Mum knows best

"What you should do…” These four words could raise the hackles in even the most horizontally laidback person, especially when followed by unbidden instruction.

Most of the time we can brush off unsolicited advice with a nod, a thank-you and absolutely no intention of following through.

But when such opinions relates to parenting, it’s harder to dismiss and defensiveness comes much more easily, probably because it feels like a criticism of your performance in relation to your own flesh and blood.

Add to the mix that you’re in all likelihood not sleeping as much as you used to, possibly breastfeeding and potentially juggling a job with parenthood, so uninvited guidance can just feel toounpalatable to contemplate.

Most new parents have experienced some form of unsolicited advice. I fielded tons from a host of sources, ranging from family members to actual strangers.

I remember being told not to sleep train my daughter for fear of mentally scarring her. A stranger, on seeing me bottle feeding my daughter in a café, advised me to visit a breastfeeding guru urgently, while another told me I should ask a doctor why my daughter wasn’t crawling yet.

All of those incidents felt like a gut punch at the time – feeling part angry and part ashamed, I can’t imagine the reaction I displayed in each case could have been perceived as anything but frosty. But why let it get to me? It’s just words, right?

Jessie, 28, whose son is nine months old, recalls one of her mother’s friends performing a passive-aggressive show with the infant that involved talking to the baby about Jessie in a sing-song nursery-rhyme voice. “We need to tell your mummy that you need longer naps at lunchtime! Yes we do!” she crooned.

“I was furious,” recalls Jessie. “Especially as my daughter gurgled and smiled, which was interpreted as some kind of tacit agreement. I felt criticised, excluded and as if my baby had somehow betrayed me.” But why is this kind of criticism so irksome? “Parenting is the most important job in the world, and one we’re all unqualified for,” says psychotherapist Hannah Martin who is also founder of Talented Ladies Club, an organisation which encourages mothers to fulfil their professional potential.

“We’re already worried about whether we’re doing a good job, all while coping with raging hormones and sleep deprivation. So when someone wades in with unsolicited advice, what we actually hear is ‘you’re not doing it properly’ or even worse ‘you’re not a good parent’. It’s unsurprising that we have such an emotional response.”

Martin also points out that rejecting advice can exacerbate an already tense situation.

“Parenting tips often come from personal experience, so when we reject them, it can be taken as ‘I don’t want to parent like you’ or ‘I don’t want my child to turn out like yours’.”

So, how are parents meant to deal with suggestions they never asked for?

Firstly, remember that people usually have good intentions, no matter how misguided. Just keeping this in mind will go some way to taking the sting out of the tail. Martin agrees. “Try not to let it get to you,” she says. “Often advice is well meaning, even if unwanted and even possibly wrong! If you don’t want to follow the advice, simply thank them for it and move the conversation on. Debating the helpfulness or accuracy of the advice will just drag your irritation out further.”

And, as Martin says, saying thank you isn’t conceding. “Thanking someone for advice doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to follow it, but it ends the conversation, and preserves your relationship with the person offering it. If they try to push it, say you’ve had advice from a few people and will consider your approach.”

Also, don’t underestimate how easy it can be to go from irritated advisee to overbearing adviser. I’ve found myself holding my tongue when I know that if only this frazzled new mum would just [insert deeply-held advice here], her life would be 100 times easier. But instead, and crucially only when asked, I’ll say something like “this might not work for you, but what helped me is…” “Everyone who has had a child has an opinion on the best way to do it – or feels passionately about what worked for them,” says Martin. “Usually unsolicited advice comes from a desire to help – when you see a mum struggling and you think you can assist, then it’s natural to want to pass on experience.”

But the main thing is this – and I’d wager you’ll hear this just as much as any unwanted advice: trust your instincts. You’re the parent – no one, absolutely no one, knows your baby like you do.