A Look On The Inside: Written Secrets Exposed

Written Secrets Exposed

"Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."

-African Proverb

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expanding the voices and sharing personal

LION SPEAKS

truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated.

Through the healing process of drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

This project is the result of a partnership with Public Allies which "is a national movement committed to advancing social justice and equity by engaging and activating the leadership of all people." The 2022-2023 cohort of emerging leaders came together in Authors Circle fully ready to engage, be candid, and share their authentic selves and truths. What you hold in your hands is a result of that weekly commitment.

There is always an end product with Authors Circle, one that we celebrate in righteous fashion. However, the glory of Authors Circle is what happens in the Circle and that cannot be quantified. This compilation is our best estimation and representation of the hard work and bravery exhibited in that most cherished space. Turn the pages and enjoy.

SLM

INTRODUCTION

Authors Circle is the foundation for all the work ConTextos does. It is where individuals come together in a collaborative space to co-create a community of shared experiences. This does not happen easily; this is not undertaken lightly. It is serious business to trust others and oneself enough to engage with authenticity and vulnerability.

Typically Authors Circle meets for a minimum of 12 sessions and sometimes (in CCDOC) can meet for as many as 50 sessions. The Public Allies Circle modeled a new and exciting approach to Authors Circle. We met once a week for six weeks and in that time forged the kind of transparency and connection that holds Authors Circle together. The only way for such an undertaking to be successful was through a full commitment from each Author to be present, to be open, to be candid, to be brave. Each one of these facets is part of Authors Circle Values, and I can say from my experience as a ConTextos facilitator that this Public Allies cohort exemplified those values weekly.

“Public Allies is a social justice organization committed to changing the face and practice of leadership by recruiting and training talented emerging leaders, with a passion for social impact, to create meaningful change in our community.” The emerging leaders that make up the 2022-2023 cohort were fully participatory 6

SLM

INTRODUCTION

allowing for the establishment of a nurturing micocommunity. The Public Allies compilation is the fruit of that labor.

It was a privilege to facilitate this Authors Circle. I was humbled weekly by the collective willingness to show up as they were on a given day and share that self openly.

Each entry was produced with a thoughtfulness I had the honor to witness. Read the pages of this book knowing that you are reading the voices of part of Chicago’s young leadership. Be impressed. I am. slm, ConTextos Facilitator

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Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION AJ ARNELLE BIANCA CHRISTINA DIAMOND GABRIELA JAKYRA JOHN JORGE KEMBRYA KJAY KRYSTAL MALIK RONNIE ROSA SIERRA SLM, FACILITATOR

6 10 15 21 28 37 40 47 55 60 66 73 79 85 91 96 103 109

POLLEN INEVITABLY TRAVELS, BUDS EVENTUALLY BLOOM.

AJ

AJ

I am from worlds behind windows and TV screens From Englewood and Elmwood City and afterschool neighborkid adventures.

I am from reading time imagination.

I AM FROM

I am from suburban parks and nature trails, fear of the buzzing wildgrasses, and pavilions in stormtime.

I am from basements in progress and Kiddie Land trips, And from Old Westerns and Bill Withers lyrics.

I am from Chicago And I am from Mercy.

From Kingsford coals and pots on the stove From music and melody I am from grace.

11

AJ

Well Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so rebellious…

Cuz you taught be how to be comfortable with my own

SINCE YOU ASKED

decisions How to think, how to choose, how to laugh off mistakes and keep going I learned from you by listening, and more importantly, watching, And I saw how to hold my head high and know I matter.

So every time you experience this so called rebelliousness, know that it is your own teaching coming back to yourself, declaring that my voice has authority my life has dignity and holding firm to the commitment that I will honor the inner me

12

AJ

Calling to my ancestors-who show a way…

Roaring to break the silence, and light the way Those who can share guidance, wisdom, protections Because they’ve travelled this world with similar

LETTER

characteristics From a kindred lineage I’d wanna hear what they’d say Distant, yet on a parallel plane A missing plank in the floorboard, A secret stowaway place for dreams And winged things with no place to land

13

AJ

Untie from the grip of dichotomy Push pull, us them, have lack mentalities Untether

WHERE I'M GOING

And restart from the beginning of imagination There’s an anchoring effect Where suggestions plant the standard, everything else mere deviations of the original, Weighed down by primal suggestion This body seeks My soul breathes Spirit…

Reflected in nature, chemical reaction, allegory, That which calls us To be realized in its purity and worldliness at once

14

MISTAKES DON’T DEFINE YOU, LESSONS DO.

ARNELLE

ARNELLE

I am from K-Town From double dutch and black outs

I AM FROM

I am from fresh breath of air I am from oxygen I’m from Glenn and Sabrina From Sunday funday at the movies And from free spirited and tough love I’m from crybaby And from being spoiled brat I’m from open minded and loving I’m from The Chi

16

ARNELLE

Jordan, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so wounded Because you left without saying goodbye

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because you left me without warning Because I have to live this life without you Because I had to grieve and can’t get over it Because some days are perfect and some days aren’t Because I don’t understand why this happened Because how do I get over this tragedy?

Because can I learn to forgive the person who did it?

Because I need to let the anger go Because being angry doesn’t bring you back Because I want to say I love you one last time Because I know you aren’t coming back

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ARNELLE

COLLAGE 2023

ARNELLE Knowing me and you never see eye to eye Literally like arguing with myself We have the same face and same attitude Never want to admit who is wrong and who is right My daddy always say y'all going to go crazy if something happen to one of y’all Never understanding why you don’t get it Hurting my feelings and never saying sorry for it Wondering why you are so mean and complicated Why can we never agree on anything?

Why are you so set in your ways?

LETTER

Will you ever change for me?

The fact me and you are two different people Just because we look alike we aren’t the same person Wish my granddaddy was here to help me understand you better You always say he made you this way Wish I could understand why you are so mean I wish I could change the way you view the world I wonder if we could ever be on the same page I wish you could understand who I am I wish that you wouldn’t try to change me Accept me for who I am Understand we are different for a reason Yes you birth me, but I will never be you I am my own woman Hopefully one day you will accept that 19

ARNELLE

I’m going to challenge myself To explore new things that I couldn’t imagine

WHERE I'M GOING

I want to give myself a chance to see something new I want to be able to live my life to the fullest I want to receive my degree and keep making change I want to be a mentor for kids I want to see black on black crime stop I want our generation to come together I’m going to try make change in my community I want us to come together I want us to change for the better For the generations coming up We need peace and love

20

DEALING HOPE WHERE MY FEET GO.

bianca

BIANCA

I am from the low end.

From my mother’s womb and my father’s seed.

I am from 13 stories of brown, red and orange brick.

I am from the waves and oceanic blue of the lakefront, surrounded by large rocks and broken ones.

I’m from spades slamming on the cards table and oldies

I AM FROM

blasting in the air.

From rock, paper, scissors, And from walking to the corner store getting dills pickles and lemonheads with my cousins.

I’m from strength, power, and dignity, And from brown skin, hair grease and spaghetti and fish on Fridays.

I’m from ruffled lace socks, brightly colored dresses and church pews.

From bbqs, summer gatherings and piggy.

From Bubba and Clemmy.

I am from steadiness, might and potency.

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BIANCA Nobody, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I was so grieved.

Because she was a teen.

Because she was a teen born with medical needs.

Because I was the older cousin.

Because we shared laughs, stories and secrets.

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because she was hurt.

Because she was hurt by what she couldn’t control.

Because medicine was keeping her body regulated but not her mind and soul.

Because I didn’t understand what it meant to watch her journey. Because I am here.

Because she was struggling.

Because her body grew tired.

Because my tears were my silent prayers.

Because she took her last breath after the words of “there is nothing else we can do” Because I went to college.

Because she was buried six feet under.

Because she…

Because I live on…

23

BIANCA

COLLAGE 2023

BIANCA To the traveling lump, seeking a home of permanency From one generation to the next you appear as a mass in the breast, cervix, lungs or any other place in my people.

From one generation to the next the big “c’ is seeking to be a cousin.

From one generation to the next we bury our people, loved

LETTER

ones, and friends because big “c” is seeking to be a cousin.

From one generation to the next we stressin’, smokin’, seeking to make it and big “c” come knockin’.

From one generation to the next we wonder if another will run into big “c”.

From one generation to the next we trying to turn big “c” into that long lost cousin nobody talks about.

From one generation to the next we will the big “c” poisons blood with no cure but preventative measures and more toxins to kill big “c”.

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BIANCA From one generation to the next we share stories, looking at pictures of those who passed on, who lost significant weight, lost hair, lost energy because the big “c” seeks to choke us out.

From one generation to the next the big “c” hands the next of kin a bill and sometimes a death certificate and sometimes memories that no one can erase.

LETTER CONT.

From one generation to the next the big “c” causes anxiety and leaves us wondering what would life be like without it ever being present any way.

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BIANCA If my feet were wings, I would land them on every African nation I can before I take my last breath…

To see every wonder that Africa has birthed to the world.

To see every hue that exists…

LETTER CONT.

To touch every texture that exists…

Including laying my eyes on the pyramids built from the ground up.

If my feet were wings, I would stand at the door of no return seeking to return and tell of all that I’ve experienced.

And bring the healing from the land back to those who also wish their feet were wings.

Building relationships across the continent and melanated people in America, may hearts be healed and love flow with ease.

27

MAKE IT BETTER FOR THE NEXT.

Christina

CHRISTINA I am from Brainerd, which nobody’s heard of unless they took the Metra With its bungalows, two flats, apartments and the snowball man Occasional gunshots and basketball games in the yard and the alley

I AM FROM

During #Summertimechi, Black families post “Congratulations graduate!” signs in their yards and have elaborate prom send-offs Indiana fireworks on Juneteenth, the 4th of July and all summer long Where Fort Dearborn stands, the school named after the place where soldiers stayed and fought to remove the Indigenous groups off their land I am from a view of the sun and moon and a trickle of still and blinking stars Fresh cut grass and brown grass and grass too long, my mother’s garden I’m from Judy and Eli From Mom cooking and Dad doing the laundry And from stubborn opinionated people I’m from “Act like a young lady” And from “don’t let me have to get my belt” 29

CHRISTINA I’m from Black church roots with a progressive spin, open to the universe, chakra openings, smudges and joyous gay wedding receptions Going to the alter and feeling the Spirit as we cry, sing and protest

I AM FROM CONT.

From church plays and fashion shows, Sunday School and Jr. Church, girl scout and boy scout trips, Deacon So and So and Dr. Somebody and all the elders that are now dying out From the Great Migration from Alabama and Mississippi where you can see all the stars and my great grandfather’s land, from freed enslaved peoples’ hopes and dreams I’m from a late afternoon at Rush Presbyterian St. Luke Hospital in the west loop From summertimes eating spaghetti, ribs, chicken and sausage mastered all day on the grill and left simmering in Dad’s roaster, fruit salad, potato salad, pop and Mom’s rarely made homemade cake I’m from Grandma and the rest of the ancestors who paved the way I’m from the Southside of Chicago where they try, but there is no other 30

CHRISTINA

Since no one asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry Because we don’t get paid enough Because those who were supposed to be the hero instead became the villain in our stories

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because we tried to warn you Because we still get blamed for what someone else did Because you don’t listen Because we did so much and it’s still not enough Because you made us feel unsafe again Because we keep having to clean up the mess Because we are not the maid Because our feelings aren’t considered Because you don’t trust us Because we’re tired Because we deserve more Because after saying the same thing over and over again, you still don’t get it

31

CHRISTINA

Because our feelings matter Because we matter

SINCE YOU ASKED CONT.

Because it’s been too much Because you don’t have what it takes to keep us Because no one will fully understand how much we bring and brought to the table Because nothing ever changes again Because you think we’re crazy Because you say we’re crazy Because apologies aren’t enough Because we should be allowed to be full version of ourselves– Angry, sad, hurt Because we are not superwomen Because we should be given love, light, joy, care, peace

32

CHRISTINA

COLLAGE 2023

CHRISTINA

I see you.

Even when they don’t.

I see you.

Trying hard.

They aren’t able to see you yet.

You are an enigma.

I know you wished that an explanation would have fixed it.

LETTER I

But they not ready.

I know you weren’t trying to cause harm Your heart was in the right place But even when it wasn’t, grace and love is free But you know what they say, it’s also not cheap We fall but what’s more important is that you get back up Try again Fail again Learn and try again This is a cold world sometimes I hope you find peace within it Give yourself the love and grace the world can’t

34

CHRISTINA

We used to have a better relationship. You supported me and I appreciated you.

Somewhere along the way, something got lost.

Wish I could have handled it differently But none of us is perfect Just because we disagree doesn’t mean I don’t respect you

LETTER II

That’s just how I was raised–to have your own opinions and deal with things out in the open I know you were scared.

You thought I was going to take something away from you.

I just wanted you to be better. I was disappointed in how this all went down and how you handled it.

Why you don’t know this basic stuff?

Don’t get mad at me because I do.

What it could have looked like. We could have been good.

Now I’m just trying to figure out if I should make the effort to reach out.

35

WHERE I'M GOING

CHRISTINA I am going to create music and art and other good things growth, healing, love, justice, hope, joy and transformation on a grand scale I am going to all continents except Antarctica because that’s too cold for me (but never say never) to experience new and beautiful places Yes, the touristy places like Eiffel Tower, safaris and pyramids but also the culture, the food, the music and the places not in the tourist guidebook New conversations, new learnings New sunsets and sunrises to see My happy place is by the water, feet in the sand, trees, rocks and nature surrounding me Set intentions at every coast More ease More rest More joy More strength and flexibility And they should say she helped create change in herself, her community and this world, tried her best to make the vision, plain Everybody healthy, happy or joyful, or happy and joyful, whole and FREE Love!

Art! Justice!

36

DROPPING ROCKS BEHIND, REMEMBERING MY JOURNEY.

DIAMOND

DIAMOND

I am going to expand my horizons and live in the moment sometimes I am going to see beauty beyond where I am And go to higher heights

WHERE I'M GOING

I’m am going to go out into the world to fulfill my purpose and utilize all that I have gained I am going to honor the small things I have accomplished And not think that it's really nothing I am going to leave a foot print in the sand At the places I have been I am going to leave a legacy of love and inspiration To my children I am going to be great I am going to be full of love and positivity With a beaming aura I am going to be me unapolgetically

38

DIAMOND

COLLAGE 2023

LEAD WITH COMPASSION, CAN’T GO WRONG.

GABRIELA

GABRIELA I am from the East Coast where diversity abounds, but people all keep it real. I am from the tall building on Jewel street near the tire shop and barber shop that serve as hangout spots where I see my friends from across the street and a quick walk to the salon near my childhood corner store

I AM FROM

I am from the parks that let me relax under its trees and allowed me to lose myself in fantasy books and have mini picnics where squirrels threatened to take my food and peace I am from Mami and papi and Mama From my inner child who gave me a course on city life and Dominican culture on the streets of Harlem in New York and showed me how a leader serves their community And from No Me Hable en inglés (Don’t speak English to me) From Warmth I'm from be a leader, be the head not the tail and from stop having your heads in the clouds I'm from a lineage of deeply spiritual women with gifts to see more than the natural eye can see I'm from North Jersey

GABRIELA

Gabriela, since you asked. I’ll tell you why I’m so close to anxiety Because of your mother wound Because of your father wound

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because you worry you’ll do this too Because you were taught to fear Because you often feel you don’t belong here Because you rarely ask for stuff Because when you do, you’re told you’re asking for too much Because you’ve had to swallow fear and instead act tough Because you fear being out of touch Because you’re afraid that if you breathe You’ll find out you still can’t feel at ease

42

GABRIELA

COLLAGE 2023

GABRIELA

Dear mama,

I want to thank you for all the effort you’ve put into loving those under your care. For having at some point raised all of us. For modeling a form of love that made me feel, seen, loved, and understood. For feeding our bodies with savory foods and souls with affection. For making the journey to this country. For pushing us to keep our native tongue intact. For being the glue that has kept our family together at the most trying of times. For your modeling of strength and loving wholeheartedly. For always creating

LETTER

more space in your heart for anyone I would add to my life. For the confidence that I have that although you don’t always understand how I move, you will never reject me.

For how you’ve never doubted or made me doubt my greatness. For how I’m only a call away from a compassionate response from an informal coach. How you praise the leader in me.

Thank you for being my mirror. I am so much like you in both the bad and the good. From the strong desire to promote and protect my loved ones. The way I often lose myself in my community. The way I suppress my own desires and dreams to not tarnish the image of a giver.

The fear of failing to love well, the one thing we feel we’re 44

GABRIELA good at. The ways we do a lot in an attempt to earn love.

The way we confuse being needed with being loved. The way we rage against the limitations of our body because of the imbalance of our spirit being too strong. The way we’re stubborn. The way we have the utmost belief in others in being successful and happy while feeling it’s a vision to only be gazed at for ourselves. The way we give amazing advice to others, but don’t take it for ourselves.

LETTER CONT.

Many have asked much of us. And we’ve given everything.

What I want for us in this stage of our journey is to dive deep into our healing. Forgiving those who couldn’t nurture us the way we’ve always longed for. Forgiving those who didn’t see our needs and always asked for more. Releasing how we wished things could have been and how they will never be. Releasing the overwhelming compulsion to cover everyone’s needs. Embracing the heart that desires for everyone to be covered. Embracing the opportunity to give the gift of being a giver to another. Making room for personal plans and practices of play. And in the midst of so much giving, allowing for room to take. The world is warmer, brighter, and less scary for many because of us. It's time to embrace our inner child and tell her she’s more than enough.

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GABRIELA

I am going to travel countries foreign to me and live in one for some time I’m going to be successful in holding on to the vision of

WHERE I'M GOING

humanity seeing mirrors for embrace and expansion in one another But to do that I have to take part in creating the life I know can exist. I’m going to make plans to see what I want to see I’m going to develop a healthy relationship with my ego & inner child. Live in my lavender aura I’m going to leave a legacy of hope, love, and inviting others to embrace the parts of themselves that are easy and the ones they look at in horror

46

THROUGH THE FIRE, MADE IT RAIN.

JAKYRA

JAKYRA I am from Humboldt Park, from 13th, and the couch.

I’m from finding where I belong, listening to quick music and learning new things.

From block club parties, basketball games and silent praises and my 8 living room couches.

I am from the smell of spices, loss of ear drums and seeing people dance into the night.

I AM FROM

I am from the tree No one knows the complete make of the base, but it grows branches of new life long skills and lessons everyday.

I’m from Billy and Candy From freedom of speech and Ass whooppings And from challenges and praise I’m from “it’s hard, but you can do it” And “if you don’t want to, you don’t have to” I’m from God and a sense of self I’m from the west side From chicken and Sweets with a capital S From Gthang and Big B I am from Growth 48

JAKYRA Pops, since you asked, I'll tell you why I’m Successful Because you were rarely there Because mom picked up your slack Because I wanted to impress Because I wanted to be celebrated Because I wanted to be acknowledged Because I failed– – Repeatedly Because I picked myself up

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because my parents ignored those moments Because you took credit for it, BUT DID NOT HELP Because I was angry Because I didn't want that for me Because I became violent Because I didn't want to be here Because you stepped up Because you worked for respect Because I finished Because I had support Because I and you picked me So was I hurt? Yes, But Because you pushed me Because I grew I am successful.

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JAKYRA

COLLAGE 2023

JAKYRA

Dear Suga,

You're five now. You're graduating from kindergarten, and you’ve made new friends. You’ve grown out of your love for Barney and now you’re a youtube baby that loves unicorns. Dang, who would've thought we’d be born 20 years apart. I have a little sister. I have a little sister? To be honest, I’m writing this to say sorry. Not just to you, but myself.

Growing up I gave Juicy, lil daddy, and nomo the world.

LETTER

Anything they could possibly ask me for because I am the oldest sister. Unfortunately, although I had a decent childhood, everything wasn’t peaches and cream. I played mom for a majority of my life. I babysat all your cousins from my age down. I did laundry for all our siblings, our mom and your dad. Spent over 6 hours washing on Saturday at a smelly laundry mat and thousands of hours babysitting and cleaning unless I left to my dad's house.

I was the cook, the cleaner, and the disciplinary sister/mom.

None of this is your fault, it never was. I didn't receive all the emotional support I needed, so although I poured into 51

JAKYRA everyone, and expressed myself, unfortunately our OG couldn't change. When she said she was pregnant with you, I hated her immediately. I DID NOT want another sibling, I didn’t want you. A baby that isn't even here yet, that has done nothing to me, I didn’t want. I had just started college and never seen my mom take care of home on her own. Before me, it was our aunt Nick and j rock. The boys never had to do anything; she held them accountable for nothing, unless it was bad enough and I’d

LETTER CONT.

have to whoop them. I was scared for you, and I was scared for me. When you were born, you looked exactly like me tfse. I guess it's true the person that worries the mom the most while they’re pregnant, the baby takes their face. I watched you every day and stayed up all night with you on my college breaks. You became my baby, but I guess eventually I started to feel like a mom again and withdrew myself after you turned 2. Now I take you places here and there, but I never gave you a real chance to know me, besides when I bring gifts. Lol I feel like a deadbeat who only brings gifts and sees you from time to time.

I’m sorry Suga, I don’t hate you. I actually love you to the moon and back. You're the baby and I promise to step up as a sister. I love how you're full of character and energy. I love how our mom embraces that

JAKYRA spirit in you. I noticed how much she has grown and changed to become a better mom and I’m grateful you get to witness that. Maybe me stepping away was the push she needed to step up.

I received an apology from my OG, but I chose to apologize to myself too. I forgive her, I forgive me and hopefully our bond can grow from the past. So

LETTER CONT.

while I’m not willing to play mom anymore, I am damn sure a great sister to my siblings and now I will open up more to you.

I love you Suga!

Please forgive me as we make more memories moving forward.

I love you big baby girl, my baby sister.

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JAKYRA I am going to travel and live comfortably.

Continue to keep my word, but to myself as well this time.

I'm going to see clear blue seas from the sand full of tree made homes and fruit platters.

I'm going to see nature be nature.

Where the trees blow and the water is still in Thailand Into the Sand storms and pyramids in Greece.

WHERE I'M GOING

I'm going to have more life experiences and continue to grow. But to do that, I have to keep my word to me.

I have to save and I have to struggle!

As bad as that may sound, I'm going to struggle. but I’m also going to grow I'm going to be happy and bring hope I'm going to live comfortably and travel the world.

And after I'm gone, I'm going to leave a trail of tears and never ending hope.

I'm going to be happy more than the never ending feeling of sadness and struggle.

I am going to end my struggle!

And after I'm gone I hope everyone has faith and courage to end theirs too.

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GRACE IS ALWAYS PRESENT CHOOSE IT.

john

JOHN

John Since you asked, I'll tell you why your so full Because you try

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because you fail Because you listen more than you play Because you found love in vinyl Because you focused on finding fulfillment Because you slept on the floor in the cold Because you slept in the kitchen Because you used cardboard as walls Because God loves you Because you love God Because you know learning is continuous Because flows come and leave And you accept it

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JOHN

COLLAGE 2023

JOHN You don’t know what you don't know. Find your source and stay connected. The lazy pool takes powerful machinery.

The world turns, time passes, life happens. It can be chaotic, painful, joyous or just can be. Losing John wasn't my first taste of unfairness, it was the first one I comprehended. It was my first taste of learning who I was innately and what really raised me. The paranoia, the feeling of being unprepared, the suddenness of murder.

Standing in front of where you took your last breath

LETTER

everyday with no choice we didn’t even know empathy existed at the time. This is life keep pushing. I worked every weekend in the studio and grew a brother in C4.

During that time we rarely spoke about that day. Wasn’t much to be said but plenty to be felt. That basement was where we were people, whole beings that were full and able to release. Thank you creator for making me one. I don't take it for granted. Thank you for grace, it has saved me many times. Thank you for acceptance and teaching me the foundation of that lesson in a tough way. Thank you for the music and it’s love I feel from it. Never felt anything like it and I don't want to. Thank you for the students for holding me accountable. Making me show up as myself everyday. Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for life and everything it comes with.

58

JOHN

I am going to show people new and different things.

Leave the door that shows my love open.

WHERE I'M GOING

Hoping others would do the same.

I am going to have my house exactly the way I want it.

And use my home a a space for max efficiency I am going to rest in more ways than one there So I can align with my purpose fully.

I am going to go to Senegal to see if I feel connected To create more trust with self I am going to play the game like the spurs with good pace I am going to keep the pocket maintaining tempo

59

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND LIVE.

jorge

JORGE I am from Pilsen, underneath the train tracks that kept my parents awake at night From a place with a beautiful and unique culture and a place I can no longer call home I am from three stories above between a maze of stairs and the floor below, in a building with family on

I AM FROM

each floor I am from the playground down the street where screaming kids would kick a bottle around when we had no ball I’m from mi ma y my pa From the weekend trips to “La Garra”, buying cheese underneath the colossal plastic cow And from humble beginnings I’m from dreams for a better future From “te quiero mucho mijo” From a promise to be kept

61

JORGE

My friend, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I try my best to

SINCE YOU ASKED

stay calm Because I didn’t like the person I was Because I didn’t like worrying about every single trivial thing treating it like the end of the world Because I didn’t like having a panic attack on the bus, feeling everything engulf me Because sometimes “It is what it is” is the best advice Because things can’t be changed and that’s okay Because it’s okay to make mistakes Because it is okay to learn

62

JORGE

COLLAGE 2023

JORGE Almost 10 years, a decade of knowing each other.

Always mentioning how we should be able to know each other a little more. A mysterious figure, a closed book, an enigma.

Just some of the labels thrown my way.

LETTER

I can’t quite tell you when I started keeping everything to myself or why. It was probably a myriad of factors starting when I was younger.

Maybe it was when I kept quiet in order to avoid the mockery of when my face would turn beet red.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being asked a question you weren’t quite prepared for.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being asked to do a task you weren’t ready for.

The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of being caught off guard. The fewer eyes on you, the fewer chances of an anxiety inducing moment happening.

Maybe it was when I kept quiet in order to avoid people’s displeasure. I did what I was told in order to not make a situation worse. I kept all to myself in order to not be a burden. I kept quiet in order to not annoy people with my presence.

It seems that it all stems from trying to be invisible.

I’ve been doing this song and dance for many years.

I know, a bad habit, but I’m trying to learn new steps in this year long dance. So please be patient and we can get to know each other more.

64

JORGE

I am going to be better Better for the people looking up to me Better for the people who see the potential in me Better for the bright-eyed child that I once was I want to be able to tell stories with no limitations

WHERE I'M GOING

I want to tell big stories about the hero's journey Or small stories from the people that we see every day I am going to start dreaming again No longer feel trapped in a perpetual nightmare No longer feel fear at taking a step into the unknown But if that fear persists, it doesn’t hurt to ask for companionship I am going look at the stars and see the endless possibilities And once I reach the sky, I will extend my hand and bring others with me I am going to start living Now let’s start by learning how to parallel park

65

KREATION RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME, INDEFINITELY.

KEMBRYA

KEMBRYA Where I’m From?

I am from the embryonic fluid of hope. An album titled “Embrya”, turned Kembrya. From two that become one, the moon and the sun. I am from west walnut st. and broken glass, turned America’s First Class. Knowing where I come from, so I’m not better than my past. Just the birth that it had. Got the dedication and devotion to match, the necessity for a lotus to hatch. A whole soul to

I AM FROM

dispatch.

I am from tha muddy waters and sand.

Down under, where you hear “fish are our friends”.

I’m from Outwest Lashawn and Koolin KO. The neighborhood auntie “the Oracle” and the rasta man with the guitar rhythms that flow. The ones who brought this baby into the world to glo. From learning how to psychoanalyze as a child, something I had learned to despise.

To realizing it as one of my greatest gifts, to be wise I came from “this baby been here before” And yell code red when you see OG, before she even hit the door. From wearing the fubus and not the k swiss To remembering when the k swiss was a hit The jabo jeans and the timbs. Ancient artifacts 67

KEMBRYA

I come from the south every summer, fall, and winter Picking corn and sorting beans A human gardening machine I come from love, love of self, my family, and kommunity From the 10 commandments and one day the trumpets will

I AM FROM CONT.

sound I come from let’s go to the corner store, meat and cheese on the chips please From let me get the apple lipgloss From me and cousins sharing everything from money to dreams I come from Chicaglo, where my purpose gone blow I’ve grown and gone with the motions like the leaves on a willow I know where I come from and my history means something.

-Kembrya O’Neal

68

KEMBRYA A letter to Tha Most High. Thank You. Pray you keep my mother straight.

Pray you keep my brothers brave.

Promise I will say your grace.

Pray you keep my Daddy whole.

Release every story my granny left untold.

Keep me in your loving arms. Forever, you’re in between

LETTER

my palms.

I pray you keep my sister's soft. With smiles that reign and mouths that talk.

Auntie’s and Uncle’s. I love you so, I pray through all the years you grow. Afterall, you’ve taught me things I’d never known. I’ve prayed for cousins far and wide. We came into this world alive, you came to shake and make a change.

Make sure this world will never be the same.

Nieces and Nephews you are my world, you changed me from that little girl. I’m a woman now and we’ve got playdates to catch. Every time you see me, my purse you snatch. You know I’m always coming with the snacks. By the end of this I’ve probably spent like several stacks. But I won’t ever ask for any of it back. I pray that your life is 69

KEMBRYA always full. From long car rides and food after school, keep your drive and the world is yours.

My friends, for you I pray for truth, expanded views.

Homies since before “they loving the crew”. The ones that’s new, I love you too. I promise no appreciation, overdue. Through trials and tribulations, I’m proud of you.

My foes, you get a prayer too. I pray that light will shine on

LETTER CONT.

you. They say hurt people, hurt people too, I’d never wish for that to be you.

To the world, to the street lights, to the mountains, to the valleys. I pray. I pray. I pray. Though I may look up at the stars and understand their monologue. I know I’ll never feel alarmed, to know my destiny’s been marked. Marked by the heart of heart’s.

Every man has a friend, this ONE must overstand. 10 toes I stand, 10 fingers on hand.A culmination of balance.

A name so sacred, there are many. You’re out of this world, not controlled by the pennies.

Though some may choose to be offended, the love you give is felt by so many. Tha love you give is in infinities.

70

KEMBRYA Dedicated to Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and all the little stars.

Air. I am going East toward truth The first place I turn to in the morning To call out a name beyond me

WHERE I'M GOING

To call on those who come before me Finding purity through all fury Fire.

I am going South toward passion and kreativity The expansion of inner-g to generate freely All this light inside of me, burnt into infinities I’ll be the one anomaly to make it out this, see (sea)…

Water.

I am going West toward abundance Where the sun conducts its final dance, before he lets the moon in Leading to inner reflection and direction to understand my emotions Kreating remedies and potions for when I’m going through all of these … motions Knowing true strength and abundance comes from within

KEMBRYA As soon as I find grounding Earth.

I am going North toward my kommunity and family To school degrees and monetary security Knowing I’m gon’ be with the palm trees

WHERE I'M GOING CONT.

All across them 7 seas…

I’ll wonder, wonder about the world.

How they built them pyramids and decipher all the hieroglyphs Or The temple of Artemis Learning what a Mausoleum is at Halicarnassus.

What about the Hanging Garden of Babylon?

Or The Myth Colossus of Rhodes we’re on.

I’ll see the Lighthouse of Alexandria.

And wonder what they made her for.

And the Statue of Zeus of Olympia.

I heard he made some demigods.

Realizing I am the Goddess of direction and imperfection.

Through the world I’ll learn many lessons Learning to stomach my many reflections And digest all that I was blessed with.

No matter where I’m going.

HOLD TIGHT YOU ARE ALMOST THERE.

kJay

KJAY

Jass, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so hurt Because you left without saying goodbye

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because we didn't have enough time together Because you was so young and full of life Because you showed me what a real friend looked like Because when I had noone I had you Because King needs you Because it wasn't your fault Because I’ll never get to see you again Because I never thought I’d lose a friend Because you wasn't ready Because you was finally having your baby girl Because life is unfair

74

KJAY

COLLAGE 2023

KJAY “(Un)finished Business” They say I look just like my dad with my momma eyes: and I instantly pause cause how can you deny a face that looks just like yours?! The youngest child is always spoiled, the older siblings envy them. I know you’re thinking who wouldn’t want to be the spotlight of attention RIGHT?..

Wrong being the youngest isn’t what everyone hypes it up to be. BEING THE YOUNGEST SUCKS! If I knew it came with an expiration of your time, then I would have jumped

LETTER

the line.

Plenty of times I blamed myself for your absence thinking I did something to make you not even want to give me a chance. Maybe If I was a boy then you would have stayed around, or maybe if I was your wife's child then I would have been a priority, Maybe If I just changed my appearance and wore the pretty dresses and purses then you would have treated me like the daddy’s girl that 9year-old KJay thought she needed. Just maybe huh....... I blamed everyone for your fuck up but YOU. For years I blamed my mom for her poor choice in men for why you left, just thinking if she had just walked right past you then I wouldn’t even be in this predicament. But it wasn’t her fault you couldn’t step up to the plate

KJAY and be a man. It’s because of my mom playing both roles that I made amends with your absence. She gave me what you didn’t and that’s effort. I remember the last time I heard from you I was 22. I was so excited to hear your voice when you picked up, that little girl who longed for her father that was trapped inside of me had begun to gain hope that just maybe this could be the start of something new until the first thing you asked me for was money. Despite our history I still gave it to you. I know it

LETTER CONT.

sounds foolish right, I thought for once that you have got it right, but I was wrong.

I am now 26 and life is going well for me. I graduated college and am still working towards higher education. I got married to a beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally and together we started our own family.

My children are the absolute best. They keep me going with their little hugs and kisses. Because of you I am a phenomenal mom. You showed me what kind of parent I never wanted to be. I vow to always be a great role model and to always show up for them no matter how BIG or small the occasion is because those are the moments that matter the most. Because of you I have decided to put me first for once....... I’m done letting U IN THIS BUSINESS IS FINISHED!!!!!!

77

KJAY

I am going places I never imagine I’ll be Im filling up rooms that aren’t meant for people like me

WHERE I'M GOING

Im headed down a blank road creating imagery on the walls filling them with what I aspire life to be like No this journey won't be easy….

So I’m staying focused, out of mind, out of sight I'm going places higher than the mountain peak I may get knocked down trying to get there so remembering my goal is the KEY I'm going places and Im getting there being UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME

78

GRATEFULNESS IS THE KEY TO BLESSINGS.

krystal

KRYSTAL

I am from the depths of the Universe, From a King and Queen.

I am Royalty.

I am from the Rivers of the Earth.

I AM FROM

I am the Sunflower that blooms Big and Strong in a dark room.

I am from Empaths and Fiery Passions.

From Trials and Tribulations that turn into Triumph.

I am from Strength and Success.

I am from my Golden Red Copper Ancestors, And from Warriors of Love and Light but also Destruction.

I am from Perseverance and Peace

80

SINCE YOU ASKED

KRYSTAL

Dear ME, I’ll tell you why we’re grateful B/C I’m healing everyday.

B/C I’m loving myself more and more.

B/C I’m finally seeing the greener grass.

B/C I’m finally degree’d.

B/C I know everything is working out for ME. B/C I’m finally at Peace.

81

KRYSTAL

COLLAGE 2023

KRYSTAL

It already has been 23 years 23 years of just us, you and I 2 peas in a pod 23 years of getting to know you and experiencing things that makes you me Spending every second of the day with you literally there's no escaping. It seems like just yesterday we was off to

LETTER

first grade. Now we all grown up getting ready to move into our first apartment. Watching you grow, flourish and change for the better has been an amazing journey.

Watching you get up everyday to make stuff happen is inspiring. I’m finally in a place where I am getting to know you more and more. Understanding your do’s and don'ts.

Understanding what makes us YOU. Quality time with you is impeccable and I'm starting romanticize our time alone which is something I always feared.

That golden skin shines as bright as Krystal’s.

But it's the unconditional love that I have for you which keeps me motivated day to day.

The girl in the mirror.

83

KRYSTAL

Where am I going?

WHERE I'M GOING

That’s a question I myself have yet still found the answer to Understanding the meaning of life & just enjoying the journey of the unknown While understanding I have a purpose in life My life will touch and positively influence others Knowing I will be successful and accomplish my every goal Being there for my friends and family are some things I honor the most Taking care of self and loving myself through the process As life and my journey continuing to flow

84

PROGRESSION, IS NEVER CONSIDERED AN FAILURE

malik

MALIK

I am from L-town Chicago ave and Long From hooping on crates and riding bikes I am from an three bedroom house filled with art and great tasting food

I AM FROM

I am from powerful thunderstorms I’m from being told be a leader not a follower And from being told you better be in the house before the street lights come on I’m from hope and happiness I’m from outwest Illinois From sweet potatoes and baked mac and cheese From Charlie Martin and Lewis Thorpe I am from a majestic city.

86

SINCE YOU ASKED

MALIK

Malik, since you asked , I’ll tell you why I’m so grateful B/c you push yourself everyday Because you never give up on your dreams Because you understand that no one is perfect Because you are open to criticism Because you learn from your mistakes

87

MALIK

COLLAGE 2023

MALIK

Sometimes the person you need to talk to the most is in heaven.

To watch a bond break and leave is so crazy and hurtful.

Everyone has their ups and downs in life. We lose family

LETTER

members and relationships.

Everyone you have crossed paths with has an experience of these things too.

If you ever find yourself feeling sad, don’t.

Always remember that you are in control and you have to want it as bad as you want the pain to go away.

You’ve been okay before and you will be okay again.

Enjoy the the presence of your family and friends because they won't always be here with you.

89

MALIK

I am going to be successful in life I am going to work my hardest to become the best

WHERE I'M GOING

possible version of myself that I can be.

I will always remain humble and consistent.

One day I am going to be an business owner I am going to put others in an position to win One day I hope the world will become a better place And Dr. King's Dreams will become a reality.

I am going to be successful One day I will reflect on my life as I watch the sunset from a beautiful beach in bora bora as I'm relaxing.

90

BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS WITH LIKE-MINDED COMMUNITY MEMBERS.

ronnie 73

RONNIE

God, Since you asked, I'll tell you why I'm so optimistic

SINCE YOU ASKED

B/c for years I was drowning, B/c I’ve never had the opportunity to change the settings to easy, B/c sometimes I feel unheard, B/c I didn't get a chance to finish what I started, B/c when I’m at my lowest i’m never alone, B/c when i’m up you keep me grounded, B/c you are building the path as I walk it, B/c as I walk it I see potholes and narrow streets, B/c as I walk it I don’t see a dead end, B/c when I walk it, you walk it with me.

92

RONNIE

COLLAGE 2023

RONNIE

Letter To Granny Where has the time gone?

LETTER

It seems like it was just yesterday, I leave school and head to west suburbs.

Everyone is here in the room, except you and you were always there. While you were battling, I was playing cards with Von and Nesha.

Not fathoming what would come to be 10 years later. Hell, there’s a few before that, but it started for me, with you.

Life goes on, but time doesn’t heal every wound.

94

WHERE I'M GOING

RONNIE

I am going to be wealthy I will visit Christ the Redeemer I will reflect on where I was 10 months ago I will find the right career But to do that I must stay resilient and humble I’m gonna visit Egypt and gaze at the Pyramids I'm going to continue to learn new things I will be successful.

95

FLEXIBILITY MOVE LIKE WATER IN ALL FORMS.

rosa

ROSA I am from The Village y El Barrio de las Empacadoras From Wolcott and from Christina I am from the streets of my community I am from the storefronts and the street vendors I am from neither here nor there

I AM FROM

From darkness and loneliness And from trauma and abuse I'm from you'll be just like us I'm from you do not matter La Santa Muerte siempre me acompaña I am from Iztapalapa . El lugar de los groseros…El barro sobre el agua.

I am from ice cold cuagamas, artesania, y cumbia I survived thanks to the kindness of community members I am from Rage and I am from Love 97

ROSA

Hey Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so confused.

Because both you and pops walked away.

Because I starve for love but can't find none.

Because I found someone just like you

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because they treat me just like you Because they love me just like you Because I never want to be like you Because hope made me bitter Because love turned to rage Because love made me lonely Because I want us to be ok Because I miss you Because I would like to know you Because I love you, mom.

Because I really don’t like you.

Because you made me who I am Because you made me strong Because you made me vulnerable

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ROSA

COLLAGE 2023

ROSA A mother's womb.

LETTER

Most women without dads get told they got daddy issues.

But I have a mother wound.

I loved my ama. I prayed to the Virgin de Guadalupe every day that she would come back for me. That was the first mother to disappoint me.

I didn't care that he didn't want me.

All I wanted was my mom.

I wanted to watch scary movies with her. Go to the park, go to the mountains like we used to.

Dig up treasures made by our ancestors. Swim in the ocean. Collect animals that we weren't supposed to have.

Dance in our kitchen.

But what I got was a drunk that forgot I existed.

She left me and didn't come back.

We swam through the river and ran across a highway.

Spent a week in a shed with 20 other strangers. Just for her to forget me once we were here. We came here to escape my dad. I didn't think she wanted to escape from me too.

I have spent my entire life trying to get that love back.

Now I know it was not your choice. Your mom did not give you a choice. Coming to America had a price. You had to work night and day to pay it back. I was supposed to be safe with her. I mean she was your mom. We are supposed to trust moms.

100

ROSA She did to me what her mother did to her. Grandma left and didn't come back. You were 8 with 12 kids now.

Young and old. You became a mother. She was 16 with four children when her mom came back to her.

Years later… When all hope was lost. Just like her mother…

My mother returned to me. Coming here was supposed to save us. Just like Grandma left to save her life.

LETTER CONT.

It destroyed her.

You aren't my mom like that. We are friends. You missed all the important moments of my life.

But now it's different. You got help. You got into therapy.

You don't drink as much as you used to.

You are great grama to the kids. They all love you. You even visit and call me. You even text me and send me tik toks.

All this has left me with great wounds in my heart.

I found people that love me the same way you did.

But I am a mother too.

I see my Willow…. I do everything I can to not be like you.

We dance in our kitchen, We watch camp movies and laugh together. We go to the park and play dress up. We give each other hugs and kisses.

My mother's womb isn't poisoned My mother wounds Came from my mother's womb.

101

ROSA Im going to start my life It always feels like I am starting my life Always starting for the first time Everyday I feel like i am born Everyday I feel like i am growing

WHERE I'M GOING

Everyday i feel like i am dying I am going to start my life for the first time I am going to college I am going to start my career I will visit my country Swim in the ocean Climb the mountains of my youth I am going to start my life I will start by healing my spirit I will start by loving myself first I wil start by standing strong in my boundaries I am going to start my life for the first time.

102

WHEN IT FEELS SCARY, JUMP IN.

sierra

SIERRA

I am from a lineage of astounding Black Women, I am from Mother of Africa,

I AM FROM

I am from gold-melanated skin, From Black Don’t Crack but our combs do, I’m from Black Beauty, Black Strength, and Black Courage, I am from Black History, From Black History where my people FOUGHT and never gave up, I am damn happy to be where I’m from.

104

SIERRA

Older self, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I was so upset back then, Disappeared at birth, Seeing other children being picked up by their fathers

SINCE YOU ASKED

after school, No birthday cards or phone calls, This left me with questions and blaming my tired mother, She took the blame and told me lies, She said you had your reasons and you loved me, Why did you walk away if you loved me?

I needed you here to be happy, Fast-forward, I’m twenty-two and thought about you today, No hate or rage, I survived the damage you left behind, I’m moving forward with my life, You taught me a great lesson without being present, Resilience.

105

SIERRA

COLLAGE 2023

SIERRA Letter to my Mother You made a lot of sacrifices. Growing up, I saw everything you did for me and my sister.

Because of you, I have the vision to reach my dreams and push through life’s challenges.

LETTER

But Mom, sometimes I get scared. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of disappointing you even though I know you won’t be disappointed.

I am afraid of uncertainty. I am worried about drowning when I want to keep afloat.

I know nobody’s perfect. We're just human. Mistakes will happen.

I am learning. I am learning that I don’t need to be an overachiever. I am learning to let go of the expectation that I need to be the best. I am learning to let go of trying to be enough because I am enough.

When I make mistakes—when I fail— I will get back up and try again because I can. I’ll jump in when I’m scared, Mom. And when I jump in, I’ll think about your love. A mother’s love.

107

SIERRA

I haven’t met you yet,

WHERE I'M GOING

But you are already loved by many, Can’t wait to see your little hands take my breath away, A bundle of joy, happiness, and a great blessing, You will bring more energy and fun to my life, I am going to encourage and empower you, I believe in you and your capabilities, I am going to love you for the rest of my life.

108

MORE COMMUNITY, LESS IN MY HEAD.

slm

SLM, FACILATATOR

COLLAGE 2023

SLM, FACILATATOR

LETTER

I’ve neglected you for a lifetime. Some might argue that that is precisely how it should be: leave the past exactly there, in the past. Well, I have tried that for half a century and have discovered that the past lingers. It sits right there, just out of sight, behind this neurosis and that bit of baggage, waiting in silence. Or at least that’s what I’ve thought, until, of course, it moves into the light, weighing the present me down and predetermining the path my future self might take.

So, I write today to grant you grace. To acknowledge your struggles, to celebrate your perseverance and to wrap my arms around that you who was unable for lots of reasons to stand fully upright, to hold firm in the face of things you didn’t understand or that was too much for your young self to handle.

I often wonder what more I might have done by now if I had more confidence, if I cared more about my dreams than what others might think or say. Why did others perception matter so? You are just now learning to stand in your light and walk comfortably in your words. And though I wish it hadn’t taken so long, there are so many ways that you might not have made it here and for that I am grateful. You made it every day, even on days you didn’t want to and I forgive the damage done in getting here.

So, younger self, thank you, which I never thought my present self would write. Thank you for being you cause the I I say I am today doesn’t exist without all of you, good and bad. Thank you.

111

WHERE I'M GOING

SLM, FACILITATOR Typically I get ahead of myself.

Losing this moment in the chase for tomorrow.

In the longing for not this day, but another.

I have spent a lifetime moving fast, So now it will be different.

I am going to a silent retreat, Ten days of meditation to open up by shutting out.

I am going to sit, In space, in quiet, Looking for a reset, Hoping to clear my too often troubled mind, Longing to eliminate the clutter.

I am going to free the spirit.

I have been far afield. But Now, Now, I’m going home.

All of this place, from sea to shining sea, I am going not without fear and distrust Not without eyes wide open to what I might find.

I am going anyway Because this is my place as much as theirs.

I am going outside of myself, In search of myself, So that I can write the stories I need to tell That perhaps others need to hear.

I am going.

Yes, indeed. I am going.

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To learn more about our work, read memoirs, and other compilations written by our Authors visit: www.contextos.org Find us on social media: @contextoschi

Front cover image by Public Allies

2023

Book design by Naimah Thomas