Tunnel Vision by Edmond Barlow

Lil-Ed

Tunnel Vision

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Tunnel Vision Edmond Barlow

The day I first met my mom was one of the worst days of my life. I thought she was a complete stranger and I remember thinking at the age of 11 years old, who the fuck is this lady and I don't want to go stay with her. I don't even know this lady.

Why is she even here? My mom is Christine Johnson AKA grandma, the sweetest person in the world. The one who feeds me bacon and grits in the morning, and spoils me. I was the youngest in the house and Granny had a huge house with eight rooms for me, my sister, two brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. Everybody stayed in the huge house.

I was Granny's baby, the youngest and let me tell it, I was her favorite. Now here was this big-eyed woman standing here trying to take me away from that. Go back to where you came from (Fr Fr).

Damn! Here I am stuck with this lady I barely even know. She was walking around belly hanging, talking about my little sister.

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My first couple of years staying with my mom was all right I guess. We stayed with my mom and aunt and two of my cousins. Me and my cousin Mook became very close. We did everything together. Going to the Boys & Girls Club and the wreck mostly everyday.

I remember my Aunt Diana being loving and caring, she would always give me and Mook dollars to go to the candy store. She also lets us go out everyday and play. She was always calm, I really never seen her bad side. Home cooked meals when my mom was home, fried chicken and Mac. But with Auntie Diana I would eat out at White Castles, Checkers, and Al's for dinner. I loved it because I was a picky eater, I got to choose when we ate out.

I loved staying with Auntie Diana, it was like I was kind of back at Granny's house. She would just make anybody's day better. Kind words and actions when I was with her.

Mook, Lisa, and I ain't have not a care in the world. Fun and love is what I felt.

Then that day came. When we came home, it felt like a normal day, hot outside, sun shining until we stepped in the house, everything felt cloudy, dark, sad, and empty. My baby cousin Lisa had passed away. There we were standing in the room lost and broken with a stream of tears running down our faces. It was a tremendous pain losing Lisa. I just kept seeing her lifeless, motionless body. I was standing there empty and lost.

After the funeral Auntie Diana moved to New York. Back to me, my mom and little sister who was now three years old and my dad. TBH I think shit got fucked up from there. My dad had a candy store so I started hanging around in the area getting into all types of shit. I stayed in some shit.

I remember my mom used to tell me to bring my black ass home before the streetlights came on. Man! Essential shit that went in one ear and out the other. It was like I was deaf. I was getting a beat down every night. SMDH. I'm not going to lie, those beatings were worth it. I had a lot of fun as a kid. It took my mind off a lot of things, running the streets countless nights so I ain't have to be at home with my so-called family.

Really, I felt they were strangers when I reflect back. I think I was being dumb, and stubborn. I'm a Leo, I can't help it. I guess I wised up as I got older. I really didn't understand when I was younger, when I made it to my teens I was never home.

I stayed at my friend's house everyday. His mom was like a second mom. Me and my homie Nick, I called him Fin, was more like a brother to me, he was always there for me. I could ask him for anything, he showed up. To be honest I felt I didn't have to listen to nobody back then. Fin's mom was at work most of the time. We would stay up playing video games, partying and shit.

I felt like things could not get any better than this. At that age I thought everything was a joke, I wasn't trying to hear anything. My mom wasn't letting me do certain things at home but, at Fin's crib I was free. All the weed, pills, girls, and liquor, I had it all figured out.

We started smoking weed in the 7th grade and I'm not going to lie. I became a heavy smoker. Everyday I had to be high, smoking weed and playing video games was my thing all 7th and 8th grade. I have my homie. I could go to his house everyday after school and get high. My OG didn't really care. His OG would always approve of me being there. Me and Fin would be out til 2 to 3am in the morning drinking and popping pills. His OG never really cared as long as we were at school the next day.

When I got to high school it was freedom, an unhealthy freedom. It felt like I was grown at the age of 14. I was smoking, drinking, popping pills, ditching school and chasing girls.

Things were at an all-time high. I started to hang around my older brother during this time as well. I was never home and my mom had no control over me.

She would always ask me why I never came home, why this, and why that. At this point I thought I was grown already. I guess it hurt her. She would sit me down and have a talk about

the things that I was doing. I just remember that famous line that every black kid's parents would give them. That I brought you into this world and I'll take you out.

FSE, yeah yeah take me out yeah all right. As soon as you're done I'm going to take this here blunt out. I wasn't listening I mean I was but I wasn't, I started to come home a couple days out of the week so our relationship got a little bit better. Then I got kicked out of school my 10th grade year for a fight. So my mom kicked me out of the house and I went to stay with my cousin. I had an idgaf attitude at that time. And when she kicked me out, I don't think she thought it out.

I started to hang out with my cousin and we started selling weed. My cousin was a hot head and he had a lot of people afraid of him. So we did whatever in the area and nobody would do shit or say nothing about it. I stayed with my girl’s cousin down the street from my other cousin who was well known in the neighborhood. My girl’s cousin loved me, because I was the life of the party. I always had the weed and the bottles.

I loved her because she always had a friend or two or three around. I was in heaven, all I had to do was help around the crib cleaning up and sometimes put some food in the crib. I did damn near whatever I wanted to. I was set. My cousin's boyfriend knew the mayor so he got me back in school and so I took that Idgaf attitude back to school with me. By this time I was in tune with a lot of Heavy’s in the neighborhood. Everything was about chasing money, I wasn’t really focused on school. I would just go to school to sell weed, meet TY, my little cousin, then go to one of our homie’s slots and slip lean.

TY that's a whole nother story but that's blood we close AF we hustled, on the same block. We did everything together. He understood me and my struggle.

He was family and we had a lot of late nights in the trap. The first person I saw roll a backwood, little cuz is a different breed. We always made sure each other were straight.

We would leave school and go to the gas station, grab a 2 liters of Fanta pineapple or Sprite, four bags of Jolly Ranchers and then go hit Subway and get a cup of ice. Double cups. Then we slid to our homie T-Killer crib and poured out 4’s of lean in the pop and smoke woods. We did that damn near every day we used to chase that shit. T- Killer pops was a doctor and O.P. so we were plugged in. Then my mom, auntie and Grandma and cousin and big sister all moved on the same block so that meant me and TY got a lot of love and support from the family.

It helped us change our ways and make better choices. We became smarter and moved differently and I became a father. This made me start to look at the whole world differently. I even started working. I left certain habits alone. I gained knowledge and wisdom almost overnight. I wasn't the same out of control teen who knew it all anymore. I bet you are wondering how and why? I had a daughter on the way. So, it wasn’t about me anymore. I had my mind focused on being a great father. When I saw my baby girl come into the world, it changed me for the better. I remember telling TY, people depending on us. Family first cuzzo!

The first time I held my daughter, that new baby smell and her beautiful smile melted me. I'm a better father, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, everything. When I etched into my past, things seemed hopeless but there is always hope and anybody can change. Sometimes we just have tunnel vision. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Edmond Barlow I Am From I am from 60153, from Fillmore From the Dead End and the Trap I am from Pelle Pelle coats and Sean John jeans I am from both sides of the bridge, St. Charles to Roosevelt I’m from Mom Dukes and Granny’s baby From Roy Fish Market next door to Da’s Candy Store and tough love I’m from be home before the street light From stay from over there with them I’m heaven sent coming from hell bound I’m from Murda Woodz From backwoods full of Za and pouring 4’s Fanta pop From bacon and grits From T-Rex and Ra I am from motivation and staying lo

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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