Even Though I’m Broken, I’m Divine by Devinier Hall

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expanding the voices and sharing personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the healing process of drafting, revising, and publishing memoirs, participants develop selfreflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

With support from Chicago CRED, ConTextos works with New Mount Pilgrim MB Church’s MAAFA Redemption Project. MAAFA’s mission is to significantly improve the quality of life for young men of color and their families on West Garfield Park providing dormitory-style residential support, workforce training, personal/spiritual-development, and a host of wrap-around social services. The embedded ConTextos Authors Circle provides a synergistic space of reflection, connection and healing growth as authors continue to forge new life chapters.

The powerful memoirs from the 2021-2022 MAAFA Author Circle complicate myopic, monolithic narratives and include an array of Sankofa Stories, transformative experiences and vibrant insights of young men on the West Side of Chicago.

I’m from the windy city Where the wind ain’t the only thing that blow.

I’m from where the city running wild No respect, no honor, no loyalty, no love I come from tough love is the best love or you don’t get no love.

I’m from where the kids having kids and no one raising their kids.

Everyone chase the money and clout Not chasing dreams or taking care of their responsibilities

I come from a tough love family Where everybody looking out for theirselves No help, no unity, no honor, no love I’m from where you got to look out for yourself If you don’t, a motherfucker gone get you for everything you got.

You can’t put nothing down…if you do it’s gone.

I’m from the bottom where it’s nothing to be proud about Where it is kill your hope for dreaming Making a way out where you pray and hope for better days Where you got to get out of mud, then pound a clock.

A memoir is a personal narrative that shares reflections, insights and transformative experiences of an author’s life journey.

Have you ever looked at yourself as a guardian angel, or someone’s guardian angel? Well I do, but at first I didn’t. Reason why I say that because my little sister passed away March 25, 2021. I took over fatherhood from my niece Layla, even though I have always been there for my sister and niece. The reason why I call myself their guardian angel because I stood up, and took responsibility when no one did. Even though, I took a big role even when I knew I couldn’t handle it, or was in the right position to take on this responsibility. I always wanted to get married, and start my own family.

My little sister had that. She got married at a young age, became a mother at a young age as well. I still remember when she first got pregnant with my niece. She was scared of having a baby at a young age. I was with her every step of the way.

No matter what decisions she made, I was proud of her, and her new journey she was beginning. My sister was my best friend. We felt each other pain without even being around each other. My sister was my strength, she the reason why I can’t give up on anything. I took on her responsibilities when no one else did. My niece lost her parents at an early age. I couldn’t imagine losing mines. I can’t replace them, but I can always be there for her no matter what. Even though it’s been a struggle, I’ma make it through by dealing with my niece.

I think she knew she was good, that’s why she left her for me. When I look back a few years ago, she told me, “If something ever happens to her, look after her baby.”

I told her, “Don’t talk like that, you wrong, you know I got her.” So, as of today I got guardianship of my niece, and taking on the responsibilities my sister left me. It’s like I’m raising my little sister again. I got a second chance to raise my sister again.

Sankofa is a word from the Ghanian Twi language meaning “Go back and get it.” “Sankofa teaches us that we must go back to our roots in order to move forward. That is, we should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so that we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone or been stripped of can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated.”* *UIC African American Studies Department

March 5, 2021 was the day the battles started, but it wasn’t the first battle but was the toughest one that I ever fought. Let me tell you why.. Let’s start here….

I remember that day like it was yesterday then, that’s what it feels like. I was just chilling around the house, just like a normal day chilling, talking to my little brother Shaq talking about life. Then we got a phone call from my little sister Tayniya, but it wasn’t Tayniya on the other end, it was her boyfriend crying and screaming asking for me, and telling us we need to get up and go check up on my sister Tayniya, she stop breathing and they not giving him information.

I was in a shock for a second. All I could think about was my niece Layla, I didn’t ask no question. Me and lil bro headed south to Holy Cross. The whole ride south, all I could think of is my sister, praying for her hoping everything alright. While driving there, we about almost got into a car accident. Right before we got into the hospital it was a car crash infront of us. A car infront of us had blew the light, we was driving angry behind them. We couldn’t do nothing but pray for them. We had to get to my sister. Once we got there, they said we at the wrong door so I asked them, “Where the door to go to?”

Besides the bullshit going on, I gave them my sister’s name and everything, so we went to the emergency side of the hospital. They was calling them, and telling them to come back around. We was at the right door the first time, so we waited on the doctor to come down to talk to us. They started to ask us all type of questions, how we related to her. I told them, I was her oldest brother, “My mama I don’t know where she at, and what’s wrong with my lil sister? Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

First thing he said, my lil sister coded out, and they brought her back and then put her in a medical reduced coma. I didn’t panic. I asked, ”how long she been without air to her brain?” He said, “4 to 5 minutes.” He was still trying to ask about our mother. I told him, “Our mama run the streets, I don’t know where she at.” Even though I know exactly where she at. I was trying to get upstairs to the ICU, so I was trying to warn lil bro when he walked up to prepare him for what he was about to see, so he won’t freak out even though the doctor was talking to us about how everything goes. But this ain’t the first time my lil sister was in ICU, but it was her last.

So, we walk in the room seeing the tubes hook up to her. Seeing my lil sis laying there, fuck me up. Outta all the battles we came though, all our life struggles, I knew she was a fighter. Let the fight begin.

Where I’m going?

The real question is where I’m at.

I can tell you that right now, I’m lost trying to find my way mentally.

I know my purpose, or do I? Or is I selling myself short?

Or is I not doing enough?

But at least I know where I’m willing to go.

I wanted to be at peace with my soul.

Stop the exercise, and just put in the work.

Just go somewhere like Dubai.

What I’m looking for is peace, love, and family.

My goal is to become the man that leads his family in righteous ways, walks in honor, and faith.

Spreads leading energy on it’s own.