New Years, New Tears

Darius Carter

New Years, New Tears

Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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New Years, New Tears Darius Carter

Well, my life has been going downhill ever since January 2, 2016. This exact day is the day that I went from loving and just couldn’t wait for the month of January, to hating and despising the month. I started off well, I was born into this cold world on January 1, 1993. New Years Day, which is one week after Christmas. I don’t really remember too many of my younger birthdays.

But I do remember as they passed and I was getting older that every year my mom would buy me two fifths of the wine for kids doe. This one year I was about 10, no more than 12 years old.

Me and my lil brother decided that we wanted to be grown. So we hit my mom and his dad’s liquor stash. We poured our drinks out of our two bottles then replaced it with some Paul Marson Martel and some of my mom’s red wine. Oh, if that wasn’t the most harsh taste, then I don’t know what is.

So here we are--10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Right before we screamed Happy New Years, we all heard Boom! Boom! Crack up! Crack up!--about like a good fifteen to twenty shots that sounded like they were coming from upstairs. It was my pops and older brother letting off Pop’s guns on the balcony, so of course she was cursing, talking about damn guns. That was my first time seeing or hearing a gun go off and definitely wasn’t my last.

December 31, 2012.

Me and one- well, it was a few of my homeboys who were Capricorns as well as me- we threw this big ass Hennessy party at my sister’s crib on 49th and Princeton. Everybody had to bring their own fifth of Hennessy, so of course everybody was drunker than a mf until it was a little altercation that sent the whole party up. A lot of shots got let off. I mean a lot of shots, but no one got hit, thank God.

October 28, 2014.

I was just getting off work from Apostolic Church of God, which is located two blocks away from my block- well, the neighborhood I grew up in since I was a baby. I decided to stop on the block to check to make sure everything was straight and it wasn’t. Come to find out these niggas, the guys, done traded my seventeen shot Baretta 9mm for a mf’in eight shot compact KelTech 40.

So I tell them like “Stop playing. Whose gun is this and where is mine?” My lil homie says, “But big bro, it’s a 40.” I slaps my head, over blew, so then he tells me that it came with two clips. So I wanted to beat him, but I didn’t. I just grabbed my gun and left them on the block pipeless, but little did I know I should’ve left it.

I ended up walking to the bus stop by myself. I get to the bus stop, then all of a sudden I see a police car bust a u-turn then pull up right to the bus stop and ask me to get on the car. So, as I’m trying to figure out why they stopped me, I take one step towards the cops, one male, one female. I think to myself, like, maybe they won’t feel it. I quickly dismissed that idea. I take a second step towards the cops. I remember thinking back all the way to 2010 when I got caught with my first gun, and I found out that possession is nine tenths of the law. Then that’s when I thought, like, “Fuck that! I gotta get this gun off me.” So, I turned around and took right off like a bat out of hell.

The female officer tried to catch and grab me, but she was too slow and ended up twisting her ankle. So, as I’m running I make two rights, and she was still, like, not behind me but in sight of me. I make a left. Now I’m out of sight. I instantly pull the Blick out overhead, toss the Blick up on the lower part of the roof because I was gon try to come back for it later. So I keep running.

At this point I’m tired as fuck, so I came up to these YMCA short buses. I crawled underneath the back of the bus. My heart racing as fast as my mind. I end up taking off my bright ass highlight orange hoodie I was wearing. Then I stuffed it over the muffler. Then that’s when I thought, “Let me try to get my ass on top of the muffler as well.” So I get my legs up first, but quickly realize that I wasn’t gon fit, but by this time all I hear is sirens and screeching tires pulling into the parking lot.

So, now I had to make the best of my hiding spot. Now as I’m seeing all the police cars pulling up, hopping out, I grab hold of something underneath the bus and pulled my upper body up and held that position. I ended up dropping everything out my pockets: my backwoods, phones, loose change, and a Magnum condom I always used to carry.

By this time, I’m hearing walkie talkies and seeing two feet coming my way. Now it wasn’t dark yet, but he flashed the light under the bus and I’m thinking, like, “The jig’s up,” but that wasn’t the case. This motherfucker yells out “Clear!” As I instantly get to tweaking, like real live talking to myself, like “He ain’t never just not see me” laughing and shit. So, I grab my phone up off the ground to find out that it was dead. Now as I reach down for my government phone, I take the phone and call my homie T-Moe who lived on the block which was two blocks from where I was hiding.

He picks up the phone instantly talking about, “Bitch, where the fuck you at. The block is hot.”

I tells him, like, “Nigga, let off a couple shots in the air for me.” That I was hiding under the bus.

He tells me to stay where I was and that it wasn’t no gun on the block. So, I tells him, like, “Walk to the corner and tell me what do you see,” but in the middle of me telling him that, I can hear and see a couple cars screeching off, sirens on. So I tells my homie, like, “Man, bro. I’m finna try to catch my bus. It should be pulling up.” He tells me no, stay where I was. But I said “Bro, fuck that! My bus coming. I can hear it coming.”

So, he tells me to stay on the phone. I’m like “Aight, Bet.” So, I climbed out from underneath the bus. As I’m walking out, I look to my right and instantly regret not listening to my homie. So, I say “Fuck, bro.” He asks, “What?” I tells him, like, “This bitch ass nigga Officer Moore just seen me.”

So he like, “Did he see you?” I’m like, “I couldn’t really tell. I wasn’t trying to stare his way.” So, as I’m coming out of the parking lot, the CTA bus is passing by. So, I take off after it, flagging it down. I gets on the bus. I was walking to the back of the bus thinking that I got away. As soon as I sat down, alls I see is blue lights pulling in front of the bus. Then Officer Moore getting on the bus, talking about, “Da Da Da. Stand up. Put your hands behind your back.”

Then he escorted me to his police car and pulled me right back to the scene. The whole time he grilling me, tryna get me to tell on myself, asking me where the gun was at. I told him I ain’t have no gun, that I had some weed. He like, “Naw, I ain’t do all that running for no weed.” and stated to me that I wasn’t gon keep getting lucky. As I’m just sitting, handcuffs tight as hell, in the back of the police car for about 30 to 45 minutes, I finally hear one of the goofy officers say, “He might have thrown it up on the roof.” SMH. I pulls out my government phone, dial my BM number telling her that I love her, and I was about to go to jail. I ended up spending my first birthday in jail.

Jan 2, 2016.

I woke up to my youngest brother telling me, “Happy belated birthday.” He had a fat ass wood and a dutch in hand, tossed ‘em to me and told me to flame up. So, now it’s me and both my little brothers smoking when my phone rings. It was my homies Jon Jon and Kari tryna get a session started. So I tells them, “Ight, bet, here I come.”

As soon as I get off the phone, my youngest brother appears in my doorway talking about, “Come on, man, put me in traffic.” So, here I am standing and procrastinating literally for about 5 to 10 mins. Deciding if I wanted to bring my Blick. Well, I didn’t. So, I pulls up to my homie’s crib on 74th & Philips. So Kari instantly realizes we about to be five deep and tells me that he had his Blick on him. So, I tell him like, “Ah, well, come on. I left my shit in the crib.” So, of course he gets the window seat, but my little brother gets out the car saying he not sitting in the middle.

Jon Jon saying the same thing. I’m laughing at they ass, smoking weed. After 5 mins of back and forth, my little brother says, “Fuck it, I’ll sit in the middle.”

So, as I’m driving, tryna figure out our destination, I say, “Fuck it. Might as well pull on the block until I find some hoes to kick it with.” So, as I'm pulling up to the light on 63rd & Stony Island, Kari tells me to go to the currency exchange on 67th and Stony Island. That alone is what probably saved my life. As I turn right, I was getting ready to buss a U turn. As I’m looking in my mirror, I see this car close as fuck to my shit, so I’m like in the middle of getting ready to look from my mirror to the car itself. That’s when the shots started ,and I had my radio blasting so loud that I barely heard the shots.

So, after turning, I would say I was doing like 15 mph, I was able to stop the car and get my little brother. He was in the front, and he tucked and rolled out of the car. I instantly pulls off after the car knowing Kari had his Blick. I throw the car in sport mode, take a quick look in my rearview mirror. The car made a right turn on 60th Street and got caught at a red light. I turn right. They hanging out the window and shoot two more times, hitting the front of my car. I stop my car telling Kari like, “Bro, what the fuck? Blow.” In the middle of me saying that, he’s telling me the window wouldn’t come down because it was shot. At this point, I finally realize my little brother was hit. There was blood everywhere all over his face.

I tell Kari to get out the car. I had to get him to the hospital. So, now I'm pedal to the floor, running light after light, with Jon Jon yelling in my car that they just shot Pooh Pooh. I got to the hospital in no more than 3 mins. I pull up blowing my horn like crazy. Jon Jon hops out to go get help. I hop out, open the backdoor and blood was just pouring out onto the ground like a waterfall. I fall out, balling, crying and screaming out “No’s”, “How’s,” and “Why’s.” I pulled out my phone and dialed my Stepfather’s number.

As the phone was ringing, I seen how limp and lifeless my little brother's body was as they were putting him on the stretcher. My Stepfather picks up the phone like, “Wassup, Junebug?” something he has been calling me since I was a small child. I couldn’t get a single word out, just sobbing and crying. He tells me to slow down, to breathe. “What happened?” “Where you at?

I tell him that they just shot and killed Pooh Pooh, and that I was at the University of Chicago hospital. He told me that he would be there in 5 mins. After that call, I made one more call to my older Step brother to tell him that his youngest brother lost his life under my watch.

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I walk up to the bed the moment I laid my eyes on him. His head was swole up almost the size of a pumpkin. He had tubes all in his nose and mouth, dried up blood on his face. I got so angry at myself because I knew it was my fault. My fault because I got caught lacking. My fault because I shouldn’t never let him come in the first place. My fault all because that was D.A’s brother, let the trigger man and all his homies call it. My fault all because I wasn’t being the big brother I should’ve been.

3 months later, April 1, 2016. April Fool’s Day. I was at work 30 minutes early using my fingerprint to clock in. Beep. “Thank you.” “No, thank you,” as I would always say back. I worked at Apostolic Church of God, full time custodian on the night shift. So this particular night, it was Thursday, also known as Thirsty Thursday at Adrianna nightclub. Of course my boys were down for a night of fun. See, now me on the other hand, every since my lil brother got killed, I really only went out with high hopes of bumping into my brother’s killers. So, this night I basically ran through my area of the building. I did a quick look at everything, making sure the area was clean.

Then I went to my locker, grabbed my hoodie and my Blick, and bounced. Oh, yeah- I forgot to mention the fact that I went everywhere and did nothing without my Blick. I was taking Blick to court with me, leaving it right under my seat. I would real live, sleep, shit, and shower with my Blick. Ever since lil bro got killed, I had made a vow to never get caught without it. Goddamn it! That's exactly what happened. After work, I picked up lil bro, my homie and his brothers and my other homies. Instead of going straight to the club, my lil homies Jon Jon and Kari was tryna trail us to the club, but Kari's girl’s birthday party was lit up, so of course you know bro’em wanted to slide. So we did.

As soon as we turn onto this one way street, it was so dark that I could barely see the transformers with their lights off coming head on. As they come into my view, I instantly turn the music down. As they’re passing my car, I see all four white faces damn near breaking they necks to look in my car.

I pull up to the stop sign. It’s another trans coming through the stop sign as the first trans was bussin a U-turn. They did the same exact thing. I tells everybody in my car to get ready- here they come. They box me in, jump out, guns drawn, yelling out, “Hands, let me see your hands.” My window cracked and I was complying with everything they said, until the officer tries to tell me to get out of my car. I instantly gets mad. I told him like, “Dayumm. You ain’t gon ask for license and insurance?” Then I locks door- well, I thought I did anyway, because he opens my door, pointing his gun directly at me to get me out the car or he was going to shoot me in my face.

The look on his face, plus the three guns that I knew was finna be found, told me that I better do as he says. At the same time, I was cursing myself for not getting my gun off my hip. As I’m getting out the car, the Blick falls down my pants leg and gets stuck at the bottom. As I’m getting searched, this mf didn’t even find my shit. So now I’m thinking about running until they cuffed me and my homie together.

After they got us all out of the car, they began their search, and found a .40 caliber Smith & Wesson under my seat. Then another officer finds a .25 caliber in the glove box. Then he says, “Search them again” and end up finding a .45 caliber Millenium in my pants leg. I instantly tell myself like, “It’s over with for me.” I had a Blick in my background, was currently out on bond for a Blick, and now another one. Smh! I ended up spending my second birthday behind bars.

Jan 5, 2018, one of my longtime friends was shot and killed. We called him Big Lonnie because he was as big as a tree. It was his birthday and his last day on earth. R.I.P Lonnie.

Jan 2, 2019 I was at my friend Ferro’s crib out in the burbs with this fool steady tryna use my glock to hit a lick with and I just wasn’t feeling it. So I caught his sister getting ready to head out to the city, so you know I instantly caught a ride with her. Now at the time, I was staying with my sister on 49th and Princeton. That’s where I was headed but never made it. Actually we made it to 47th and Princeton, but got pulled over.

Then we found out that her license was revoked, and of course I got caught with yet another gun.

Guns have been a part of my life since I was a young boy, I really don’t know how because my Mom definitely never allowed me to play with no type of guns growing up not even water guns.

Losing my lil brother definitely changed my view on guns, which was to never ever do nothing without a gun to protect, not only myself, but the people I love as well. Coming in here to jail has changed my view. From always keep it, never leave it, to don’t even touch it because now if i get caught with it again I’ll be looking at 6 to 30 years not only of my life, but my kids life as well.

It’s funny my earliest memories of guns was the excitement I felt hearing the sounds of guns being fired on New Year’s Eve. Today the thought of guns and the New Year brings me to this uncomfortable place of sadness and loss on a day in which I should be celebrating my true new year. My Birthday.

Darius Carter I am from Sports

I’m from Left, Right, Center and Big eyes

From Febreeze and Air Wicks

From Brenda Millison and Odell Carter

I am from the townhouse on the South Side of Chicago,

I’m from the BBQs at granny’s house

But we say East Side

From “one fight, you all fight”

Killers, rappers, you could get killed then put on a diss track

And “don’t let nobody put they hands on you”

I am from Marijuana Green, Orange, Purple, and very sticky

And getting drunk and high

I'm from Chicago and The Carter’s Sweet Potato Pie and Banana Pudding

Until the lion learns to write his own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright © 2020 ConTextos