Mind the gap

By Aimee Hart @hart_at_home

Before you have children you are always asked when you will have one… then when you do have a child you are always asked when you will have another and warned about the age gap. It’s a strange conversation because you are basically asking someone something pretty intimate without knowing any sort of background or circumstance. Yet we continue to ask.

Six and a half years ago we had our first daughter, Evelyn. We’d been married just over a year, we were both in stable jobs and we felt it was the right time. I didn’t intend to take such a big gap between having children but as a woman you can’t afford to take your foot off the professional gas without the fear of loosing your path or your rightful progression. It shouldn’t be that way – but it is. Taking a year off to raise a child inevitably means you exit the loop and others may potentially overtake you. That was what I did with my six-year gap. Focused on my career. And how quickly that time went. Now, nine weeks into daughter number two, Penelope, I have a new found understanding of the age gap conversation. I can see the perks of a big age gap but I can also appreciate the perks of having children in succession. Sometimes this isn’t a decision we can make, sometimes we have to leave it up to fate but on the rare occasion we can choose I think they both offer a varied and wonderful experience of motherhood.

A Gap in Time

If, like us, you find yourself with a larger age gap between your children then let’s focus on the positives here. For me, having my eldest at school five days a week gives me the time to breathe and enjoy the precious new-born moments. It gives me routine for my day and allows my little bundle quality time with me during the week. It’s amazing how much a nearly seven year old can do to help and she understands when mummy is needed. She understands my time needs to be shared. She can appreciate the fact she’s had six years of our dedicated time and doesn’t feel left out or unappreciated. She doesn’t get sad when Penelope screams through her favourite programme or story because she acknowledges she’s a baby. We spent the time talking to her about how our home environment would change and how exciting this time will be.

Back to Back

Now, even though I can’t talk from direct experience I can appreciate how having children closer in age would be hugely positive. Having children go through the same phases together and share the same interests, toys, activities at relatively the same time will mean they have a completely different connection. As they grow they will share things together and become closer as ‘friends’. Your house and your body can get back to ‘normal’ quicker and I guess as you get older you move out of the baby phase and get your life back.

Either way there is always positives to find and negatives to ignore. I can honestly say that I looked at Evelyn before Penelope was born and couldn’t imagine loving a child the way I love her. I couldn’t visualise it. But Penelope has added a whole level of love to our little family along with the usual new baby experiences. Some of which I’d totally forgotten about so here is my “What to expect with baby number two.”

1. Don’t expect a carbon copy of baby number one – mine are pretty identical in looks (both like their father) but we can already see differences in their personalities and newborn attributes. Evelyn slept through. Penelope does not.

2. Sleep deprivation is something you get used to – when I was nine months pregnant with Penelope I was dreading the lack of sleep and worrying about not waking up if she needed me. BUT the sleep deprivation is always worth it. Well, mostly.

3. You know what you are doing – regardless of the gap it does all come flooding back to you and your instincts kick back in with a vengeance!

4. Your baby bag is waaayyyyy smaller! Gosh, the junk I carried with me after Evelyn was born. You know the basics – changing stuff, clothes, bottle… done.

5. You know your tribe – finding ‘mum friends’ with baby number 1 can be hard! I was desperate to find connections with like-minded mums with Evelyn and I did (luckily). When number two comes along you gravitate to mums on your wave length and know to avoid those mums who, unintentionally, bring your mood down.

Would I have had such a big gap between my children if my career hadn’t been at its most crucial time? Would I have had another baby regardless of my progression? Who knows. It did play a part along with moving house, saving money and generally enjoying our time with Evelyn. Baby number two was always on the cards and we are so lucky to finally be going through this journey again. Tiredness, messiness, pennilessness and all!

Summer Sleep Sanity Saver

By Sarah Patel - mum of two little ones (18 months apart) and a certified baby and toddler sleep consultant

Want to take the stress out of naps and bedtimes? Think the only way to improve your little one’s sleep is by sleep training or by following a generic sleep plan? Meet Sarah, founder of Teach To Sleep, she may change your mind!

Teach To Sleep’s Top Sleeping Tips For Summer

Sleep environment

One of the most important things is to make sure that their night time sleep environment is PITCH black. Blackout blinds are well worth the investment but I have heard foil can also do the trick ! The darkness helps our bodies to start producing the natural sleep hormone melatonin which helps us to fall asleep and stay asleep for longer periods. Any light creeping in can cause the body to stop producing melatonin and start producing cortisol as the brain thinks it is time to start waking up.

Temperature

Aim for a comfortable temperature, the Lullaby Trust recommends anywhere between 16 and 20 degrees Celsius. If it is a super-hot day it can be helpful to give them a cool bath or a full body wipe down with a cold flannel. This helps to bring our core body down by a degree or two, which is optimum for sleep. Keep curtains in their bedrooms closed during the day and windows open. You may want to use a fan, just remember to direct it away from your baby. If nothing else its noise will help soothe them to sleep and drown out any background noise. Check out babycentre.co.uk for sleeping bag charts to help you plan which tog sleeping bag babies should wear in differing temperatures.

What is a ‘good’ bedtime?

Rather than sticking to a generic time, make sure that your little one’s bedtime is at a time which suits their needs. Some little ones need a lot less sleep than others so having an early bedtime will only mean they protest more at bedtime and they wake early. Whereas those who need more sleep will suit an earlier bedtime and it may well mean a night with less wake ups and/or a later wake up time.

As well as having a bedtime which suits your little one’s needs, aim for having a bedtime which is consistent, as it can help to regulate your little one’s circadian rhythm (AKA their body clock).

Don’t let naps go out of the window

Young babies tend to get overtired easily, making bedtime more of a battle and means they often end up fighting going to sleep. So if you are out for the day make sure you think about when they will need a nap and plan for it. If possible, plan your journey around their nap times and/or make sure they will have somewhere to nap when you are out, such as a pram or a baby carrier. Snooze shades can be really helpful for pram naps in the summer.

Hopefully my top tips will help you to develop healthy sleep habits for your little one. But if you are in a sleep rut please feel free to contact me via my website teachtosleep.co.uk

Private consultations start from £65 but I also offer group workshops in person, if you are based in North London or online if you are further afield.

The impact of social media on children and young people’s mental health

By Marilena Andreou - cognitive behavioural psychotherapist

Evidence suggests that social media use has risen over the past decade in children and young people. Social media allows young people to interact with others in many different ways other than the traditional face-to-face interactions. It enables people to interact with friends and family from all around the world. Although there are some benefits of regular social media use such as feeling part of a community, being able to gain support from others, preventing social isolation and being able to develop and maintain friendships. It should be noted that high social media use has also been linked to a range of mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and stress particularly in young people.

Evidence has shown that for those that heavily use some of the most popular social media platforms (for two hours or more a day), their anxiety can be worsened. Unfortunately in some cases this can also lead to poorer self-esteem and even suicidal thoughts.

Cyber bullying can also affect young people and cause a great deal of psychological distress. This should not be taken lightly. At times it can be very subtle or very obvious. For example it can take many forms online such as through sending threatening messages, posting photos or videos intended to cause distress to the victim.

Excessive use of social media platforms has also been associated with body image issues in young people. For instance, they can compare themselves to others (and celebrities) by looking at photos or videos that are posted on social media by others that have sometimes airbrushed and edited them. They could strive for the ‘ideal body’ and this is not always attainable. This can then have a detrimental effect on youngsters’ mental health as they can aspire to be just like them. For instance, in girls this can also lead to eating disorders and behaviours such as extreme food restricting or binging and purging. In boys, they sometimes compare themselves to those that are very muscular and this could evoke behaviours such as excessive exercise regimes and extreme diets.

Warning signs that social media is impacting on someone’s mental health:

• Spending most of their time on social media platforms instead of seeing friends in person. • Constantly comparing themselves negatively with others on social media. • Lack of concentration and generally being distracted from school or college work. • Sleep problems being reinforced by excessive social media checking at night. • Directly experiencing cyber bullying.

What can be done to modify social media use to improve mental health:

• Monitor time spent online by using an app and try to set an individual goal of how much to reduce this by each day. • Keep the phone out of the bedroom when they go to bed at night; this reduces the temptation to check social media platforms. • Turn off social media notifications; so that the buzzing and beeping of messages and alerts does not become a distraction. • Try to completely remove social media apps from your phone; it is likely that the temptation to check on your computer will be automatically reduced. • Schedule in some regular time each week to interact face-to-face with friends and family. • Don’t suffer cyber bullying in silence –report it!

How to help a child or young person with excessive social media use:

• Monitor social media use and talk to young people about why it is important to limit screen time and social media use. • Speak to them openly about the impact social media could be having on their mental health and agree what action steps they could take to modify their behaviours. • Encourage them to take social media breaks; particularly if it is interfering with homework then you can ban it until work has been completed. • Encourage children and young people to engage in other activities that they could also enjoy. • Try not to become too controlling with a young person over their social media habits as they might become rebellious.

In conclusion, social media can certainly have some benefits for young people and they can find it an enjoyable activity, but it’s crucial to notice the warning signs if the social media use becomes excessive and to take steps to modify those behaviours to improve mental health.