Living In Hell by Finesse

LIVING IN HELL

Finesse

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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LIVING IN HELL Finesse

I had a very, very, uncontrollable anger problem growing up. Well, I don’t know if I shall

say had, or have. Just say I’ve learned how to not let it reach that level. When I get mad, I black out and I use to try to attack any, and everyone in sight…. Kids, brothers,sisters, dogs, cats, whatever. One time, I was so mad and we had a cat. I grabbed the cat, and slammed the cat against the wall by its tail like 5 times, but that wasn’t it. After that, I

grabbed the cat, and put the cat in the deep freezer in the basement. They didn’t find the cat until the next day(10-12 hours).

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I n d o . e s n s s r a a u c o I w , d t y i n d ebo an a who c r m I e o t t t s a wha 't m e n m d i l el It d nd t a y d dad

Since I didn’t have a daddy, I didn’t listen to no man on earth. He tried to make me clean the yard because I was suspended from school. He tried to make me do it all by myself.

So, he kept grabbing on me and pushing me out the door. I was getting so mad. When I was outside, he came out there doing the most. Poin ting at shit, and giving me orders.

I just sat there. He grabbed me and push me to the grou nd. It was a brick right by me. I grabbed it, and hit him in the head like Craig did Debo on Friday.

My brother fell out and was sleep, but I thought he was dead. At that moment, I didn’t

care. I saw everybody come running out the house, so I ran and came back like 3 days

later. I was at one of my friends' house. When he went to school, I stayed in his crib. His

peoples went to work before we had to be at school, so I was there chilling, eating up

everything.

When I finally decided to come back, my brother was there and he tried to rush me, but I

was ready for all that. I pulled out a knife and he stopped in his tracks. He knows I’ll slice

his ass up. Everybody yelling,”Put that knife down!” I kept the knife on me the whole time I

was in the house. I put my bed by the door so nobody can come in while I was sleep.

I was just recovering from being possessed by the devil. I couldn’t think for myself when

I was poses. I can see and hear things, but I felt like I was trapped ina robot body, or

something. All I did was sit in this one spot the whole time, just looking at everything. I

didn’t eat or nothing. They would have people to come and talk to me, but the closer they

get to me, I’ll get mad. Well, I didn’t get mad, I just felt myself punching at the air. One

time, The Preacher or whoever they had, tried to creep up on me, and touch me.I saw me

choking this man and they pulled him off me.

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I’m done talking about this shit tho.

This shit used to haunt me. I used to actually see real demons, and see them in people. I

used to see 2 shadows behind people.

The more I try to convert over to God, it’ll get worse. I’ve read that, there was a war I

was going thru, and if anybody tried to give their full life to God, it’ll happen to them too.

Right now, people is just living and not knowing you’re with the Devil's trap. I remember

though, I couldn’t sleep. I still til this day see shit, but it don’t scare me, so he don’t do it

to scare me.

I just want to tell y'all, if you know you’re not 100% positive and sin. You are being

trapped by The Devil. It’s possible to do right by God. God gives everyone a choice.

It’s your choice to do right, you can’t be perfect physically or mentally, but you can be

perfect spiritually. First of all, I needed god but to my knowledge, I didn’t feel loved or

had no attention as a child. I was always to myself.

One day, I found myself talking to me the mirror. I was always alone at home. My

brothers were outside with friends doing things kids do. I just stayed in the house, in my

room drawing Mortal Kombat characters. Some say that’s probably how I allowed my

demons in me. But if it was, that can be possible, but I actually think it was because of

that Luigi board. I decided to play it.. And everything went left after that.

I used to draw Mortal Kombat characters just them by themselves, but after that board

game, I started drawing the characters cutting off each other's heads, body parts, and

just all types of killing. One day, I was in my room late night and I felt this cold breeze.

Then my whole room felt cold. All of a sudden, I felt like I was sleepy, but I don't know

what it was. It was like I dozed off but I thought I was sleep, but I was actually awoke the

whole time. It felt like I was in a long dream. But at first, I thought It was a dream until I

actually felt feelings. I felt myself awoke, and somewhat sleepy or I don't know what to

call it.

But basically, all I needed was love attention that I didn’t get from nobody. My Mom

wasn’t around my childhood. I stayed with my Granddaddy. So, Yeah once the family

saw I was a top student in school. All the family was trying to get me to stay with them,

but when they heard about my evil spirits, they all back down but not my Auntie.

She was the Christian Auntie who was all about Jesus. She had Jesus all thru her house.

She had a clock that said,”Praise God,” everytime, it hit the hour. She went to church

every Sunday and bible study on Wednesdays. I never seen her with a man. The whole

family said the same. My Mom told me my Auntie got kidnapped when she was little,

and my Granddaddy found her, and killed the man and did like 10-15 years in Prison.

So, My Auntie was all about love. She knew exactly what I neede d, and wanted. She told the family,”Bring him to me, I’ll get that ugly demon outta him.” She used to try to just put her hand over my forehead and pray. That didn’t work. I still had moments when I felt like hurting people, but my Auntie kept me happy 24/7. So, I didn’t have time to be mad.

She spent $10,000 on me the first day I moved in. She took me to Six flags, Hollywood Park, all the fun places. She took me to Gamestop, and brought me all the newest games. Funny thing though, she didn’t let me buy Mortal Kombat. She said,”This is the Devil’s game, you don’t need this.” She didn’t let me buy no games that had killing in it.

So, I was ok with basketball games. She didn’t allow me to listen to Rap music. I had to buy some headphones. Basically, she was with all the god holy shit, and I was not into that…

At the time, but the more I was there, she saw how unloved I was. She taught me to show love and greet people with manners. Before I didn’t give a fuck who you was, I wouldn’t even give you eye contact. My Auntie hated that about me. She always told me,”I’m gone get that Demon outta you.” So, One day I spent a night over my cousin’s house, and that night I was over there, I saw a demon floating by the door staring at me.

It was raining, and thundering outside.

My Cousin was sleep during this moment. They say when “You” see a demon, it’s only meant for “You” to see it. So, I was looking at it like,”Ok, what the fuck do you want?” I wasn’t scared of them due to the fact I seen them so many times, but while the demon was floating in the doorway, I threw a shoe at it and the shoe went through the son of a bitch. I just was like,”Damn. I never knew they ass was actually like a ghost.” But out of nowhere, the lightning from the thunder sounded, the light from the flashes lit up the room, and I saw a full face. It looked like a wolf, or something.

A Human Wolf, reptile or some shit. His Eyes was glowing yellowish orange. You would’ve expected it to be red right? Naw, and his clothes was like all dark like a long ripped up dress, or something. But I didn’t panic, or get scared. I was told they feed off fear, it was funny though, I just turned over and layed down, and went to sleep on his goof ass.

t to s later, and he was still there. I though I looked over my shoulders like 5 min him up.” When my cousin woke up,and I told sin cou my e wak me let it, ck ,”Fu self my ga hing over there.” I’m like,”Wow, this nig not t ain’ an ,”M like was he r, doo the at to look , him up. He got up to use the bathroom e wok I d ma was ”He mf. this see ’t really don side and r, this damn demon just floated to the and when he walked towards the doo disappeared.

When I got back to my Aunties house, I told her about that and she said,”Me-me, you don't have to worry about the devil stepping a foot up in this house!” I believed her because I’ve never felt that energy behind me like somebody was behind me, or saw a demon or heard no creepy noises.

I also didn’t have any nightmares no more. So, I came to my senses that maybe this God, Jesus person is the right way to go. So One night, I was talking to myself… Well talking to God. I was just talking like,”Aye God, if you really a God, show me the right way. Why am I here? Who are you?” Then I started asking him questions like he was one of the guys. I asked God,”How can I get Jessica to like me?,” “Do you think I’ll make it to the NBA?” But anyway later, Jessica came up to me and asked me,”Do you have a girlfriend?” I said,”Naw.” Then she said,”Ok well, I’m your girlfriend now,”

That was somewhat crazy, but that was like a week later after that night I’d talked to god.

But after that night I’d talked to god, he works in mysterious ways. I was at the store the very next day, and this lady randomly came to me, and said,”Hey, you look mighty tall, you think you can hand me that box of rice from up there.”

I got it for her and she said,”Thank you.” But after she said thank you, she just got to randomly talking about what I was talking about last night to God, then she gave me all my answers. From that day on, I knew God was real…….

I started witnessing miracles. I’ve also noticed that my life was all about happiness now.

I didn’t feel angry for no reason. I also thought before I reacted everything was positive.

Positive vibes, energy, people, etc..

10 feet is real is when I got shot at 10 times, god w kno me let t tha ed ess witn I acle A mir ctly ody but God. The bullet holes were exa nob was t Tha . me hit let bul 1 not away and ut to ugh me or something. I knew I was abo thro ight stra t wen had lets bul the like behind me t nt feel shot. I remember when I got sho did I and up ked loo I red clea ke smo die but after the body searching I was shot. So I looked all around my before and I was shot and didn’t know of Jesus”. e. At that moment I’d said “The Blood for blood and it wasn't no blood nowher

The Blood of Jesus is something my aunt taught me to say whenever I feel like the Devil is messing with me. Trust me it works. I don’t know what type of secret code of life that is, but it works. Especially the times when you wake up and can;t move due to the fact

that the devil is holding you down. They say that the demon's name is Succubus or Incubus. I think Succubus is the male demon and Incubus is the female. Anyway just say The Blood of Jesus and the demon will leave quicker than the speed of light.

I I started to feel like I was invincible because I was protected by God. I didn;t fear death. he’ll would go places without a gun or anyone with me. I told myself if God wants me dead call for me. All my friends was like “yo ass crazy boy you better keep a gun on you”. Fuck that The Blood of Jesus is my weapon. Better yet my army, my lord and saviour.

Now that I felt invincible, I was on the block with this guy I play basketball at the gym with.

We was sitting in the front parked on the street facing south. The car was still running because we were parked the wrong way. I left my car at home with my BM. I didn’t drive when we went to the gym. I didn;t trust the area. My friend Mike, who we called MC, was in the driver’s seat and I was in the passenger seat waiting for this female I knew to bring us out our food plates. As soon as she got to the car she was waving to my side of the door and when I looked at the window I saw a car creeping up with an arm out the window. Shit he was already like right behind the car.

He stopped by my window and let off 4 shots. I don’t know how but I ended up out the backseat window behind the driver’s seat. I rolled on the floor and ran through the gangway. Nobody was shot. MC was still in the car ducking. The female said “you like teleported out the back window” I just laughed and said ``The Blood of Jesus “ under a mumble.

I Am From Poem Finesse I am from Earth From Hell and Heaven I am from the land of the so called free Freedom of speech, freedom of life, Freedom to be me I am from the planet of water, humans, and oxygen Basically the planet where you can live I’m from the planet they say is flat or round Where when you die they bury you in the ground I’m from where they tell you it’s a God From where they tell you if you be bad Santa Clause ain’t gonna give you no gifts for Christmas I’m from where money is the root of all evil So Finesse the world don’t let the world finesse you I’m from Blacks are the first race But when you read the history books you don’t see a Black face I’m from where you really don’t know where you from From where we’re surrounded by the stars, moon, and the sun

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