If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

By Brandon Young

“Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”

The Soy Autor writing process was developed in collaboration with young affected by violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated.Through the process of drafting, revising, illustrating and publishing memoirs, the Authors’ Circle participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to create new life narratives.

In collaboration with:

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now Brandon Young

I always wish that I wasn’t so hard headed when I was younger. When I look back on my life, I now know I made a lot of bad, poor decisions. Although when I was living through them, they made me feel some type of way because I lived them “My Way.”

I have some regrets but not many, therefore I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for keeping me close. A lot of my closest friends didn’t make it to be the age I am today, because of some poor decisions that we made together. It someemes makes me wonder what made me so special.

Did I do something that made me myself able to dodge the penalles of the wrongdoing that I did in my lifeeme? Is there truly a balance of right and wrong that somehow makes us exempt from punishment or karma?

My life hasn’t been all bad. It’s just that my life took a wrong turn a few mes because I was stubborn and hard headed. My Mom and Granny always told me a hard head makes a soo ass and it took me a really long me to understand that phrase. Because literally when I was a kid I ďŹ gured that was how it was supposed to be, right? Who wants to have a hard ass and a soo head?

So I got into trouble a lot as a young boy. For example, I got bappzed and had to go to church every Sunday. And I did not like going every Sunday. No maaer how much I tried to weasel my way out of going, my Granny always MADE me go. I was even in the choir.

But no sooner than church was over I would jump into my “play clothes” and run around the neighborhood creaang havoc with my friends. Which my Granny didn’t approve of. She always told me “Don’t hang around that boy, he can’t clean the snot off his nose.”

But I never listened. This was my best friend. We stole bikes, and cupcakes from the grocery store together. We were like 98 and 2.

So I didn’t listen. AAer that it wasn’t long before some of our mischief caught up with us. A couple of mes we got caught stealing out of the grocery store and our parents had to come get us out of the police staaon. We would get severely disciplined with belts, switches, being grounded and various other privileges taken away. But I ssll never listened.

My juvenile logic was they caught me that me because I wasn’t slick enough and I got away with it more mes than I got caught.

So It’s all good.

But the fact remains if I had listened I wouldn’t have been in trouble with the police, but I was young, wild and carefree. Tryna stay sucker free in the land of lollipops. As I got older I didn’t get in trouble for stealing as much, but when I was a teen I was introduced to the lifestyle of gangbanging. So I dove in head first tryna be the hardest mull neighborhood renowned Gangster from my hood.

Tryna follow in the footsteps of some of my dead homies by the name of Pook, Oatmeal, Kansas City, Freaky Fred and Sugar Free. Even though my teachers and counselors told me that I was headed for a life behind bars, I ssll didn’t listen. Sure enough at the age of 17 I was arrested for my first felony, strong arm robbery, which led to me becoming convicted felon because I copped out.

That led to me being arrested for a bunch of other felonies, 4 to be exact. Which could have been avoided if I had sense enough to listen. I ended up doing me for two of the felonies. Possession of stolen motor vehicle, I got 5 years and did 2 years and got 6 months good me, so 5 years at 50%. And unlawful use of weapon where I got 2 year and did 6 months. The other 2 felonies I got probaaon which I copped out for--as a maaer of fact all of my felonies I copped out.

So as I went through life as a felon and ex-con, I learned how to stay out of trouble by working jobs such as UPS, Pizza Hut, Einstein Brothers’ Bagels and a host of janitorial and industrial maintenance jobs. But my life took another wrong turn, because in my late 20’s and 30’s I became an alcoholic and weed head.

Once again I was warned that it was gonna catch up with me. But once again I didn’t listen. I didn’t see how me geeng “fucked up” could get me in trouble.

But then I started to realize I had a bunch of people wannng to hang out with me, because they knew when I got paid that I was going to do it big with cases of beer and fifihs of liquor and quarter ounces of weed. It was like that on the weekends with me.

I was in my 30’s when I realized that people were hanging around just to mooch off me, but I never cared. I liked being the leader and the extra benefits that came with me sponsoring the party on a regular basis, like the popularity. Some of my birthday parres were epic and I always had a preey girl on my arm because of it.

So I went through life like it was a great big party. I’m now realizing that I was wassng my life, but by then I was a full fledged alcoholic experimennng with other drugs.

I was enjoying every minute of it, but my tolerance was increasing, therefore making me binge for days. So it started to affect my aaendance at work and also my performance. Which ullmately led to me losing a lot of different jobs. That meant I couldn’t sponsor parres and I wasn’t the leader anymore.

So I did what a lot of my peers were doing and that was selling crack cocaine.

Back then we used to just post up on the block drinking liquor, smoking weed and shooong dice. All the friends came to us 24-7 and for the valued customers we gave them our pager numbers so they wouldn’t be subject to the humiliaaon of coming to the block to get their drugs. So we would deliver. We thought we had it all figured out.

My Mom and Aunts and other relaaves told me I was hot and shouldn’t be wearing all that jewelry and toong guns. But I was a Gangsta and didn’t listen and therefore led to my downfall. As I stayed on the block one night tryna be greedy an undercover cop came to me and bought drugs. I ended up geeng locked up because I was drunk and high which caused me to slip up and lose my freedom once again. I was like, “DAMN I done fucked up again!”

So as I went through the system I talked to an O.G. and he told me that I could get out that same day if I told the judge that I was a user and I was just selling to keep up my habit. At first I was like, “Hell naw, I ain’t goin out like that. I ain’t no fiend.”

But he sat me down and told me this. “Hey you might not do the drugs that you sell, but you are a fiend. Look at you. You got the shakes and shit from that liquor.

You beeer wise up youngblood and do what you need to do to get up ouua here.”

Then I looked around the bullpen and saw people laid out. Some throwing up because they were dope sick. Others packed together standing room only like I was on a slave ship with the smell of armpits permeaang the air. I decided to do what he said and just like he told me I was released that same day to intensive probaaon, beeer known as TASC.

I was out of jail, but I couldn’t drink or smoke. I thanked God for blessing me to be out of that overcrowded cesspool called the Cook County Jail. It felt awesome to leave out and breathe fresh air. It definitely was a blessing, but liile did I know it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

It started with me reporrng to my probaaon officer which I had 72 hours to do so.

So I reported to 1500 N. Clybourn. As I got off the train in unfamiliar territory I had a bad feeling that I was in over my head. I found the center and reported to the recepponist and she directed me to a waiing room. It was very clean and had pamphlets available.

So I picked one up and opened it to find meeengs throughout Chicagoland. I skimmed through it, listening to the elevator music that was playing throughout the facility. I’m preey sure it was WNUA 95.5.

So finally my name was called and I went to see my P.O. He was a white man shorter than myself with a potbelly and a cheap suit. His name was Mr. Pellegrino. I greeted him with a head nod and said, “what’s up?”

He took one look at me with my baggy Girbaud jeans, Avirex jacket and Jordans on my feet and snapped off. “Take off those earrings and address me as Sir. Go piss in this cup right now and you are to report to me every week for the next 2 years. If you drop dirty or even if your levels for marijuana raise, your black ass is going straight back to the County!”

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So the relaaonship with my P.O. was definitely something I didn’t like. Very strict.

I was required to report once a week and drop every week. So that I meant I couldn’t get drunk or high.

I couldn’t find a job that would allow me off days to see my P.O. So I kept selling crack cocaine and ended up hanging on the block hustlin with the guys. Just drinking at first, but eventually smoking weed also.

So when I dropped dirty, my P.O. didn’t violate me at first. So I took things ouua hand and the next couple of weeks my P.O. asked me why do I keep dropping dirty. “Your marijuana levels keep increasing.” My reply was, “I’m not dropping dirty, there isn’t any cocaine in my system.”

So he violated me and I had to stay at the County approximately 45 days and they would let me out. This went on regularly and I stayed in the County at least twice a year. What started off as a 2 years probaaon ended up being 5 years. I finally got off on an unsaasfactory discharge which means I am ineligible for probaaon in the State of Illinois for the rest of my life.

All because I wouldn’t listen and thought I could out maneuver the system. AAer that I stayed out of trouble for 16 years and figured I had everything figured out. I had conformed a liile bit and was living on the right side of the law by not selling drugs and working a 9 to 5. But I was ssll drinking and smoking, and by now I was into more than weed.

Cocaine to be exact. I would buy fifihs of liquor and 16th’s of cocaine and find me a hooker I could party with. Then that turned bad and led to a tragedy and injussce. Because of that situaaon I’ve been fighhng for my life for almost 3 years. 30 months to be exact.

So my message is very clear. Throughout all of my life I have been through some ups and downs, but I was always given a chance to do right, but I never listened and thought I was smarter or more cunning than the average man. But I always ended up on the losing end because I wouldn’t take heed to the blessings that were bestowed upon me.

So I offer this advice to someone with the same character traits as myself, just give in. It’s easier to follow the rules instead of choosing or creaang our own route. Just listen someemes and take heed. Your life will be back on track faster, if you ever happen to stray on the wrong path at someeme in your life.

Another thing, last but not least, my Dad taught me this poem that sums this life lesson up very cleverly and it says:

“There once was a bird who lived in an Oak, The more he saw the less he spoke.

The less he spoke the more heard, So most of us need to be like that Bird.”

So the moral of my story is that when adversity rears its ugly head, we have to look inside ourselves and use what we have. Our own life experiences teach us to work our way through difficult mes because life is not always a walk in the park.

Through life’s experiences we learn to be beeer and also see certain situaaon’s soluuons before they can unfold. By learning from another person’s mistakes and triumphs, or taking heed to an older, wiser, more experienced person’s statements or thoughts. Listening is a key component as far as going through life.

We all have heard it before, but a lot of mes we all have the tendency to think we are able to ďŹ gure everything out by ourselves. Which is not a bad thing, but if we humbled ourselves and learned to listen, we would open up a world of easier life soluuons so we didn’t have to learn the hard way. If we only heed to simple suggessons that we all have been hearing since we were toddlers.

So now I am very grateful for the early spiritual blessings that were bestowed upon me by my Granny. It goes to prove through all my life experiences that God never lee me hanging and always tried to warn me before my own self-centeredness always put me on a course with the wrong path.

Now I know what my Granny meant when she said a hard head makes a soo ass. With the trouble that I am going through now, I someemes wish that I can start over. Take heed to those wise words and apply them to my life a lot earlier, now that I understand.

I wonder if it is too late?

I am from love, affection, passion,

I am from Chicago, Illinois

determination and discipline

With family members from Minnesota, Missouri

By way of Norma Jean Young and Sandalio Ingram

Memphis, California and New York

I am from delicious soul food, Sunday dinners and Sunday A food item that represents my family: sermons

Nice and hearty gumbo

And beautiful strains of purple haze and master kush

Over a bed or rice

Also aloe vera plants, mustard turnips and collard greens

And hot buttered biscuits from scratch

That have been simmering in different seasonings

With the sweetness of a sock it to me cake

And smoked turkey tails I’m from family reunions, cookouts, softball games

It was a time when my grandmother told me about

Dominos and spades

How they used to have to get up at the crack of dawn

Where all of us are connected through our blood line

To do farm work

down south

And how we had it easy

In Prentiss, Mississippi

With the household chores that were assigned to us.

From Hattie and Rex Mikell and Trulie and Wallace Young Glenes Ingram and Rex Bennett I’m from the loud talkin, beer drinkin, football watching Alpha male antagonist Men that know how to only speak when spoken to I’m from the Southern Baptist Christian faith That loves a good sermon from a good, dignified preacher And a whole lotta uplifting songs from the choir