Chicago Brothers United May EMagazine 2013

CHICAGO BLACK GAY MEN’S CAUCUS PRESENTS

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BOYS TO MEN:

BEDROOM, BOARDROOM, AND BEYOND

Harness the power of HIV treatment.

POSITIVELY AWARE

HIV DRUG GUIDE www.positivelyaware.com/drugguide

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CO N T E N T S

CHICAGO BLACK GAY MEN’S CAUCUS 180 N. Michigan Ave. Suite 1200 Chicago, IL 60601 (312) 629-2988 ext. 12 info@chiblackgaycaucus.org www.chiblackgaycaucus.org

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EDITOR’S LETTER The best man

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CAUCUS CORNER Bedroom, boardroom, and beyond

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DOC CHAT! Your doctors won’t know what you don’t tell them

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Healthy from the inside out Tips for enjoying good living through nutritious eating

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Marriage and equality for all?

Illinois strives to become the tenth state to allow same-sex marriage.

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Life shifts There are rewards for those who keep up.

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Re-booting your love life Suggestions from a gay matchmaker

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Same sex abuse Separating myth from reality

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Debt reduction 101 Simple steps for turning your debt around

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RESOURCE GUIDE

Keith R. Green, MSW EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Erik Glenn, MA ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Jason Griggs ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Rick Guasco PUBLICATION DESIGN

Craig Johnson, Sue Saltmarsh PROOFREADERS PRODUCTION ADVISOR Jeff Berry COVER PHOTO Chris Knight CBGMC MEDICAL ADVISORS

Margo Bell, MD Staci Bush, PA-C Lisa Henry-Reid, MD Sabrina Kendrick, MD John Schneider, MD, MPH Kimberly Smith, MD, MPH Greg Winstead, MD, MPH ADVERTISING INQUIRIES

Keith R. Green keithg@chiblackgaycaucus.org The HIS Lifestyle Guide is published by the Chicago Black Gay Men’s Caucus and Test Positive Aware Network, and is made possible by a grant from the Chicago Department of Public Health.

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© 2013. HIS LIFESYLE GUIDE is published quarterly by the Chicago Black Gay Men’s Caucus (180 N. Michigan Avenue, Suite 1200, Chicago, IL 60601) and Test Positive Aware Network, 5537 N. Broadway St, Chicago, IL 60640. CBGMC and TPAN are Illinois not-for-profit corporations, providing information and support to anyone concerned with HIV and AIDS issues. HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE is a registered trademark of CBGMC. All rights reserved. For reprint permission, contact Keith R. Green.

We accept contributed articles covering medical or personal aspects of HIV/AIDS prevention and/or treatment, and Black gay life/culture. We reserve the right to edit or decline submitted articles. When published, the articles become the property of CBGMC and its assigns. You may use your actual name or a pseudonym for publication, but please include your name and phone number. Although CBGMC and TPAN take great care to ensure the accuracy of all the information that it presents, CBGMC and TPAN staff and volunteers, or the institutions and personnel who provide us with information cannot be held responsible for any damages, direct or consequential, which arise from use of this material or due to errors contained herein. Opinions expressed in the HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE are not necessarily those of staff, CBGMC, TPAN, its supporters and sponsors, or distributing agencies. Information, resources, and advertising in the HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE do not constitute endorsement or recommendation of any medical treatment or product. CBGMC recommends that all medical treatments or products be discussed thoroughly and frankly with a licensed and fully HIV-informed medical practitioner, preferably a personal physician.

A model, photographer, or author’s HIV status or sexual orientation should not be assumed based on their appearance in the HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE, association with CBGMC or TPAN, or contributions to this resource.

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VISIT OUR STORE. HTTP://CHIBLACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG/STORE

Coming in August 2013

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EDITOR’S LETTER

THE BEST MAN

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Y MOTHER LEARNED that I was not heterosexual when I was 17 years old.

While I’m certain that her love for me has never waivered, she has openly challenged my manhood on more than one occasion. When I was younger, her words caused a lot of friction in our rel ationship. I couldn’t understand how she could view me as anything less than a man when, for most of my childhood, she’d been involved with a “man” who was physically abusive towards her. Was that her idea of a “real man?” Would she be happier for me if I suppressed my feelings towards men, married a woman, and proceeded to make all of our lives miserable?

At one point in my life, I was so emotionally scarred by what I felt from my mother that I strongly considered doing just that. In search of a wife and deliverance from my “flesh,” I embarked upon a tumultuous quest to find God, and my sense of manhood, in the church. I quickly became somewhat of a Bible scholar, teaching Sunday school and even discipleship classes. On the way home from Bible study one night, I was listening to a sermon by Bishop T.D. Jakes called “The God Who Married a Tramp.” In it, he tells the story of the Prophet Hosea who was instructed by God to marry a “street woman” named Gomer. When Gomer winds up in the arms of another man, God W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

sends Hosea to buy her back! In his sermon, Bishop Jakes suggests that God did this to demonstrate His love for mankind. He suggests that even when we think that we’ve done everything we’re supposed to do to be perfect in the eyes of God, He will love us no more than He does right now.

Those words changed everything for me. Until that moment, I’d been THE DEFINITIONS doing everything that I OF MANHOOD thought I needed to do THAT MANY OF US to live up to everyone CARRY AROUND ARE ROOTED IN else’s expectations of ANCIENT, SEXIST me. My mother wanted BELIEFS THAT HAVE me to be “more of a NOTHING TO DO man.” The church exWITH WHAT IT pected me to marry and REALLY MEANS TO BE A MAN. excel within ministry. I was so busy trying to be the man that I thought everybody else wanted me to be that I totally ignored what God wanted me to be; just ME! The definitions of manhood that many of us carry around are rooted in ancient, sexist beliefs that have nothing to do with what it really means to be a man. In fact, what it means to be a man is unique to every individual man. No two men are exactly alike and there is no “box” within which we all fit.

This issue of HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE (and every issue for that matter) is designed to support you in being the best man that you can be, however that looks for you. Within it you’ll find articles about how to maintain healthy relationships with intimate partners, healthcare providers, your money, and with yourself! Only you possess the power to determine the type of man that you want to be. We’re here to support you in whatever way we can.

Keith R. Green, MSW Chairman, CBGMC HIS LIFEST YLE GUIDE

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C AUCUS COR NER

BEDROOM, BOARDROOM, AND BEYOND Building allies across the ‘playing field’

BY ERIK GLENN

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VER THE YEARS, CBGMC has tackled issues that our community finds vital. Our Conversations with the Caucus forum is the biggest way we do this. Black gay and bisexual men come out to talk about relationships, unity, stigma, and healing.

They all have experience living and working in our community. Our teachers, students, health professionals, and activists give a real account of the issues! Their genuine concern and hunger for change draw them in.

Our recent forum titled “Boys to Men: Bedroom, Boardroom and Beyond” and the reception afterwards, was a conversation among Black men (of all sexual orientations) about sexuality, networking, shared concerns, and collaborations that encourage brotherly love for us as one community.

We interviewed two of our panelists, Maurice Chapman of the Austin Congressional Black Caucus Initiative and Marcus Murray of Project Brotherhood, for their views on the issues:

MAURICE CHAPMAN: I think it’s important that we have open and honest dialogue about issues that pertain to those of us in the community. Part of the challenge that we have now is that we don’t have those open and honest dialogues. There’s a lot of secrecy, misperceptions, and assumptions.

MARCUS MURRAY: First of all, it shows that Black men can talk and give their opinion on something.

People think that Black men don’t necessarily talk and express themselves. Second, it shows unification of Black men. Our culture, our race is always depicted as though we’re divided, we don’t talk to each other, and we’re not unified. The third thing would be just in terms of the images that it gives younger Black men. It gives them a chance to know they can speak and be themselves. It’s a good first dialogue about what it takes to be a man.

Have you ever been part of something like this before?

ERIK GLENN: Why are these kinds of conversa-

MM: Actually, yes. Project Brotherhood had a radio

tions important to our community?

show on 106.3 FM on Sunday morning, [with an

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beings we want to feel love and acceptance.

What do you think the concept of ‘Brotherly Love’ could look like one day?

MC: My grandmother always said follow the golden

rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ We are our brothers’ keepers. I think in any way we can, we need to affirm, to accept, to uplift, and to support one another as Black men.

MM: Just saying hello, speaking to your neigh-

bor… Just acceptance of each other [as] Black men, regardless of sexuality… It’s going back to being macho. We think it’s soft to say ‘what’s up’ or ‘hello’ to another man.

What would it take to get us there? episode] we called “Straight Men and Gay Men Talk.” We talked about the stereotypes that men go through—whether they’re straight or gay—and just had a conversation. It was a good beginning.

I think this kind of discussion [Conversations with the Caucus forum] is going to be groundbreaking.

What kinds of shared concerns do you think Black men have together?

MC: I think one of those shared concerns is simply,

‘What does it really mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a Black man in this country?’

Beyond that, a lot of the challenges and problems that we have are more related to us being Black and not so much our sexuality, although I don’t deny that it’s a source of misunderstanding or misperception… But certainly, I think we’re Black men first before anything else.

MC: One of the things that has to happen is what

we’re doing here—to have open and honest dialogue. But beyond that, there has to be a healing. That healing has to do with the images, the perceptions, portrayals, and other ways we have been taught to hate ourselves. It is therapeutic to get things out that we hold in—thoughts, feelings, beliefs. The pain is very real.

MM: I think it’ll take conversations like this and understanding. People are ignorant and fear what they don’t know. It’s a fear of the unknown. [We have to begin] defining what a man is. It’s okay to be sensitive, it’s okay to be compassionate, and it’s okay to care about other people outside of your family. The stereotype is ‘I only love God and my family, if you’re not in my family, I don’t care about you.’ That’s the wrong attitude. If you’re going to be a God-fearing person, whether it’s Allah or Buddha or Jesus, you should still love your brother.

MM: We have shared concerns about racism,

health, family, and then being loved. I think that’s hard for all of us. I think it’s real hard because we have no conception of what real love is. As human W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

CONVERSATIONS WITH THE CAUCUS forums hap-

pen every quarter. Check out our website and sign up for our mailing list to stay in the know!

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I am my brother’s keeper...

Project Brotherhood provides a wide range of medical, social, and professional services for African American men.

6337 S. WOODLAWN AVE. CHICAGO 773-753-5543 info@projectbrotherhood.net www.projectbrotherhood.net

The Center for Gender, Sexuality and HIV Prevention

Additional Projects: Transcend Out and About HIV & STD Hotline

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312.227.2951 CGSHP@luriechildrens.org

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D O C C H AT !

BY TRAVIS GAYLES, MD

YOUR DOCTORS WON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DON’T TELL THEM What does “good” communication with my doctor look like? What if I have something that’s not medical, like relationship stuff?

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URING MY MEDICAL TRAINING, I met with a young adult male patient who was in a romantic relationship with an older man. Since his last visit, he had lost weight, was struggling with college courses, and sleeping more than usual. He eventually revealed that his boyfriend had been physically abusive and forced sex repeatedly. I asked him how he felt: “Well we’re in a relationship, isn’t it my job to do what my partner wants?”

I was disheartened, but I knew that, as a physician, I had a unique opportunity to be an objective listener for this young man. Afterwards, we had a long discussion about the things that define a relationship: having ownership of one’s own body, the influence that self-esteem has on the choices we make, and how unwanted sex is assault (for more about this, check out John Sykes’ article on page 16).

Most people don’t realize that relationships can impact our mental health and overall welfare.

This includes areas of life such as work productivity, sexual performance, and emotional well-being.

While some may consider this invasive, physicians should ask about relationship dynamics, including sexual history and issues of safety within the relationship.

On the flipside, healthy relationships can provide much needed support and companionship for individuals, especially for those in LGBT communities who may be ostracized from their families. But LGBT relationships, especially those of color, face challenges that may complicate W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

relationship success (e.g. level of outness, gender roles, racial politics, and the lack of culturally sensitive counseling and support).

As a pediatrician who specializes in treating adolescents and young adults, the majority of my time is spent empowering young folks. I start by providing a safe space for youth to talk frankly about sexuality and relationships, as many do not have an adult figure that they trust enough to discuss these issues. Think about the guy I mentioned before. Who wants to spill the “tea” to someone who doesn’t even know what tea is (or isn’t open to learning about it)?

Positive self-esteem is possible for all Black gay and bisexual men. It leads to smart individual health choices and allows us to be healthier physically, mentally, and in relationships. For me, a good doctor-patient relationship means that I do everything in my power to help my patients to get there.

Physicians can connect patients to community resources, such as support groups to help navigate relationships, if needed. But that can only happen if our patients are willing to open up and share with us what’s going on.

If you need help finding the right doctor for you, check out CBGMC’s resource directory in the back of this magazine.

TRAVIS GAYLES, MD is a pediatrician at Lurie

Children’s Hospital of Chicago.

EMAIL DOC CHAT! at DocChat@chiblackgaycaucus.

org. Questions do not need to be about yourself.

You can ask questions that friends have asked you or problems that other people have mentioned.

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HEALTHY F

Tips for enjoying good li

BY PHIL M C DANIELS AND JASON GRIGGS

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HE BEST PART of waking up is nutrition inside your gut. No, seriously!

Did you know how much better your day would be if you started with a healthy meal?

Typically, when we’re trying to lose weight, tone/tighten up, or improve our physical appearance, we focus too much on the exterior shell. We lose sight of our interior. If you’re confused as to what and how much to eat, here are some tips and tricks to fit your needs.

Tip 1: Prepare yourself to succeed.

Start slow and take baby steps.

Forcing yourself into a new routine can be hard and easily deter you from continuing.

Healthy eating is so much more than just sticking to unrealistic diets, starving, and restriction from really great tasting

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Y FROM THE INSIDE OUT

d living through nutritious eating

foods. It’s about feeling great, elevating your energy levels, and developing great physical results.

Tip 2: Incorporate “the healthiest foods.”

The word around town is that carbs are bad, especially if you’re trying to lose weight. On the contrary, “complex” carbs are great for the body. They digest slowly, which means that you’ll feel full longer and that your blood sugar level will be stable. Plus, they’re packed with fiber! So if you combine complex carbs with lean meats, you have yourself a low-fat, high-protein meal.

Tip 3: Eat the rainbow!

Fill up on colorful fruits and vegetables. They are key components of a nutritionally packed diet. They are low in calories and full of important vitamins, fiber, antioxidants, and minerals. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, eating a minimum of five servings (1/2 cup per serving) a day is recommended.

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Tip 4: Complement your diet.

In the last issue, Marcus Hardaway provided some tips for getting started with your workout.

Successful workouts require that you fuel your system. Choices of what to eat before exercising vary from person to person.

English muffins, toast, crackers, oatmeal, an average bowl of cereal, and granola bars are a few of the most popular high-carb, low-fat, pre-exercise choices.

You can try to eat a small (100–200 calorie) snack about 30 minutes before you work out.

This snack should include fastdigesting (high glycemic index) carbohydrates and very little fat (which digests slowly), so that you digest the meal quickly and the fuel is available during your exercise session. And try to keep a ratio of three carbs to one protein. Remember: complex carbohydrates (fuel) remain plentiful in the body during a workout session.

Healthy living is about having more energy, being physically fit, and maintaining a nutritious lifestyle. It’s in your power to get started today!

HEALTHY CARBS wheat pastas beans root vegetables some fruits, such as apples and berries LEAN MEATS skinless poultry fish lean choices of beef, veal, and lamb PRE-WORKOUT SNACKS handful of almonds small bowl of oatmeal with honey granola bar (like the KIND brand) peanut butter on whole wheat bread

PHIL MCDANIELS, CEO and founder of Perfect Fit, Inc., is a universal fitness expert specializing in all areas of fitness, personal health, and nutrition.

Jason Griggs is Program Associate with CBGMC and a life-long wellness advocate.

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MARRIAGE AND EQUALITY FOR ALL? Illinois strives to become the tenth state to sanction same-sex marriage

BY ERIK GLENN

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OU MAY HAVE HEARD that Illinois is considering a move to make same-sex marriage legal. This leaves many in our community wondering what this all means for their neighbors, their families, and themselves. Governor Pat Quinn has already agreed to sign the bill into law once it crosses his desk. Recently, the state Senate voted to approve the bill, but the fate of the legislation currently lies in the hands of the state House of Representatives.

We invited the sponsor of the bill, Illinois State Representative Greg Harris (who is openly gay and HIV-positive) to explain some of the issues. Read on for excerpts from our recent interview with him.

ERIK GLENN: Could you start by

explaining what is meant by the term “marriage equality?”

REP. HARRIS: Marriage equality

is allowing every family on the block to live with equal dignity and respect with their neighbors.

Why is marriage recognition important? Why did you get involved?

Because it’s the right thing to do, and so many families across Illinois have told me about how their relationship was not being treated equally in the eyes of the law. It’s time to bring Illinois into the lead on equal rights for all.

What have been some of the challenges to getting this legislation passed? What would you say to those concerned about forcing churches to perform “gay ceremonies?”

I think there are a lot of miscon12

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ceptions. A lot of the misconceptions have to do with how we respect religion. It’s very important to me, not only to be mindful of the equal protection portions of the U.S. Constitution, but we also need to be sure that we respect all religions and protect the First Amendment rights of freedom of religion in Illinois. The bill does not require any church, denomination, or faith to consecrate a marriage should it be outside of their tradition, but it treats all the churches equally. Some churches may want to solemnize or consecrate a same-sex marriage while others won’t and it’s up to the individual church.

By the time this issue of HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE comes out, where do you think Illinois could be?

[Illinois] could very well be the tenth state to have marriage equality. But the time’s not set

yet [for the State House to vote on the bill].

What do you think will happen once it is passed?

For a lot of folks, they’d have the comfort of knowing that their family was fully protected under the law. As one woman said to me, for the first time she and her wife and children would feel like they’re full partners in their community. It would just make a world of difference to folks in ways big and small.

What would you say to single gay people or those more concerned about “everyday problems?”

I think it’s important in the eyes of the law what the state does and the government does. We need to be sure that in all situations, whether it’s family law or whether it’s in health care or in housing or employment nondiscrimination, that we treat all people in Illinois equally.

CHICAGO BLACK GAY MEN’S CAUCUS would like to thank

State Representative Harris for his hard work and time in the fight to secure rights for our families. To learn more about the issues visit www. illinoisunites.org.

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LIFE SHIFTS Keeping up with life’s changes has its rewards

BY L. MICHAEL GIPSON

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HERE COMES A TIME for each of us when we ask, “What should I be doing with my life?” and “What’s the best job for me?” As you consider what your professional life should look like, consider the world around you.

Finding your passion can sometimes get sidelined by the need to have a job immediately, just to be able to keep up with your daily living expenses.

That’s normal. But even then, there are opportunities to “test the waters” and prepare to jump to a new and more satisfying professional life.

There are two big ways to experiment safely so that you can get an idea of what you’re interested in while gaining skills. And even if you change your mind (which is also normal), you’ll have more skills than when you started.

If you can, think about going back to school.

There are many ways that this could play out (with some options being cheaper than others): trade school W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

university or community college classes at neighborhood learning centers Consider volunteering and working as an intern, too. If you have a couple of free hours a week, fitting in some unpaid work can introduce you to new worlds (and introduce potential employers to you).

If you already have an idea of an industry that interests you, breaking into it may be a question of developing very specialized skills. Many times this can be with computer programs like Photoshop and InDesign or social media technology.

There are now relatively low-cost technology boot camps cropping up that can help you. Don’t be afraid to embrace technology!

For many of us, the present and future can seem uncertain, especially if we’ve been working since we were very young. The days of spending 25 years securely at one company may be over, but we can still seize new opportunities.

Remember that few careers are as stable as vocational careers like plumbing or electrical services. In-demand industries emerge, collapse, and evolve over time. This means that we have to be flexible enough to unlearn or relearn what we’ve known before, as well as learn about new things. Change is inevitable and there are rewards for those who keep up on the latest trends.

Keep in mind also that you may not always get paid what you’re worth along the way, but that’s sometimes normal as you figure out the best place for you and your interests.

As you gain new skills, update your resume and online public persona regularly so that you get a good idea of what your talents look like as you evolve. Get endorsements on LinkedIn or increase followers on your blog. All of this helps you to get a better look at your professional self as you explore your interests, but potential employers will also find the new, well-presented you very attractive!

Humility and flexibility are the 21st century mantras, so do your best to enjoy the journey.

L. MICHAEL GIPSON, a 20-year nonprofit and

government veteran, is the founder and principal of Faithwalk, LLC, a boutique specialty writing and nonprofit organizational development consulting firm.

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RE-BOOTING YOUR LOVE LIFE Suggestions from a gay matchmaker

BY J. CAMERON GANT T, CPC

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PHTOTOGRAPHY BY CHRIS KNIGHT

F

INDING A RELATIONSHIP can be frustrating. With all the dating sites and mobile apps out there, you’d think it’d be easy and for some people it is. But how has the Black gay dating scene been treating you lately?

Let’s face it; dating can be hard, especially in our community. It can be exhausting, unkind, and just plain ridiculous at times. As a gay matchmaker, most men come to me because they are intimidated or frustrated by the whole process. They’ve been burned a few times in the past, not comfortable meeting in the singles market, or just feel like they are not meeting the right types of guys.

If you’re reading this, chances are that you have had some of these same feelings and wish that there was a way for you to improve your situation.

If your love life could use a re-boot, here are some of my top tips to help you master the joys of gay dating and find the relationship that you deserve.

Get your expectations in check.

A list of “must-haves” that reads like a shopping list may be a little unrealistic. You should have no more 14

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than three to five deal-breakers. Everything else should be flexible. Separate out your wants and really think about what you need from a relationship.

Explore your resources and use them wisely.

You’ve tried online dating sites and had crappy luck? They are great tools to meet people, but if you’re not getting specific with your search, you are wasting valuable time and energy. Focus on niche dating sites that cater to specific communities and you will find greater success.

Switch up your social scenes.

Don’t fall into the trap of hanging with one group and going to the same places every weekend.

You’ll just meet the same people. Try to maintain four to six different social circles to expand your network and your hunting ground.

Approach more men and commit to going out on dates.

You have to man up and stop letting these opportunities get away from you. Get his name and W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

YOU COULD BECOME OUR NEXT MATCH! Sign up to create your FREE matchmaking profile and get noticed!

www.instigaytor.com phone number and then ask him out. Some guys waste a lot of time on back and forth, trying to get to know the person “better” over the phone, when this can be done in person.

Practice makes perfect.

You’re going to have bad dates before you can get to the good ones. It’s the way the dating game is played. But don’t let it get you down or distract you from your goals. Keep pushing forward and don’t give up. Think of it this way: all dates, good or bad, allow you to practice your dating skills, figure out your needs, and help you to choose better men.

Every man deserves to be in the loving relationship of his dreams. Remember, it’s your journey. Make the best of it and have FUN! J. CAMERON GANTT, CPC is a dating coach and

matchmaker for Insti(Gay)tor, an exclusive gay matchmaking service for LGBT singles (www. instigaytor.com).

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SAME-SEX ABUSE Separating myth from reality

BY JOHN SYKES, MSW, LCSW

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T’S TRUE THAT domestic abuse exists among Black gay men. Overall, same-sex abuse exists in approximately 40% of LGBT relationships, mirroring heterosexual relationships. But why are we at risk for abusive relationships?

Unfortunately, many of us are exposed to abusive relationships or violence early, with experiences of prejudice dating back to childhood.

When these messages are internalized, it affects our capacity to recognize safety in any relationship. It can become what we think we deserve and then surface in our intimate relationships.

How do we break the cycle? What are the signs of an abusive relationship?

Data show that the more we educate ourselves about domestic violence, the better we can make informed choices and support each other in safety.

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner against another in an intimate relationship. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, financial, or physical and is ultimately about power and control.

Gradually, tension starts to build and friends and family start to dwindle (aka the grooming process).

Finally, an act of verbal or physical abuse occurs.

The victim is shocked. The relationship then moves into a “honeymoon” phase. The abuser is remorseful and attentive. The abused is led to believe that it’s an isolated event, but the cycle continues, sometimes for years.

Learning to identify warning signs early, letting go of the past, and learning what healthy intimacy can look like will lessen your chances of repeating the cycle of abuse. It is common to fear abandonment, rejection, potential anger, or being dismissed. Abusers use these natural feelings to control their partners.

The process is insidious, so before you know it, you are thrust into shame and isolation. The shame is dealt with by compensating for or making excuses for an abuser.

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Common tactics used by an abuser: humiliation and intimidation threats to expose personal secrets like sexual orientation or HIV status checking in on you constantly sneaking around to monitor your messages and social media activities But keep in mind these universal truths: You have the responsibility for keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe.

Your own feelings are trustworthy.

Partnership is about negotiation and feeling validated.

You are unable to rescue an abuser.

If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, consider a safety plan so you will have options if your partner becomes abusive. If you live with an abusive partner, put personal items such as keys, money, wallet, credit cards, and medications all in one place so that you can quickly leave if you need to. Contrary to popular belief, it takes an average of three to four attempts to leave before successfully escaping an abusive relationship.

Support is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE. Individual therapy and support groups are helpful. Couples counseling, however, is not recommended if there is active abuse.

For additional information feel free to email me at John@AccordingToSykes.com or visit www. goodtherapy.org.

JOHN SYKES is a licensed clinical social worker

specializing in individual, couple’s, and family therapy; play therapy, and children and families impacted by complex trauma.

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DEBT REDUCTION 101 Simple steps for turning your debt around

BY RON WADLEY

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N THE LAST issue of HIS LIFESTYLE GUIDE, we talked about repairing credit. Reducing debt is a large piece of the credit repair puzzle. Debt comes from many places, such as student loans, department store cards, hospital bills, and/or payday loans.

Debt hampers your ability to build a better financial future.

Bills cost a lot more when you use borrowed money than if you pay with cash up front (because of interest or fees). You want your money to make more for you, not less.

Making purchases with borrowed money can be euphoric.

Besides, it’s natural to incur debt as we begin to take care of our own finances. However, those bills will appear eventually. Debt can be reduced if you develop a strategy and stick to it!

Let’s build on some of the ideas from the last issue:

with a balance, fill in the above information (you can usually find it online or by calling the company).

Then add up the outstanding balances. If this total seems overwhelming, take a breath. You’re on the way to paying it off.

Step 1: Know what you owe and whom you owe it to.

On a sheet of paper make four columns: card or account name finance percentage (APR %) and/or fees current balance minimum monthly payment

Step 2: Start your payment schedule.

Pay the minimum on all your accounts. Then, identify the account with the highest interest rate and make extra payments to it. Paying this off first reduces the interest you’ll end up paying in the long run (high interest = high charge to borrow money).

Once you have paid off the highest interest rate account, apply that money to the account with the next highest interest rate. Repeat until you pay each off and consider cancelling accounts when you get to that zero balance (but don’t cancel them all at once as this could negatively impact your credit score).

For each of your accounts

Step 3: Pay your bills on time.

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This will help you to avoid late charges and improve your credit score. Each account has a different pay date. If you have too many due at the same time, sometimes you can call the company and get your date changed.

Step 4: Stop before you sign up for another card or loan.

Sometimes using borrowed money is the only option we have. Unexpected bills can come up when you get sick or your car breaks down. The trick is to use it only when you need to. Ask: Do I really need this?

Can I save up and buy it later?

There’s no such thing as free money. We all have to pay eventually.

Get started on reducing all your debt. It takes time, but sticking with it works!

RONALD WADLEY currently

works as a Controller with the American Association of Diabetes Educators (AADE) and has over 20 years’ experience in the area of finance.

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HEALTHY IS SEXY LIFESTYLE GUIDE’S

RESOURCE GUIDE CBGMC BELIEVES that every Black gay/ bisexual man, regardless of his HIV status or ability to pay, should have a place where he can go to receive culturally sensitive health care services. As men who are sexually active with other men, our needs are unique and require attention from non-judgmental providers who are genuinely concerned about our overall health and well-being.

While not complete, the following is a list of providers with whom we work closely GENERAL HEALTH AND WELLNESS

Perfect Fit (Personal Training / Group Fitness) 1808 S. Allport Ave. Chicago, IL 60608 (773) 885-1341 phil@perfect-fit-inc.com perfect-fit-inc.com

MEDICAL AND HEALTH CENTERS

Access Grand Boulevard Family Health Center 5401 S. Wentworth Ave. Chicago, IL 60609 (773) 268-3020 accesscommunityhealth.net/ grandblvd Austin Health Center CBC Initiative 4800 W. Chicago Ave., Suite 2D Chicago, IL 60651 (773) 826-9919

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HIS LIFEST YLE GUIDE

and recommend. Check them out if you currently do not have a place where you can receive regular, friendly healthcare services.

For more information about any of these providers or to be linked directly with one of our “Preferred Providers,” contact us at info@chiblackgaycaucus.org. Additionally, if you have any feedback or experience with any of these providers, either positive or negative, we’d like to hear them as well!

Christian Community Health Center 9718 S. Halsted St. Chicago, IL 60628 (773) 233-4100 cchc-online.org Erie Family Health Center 1701 W. Superior St. Chicago, IL 60622 (312) 666-3494 eriefamilyhealth.org Howard Brown Health Center 4025 N. Sheridan Rd. Chicago, IL 60613 (773) 388-1600 howardbrown.org John H. Stroger Hospital of Cook County 1900 W. Polk St. Chicago, IL 60612 (312) 864-9725 cchil.org

Northstar Medical Center 2835 N. Sheffield Ave. Chicago, IL 60657 (773) 296-2400 nstarmedical.com Project Brotherhood 6337 S. Woodlawn Ave. Chicago, IL 60637 (773) 753-5543 info@projectbrotherhood.net projectbrotherhood.net Rush University Medical Center Mark Weiss Clinic 600 S. Paulina Ave., 1st Floor Chicago, IL 60612 (312) 942-5865 rush.edu U. of C. Medical Center 5841 S. Maryland Ave. Chicago, IL 60637 (773) 702-1000 uchospitals.edu

Near North Health Service Corp.

1276 N Clybourn Ave. (312) 337-1073 Chicago, IL 60610 nearnorthhealth.org W W W.CHIBL ACKGAYCAUCUS.ORG

MENTAL HEALTH

John Sykes, MSW, LCSW 1523 E. 53rd St., Ste. 911 Chicago, IL 60615 (773) 746-2317 sykestherapyservices@gmail.com Mark Sanders, LCSW, CADC 3170 N. Sheridan Rd., Ste. #1207 Chicago, IL 60657 (773) 549-7914 onthemark25@aol.com onthemarkconsulting25.com

STD/HIV TESTING AND SUPPORT AND SCREENING SERVICES

Chicago Department of Public Health Primary HIV/STD Care and Treatment cityofchicago.org CDPH - Englewood 641 W. 63rd St. Chicago, IL 60621 (312) 747-0292 CDPH - Lakeview 2861 N. Clark St. Chicago, IL 60657 (312) 744-5507 CDPH - Roseland 200 E. 115th St. Chicago, IL 60628 (312) 747-2851 CDPH - South Austin 4958 W. Madison St. Chicago, IL 60644 (312) 746-4637

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CDPH - Uptown 845 W. Wilson Ave. Chicago, IL 60640 (312) 744-1308 CDPH - West Town 2418 W. Division St. Chicago, IL 60622 (312) 744-5516 Brothers Health Collective 2517 S. Archer Ave. Chicago, IL 60608 (312) 226-0050 4mybrothers.org Center on Halsted 3656 N. Halsted St. Chicago, IL 60613 (773) 472-6469 centeronhalsted.org

South Side Help Center 10420 S. Halsted St. Chicago, IL 60628 (773) 445-5445 southsidehelp.com Taskforce Prevention and Community Services 9 N. Cicero Ave. Chicago, IL 60644 (773) 473-4100 Test Positive Aware Network 5537 N. Broadway St. Chicago, IL 60640 (773) 989-9400 tpan.com

SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND TREATMENT

Christian Community Health Center 9718 S. Halsted St. Chicago, IL 60628 (773) 233-4100 cchc-online.org

Haymarket Center 932 W. Washington Blvd.

Chicago, IL 60607 (312) 226-8048 hcenter.org

CORE Center 2020 W. Harrison St. Chicago, IL 60612 (312) 572-4500 corecenter.org

FAITH AND SPIRITUALITY SERVICES

Lurie Children’s Hospital, Center for Gender, Sexuality, and HIV Prevention (312) 227-2951 CGSHP@luriechildrens.org luriechildrensresearch.org/ gender/

University Church 5655 S. University Ave. Chicago, IL 60637 (773) 363-8142 universitychurchchicago.org

ADDITIONAL ASSISTANCE

AIDS Foundation of Chicago (AFC) 200 W. Jackson Blvd., Ste. 2200 Chicago, IL 60606 (312) 922-2322 aidschicago.org HIS LIFEST YLE GUIDE

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WHAT DO YOU THINK? Go to www.surveymonkey.com/s/HISLifestyle2 Here’s your chance to give us your feedback about the design, content, and usability of the HIS Lifestyle Guide. After you’ve checked out this issue of the Lifestyle Guide, take a moment to tell us what you think.

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