W.A.Y.S.: Why Aren't You Smiling?

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising, and publishing

LION SPEAKS

memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

With the support of Chicago CRED, this fourth Circle of Roses grew out of the need for women to have a space dedicated solely to their hearts, minds, spirits, and voices. Circle of Roses brings together a seemingly disparate collection of women only to discover the ties that bind them together as beautiful, thoughtful, and intelligent Black women of Chicago. Housed in a former church on 95th Street, with gloriously colorful stained glass setting the scene, Circle of Roses saw the coming together of women to speak truths, to engage, to feed souls, and lift spirits. Through close reading, expressive writing, rich conversation, deep reflection, and meaningful artmaking, the women explored questions of identity and how they see and define themselves as Black women, all with the demands and complexity of everyday life in Chicago as a backdrop. This process wasn’t easy, but it was rewarding, resulting in the elegant book you hold.

"Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."

- African Proverb

In collaboration with:

What happens when a constellation of stars gather to share truths, dreams, pain and triumphs? A group of young women from Roseland and beyond, holding intense life experiences and powerful perspectives…mothers and daughters, sisters and best friends, strangers and new acquaintances...co-creating a space to be seen, heard and held in the vibrant, raw truths that reflect our lives. We behold the transformative glory of the Circle of Roses Authors Circle!

INTRODUCTION

Informed by Authors Circle Values such as Be Brave, Be Candid, Ask for Help, Offer Support, Seek Diverse Perspectives, Embrace Your Growth and Embrace Your Truth, we have done what humans have done for centuries. We held space with and for each other to reflect, connect and renew ourselves and our life trajectories.

Why Aren’t You Smiling? (W.A.Y.S.) A question that women across generations have heard. A question we now reclaim and lift up in a new light. The Circle of Roses Authors named their compilation of memoirs with nuance, intention and power. What are the assumptions that we can reveal and complicate in standard questions and beliefs? Why aren’t we smiling? Maybe we are happy, yet our facial expression is a shield. Maybe we are on a positive grind, creating life for ourselves and others and our focus looks intense. Maybe our heart is broken and we feel lost.

Maybe we are honoring our complex, unique truths and feelings. Our power, our wisdom is not dependent on the approval of others. We seek to fully know, understand, accept and give ourselves our own permission to Heal and Thrive!

As human beings we are wired for community, and trauma is isolating. We heal when we reveal, feel and connect. This takes bravery and candor, not facades or performance. In the Circle of Roses journey we continue to reclaim our hearts, our healing, our truths, our connection, our power, our dreams. Tears shed, laughs shared, new relationships built while reading, drafting, sharing feedback and intense moments. We traveled the spiral path of healing every time we gathered. As we complete this journey and you, the reader, hold the harvest of our emotional bravery in your hands, may you give yourself permission to dive deeply.

The Circle of Roses is a force of nature and shows what is possible when we intentionally hold space for each other and our own complex stories. The process of this journey has been powerful beyond measure. We shared our hearts, read and discussed a myriad of memoirs and insights. As a reader, may you embrace the robust symphony of experiences that inform your unique view of life, evolving purpose and own journey here in EarthSchool. May you continue to nourish your purpose, on purpose. May you continue to seek to celebrate the glory in your growth and role in thriving communities near and far, across generations. Beloved Roses, you are loved, needed and important. Trust that.

Blessings, Lisa Kenner ConTextos Facilitator

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LION SPEAKS INTRODUCTION BRIANNA EDINA EDNA ELISSA ENIX SYMONNE HARMON, J. JADA JASMIN JESSIKA W. JESSIERA W. KANAZIA SHORTER

3 5 8 13 15 17 21 27 30 32 34 37 39

WHY AREN’T YOU SMILING?

KHALIA F. LIL JAS RHONDA SARAH SHANAE T. REED SHANNON SHAWN M. SHIRRIKA SUNNY RENEE TAMARA A. KELLEY VERLENA CONNER WHITLEE

42 43 45 49 52 55 57 59 61 66 71 73

Brianna

“FOREVER IS NOT FOREVER. LET GO.”

BRIANNA I am from the Millers and the McCees From barbecues and family reunions

I AM FROM POEM

Every year there was a new place to go But it was always the South I’m from what they call the “Wild, Wild” I grew up on Union, where you can hear the trains going by I am from walking to the gas station on Halsted and Walking the bike trail behind my house to get there I’m from “The Sisters” But I’m also from Barbara, Clyde, Morey, Kim, Pedro and Andre I am from traveling to the South to visit family Watching Grandma laugh with her sisters And teaching me what a fish fry was.

I’m from, “I want you to be better than me.”

And to my Grandma, “I’m trying and I’m almost there.”

HOW I HANDLE

I won’t give up. I’m from my ancestors.

How do I handle hurt?

I don’t. I ignore it and let that person go. I no longer want to feel hurt, so anybody who hurts me has to go. There’s really no more sorrys or excuses that I can take. This new journey is mine and I hold the pen to this book. I’m still here, living and breathing. I deserve so much more.

BRIANNA I lost a lot, but whatever I lost I got it back Whatever is meant for me will always be for me But a lot of things I lost I will never get back I lost my Dad but that was from birth, he was never there

LOST AND FOUND

I lost my mom because mentally no one can take that kind of pain, but she never left me physically I lost connections with my uncle and grandma because they were stressed from watching me while my mom worked every day I lost my mind because they wouldn't let me go outside with my friends I lost time because I had overprotective parents I lost memories I’ll never get back At the age of 18, I lost my boyfriend to six bullets.

He was still alive, but he didn’t remember me I was in college at the time I had lost my first love I lost my feelings Because I took my biggest loss, my grandma I lost myself in temporary relief like drugs and alcohol I lost people who hurt me who claimed they love me I lost my brother. I miss his calls.

I lost tears, I lost time I’ll never get back.

BRIANNA

LOST AND FOUND (CONT.)

With time I found that pain is just a feeling.

It may hurt, but you will get through it.

I found myself multiple times, so I call them “chapters of me” I found my passion, I love to help people I found that only I can make myself happy So I do things that make me happy I found my person that hears all my pain And he makes me smile even when it rains I found I love to cook and bake desserts I found I loved tattoos since I was 16 I found my uncles will do anything for me if I ask them to I found a better relationship with my mom and grandfather I found out my grandpa is really my best friend One of my favorite Pisces I found that I’m really not alone because I finally found me.

To My Peace,

SINCE YOU ASKED

Since you asked why I’m so happy, I’ll tell you…

BRIANNA

Because you bring me peace through the storm When I can’t see right, you become my vision.

You been standing on your word And showing me what real love is.

A bond is a bond And ours is my favorite one.

Grow with me while I grow with you.

I promise I got you for life and after.

-”G”

WHAT’S ON MY HEART AND MIND

I am so tired of work and school.

I feel drained, feel like I do more for others than I do for myself.

One thing is that I’ll take a vacation soon.

I’m not complaining because accomplishing your goals is never easy.

It's a process.

I finally feel like I’m on track To better myself and start my career.

Love is always a challenge.

That part isn’t going to change.

Holidays are coming up and I’m not ready.

It’s just another day.

Edina

“NEVER BE AFRAID TO STAND TALL.”

NEW ME, OLD ME

EDINA

I try, I really do, to be a better person than I was in my earlier age. I don’t wanna be known as the mean girl, or the one no one wants to deal with/be around. But sometimes my old ways do pop up and I have no control once I’m angry. It’s hard to calm me down. That’s why I don’t like to be around people who will bring that old character out of me. I’ve grown so much as an individual and what pisses me off more is when I feel someone is playing with my character of being nice, because I have to show them the old me I work so hard not to be.

Edna

SINCE YOU ASKED

Grandma, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so distant Because every since you left, his family has been cold Because life has changed ever since you left it Because everybody misunderstands everything this family has been through Because the skies aren’t blue, they’re gray Because without you there’s hate, there’s judgment Because without the love from you, life changed Everything seems useless

Elissa

“IF I LOSE MYSELF, I LOSE IT ALL.”

ELISSA I am from Odessa and Michelle From abuse and nature I am from the broken wooden porch And my grandma’s spells

I AM FROM POEM

I am from the leaves and the trees The dirt and seeds And the trees talk when they swing, Dirt makes me sing From the seed that started it all and planted the trees I’m from myself and God From grounding and praying And from bright, worthy, almighty, miracle I’m from, “You’re beautiful, but it won’t get you far.”

And from, “If you use that voice, You’ll shoot like a star.”

I’m from, “My heart won’t win.

My mind never lost.”

I’m from Carbondale, Illinois From Ronnie and Whitey I am from nowhere.

IF I LOSE MYSELF

If I lose myself, I lose it all...

Feeling isolated but not isolating myself has caused me to fall short of my purpose.

What do I do when I feel stuck? I tend to think figuring it out along the way has damaged me more than fixed me, and blurred my path worse than what it was from the start. I feel like I’m on a beach and the waves are coming strong, but when it hits the stones, it doesn’t touch my feet because I think it’s too cold or my sight told me the waves were going to be bigger than my trust. But if I just get in the water and allow my body to sit and get used to the temperature, I’ll be okay.

SINCE YOU ASKED

ELISSA

God, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so hurt.

Because no one listens to me.

Because mom didn’t believe me when Dad did.

Because I have these golden eyes.

Because I don’t know what real love is.

Because when the lights turned off, couldn’t nobody hear.

Because the family you gave me doesn't know what I feel.

Because I think of your voice and feel it’s not real.

Because sometimes I think I wanna die and not live.

ELISSA Physically: My crop-sleeve (my sister stole) My driver’s license

LOST AND FOUND

My pink couch (that made me mad at my neighbor) Mentally: My strength My sight My purpose/path Motivation My voice (not wanting to speak/laugh) My ears/hearing (not listening) My eyes (not wanting to see the truth) But I found My hope for my strength A guide for my purpose to my path Ambition for my motivation Trust for my sight Caution for my hearing

Enix Symonne

“I AM SILENT BUT SCREAMING INSIDE.”

ENIX SYMONNE

I am from Chicago I am from the wild 100s Where you work hard and play harder I am from David and Josephine

I AM FROM POEM

Family is what that means I am from Carolyn Webster I am from where you go to school And still get home schooled I am from early Sunday mornings Waking up to Kirk Franklin Smelling Murray’s hair grease And hot pressing comb preparing for Sunday school I am from love and loyalty I am from, “When God always says yes, Nobody can say no.”

I am from proper preparation prevents Poor performance I am from where you feel it So you can heal it.

ENIX SYMONNE

SINCE YOU ASKED

Universe, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so cautious.

Because I have my gun license Because in this negative world I’d rather be positive Because I’d rather listen than talk Because I don’t put myself in predicaments Because I hear your tone Because I see your anger and frustration Because I love hard Because I love God

LETTER TO MY SPIRIT

I know sometimes things may be hard.

But when things get tuff, The tuff get going, You are so brave and encouraging.

When you walk in the room, You demand attention by being radiant and positive.

Your heart is as big as they come.

Your skin is smooth and soft, melanin.

Your black is beautiful.

Looking in the mirror, seeing the spark come back Into your beautiful brown eyes.

Looking at your full lips and small hips.

Thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through.

My Black is beautiful.

ENIX SYMONNE

I wished I had 7 more minutes to be with you.

7 MINUTES

You took your last breath without me. I was only 12.

You needed me. You kept calling my name to be in the room because I was in trouble.

I didn’t know once you fell asleep that you fell asleep forever.

Coming back to the room from sneaking out, Laying my head on your chest, searching for a heartbeat.

It's not there.

Your spirit was gone. I didn’t know what you were trying to say, but I do now.

ENIX SYMONNE You ignore me, but act attentive.

You shot me in my heart, Then put a bandaid on it.

Anticipation does not rule the nation You make excuses, I state facts You can’t pretend, colorful beautiful liars Be yourself, everyone else is taken

REFLECTIONS

You see me, now u don’t You play stupid, but I’m crazy You fake, but I am the real You apologize, I stand on my business I love you, but choose me.

Step out of your comfort zone Small steps rather than bigger ones Take accountability for all your actions Don’t act on your first impulse What are the pro’s and con’s?

You are your own worst enemy Don’t let fear hold you back What you imagine you can achieve Use your values to guide you Never dim your light for others

ENIX SYMONNE

REFLECTIONS (CONT.)

Redirect negative energy into positive energy Taking risks doesn’t mean shirking responsibility Decide to act and not react One’s only failure--failing to live Chaos doesn’t mean total disorder, Chaos means a multiplicity of possibilities!

Learn to teach, teach to learn Never let no-one steal your joy God is good, all the time All the time, God is good Blind to your own power Know your worth, Believe in yourself Find your voice, life is life-ing.

Being lost doesn’t mean that’s forever

Harmon, J

“WASTE NO TIME CAUSE TIME DON’T.”

HARMON, J

SINCE YOU ASKED

Mom, since you asked, I'll tell you why I’m so hurt Because you were never really there Because you only did things for you not to look bad Because my kids don’t have a granny Because you only were ever looking out for you Because you bought my first bra but didn't teach me how to wear it Because I guess the kids you had were never good enough for you Because you were gone I’m strong and independent

If I know anything at all it’s that a wall is just a wall and nothing more at all.

WALLS

It can be broken down.

That’s why you’re supposed to see people and things out Before letting something or someone change you for who you are.

Fake things stay the same, Just get brought around. New areas and situations.

To love is to live.

Without love there is no life.

I am me and they hate that.

HARMON, J

I am me and I do what I want, knowing things come behind it.

I am me, I love me, all of me. The me I am is who I’ve been,

I AM ME

just getting greater, better.

I am me, no matter who tries to change me, I am me.

I am me, and people hate to need me when they have done ME wrong but need me.

It’s me, I am who I am, me.

Come meet me, see me, love me and don’t let this go too far

LOST AND FOUND

over your head!!!

Something I lost was my mind back in 2019. Thank God that I got it back.

Life came over me hard and I didn’t see it coming. I ask myself even still “Now how did I let myself get like that?” But I will say that it opened my eyes and my mind. I feel like I’ve become a new person after long nice days of sleep. The best thing I could have done was go to sleep for my kids. It’s all for my kids. My mind is very powerful, so be careful with me.

Jada

“BE YOURSELF. TRUE TO WHAT YOU LOVE.”

JADA

Hey Mama, There is not a day I don’t think of you, or a day

DEAR MOM

When I’m not mourning over you.

But you know I’m the strongest.

I wish I could see you again in my dreams.

There’s a lot I have to tell you.

Do you think about me as much as I think about you? LOL I do understand a lot now as a mother.

What you were telling us, cursing us out Because kids do too much and are hard headed.

It’s very stressful here and There’s no way I can pay you back, But the plan is to show you that I understand.

Jasmin

“I SURVIVED, BUT I CAN'T BREATHE.”

JASMIN

SINCE YOU ASKED

Since you asked, family and loved ones, I’ll tell you why I am so angry.

I’m so angry because I’ve been through so much and I’m mad because I had to experience the things I did.

No one should ever have to feel or go through these things and it gets scary because some people don’t come back from the things I’ve gone through.

Not even the worst enemy deserves that.

I’m so angry because no matter what I do or what I accomplish, the flashbacks come as if it’s happening all over again.

So how will I ever be okay if I have to keep living a traumatic event?

That’s not fair at all.

So yes, I’m very angry. I don’t want to be. There’s a lot of things to not be angry about, but I’m mostly angry.

Just wish I didn't experience things I did. Wouldn't be so angry.

Jessika W.

“LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE LOVING ANYONE ELSE.”

I am from Laronda and Jataun

I AM FROM POEM

From love and commitment

JESSIKA W.

I am from the South Side, Roseland.

I am from fire and wind Fire is hot. Wind is air.

I’m from Jessionna From double dutch and cheerleading And from independent and hard working I’m from Ms. Attitude, so rude And from smart mouth, but caring I’m from loyalty I’m from Chicago From Ms. Twin I am from bluntness.

SINCE YOU ASKED

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so happy Because I finally have a job I like working Because I’m doing well for myself Because my car is paid off in full Because I’m happily single Because things I used to let stress me no longer serve a purpose in my life today Because I’m finally at peace with them myself Because I’m finally starting to depend on myself Because I’m popping my shit.

THE WAY I PROCESS

JESSIKA W.

The way I process hurt is by staying away and not being seen until I’m back feeling like myself. Sometimes I seem to not show emotions because that makes me feel like I’m showing a sign of weakness. And weak I will never be in the eyes of no one. I would like to let my guard down, but when I do people show me why I should care about no one but myself. One day I may work on this, but not today.

Jessiera W.

“SAD, GONE, LOST. BUT NEVER FOUND.”

SINCE YOU ASKED

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so alone.

JESSIERA W.

Because I’ve moved out of my comfort zone.

I noticed the change in me.

Because I feel like I’m drowning And can't get up.

I just don’t know how I’m surrounded by people And feel so alone.

I still feel like I’m trying to navigate through life.

But don’t worry, I’ll find my way, mom.

CARRYING GUILT

For a long time I feel like I’ve been carrying guilt around. Since 2018, I feel angry, hurt, sad and alone, like nobody knows how I feel or what I’m going through in my mind.

I process hurt by closing off my heart, mind, and emotions. I like to duck off somewhere to clear my mind. I smoke, might get a drink, and just be to myself and think. But I also feel like I could hurt myself when I overthink

REFLECTIONS

situations.

I’ve outgrown certain people and I hate that everybody expected me to stay the same.

I’ve got certain friends that I thought we would take on the world together, but we’re not. And I outgrew him in a lot of ways.

Kanazia Shorter

“STARTING OVER, STARTING NEW, NEVER QUITTING.”

KANAZIA SHORTER I am from Ashaki and Latia

I AM FROM POEM

From bravery and love I am from oceans Because it makes me feel free and flows I’m from my brother and sister From going to therapy And from loving and supportive I’m from, “I would be pregnant young” I’m from, “I believe in God” I’m from Chicago, IL From Lulu Mae Washington I am from being blessed

HOW I HANDLE

Because things could’ve been worse.

The way I handle hurt is by withdrawing from situations that make me feel uncomfortable or that hurt me. Other ways I cope are by acting like it never happened and burying it deep down inside. Sometimes I tend to not vent or show emotions, so I let everything just build up on the inside until I explode or release these feelings. This is not a healthy way to handle emotions, and without self-regulating, I could hurt a lot of people. I am also learning and growing every day.

KANAZIA SHORTER

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry

SINCE YOU ASKED

Mom, I’m so angry because I felt like I needed More time from you I’m so angry because I also needed More attention and love I’m so angry because we could've talked more and laughed more.

When I needed you, You weren't there.

I’m so angry because I felt like you chose everyone over me.

I’m so, so angry.

Khalia F.

“ALWAYS IS NOT ALWAYS IN LIFE.”

Lil Jas

“LOVING, BRAVE. STRONG, HAPPY. CALM, POWERFUL.”

LOST AND FOUND

I AM FROM POEM

LIL JAS

I am from daughter and mother I am from daughter and myself.

From “playful” and “happy” From “I’m gonna be something when I grow up” To “Stay a kid for as long as you can.”

I’m from “I always believe that things will get better.”

I lost my house I lost my sanity I lost my confidence I lost my happiness I lost my faith I lost my trust I lost my feelings I found real love late in my life I found G.O.D. I’m finding myself again I’m working to reclaim the old me

Rhonda

“I BELIEVED I COULD NEVER BELIEVE.”

SINCE YOU ASKED

Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry I don’t know how to express myself to anybody Because I am so angry all the time.

I feel like I have no one by my side to help me with these anger problems that I have going on in my life.

Mama, all I want you to do is keep helping me and don’t give up on me.

I promise that I will get it together for me and for my kids.

I believe in living.

I believe in birth.

I believe in the sweat of love and in the fire of truth.

I believe in myself.

I believe I can do it.

I BELIEVE

I believe in you before I believe in myself.

I believed I could never believe.

I believe in fear.

I believe in dreams.

I believe in time.

I believe in forgiveness.

I believe in taking time out.

I believe in motherhood.

I believe in peace.

I believe in joy.

I believe in happiness.

I believe in God.

RHONDA

I believe to be someone I believe in true love!

I believe in actions speak out loud

I BELIEVED I COULDN’T BELIEVE

I believe that love don’t hurt I believe in waking up to your own family I believe He can do it.

I believe to be a strong Black woman I believe I can change for the better and not for the worst I believe I will learn how to put my feelings in my back pocket I believe in getting off my ass and get to it.

I believe in working on my anger I believe I will make it out I believe in dreams and inspirations I believe in being faithful to my loved one I believe in not giving other people my attention I believe ninja go always cheat I believe in putting up a fight And I still believe in all these things And still getting beat on, cheated on, hate on Even treated like shit But still don’t know why I even believe in none of this Peoples want peace but not the peace I am starting to see what it is And let go and work on me.

RHONDA Hey there Baby Daddy, I've been thinking about you.

I know I haven’t come to see you, but I will always think of you.

Wish Alayna would’ve met you.

DEAR ALAN

Wish you could have had a chance to hold her.

Life’s been pretty hard for me, Holding it down for our baby girl.

She’s getting big on me and bad asl I wonder how life would have been if you were here.

Wish your family will help out with her, but my mother helps me out a lot While I’m going through this lil setback.

Wanna know where you are, how you’re feeling, How it is on the other side.

Tell my family I love and miss them so, so much Man, when you left me, I didn’t know what to do or how to think I’ve just been so lost when you left Wish we would have had more time with each other.

Sarah

“I’MA BE MISUNDERSTOOD TILL THE DAY I DIE.”

SARAH I protect myself from a lot of things.

REFLECTIONS 1

I don’t want anyone to have access to me or my feelings or emotions.

I don’t want anyone to have the ability to hurt me, Talk bad about me or judge me.

I’d rather just stay to myself.

It sounds harsh, but this is my defense mechanism.

I can recognize that I am a hurt person and I also have a lot of guilt and a lot of built up anger.

There is a lot of betrayal and heartbreak So all in all I will protect myself by any means necessary.

I don't want anyone to get close to me, Because it always hurts after.

REFLECTIONS 2

I need you for the old me. Need you for my sanity.

Need you to remind me where I came from.

Remind me of gravity, I’m falling down to earth.

You know I am difficult.

You know it gets physical, open your heart up.

Hoping I never found out that you’re on to anyone else cause I love you.

Just how you are, hope you never find out who I really am.

Cause you’ll never love me, but I believe you when you say it.

You must really love me.

SARAH

HI MOMMY

Hi Mommy, I miss you. I wish you were here. I need you so bad.

Me, Minnie and DreDre miss you so much.

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and depression.

I miss you and Dad. I never thought I’d be writing to you like this.

I haven’t been truly happy in a while.

I smile for my little brother and sister.

Ma, my heartbreak can never be fixed.

I feel like I’m in a dark hole.

Shanae t.

Reed

“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. LOVE YOURSELF.”

SINCE YOU ASKED

SHANAE T. REED Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I am so happy.

Because you never let me live Because it’s time to let go Because I’m grown Because I love the changes I made

I believe in me.

The mother of Winter and Eliyjah.

I believe in kids having a better life

I BELIEVE

I have seen the world change And the rain turn to sun.

I then saw the changes of people.

I believe the dead are reborn in others.

I believe in second chances, But not so big on second mistakes.

I believe that at the end of the day The day gotta end.

So what are you doing in your 24 hours To better tomorrow for yourself?

SHANAE T. REED Dear Sister,

DEAR SISTER

The night you left, I wanted to go, but I know you know I couldn’t leave them kids.

I try hard to stay strong.

The water gets deep sometimes but I remember to take the stopper out.

I have been keeping myself up.

I know you see me.

Still being positive even though you couldn’t believe that.

I’m getting emotional writing this but it’s kinda helping me cope with your death.

We miss you a lot.

I FEEL ALONE

The kids always mention you.

I feel alone in a room full of people.

Who to trust when betrayal started close.

Wanna go far.

Shannon

“SOME PEOPLE NEVER SEE THE SUN.”

SOMETHING ON MY MIND

SHANNON

Something sitting on my heart is my sister, how she died and how my life changed so much. I don’t have friends, only her, so it affects everything around me.

I hate my life now a lot of times. I am living for my son and that’s it.

I never feel whole as a person. I drown in grief every second.

Fuck tomorrow, what’s going on today? I just wanna be happy again.

Shawn M.

“MISTAKES ARE TEACHERS, CHOOSE SUBJECTS WISELY.”

WHEN I’M HURT

SINCE YOU ASKED

SHAWN M.

Baby, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so disappointed.

Because we both know better but refuse to do better Because you saved me and then left me out to dry Because I ran the race with you and you said you didn’t have anybody Because when you made it to the finish line you kept running and didn’t even notice when I stopped Because you don't know when enough is enough Because you are my baby and my worst enemy

When I’m hurt and dealing with the one who hurt me, I will first try and talk to you about it. Then depending on how you respond is where the problem may or may not come in. When I’m hurt and dealing with someone who didn’t hurt me, I will do everything in my power to make that person feel how I want to feel.

Shirrika

“I’M HUMBLE, BUT FOR HOW LONG?”

SHIRRIKA SINCE YOU ASKED

Sean, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so clingy to you.

Because I’m so attracted to you Because you make me smile whenever you come around and I’m having a bad day Because you’re a Capricorn, of course Because we can sit down and have real heart to heart conversations Because I feel safe with you Because the way you hold me at night; I’ve been missing that feeling for a few years now.

TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD

Because I can be myself with you. You give off a genuine presence.

To be misunderstood hurts so bad when you’re such an understanding person. A lot of times I’m there for people through whatever, but I can’t remember when people are really there for me.

Usually the way I take hurt is to keep it inside and a lot of times it builds up and I get to the point where I feel like I will explode. After that phase, I take that hurt and try to elevate from it.

Sunny Renee

“SEEK GOD IN EVERYTHING YOU DO.”

SUNNY RENEE I am from Toi and Renee

I AM FROM POEM

From God and Love I am from In His Presence Life Center I am from Sunshine The light and warmth that God created I’m from Toi and Zian From bringing life into the world And laughter and love I’m from, “Pray and wait on God.” And from, “I love you.”

I’m from, “God is the answer.”

I’m from Evergreen Park From Queenie keys

ENCOURAGEMENT

I am from being grateful

I believe that life is what you make it to be.

That if you look for joy, you will have joy.

If you look for peace, you will have peace.

If you look for love, you will have love.

Don’t let anyone or anything control your spirit.

Don’t be shaken by things that are out of your control.

God didn’t give us the spirit of fear, But He gave us power, love and a sound mind So move in your power, be love and have peace within you.

Ibn, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so hurt.

SUNNY RENEE

Because you didn’t care to be in my life from the start.

SINCE YOU ASKED

You thought you could build a relationship with me over the phone.

Because I can count on one hand out of my 29 years on earth how many times I’ve seen you in person.

Because it’s still weird for me to call you dad because you haven’t been a real father to me.

I’m hurt because I have no real relationship with my sisters, because we didn’t grow up together.

It hurts me that you live in another state And never come here to visit me or for anything that I do But come out here for everyone else.

But it’s alright, because my grandfather stepped up and did what you couldn’t do,

LOST AND FOUND

so I didn't miss out on a father’s love.

I lost my favorite purse at a skating rink when I was 9.

I was so sad my mom wouldn't let us go back for it.

My children’s books that were in the trunk of my mom’s car when it was repossessed.

I lost my innocence at 16, later on realizing it should not have happened.

I lost my happiness when the burdens of life were too heavy for me.

But I found God over and over throughout my life I found peace when I gave all my troubles to God I found true love when I gave birth to my baby boy.

I found joy.

SUNNY RENEE

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

Where you can physically feel pain in your heart, but there's no way to soothe the pain, So all you can do is lay your hand on your chest.

BROKEN

Your body becomes so weak that you can no longer hold yourself up, So you just fall to the ground.

Feeling of never-ending crying, but you’ve cried so much that no more tears will leave your eyes.

It feels like the world is ending for you, but you cry out and ask God to please help you.

“God! Take this pain from me!”

You cried so much that the pain turned you numb.

Just staring off in space because you’re just not ready to face life again.

But eventually you get up, and that dark space you were in, that unbearable pain you just felt, fades.

It only becomes a memory, until the next time, and it’s a repeated cycle.

SUNNY RENEE

DEAR SUNNY

Dear Sunny, I wish I told you more, but I am so proud of you. 29 years you have lived on this earth, and you made it through every adversity that crossed your path.

No one can take away your strength. God blessed you to be in a family that is God fearing. Because of that, you built your own relationship with God, and God has been with you every step of the way. Even when it didn’t seem like it. You are beautiful and you are always worth it. Don’t let anything or anyone tell you otherwise. I love you and I will tell you this more often, because I haven’t told you enough.

Tamara A. Kelley

“WITHIN THE ABYSS. ABOVE THE SURFACE.”

TAMARA A. KELLEY I am from Regina and Estelle From strength and power I am from Wentworth Second house from the corner

I AM FROM

10752 to be exact I am from air Like the leaves flowing free in the wind I’m from Florence and Sha'Carri From running and not looking back And from endurance I’m from being home before the street lights come on And from shea butter and silk sheets I’m from love, loyalty, perseverance and dedication I’m from Chicago From Grandma Ann

REFLECTIONS

I am from the strength of a woman.

I feel as if different people view me in different ways. Those closer to me view me as a light, always giving great energy. Others may think I’m mean or have an attitude, but it’s really just my facial expression. I dress differently from others and express myself through my fashion. Once you get to know me, I’m usually a person you feel blessed to have around because of my genuine spirit.

TAMARA A. KELLEY

Tammy, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because you lost your voice Because you stopped believing in yourself Because you did and then you didn’t Because you let others determine your beauty Because I got lost in the darkness Because I allowed thoughts of others determine my actions Because I believed that being dark wasn’t beautiful Because I allowed men to hurt and use me, knowing my strength and power Because I forgot it was possible to turn the lights back on Because I fell in the abyss of depression Because I didn’t tell anybody Because I let the hurt and anger build up Because I always knew my own potential.

Because I didn’t value myself

Lost in the Darkness So loud, yet Silent.

TAMARA A. KELLEY

Lost in the trenches On a block with no love.

LOST

Lost in the thoughts Of recurring dreams.

Lost in the love The love that was lust.

Lost in the Garden Blooming flowers of potential.

Lost in the youth Chasing the past so far away.

Lost in the intentions Of knowing right but choosing wrong.

I lost my favorite doll, Baby Angie, when I was 5. The kids across the street stole it.

I lost my $20 allowance walking down 115th and State while singing the Whisper Song.

I lost my very first touch screen in the Calumet River, where I never should have been.

I LOST

I lost trust of the darkness on the darkest night.

I lost my right to tell when words went unheard.

I lost a piece of me and never gained it back.

I lost my brothers.

I lost my Granny.

I lost my TT. I lost my friends.

I lost my heart.

I lost my belief in genuine nature.

I gained hope.

TAMARA A. KELLEY

I feel like I need an Ibuprofen Stomach balled in knots Mother Nature attacking me Like who agreed that we Should deal with this?

Why don’t men have A period?

PERIOD.

Rhetorical question While understanding The purpose and beauty Of a .

I still despise you Every single month Except that one time I missed you for 34 straight weeks.

I’m happy you’re here Cause you know how It could get But jeesh, Lady, let up on me 5 more days of hell

Verlena Connor

“I’M A HEALING ANGEL THAT’S BROKEN.”

SINCE YOU ASKED

I’m so angry

VERLENA CONNOR

Because I felt the pain of losing my sister!

Because I felt the pain of losing my baby daddy.

Because I let my pain turn me to a drinker Because I feel alone, but always there for everyone Because I make everything look good but it’s not Because I don't vent often so everything is in my mind.

LETTER TO MY SISTER

I just want to tell you that I love you and I miss you everyday.

Damn my dawg, I wish I had more time with you. Life’s been so empty without you. Do you know how it felt seeing you in that casket? Really fucked my head up.

Trying to be OK. Everyday living without you. Sis, you were my joy in life. I always knew I could call you and you‘ll make my day. Just your smile, your laugh, everything. You were perfect.

Can you believe it’s been 2 years? I ain’t never imagined that I’d lose you.

Knowing you’re gone forever in this physical life will always have an ache in my heart. I just feel empty, I’ve got so many questions.

Why you? What did you do to deserve this? Since you've been gone I think I've just been living, not happy. I’m really speechless at times.

I love you sis, forever 22. Ball in paradise. Save me a spot.

Whitlee

“FALL IN LINE, BEFORE SOMEONE FALL IN PLACE.”

Dads, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so angry.

Because I felt left out Because I see you post y’all other kids Because I feel so lonely Because I need y’all the most Because I felt lost without y’all

SINCE YOU ASKED

Because I run to men for love Because I felt like y’all didn’t love or want me Because y’all made me feel worthless Because stuff happened to me And I wish Dads was there to come save me Because I wish one of y’all stepped up Because I still need answers Because I still feel like I need y’all Because I wish y’all put me on game Instead of letting me find out from different men Because I told y’all what I went and am going through And y’all just still left me Because I told y’all how I felt and my feelings And y’all just ignore and look the other way.

Because I’m still fucking angry, upset, mad, sad and hurt!

Because I still feel like I need y’all Because when I see y’all my feelings hurt and I start crying.

WHITLEE

WHITLEE I lost money, then got a bigger bag.

I lost a friend, found peace.

I lost hope. I found love.

I lost happiness. I found my person.

I lost me, shortly finding myself.

I lost two brothers. Never been the same.

I LOST SOME

I lost relationships that I needed.

I lost my father, but didn’t lose him.

I lost my purpose.

I lost my motive.

I lost a father-daughter bond.

I lost two brothers.

I lost bonds that I thought weren't leaving.

I lost hope.

I lost my freedom.

I lost me.

I lost a lot.

I found love.

I found my person.

I found hope again.

I found someone who loves me for me.

I found my husband.

WHITLEE

I BELIEVE

I’ve seen the weak turn out strong I believe in me I believe I’ma be the best I ever been I believe in love again I believe in me again I believe I can do whatever I put my mind to I believe in making things right with my father I believe that my mother loves me

I’m a very loving girl I might be hard sometimes or mean

AGAIN

It’s just that I be having moments I’m a very sad girl I laugh from crying I keep a smile on my face So I won’t look so sad I want to find happiness again I love me.

To learn more about our work and read memoirs and other compilations written by our Authors, visit: www.contextos.org Find us on social media: @ContextosChi

WHY AREN’T YOU SMILING? Author portraits by Dimitri Hepburn

Book design by Kayla Harris and Dimitri Hepburn 2024