From?

I am from the embryonic fluid of hope. An album titled “Embrya”, turned Kembrya. From two that become one, the moon and the sun. I am from west walnut st. and broken glass, turned America’s First Class. Knowing where I come from, so I’m not better than my past. Just the birth that it had. Got the dedication and devotion to match, the necessity for a lotus to hatch. A whole soul to dispatch.

I am from tha muddy waters and sand. Down under, where you hear “fish are our friends”.

I’m from Outwest Lashawn and Koolin KO. The neighborhood auntie “the Oracle” and the rasta man with the guitar rhythms that flow. The ones who brought this baby into the world to glo. From learning how to psychoanalyze as a child, something I had learned to despise. To realizing it as one of my greatest gifts, to be wise

I came from “this baby been here before”

And yell code red when you see OG, before she even hit the door. From wearing the fubus and not the k swiss

To remembering when the k swiss was a hit The jabo jeans and the timbs. Ancient artifacts

I come from the south every summer, fall, and winter

Picking corn and sorting beans

A human gardening machine

I come from love, love of self, my family, and kommunity

From the 10 commandments and one day the trumpets will sound

I come from let’s go to the corner store, meat and cheese on the chips please

From let me get the apple lipgloss

From me and cousins sharing everything from money to dreams

I come from Chicaglo, where my purpose gone blow

I’ve grown and gone with the motions like the leaves on a willow

I know where I come from and my history means something.

-Kembrya O’Neal

A letter to Tha Most High. Thank You.

Pray you keep my mother straight.

Pray you keep my brothers brave.

Promise I will say your grace.

Pray you keep my Daddy whole.

Release every story my granny left untold. Keep me in your loving arms. Forever, you ’ re in between my palms. I pray you keep my sister's soft. With smiles that reign and mouths that talk.

Auntie’s and Uncle’s. I love you so, I pray through all the years you grow. Afterall, you ’ ve taught me things I’d never known. I’ve prayed for cousins far and wide. We came into this world alive, you came to shake and make a change. Make sure this world will never be the same.

Nieces and Nephews you are my world, you changed me from that little girl. I’m a woman now and we ’ ve got playdates to catch. Every time you see me, my purse you snatch. You know I’m always coming with the snacks. By the end of this I’ve probably spent like several stacks. But I won’t ever ask for any of it back. I pray that your life is

always full. From long car rides and food after school, keep your drive and the world is yours.

My friends, for you I pray for truth, expanded views. Homies since before “they loving the crew ” . The ones that’s new, I love you too. I promise no appreciation, overdue. Through trials and tribulations, I’m proud of you.

My foes, you get a prayer too. I pray that light will shine on you. They say hurt people, hurt people too, I’d never wish for that to be you.

To the world, to the street lights, to the mountains, to the valleys. I pray. I pray. I pray. Though I may look up at the stars and understand their monologue. I know I’ll never feel alarmed, to know my destiny’s been marked. Marked by the heart of heart’s.

Every man has a friend, this ONE must overstand. 10 toes I stand, 10 fingers on hand.A culmination of balance.

A name so sacred, there are many. You’re out of this world, not controlled by the pennies.

Though some may choose to be offended, the love you give is felt by so many. Tha love you give is in infinities.

Dedicated to Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and all the little stars.

Air.

I am going East toward truth

The first place I turn to in the morning

To call out a name beyond me

To call on those who come before me

Finding purity through all fury

Fire.

I am going South toward passion and kreativity

The expansion of inner-g to generate freely

All this light inside of me, burnt into infinities

I’ll be the one anomaly to make it out this, see (sea)…

Water.

I am going West toward abundance

Where the sun conducts its final dance, before he lets the moon in

Leading to inner reflection and direction to understand my emotions

Kreating remedies and potions for when I’m going through all of these … motions

Knowing true strength and abundance comes from within

As soon as I find grounding

Earth.

I am going North toward my kommunity and family

To school degrees and monetary security

Knowing I’m gon ’ be with the palm trees

All across them 7 seas…

I’ll wonder, wonder about the world.

How they built them pyramids and decipher all the hieroglyphs

Or The temple of Artemis

Learning what a Mausoleum is at Halicarnassus.

What about the Hanging Garden of Babylon?

Or The Myth Colossus of Rhodes we ’ re on.

I’ll see the Lighthouse of Alexandria.

And wonder what they made her for.

And the Statue of Zeus of Olympia.

I heard he made some demigods.

Realizing I am the Goddess of direction and imperfection.

Through the world I’ll learn many lessons

Learning to stomach my many reflections

And digest all that I was blessed with.

No matter where I’m going.

HOLD TIGHT YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.

Jass, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so hurt

Because you left without saying goodbye

Because we didn't have enough time together

Because you was so young and full of life

Because you showed me what a real friend looked like

Because when I had noone I had you

Because King needs you

Because it wasn't your fault

Because I’ll never get to see you again

Because I never thought I’d lose a friend

Because you wasn't ready

Because you was finally having your baby girl

Because life is unfair

“(Un)finished Business”

They say I look just like my dad with my momma eyes: and I instantly pause cause how can you deny a face that looks just like yours?! The youngest child is always spoiled, the older siblings envy them. I know you ’ re thinking who wouldn’t want to be the spotlight of attention RIGHT?.. Wrong being the youngest isn’t what everyone hypes it up to be. BEING THE YOUNGEST SUCKS! If I knew it came with an expiration of your time, then I would have jumped the line.

Plenty of times I blamed myself for your absence thinking I did something to make you not even want to give me a chance. Maybe If I was a boy then you would have stayed around, or maybe if I was your wife's child then I would have been a priority, Maybe If I just changed my appearance and wore the pretty dresses and purses then you would have treated me like the daddy’s girl that 9year-old KJay thought she needed. Just maybe huh....... I blamed everyone for your fuck up but YOU.

For years I blamed my mom for her poor choice in men for why you left, just thinking if she had just walked right past you then I wouldn’t even be in this predicament. But it wasn’t her fault you couldn’t step up to the plate

and be a man. It’s because of my mom playing both roles that I made amends with your absence. She gave me what you didn’t and that’s effort. I remember the last time I heard from you I was 22. I was so excited to hear your voice when you picked up, that little girl who longed for her father that was trapped inside of me had begun to gain hope that just maybe this could be the start of something new until the first thing you asked me for was money. Despite our history I still gave it to you. I know it sounds foolish right, I thought for once that you have got it right, but I was wrong.

I am now 26 and life is going well for me. I graduated college and am still working towards higher education. I got married to a beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally and together we started our own family. My children are the absolute best. They keep me going with their little hugs and kisses. Because of you I am a phenomenal mom. You showed me what kind of parent I never wanted to be. I vow to always be a great role model and to always show up for them no matter how BIG or small the occasion is because those are the moments that matter the most. Because of you I have decided to put me first for once....... I’m done letting U IN THIS BUSINESS IS FINISHED!!!!!!

I am going places I never imagine I’ll be Im filling up rooms that aren’t meant for people like me Im headed down a blank road creating imagery on the walls filling them with what I aspire life to be like No this journey won't be easy….

So I’m staying focused, out of mind, out of sight

I'm going places higher than the mountain peak I may get knocked down trying to get there so remembering my goal is the KEY

I'm going places and Im getting there being UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME

GRATEFULNESS IS THE KEY TO BLESSINGS. krystal

I am from the depths of the Universe, From a King and Queen.

I am Royalty.

I am from the Rivers of the Earth. I am the Sunflower that blooms Big and Strong in a dark room.

I am from Empaths and Fiery Passions. From Trials and Tribulations that turn into Triumph.

I am from Strength and Success.

I am from my Golden Red Copper Ancestors, And from Warriors of Love and Light but also Destruction.

I am from Perseverance and Peace

Dear ME, I’ll tell you why we ’ re grateful

B/C I’m healing everyday.

B/C I’m loving myself more and more.

B/C I’m finally seeing the greener grass.

B/C I’m finally degree’d.

B/C I know everything is working out for ME.

B/C I’m finally at Peace.

It already has been 23 years

23 years of just us, you and I

2 peas in a pod

23 years of getting to know you and experiencing things that makes you me

Spending every second of the day with you literally there's no escaping. It seems like just yesterday we was off to first grade. Now we all grown up getting ready to move into our first apartment. Watching you grow, flourish and change for the better has been an amazing journey.

Watching you get up everyday to make stuff happen is inspiring. I’m finally in a place where I am getting to know you more and more. Understanding your do’s and don'ts. Understanding what makes us YOU. Quality time with you is impeccable and I'm starting romanticize our time alone which is something I always feared.

That golden skin shines as bright as Krystal’s. But it's the unconditional love that I have for you which keeps me motivated day to day. The girl in the mirror.

Where am I going?

That’s a question I myself have yet still found the answer to

Understanding the meaning of life & just enjoying the journey of the unknown While understanding I have a purpose in life

My life will touch and positively influence others

Knowing I will be successful and accomplish my every goal

Being there for my friends and family are some things I honor the most

Taking care of self and loving myself through the process

As life and my journey continuing to flow

PROGRESSION, IS NEVER CONSIDERED AN FAILURE

I am from L-town Chicago ave and Long

From hooping on crates and riding bikes

I am from an three bedroom house filled with art and great tasting food

I am from powerful thunderstorms

I’m from being told be a leader not a follower

And from being told you better be in the house before the street lights come on

I’m from hope and happiness

I’m from outwest Illinois

From sweet potatoes and baked mac and cheese

From Charlie Martin and Lewis Thorpe

I am from a majestic city.

Malik, since you asked , I’ll tell you why I’m so grateful

B/c you push yourself everyday

Because you never give up on your dreams

Because you understand that no one is perfect

Because you are open to criticism

Because you learn from your mistakes

Sometimes the person you need to talk to the most is in heaven.

To watch a bond break and leave is so crazy and hurtful. Everyone has their ups and downs in life. We lose family members and relationships.

Everyone you have crossed paths with has an experience of these things too.

If you ever find yourself feeling sad, don’t. Always remember that you are in control and you have to want it as bad as you want the pain to go away.

You’ve been okay before and you will be okay again. Enjoy the the presence of your family and friends because they won't always be here with you.

I am going to be successful in life

I am going to work my hardest to become the best possible version of myself that I can be.

I will always remain humble and consistent.

One day I am going to be an business owner

I am going to put others in an position to win

One day I hope the world will become a better place And Dr. King's Dreams will become a reality.

I am going to be successful

One day I will reflect on my life as I watch the sunset from a beautiful beach in bora bora as I'm relaxing.

BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS WITH LIKE-MINDED COMMUNITY MEMBERS.

God, Since you asked, I'll tell you why I'm so optimistic

B/c for years I was drowning,

B/c I’ve never had the opportunity to change the settings to easy,

B/c sometimes I feel unheard,

B/c I didn't get a chance to finish what I started,

B/c when I’m at my lowest i’m never alone,

B/c when i’m up you keep me grounded,

B/c you are building the path as I walk it,

B/c as I walk it I see potholes and narrow streets,

B/c as I walk it I don’t see a dead end,

B/c when I walk it, you walk it with me.

Letter To Granny

Where has the time gone?

It seems like it was just yesterday, I leave school and head to west suburbs.

Everyone is here in the room, except you and you were always there. While you were battling, I was playing cards with Von and Nesha.

Not fathoming what would come to be 10 years later. Hell, there’s a few before that, but it started for me, with you. Life goes on, but time doesn’t heal every wound.

I am going to be wealthy

I will visit Christ the Redeemer

I will reflect on where I was 10 months ago

I will find the right career

But to do that I must stay resilient and humble

I’m gonna visit Egypt and gaze at the Pyramids

I'm going to continue to learn new things

I will be successful.

FLEXIBILITY

MOVE LIKE WATER IN ALL FORMS.

rosa

I am from The Village y El Barrio de las Empacadoras

From Wolcott and from Christina

I am from the streets of my community

I am from the storefronts and the street vendors

I am from neither here nor there

From darkness and loneliness

And from trauma and abuse

I'm from you'll be just like us

I'm from you do not matter

La Santa Muerte siempre me acompaña

I am from Iztapalapa . El lugar de los groseros…El barro sobre el agua.

I am from ice cold cuagamas, artesania, y cumbia

I survived thanks to the kindness of community members

I am from Rage and I am from Love

Hey Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so confused.

Because both you and pops walked away.

Because I starve for love but can't find none.

Because I found someone just like you

Because they treat me just like you

Because they love me just like you

Because I never want to be like you

Because hope made me bitter

Because love turned to rage

Because love made me lonely

Because I want us to be ok

Because I miss you

Because I would like to know you

Because I love you, mom.

Because I really don’t like you.

Because you made me who I am

Because you made me strong

Because you made me vulnerable

A mother's womb.

Most women without dads get told they got daddy issues. But I have a mother wound.

I loved my ama. I prayed to the Virgin de Guadalupe every day that she would come back for me. That was the first mother to disappoint me.

I didn't care that he didn't want me. All I wanted was my mom.

I wanted to watch scary movies with her. Go to the park, go to the mountains like we used to. Dig up treasures made by our ancestors. Swim in the ocean. Collect animals that we weren't supposed to have. Dance in our kitchen. But what I got was a drunk that forgot I existed.

She left me and didn't come back. We swam through the river and ran across a highway. Spent a week in a shed with 20 other strangers. Just for her to forget me once we were here. We came here to escape my dad. I didn't think she wanted to escape from me too.

I have spent my entire life trying to get that love back. Now I know it was not your choice. Your mom did not give you a choice. Coming to America had a price. You had to work night and day to pay it back. I was supposed to be safe with her. I mean she was your mom. We are supposed to trust moms.

She did to me what her mother did to her. Grandma left and didn't come back. You were 8 with 12 kids now. Young and old. You became a mother. She was 16 with four children when her mom came back to her.

Years later… When all hope was lost. Just like her mother… My mother returned to me. Coming here was supposed to save us. Just like Grandma left to save her life.

It destroyed her.

You aren't my mom like that. We are friends. You missed all the important moments of my life. But now it's different. You got help. You got into therapy. You don't drink as much as you used to.

You are great grama to the kids. They all love you. You even visit and call me. You even text me and send me tik toks.

All this has left me with great wounds in my heart. I found people that love me the same way you did.

But I am a mother too.

I see my Willow…. I do everything I can to not be like you. We dance in our kitchen, We watch camp movies and laugh together. We go to the park and play dress up. We give each other hugs and kisses.

My mother's womb isn't poisoned My mother wounds

Came from my mother's womb.

Im going to start my life

It always feels like I am starting my life

Always starting for the first time

Everyday I feel like i am born

Everyday I feel like i am growing

Everyday i feel like i am dying

I am going to start my life for the first time

I am going to college

I am going to start my career

I will visit my country

Swim in the ocean

Climb the mountains of my youth

I am going to start my life

I will start by healing my spirit

I will start by loving myself first

I wil start by standing strong in my boundaries

I am going to start my life for the first time.

WHEN IT FEELS SCARY, JUMP IN.

sierra

I am from a lineage of astounding Black Women,

I am from Mother of Africa,

I am from gold-melanated skin,

From Black Don’t Crack but our combs do,

I’m from Black Beauty, Black Strength, and Black Courage,

I am from Black History,

From Black History where my people FOUGHT and never gave up,

I am damn happy to be where I’m from.

Older self, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I was so upset back then, Disappeared at birth, Seeing other children being picked up by their fathers after school,

No birthday cards or phone calls, This left me with questions and blaming my tired mother, She took the blame and told me lies, She said you had your reasons and you loved me, Why did you walk away if you loved me?

I needed you here to be happy, Fast-forward,

I’m twenty-two and thought about you today, No hate or rage,

I survived the damage you left behind, I’m moving forward with my life, You taught me a great lesson without being present, Resilience.

COLLAGE 2023

Letter to my Mother

You made a lot of sacrifices. Growing up, I saw everything you did for me and my sister.

Because of you, I have the vision to reach my dreams and push through life’s challenges.

But Mom, sometimes I get scared. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of disappointing you even though I know you won’t be disappointed.

I am afraid of uncertainty. I am worried about drowning when I want to keep afloat.

I know nobody’s perfect. We're just human. Mistakes will happen.

I am learning. I am learning that I don’t need to be an overachiever. I am learning to let go of the expectation that I need to be the best. I am learning to let go of trying to be enough because I am enough.

When I make mistakes when I fail

I will get back up and try again because I can. I’ll jump in when I’m scared, Mom.

And when I jump in, I’ll think about your love. A mother’s love.

I haven’t met you yet,

But you are already loved by many,

Can’t wait to see your little hands take my breath away,

A bundle of joy, happiness, and a great blessing,

You will bring more energy and fun to my life,

I am going to encourage and empower you,

I believe in you and your capabilities,

I am going to love you for the rest of my life.

MORE COMMUNITY, LESS IN MY HEAD.

I’ve neglected you for a lifetime. Some might argue that that is precisely how it should be: leave the past exactly there, in the past. Well, I have tried that for half a century and have discovered that the past lingers. It sits right there, just out of sight, behind this neurosis and that bit of baggage, waiting in silence. Or at least that’s what I’ve thought, until, of course, it moves into the light, weighing the present me down and predetermining the path my future self might take.

So, I write today to grant you grace. To acknowledge your struggles, to celebrate your perseverance and to wrap my arms around that you who was unable for lots of reasons to stand fully upright, to hold firm in the face of things you didn’t understand or that was too much for your young self to handle.

I often wonder what more I might have done by now if I had more confidence, if I cared more about my dreams than what others might think or say. Why did others perception matter so? You are just now learning to stand in your light and walk comfortably in your words. And though I wish it hadn’t taken so long, there are so many ways that you might not have made it here and for that I am grateful. You made it every day, even on days you didn’t want to and I forgive the damage done in getting here.

So, younger self, thank you, which I never thought my present self would write. Thank you for being you cause the I I say I am today doesn’t exist without all of you, good and bad. Thank you.

Typically I get ahead of myself. Losing this moment in the chase for tomorrow. In the longing for not this day, but another.

I have spent a lifetime moving fast, So now it will be different.

I am going to a silent retreat, Ten days of meditation to open up by shutting out.

I am going to sit, In space, in quiet, Looking for a reset, Hoping to clear my too often troubled mind, Longing to eliminate the clutter.

I am going to free the spirit.

I have been far afield. But Now,

Now, I’m going home.

All of this place, from sea to shining sea, I am going not without fear and distrust

Not without eyes wide open to what I might find. I am going anyway

Because this is my place as much as theirs.

I am going outside of myself, In search of myself,

So that I can write the stories

I need to tell

That perhaps others need to hear.

I am going.

Yes, indeed. I am going.

Front cover image by Public Allies Book design by Naimah Thomas