Help Me Find A Way by Jay Jackson

Help Me Find A Way

Jay Jackson

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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Help Me Find a Way Jay Jackson

When my momma got sick it changed me. How? Because it made me see my momma

fade from good to bad. It changed me because I watched my momma suffer everyday.

It made me lose a lot of respect for life because I was mad cause I didn’t have

my queen, so I said fuck everybody else’s life.

Then I grew up and manned up. I realized that this was just God’s calling.

It all started in 2009 when I was 17. I came home from lil DOC and I was looking for

my momma and she wasn’t there, so I went to my Grandma and asked her where

my momma was and she told me in the hospital. I didn’t think nothing of it because it

was normal for my mother to go to the hospital every month.

I waited for a little over a week and then she came home which was unusual because

she usually only stayed there for 2-3 days max. So when she came home I was asking

her a lot of questions about what took her so long and that’s when she told me that she

had lost her kidney and that she would have to be on dialysis until she got a new one.

Me being young I didn’t think nothing of it until like a month later when she started

having seizures. I was right there when it happened and I didn’t know what was

going on so I called 911. They told me to lay her on her side until they came and

took her to the hospital and they kept her there for about a week and a half.

e r. Sh e k a we ded n u in. o n pa nd s i a s d a w ke she e loo e h n s o d got d d, an e e h g s n ha en ad c e wh h s u e a c c oi is be her v s y k l c a i d ba ated ame h c e e h s n sh how e Whe m g tellin was

She wanted me to get her some weed because it took away the pain. At first I kept

telling her no and she would get mad at me, so eventually I gave in and went and

bought it and we smoked it together.

She started cooking, cleaning, and listening to music and just being her regular self

again. I thought everything was all good until she said walk with her to the store. I said ok

let me get ready.

While I’m getting ready, in my mind I’m thinking everything is all good and back to

regular.

We were walking and talking and as we were about to cross the street she started

moving all slow so I grabbed her hand. While we’re in the middle of the street she

started having a seizure. My heart starts beating fast because I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to hold her up and keep her from falling and hurting herself worse.

We’re in the middle of a main street and cars are coming fast and they don’t know what

we doing so they’re going around us while I’m trying to ask for somebody to call for help.

While we’re sitting in the middle of the intersection the police roll up and they must think

we’re playing or something like that because he asked me what we doing and I look at

him and say this is my momma and she’s sick. I think she just had a seizure.

By now she’s coming back to herself so he’s helping me get her out of the streets.

He starts asking my momma questions and she all regular saying she don’t remember

nothing except crossing the street. From that day forward I had to keep a close eye on

her.

I had a 100 other things I had to do, so I just decided to move in with her and help her

around the house.

Everytime I would go to my baby momma house and come back something was going wrong or about to go wrong.

And not to mention I had a baby on the way, and my momma didn’t like my baby momma for some reason. 12 yrs later I see why.

They say momma’s know best, but I was young and didn’t see it that way.

Now I do.

But, that's another story.

I would stay a couple of days with my momma and have to hear my BM bitching, then

I would go to my baby momma’s house and vice versa, so really me personally I didn't

know if I was doing right or wrong at the time. Now I wish I would’ve spent more time

with momma. If I would’ve known what I know now. Smh!!

Now my momma is gone too soon, and I don't even like my baby momma.

My momma was failing fast, and I just wish I could’ve been more aware of what was going on.

I never really took death seriously until it hit home. I remember the last conversation with my momma and I just wish I could’ve said more.

I grew up in DCFS. My momma lost her right to have her kids because of drugs,

but she used to always come around for holidays and my birthdays and always bring me joy and toys.

Still to this day some of my best birthdays were because of my momma. My first video game was from my momma. I know y’all remember Sega. Growing up I loved video games, well really, I still do.

My momma used to always surprise me with gifts when I least expected anything at all.

But what has always bothered me so much is the last conversation I had with my Mamma. I’m not going into details on what was said verbatim, but it was one of the worst conversations I had with my Mama.

She went into a coma and went brain dead. I was ashamed of what happened, so much that I didn't want to go up there to see her. But when I finally did, I went to her room and seen her with all these tubes and machines hooked up to her. I broke down trying to talk to her.

I got no response back because she was brain dead and basically unresponsive.

But still I talked to her as if she could hear me. I asked her to blink her eyes if she accepted my apology and she did. :)

So right now to this day I feel she accepted it, and I feel good about it because I never meant what I said anyways.

To this day, I’m glad I got to talk with momma that last time. I believe she was happy and I felt relieved and happy.

I Am From Poem Jay Jackson I am from the Southside of Chicago, Englewood From corn flakes, powder milk, the Candy store with fruities, sour worms, Nachos with ground beef and 25 cent juices I am from the products of the Crack era Hot sunny days and long dark nights, gunshots, doors slamming, and tires scratching I am from Roses are Red and Violets are Blue From Valentine’s day cards. Do you like me, check yes or no?

I’m from backyard barbecues and loud music and card games From Linda Faye and Bertha Mae From you don’t need no friends you got brothers and love all trust none I’m from you need God and believe in Jesus I’m from Chicago, Cook county, Down South Jackson Mississippi Neck bones, Greens, Mac & Cheese, Cornbread and ribs From boy go "get me switch" I’m finna beat yo ass

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