Parent life

Telling Your Children You’re Getting Divorced

Divorce applications have recently increased but it’s simplistic to put that down to the pandemic. The reality is that the decision to divorce is many years in the making. Covid-19 may have been a catalyst for some couples, and understandably so given the increased pressures of spending months at home and increased amounts of time together, but the underlying cause of a couple’s decision to separate is likely to be much more multifaceted than just one reason. Divorce numbers are up from last year, this is partly due to the courts being shut for several months, causing a backlog for couples wanting to separate. What is really interesting is the change in approach amongst the couples looking to separate. Perhaps it is a by-product of living through a pandemic, and the perspective that has given us all, but couples are increasingly approaching divorce as a life-change they want to navigate well. They have no interest in stigma, or blame, and are looking to get through the process in a way which does not further damage their relationship with each other, or their children, or their own mental health It may seem straight-forward but the way in which you tell your children that you are getting divorced is hugely important as it will frame how they view this life change you are about to embark upon as a family. Approaching a life changing topic can be overwhelming for parents and navigating these problematic discussions is something that Samantha Woodham and Harry Gates co-founders of The Divorce Surgery have helped many clients to overcome during the last three years. For most couples, the priority is to ensure that children are protected from any fallout, although of course this is easier said than done. So, what are Sam and Harry’s top tips for breaking the news?

Agree on a narrative

Agreeing on how and when you’re going to tell your children that you’re getting divorced is vital. Many couples understand the need to agree a script ahead of the conversation as the objective should be to diffuse any distress, agreeing the narrative takes the heat out of the situation at the earliest stage.

What you’ve achieved and what won’t change

A bombshell as big as divorce often needs breaking down and explaining step by step. It’s important to illustrate to your children what’s been achieved over the years, the memories you’ve built as a family and that you’ve given each other strength to be brave to try new things alone. You are still very much a family – just reshaped.

Reassurance is key

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault, stress that nothing they did could have caused or prevented what is happening. Since there are many unknowns at the start of a separation, don’t make promises you may not be able to keep. Reassure them that it may be hard for a while but that it will all be okay after getting used to new arrangements.

The best books to read this winter

Recommended by Sara Bragg, host of The Feel Good Book Club @thefeelgoodbookclub

Baby It’s Cold Outside

With the colder days upon us, it’s time to curl up with a cup of tea, break out the blankets, and get in the festive mood. It’s also the perfect time of year to spend cosy nights at home with some good books. Here, we’ve rounded up six of the best new page-turners to see you through the winter.

By Emily Bell

Penguin, £7.99 Fate pulled Norah and Andrew apart, but not before they made a promise. If they are both single on Christmas Eve in ten years’ time, they will meet under the clock on Grafton Street, Dublin. Can one extraordinary Christmas bring them back together? An irresistibly romantic read that captures the magic of Christmas in Dublin perfectly. If you loved Josie Silver’s One Day in December, you’ll love this!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

By Lucy Mangan

Profile Books, £12.99 An uncannily accurate and hilarious portrayal of the diary of a suburban working mother, which absolutely nails the many absurdities of modern family life, from Guardian columnist, Lucy Mangan. Follow Liz for a year on her epic quest for that holy grail: a moment to herself. This book will resonate with any parent who’s been caught out by World Book Day, babysitters and threadworms.

Eight Perfect Hours

By Lia Louis

Orion, £8.99 What if you fell in love and then he disappeared? When Noelle and Sam’s lives collide one snowy evening, they spend eight perfect hours stuck side by side believing that they’ll never see each other again. But soon their lives become entangled in ways they never expected – and it’s going to change everything. A heartwarming, romantic tale about fate and second chances.

Girl A

By Abigail Dean

HarperCollins, £7.49 The Sunday Times and New York Times global bestseller, Girl A is a story of redemption, of horror, and of love. Following the news that their abusive mother has died in prison, Lex and her siblings must face their past in this arresting debut that is both a page-turning thriller and a searing portrait of survival.

The Lincoln Highway

By Amor Towles

Cornerstone, £17.99 The author of A Gentleman in Moscow pays glorious tribute to 1950s America in this extraordinary journey following a group of misfits in pursuit of their dreams. Eighteen-year-old Emmett Watson, recently released from juvenile detention, plans to start a new life in California. But the plan is derailed by Duchess and Woolly, who want Emmett to drive them to New York instead. And so begins this epic tale of obstacles, beautifully written by a master storyteller.

The Joy of Small Things

By Hannah Jane Parkinson

Guardian Faber, £10.00 Drawn from the successful Guardian column, these everyday inspirations will get you through dismal days. Hannah is a specialist in savouring the small pleasures of life. She revels in her fluffy dressing gown, finds calm in solo cinema trips, celebrates pockets and gleefully abandons a book she isn’t enjoying. These everyday joys will utterly delight.

5 minutes with Cat Sims

Queen of Instagram and making people laugh on a daily basis with her beautiful, honest self! Blog: notsosmugnow.com • Instagram: @notsosmugnow • Podcast: @tvmyhusbandhates

Your bedside reading at the moment is…

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. After the last 18 months, I’m reconsidering a lot of things and drinking is one thing that I’m trying to figure out. It’s such an interesting read and, for a book about sobriety, not preachy at all which is refreshing!

Favourite podcast when you have five minutes peace...

Anything True Crime. I can’t listen to anything else. My favourite True Crime podcast so far has been West Cork – just so, so good. If you want something other than true crime – it can be a bit dark – my husband swears by Stuff You Should Know and Dax Shepard’s podcast, which is really good!

Three things you always have in your handbag?

A mask (who’d have thought we would have got to this point), a couple of random stones that my kids have demanded we look after and a tampon that’s probably about two years old, a bit ragged and covered in bag fluff.

Insta or TikTok?

Ooooh, don’t make me choose. That’s like asking me to pick a favourite kid! I love them both. I love the freedom of TikTok but I’m forever grateful for the awesome community on Instagram.

Ultimate food weakness?

Sugar. Once I start I just can’t stop. Also toast with butter so thick you can see your teeth marks and bowls of cereal (that stuff is like crack).

Coffee or tea?

Until three months ago I would have said tea, but I’ve started having black coffee in the morning and I can’t remember the last time I had tea. However, if I do have a tea, it has to be Yorkshire tea.

Which album will you have on loop and never be bored with?

Anything by Vulfpeck. Anything. Anytime. Best. Band. Ever.

Favourite holiday memory is...

Holding hands with Jimmy in New York as we watched Vulfpeck perform at Madison Square Gardens. I took him for his 40th and we were recovering from a really rocky period in our marriage. This trip, the first alone for five years, was the first time I was sure we were definitely going to make it.

Thoughts on mismatch pjs?

Same as my thoughts on mismatched underwear – it’s a fact of life. The people who have the time and energy to always wear matching undies and matching PJs are probably not my people.

Favorite perfume?

Tom Ford, Velvet Orchid.

What gives you instant calmness?

When the kids climb into bed with you on a Sunday morning and snuggle in.

If you needed to hear a voice of comfort, who would you call?

My husband.

Next destination on your list is…

Anywhere! I am so desperate to get aboard. I’ll take anything – except Dubai. I can’t get morally comfortable with Dubai on any level.

You can choose one superpower…

It would be super speed. Just imagine all the stuff you could get done!

What language would you love to learn?

I’m pretty good with French but I’d love to be fluent. It’s a language that just makes sense to me and I love how it sounds.

How would you describe yourself?

A goofy, occasionally annoying creative mum committed to kindness with a propensity for committing to something new every week and not being terribly good at sitting still. Lover of dogs and cats, married to music, a mother of girls, a voracious reader and lover of long walks, my hair extensions, writing and napping.

The mantra you live by?

You can do what you like, just don’t be a dick about it.

Sign up to Cat’s Writing For Women newsletter, something that you will definitely look forward to receiving in your inbox.