This Mind of Mine: Deja Vu of the Delusional

This Mind of Mine Deja Vu of the Delusional

Antone Melbourne

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

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This Mind of Mine: Deja Vu of the Delusional Antone Melbourne

May 2019 people is illogical, faith seems My first time being in jail. I realize that missing myself. Is what’s happening really is probable, but the only factor worth probing ers, or worse, myself? The truth is happening, or is it a trick being played by othme to see, say, touch and explore. what I make of the 1’s and 0’s society allows son, place, thing, situation, per Acceptance is the idea of understanding a and especially the spaces in on all planes it can exist. Black, grey, white sonings behind actions usually only between. The spaces in between are the rea y?” of any question imaginable. noticeable in hindsight; the answer to the “whreading this? And where will it Such as: Why am I writing this? Why are youor distasteful, the only constant is leave us? At odds or familiar ends. Pleasant ber it? Or, has the trick of living change. So, is every minute detail as I remem t of me!? That answer can only par life been tampered with, and if so by which ection of more than just my daily be obtained through tough thorough introsp personality of mine is in power ch routine. To what extent is entirely up to whi it, I’m happy with it . . . I guess. at that moment. Whenever they’re happy with ksters, true illusionists, if you tric Anything more turns conversation between g or disagreeing with myself and eein will. Being that one second I’m verbally agr disappeared. What is that spark of after a few seconds, minutes, or hours I’ve nity and feelings of wholeness wash grandeur when I audibly announce my insa over me?

ut f just aboset e li e b d n it 7 yo April 201 itable be acts. How I have to leave r ir d n a ave se f ches , body a th accepting the ct I don’t even h ty bottles h t u o m y a p with a dr a very deep brea e problems. In f ting through em rfaces with n e k a w s a u I y bed, sif to fix the ey 101 s ve. I take the being ali ’t have to go far d the edges of m urbon Wild Turk y senses in all l m up, I don Reaching aroun A half pint of Bo t odor assaults te brings natura aches . n . my bed d one that’s not wig. The punge n. The sharp tas ments later, the until I fin e than a hardy s iating my irritatio to my mind. Mo little mor s, instantly allev th and alertness u right way back to my mo e moistur as well. are gone

I continue to laze about gathering my thoughts.

Holden: “So we’re at it again, huh?

ay!" ifferent d d a t s ju e old shit m a S “ : s u Osyr

day?” uldn’t eat first to o c e “W : n e id ra B

Antone:“You're always the last one to wake up, I'll try and remember tomorrow.”

drive to work.” to t u o b a e ’r e w g knowin uld just not drink o c u yo r “O y: m Ham

Osyrus:“This is why we drink, crack the new bottle before we get in the shower!”

Antone: “Give me a minute.”

I walk downstairs to start a pot of coffee and heat up some leftovers. I make my lunch for work from the same leftovers. By the time lunch is packed, my breakfast has finished in the microwave. I scarf a piece of salmon and mashed potatoes mixed with corn and green beans. Then back up to the room where I take 2 decent sized gulps from a fresh bottle of Kraken Spiced Rum. With a seasoned tangy aftertaste causing my jaws to tingle, I take off to the garage.

My sense of smell jolted once again by a familiar soothing substance. I reach for my color coated containers and ready my favorite glass work of art. I check it’s water level as I pack the slider. Without further hesitation, sparks fly while I simultaneously inhale deeper and longer than my morning sigh. Holding that breath for just as long fills my body, mind and spirit with positive vibes. My big toe no longer hurts from an old soccer injury. My mind has settled on how I'm going to start the list of tasks I have at work. My spirit is on Cloud 9 having well wishes for everyone I’d run into today.

Now up to the shower and back to my thoughts.

Osyrus:“We’ve got enough time for another drink?”

Hammy: “Or not.”

Braiden: “I need to focus on the paperwork, I don’t want to embrass us with simple errors.”

Holden: “I think I'm good, too.”

Antone: “We have spoken.”

Osyrus: : “Just put a little more in the coffee.”

Hammy: “Or not!”

Osyrus: “What about our midday pick me up?”

Braiden:“You mean the satisfaction from a job well done!?”

Holden:“I’ve got that pat on the back covered.”

Antone: “The Casino flavored black and mild will be enough.”

Osyrus: “Whatever!”

Out of the shower and off to work. Sick of talking to myself I blast the radio hooked up to the custom speakers and subwoofer. As the mirrors shake with the drop of the beat I peel out, speeding up the block, ignoring the voices in my head as they don’t always make sense.

They say find a purpose and I’ll be okay,

They make it sound easy,

but they can’t show me the way.

but half the stuff I tried made me queasy.

By the time I was done, I needed to take a

Knowing I have to wake up and try again

When I feel like I’m said and done,

day

Off, away, out from being on display.

makes me feel like there’s no way to win.

they done said, “and then.”

I react with the instinct to retract

and descend into my self loathing den.

Trying to make sense of it all,

I grab paper and pen.

I started in winter and all of a sudden, it’s Fall

.

These troubles have driven me up every wall.

te and drive into one.

So I decide to self medica

By this point nothing else seems fun.

I'm over trying to play ball or com

e up with puns.

I even start to hate that song I always hum.

Making a call seems pointless, thinking no one will come.

My heart’s beating so loud.

It hits me like a drum.

It’s drowned out the radio music blaring,

Not to say everything is meaningl

ess

leaving just the bricks at which I’m

staring.

but everything seems to mean less.

I mentally slip and slide until I dec

ide.

Mentally here to

day, physically g

one tomorrow or

mentally gone today, physically here tomorrow.

Somehow I remember that thing I borrowed.

The uneasy notion of being missed

aves me eventually le

d.

more pisse

ated on the wall

I rev the engine, still fix

but now I’m saying, “it’s not that bad, no not at all.”

Some of my actions start to appear droll.

As more whimsical events pass in my mind,

rk, feeling devilishly divine

On the way home from wo

ha Because I know others

e ve felt exactly the sam

asons the more re

.

to live I find

and nowhere near one of a kind.

due to a chemic

al imbalance in o

ur brains.

Th m en ro y pi ext I g om. llow day on o fr Be . I g I h aft e a om ing rab ave dr er d nd fee tha it a off th inki on bac ling t I'm nd an sta e ba ng. ning k to 85 st rip d th re te thr It b m sle to ill d the e s few play a lo oom ack y sp ep 25 a run ca ame so m thi ud- . O fire ecs I go ga k, I p aw itc i c h m on ng “I nc s, ew th s ha e er . Th . Wa n. B an’ ay to s u e i t he s b n m ve ag pt is c kin fo sm o dri fa n in o g r re y t a I s rec y m o st in h g o me up e I fi ell i st it k st ho al ind op ug ut s m fo nis t th la rik uld lin . D dr gin of r h is n es n’t g th et ink g t me ome the the tim ds o . A . . e s erm ing he alm nts 2nd bo e a n t har d t . ee in so toi n h l m ing m let ost ater time tle in d th e ot lum ing h u b in d e h p ly ow ch. ow sta uri brin han tas er s is co h ”- l, a nt ng gs d, te ide fel un ard I c g an an lit I o is o t u tle I’ url en eo ot tle pe n’t f th nd ss d c n a u iu us h e er nu bee p o s id ly, er a larit a fr s ha m n n t ea I b tte y e es rs be hi he a ar m v h h. r o ttin b pp ely pt en f t g t ath ea m at im he ro rs. ak es o W e I'v sauc m fl he it to e w e oo n I ok the r an en la d up st

“I’m an alcoholic and I need help.”

-I pass out-

e sid e t u o es for m r c i g he vo ar eadin ndfat kly e h ic I pl ra ay. ter’s y G ich qu d m s one y Si later n wh ister, my . n i m s S rs e o sio tim y from inute onfu .” My me t n tea ” d r . c l m e 3 is on eral and f here r gets his owy 20s h t r o e s it ev wa time ol. S f ange u out dfath e with with m t h n o o o oug y and r sch ints get y y Gra kes m g fun h t h I in a fo M 's da hat hat eady e has ....let cry. he w st hav w w tr !. ic er to ju or p f lizing n ge his vo man tarts rs lat fine, u n a a u g s kin or, re she c t first C’mo sick r. Ho -“I’m a W do so . A h. “ bly upo a lie the hurry e lock t hus terri y st with to ks th a sof g I'm inue mends pic fts to hinkin cont tion a shi rful, t ere I vers h n fea m w rt co roo sho The

My 21st birthday was absolutely nothing special.

Up by 9am, cooked myself breakfast, showered and had enough time to lay back down. Out the door before 9:45am because it only took me 10 minutes to get to work.

Of course I’d sped the whole way doing nothing less than 60 mph, even on the residential streets. With 5 minutes to spare, I open the store and clock-in. I finish today's tasks by myself within an hour then begin my usual shenanigans. Connecting my phone to the music and T.V. displays to finish my episode from last night. After about half a season worth of shows, I order lunch having not moved an inch since I clocked in. I switch gears to music and pacing the store.

The rest of the day consists of smoke breaks and talking to myself. Having worked all day alone, I talked myself into a drink. 10pm strikes and I'm already turning the security system on. I make my way next door to Jewel Osco to browse the alcohol and end up picking up a half gallon of Bacardi Oak Heart.

Later on, drunk in my room: Antone: “I can’t hate myself this much.”

Holden: “You kinda do, dude.”

Braiden: “You worked all day on our birthday! You must hate at least one of us!”

Hammy: “We needed a reason to be productive today.”

Antone: “It wasn’t all bad. No one really came in.”

Osyrus:“Y’all wouldn’t have done anything different at home. Plus, now we got a bottle!”

Braiden: “SSooo, can we go hang out now!?”

Antone: “Nope!”

Holden: “Saw that one coming.”

Hammy: “You're not going to get better if you don’t talk to someone.”

Antone: “I’m fine.”

Hammy: “Depression happens to everyone.”

Osyrus: “We just don’t feel like being lied to right now. Nothing wrong with that.”

Holden: “Sometimes you can’t go around, under, or over something. Sometimes you gotta go through it.”

Osyrus: “So let’s go through this bottle.”

Braiden: “It’s more like the bottle is going through us! You’ve started downing it like water lately!”

Antone: “The more I drink the less I think.”

Hammy: “That’s the problem! Yo u’re no longer proactive. You’re reactive and it’s burning bridges!”

Osyrus: “The London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling

Braiden: “The London Bridge is falling down.”

Antone: “My

fair lady.”

Hammy: “Whateve

r!”

down.”

The bot tle I’d have lasted a little o a didn’t w shot most da ver 2 weeks a sI ys when ork, I’d have a bottle w I got ho drank modera h o a m t in the c uldn’t last 2 fu lf a cup and m e from work. ely due to my offee I’d work sc Some d ll days. ake it la he 2 a s home. drink th roughou shots mandato t all day. Befor ys, especially w dule. e I knew t the da ry as so hen I y, then o it n , t a h s a t I drinking sa w until I p oke up, half a me assed o cup ut when I got

I didn’t used to be this guy.

I told myself everyday to tryplus everything that kept me country,

making me laugh so hard that I’d slap my

I also told myself to stay away from anyone

Overall, just don’t fake the funk.

who thought being in the streets

k.

which really pays off when talking to a lady

t.

e best of the bes

To an older brother who taught me

It made me who I am, an intellec

tual hunk,

with a lot of junk in the trunk.

From military parents in protective vests.

to say it with my chest

Favoritism shown to my grandfather

was fly.

Leaving a party early didn’t make me a pun

School wasn’t my whole life but a very large chunk.

I was raised by th

adventurous things to keep a natural

and 2 little sisters with all the zest!

who loves to speak in jest.

The first drink I remember is a story as wholesome as any other. Bonding with my grandfather, watching a basketball game in the man cave. The game is about to start and he’s about to grab another beer.

Jokingly, I ask him to bring me one too. He turns with that classic look all parents give when their child says something they shouldn’t. I spoke in such a way that he couldn’t help the laughter that followed. He walks off saying “sure” with a chuckle.

He returns and I’m ins tantly anxio remember u is him laug hing again, s at the sight of an ex the Corona tra beer. Th this time at . e my soured facial expre next thing I ssion after tasting

He tells me to go upstairs and add some more limes to help the taste. I do and it did help, but that one beer lasted me the entire game. This was before all my personalities had names.

“Here comes today’s ordinary pain Explosive emotions making it hard to explain Everything built by my brain and it's up to me to maintain The conversations in my head as they change” ~Antone Melbourne

I D E N

B R A

HOLDEN

H A M M Y

S U R Y S O

ANTONE

Antone Melbourne I am from the elements Wildfires, unknown depths, stormy winds, mountains and controlled blazes, common shallows, gentle breezes, pebbles.

I am from the hustle here and bustle there an enigmatic slick city, the holistic charming south, Sweet & Sour to the bone.

I am from weeds, annoyingly resilient, obscurely abstract and stunning.

I’m from block parties and welcoming eyes with infectious smiles.

From The Johnsons and The Pettaways I’m from the enlisted and free spirits From (Burr) Cherokee Indians and hard working dreamers I’m from The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit I’m from 931 and 773 Jambalaya, Chitlins.

From the love of men who stepped up to raise children as if their own. Thank you to all my fathers for helping mold me! The mothers who carry the knowledge of what came from where and how it all came to be. Thank you for keeping the receipts to prove it!

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