Issue 72: Self-isolation edition

The

Cheese Grater

Issue 72 - What Month Is it 2020 cheesegratermagazine.org facebook.com/uclcheesegrater A bumper commemorative coronavirus issue, featuring a pullout self-isolation activity pack!

2 Spring 2020 The Cheese Grater

Self-isolation Special

The ‘high risk’ of working in UCL Halls of Residence during the spread of COVID-19 Riddhi Kanetkar Recently, UCL students received an email that condemned a case of ‘exceptionally poor behaviour’ in Schafer House, which resulted in some students facing potential disciplinary action. Students were allegedly throwing microwaves and televisions out of the window, and vandalising hallways and lifts.

UCL has advised that all UK students return home immediately, if possible, due to the rising cases of COVID-19 in London. However, as it is not possible for many students to return home straight away, or for the foreseeable future, many have remained in UCL accommodation. With rising concerns about the spread of the virus, the atmosphere right now can understandably be tense in halls of accommodation, where some students have to stay out of necessity.

However, this behaviour has also placed an additional burden on cleaners and hall staff, who would have had to clear the mess made. Beyond a general inconvenience, cleaning workers at

Society Bitch

Spring Break is upon us! This year Soc Bitch jetted off for a week of tits, tequila and t-crippling social angst in sunny Oxford. It’s here that UN Women Oxford UK Soc have gotten themselves into trouble. Amber Rudd was invited to speak at an event encouraging more women into politics; however a mere half an hour before she was supposed to go on, the former

UCL are already subjected to increased risks, as a report from IWGB suggests that they have not been provided with adequate safety equipment such as gloves and masks.

IGWB are calling on UCL to “immediately complete robust health and safety risk assessments and demonstrate the implementation of strict health and safety protocols”. The provision of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE), such as hand sanitisers, masks, and two sets of gloves a day, is a basic necessity, which would help reduce harm to workers’ health. Additionally, IWGB also want to ensure that safety measures are tightened for students living in halls of residence at UCL. Student accommodation has been deemed ‘high risk’ because of the volume of students living in close proximity to each other; cleaners nevertheless are expected to clean these areas. To maximise workers’ safety, they are proposing that spaces which students are self-isolating in, including kitchens and toilets, are cleaned by specialist subcontractors, to ensure these areas are disinfected properly. home secretary was ‘no platformed’.

This is a process where stroppy snowflake millennials pin a public speaker to the ground and remove their thick souled shoes - resulting in said speaker being too short to been seen over the lectern. Fans and non-fans of deporting thousands of Brits to a country they’ve never visited alike admonished the Oxford students for wasting the tactic on a former nobody from Sussex. The students responded that telling Amber a mere 30 before she was due to speak was to ensure her the indignity of a whole ride back down the Chiltern Mainline to think about the consequences of her actions.

The closure of most UCL buildings has unfortunately halted any prospect of visiting campus, meaning that students who are staying in halls are required to remain there as a safety precaution. However, it is unfair to expect the cleaning staff – who are already working in unfavourable conditions– to put themselves at higher risk because of irresponsible behaviour. At a time when many are practising social distancing, cleaning staff are still trying their best to work to their capacity, and we need to ensure that their safety is prioritised in the same way as all other staff and students at UCL.

Back home, it would not be amiss to compare the constant level of hysteria emitting from Musical Theatre Soc across the CSC (complete with flamboyant arm gestures) to that experienced by the British public in 2020’s ‘great toilet roll shortage’. Except, by some miracle, the latter appears to be grounded in more common sense, given the extent of clannism that has been on show in the last term. With friendships disintegrating by the week, ‘Dogfight’ was ideal both as the choice of production and as a description of the rumour-riddled society – although perhaps ‘Catfight’, ‘Sharkfight’ or ‘Pointlessfight’ might equally have fit the bill.

Self-isolation Special

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Bartlett Students Politely Asked to Stop Going Absolutely Apeshit Friday 13th March - unlucky for Bartlett students, very lucky for the Uber drivers they hire.

For the uninitiated, students studying Architecture and associated programmes at The Bartlett are each issued with their own desks in 22 Gordon Street to use as a personal workspace over the year (Art Historians, this is where UCL has been spending your £9,250). So when whispers of 22GS’s closure began to spread along the Bartlett grapevine, the students calmly began to panic - fearing they would lose their desks and with them their entire personalities.

Rumour was compounded when an email confirmed that the onsite BMade workshop would close later that after-

noon for an indefinite period (as it falls under UCL’s ban on face-to-face teaching). This caused additional, less mild panic as students did their level best to cram a whole term’s worth of hammering, drilling and screwing into the remainder of the afternoon.

An email from esteemed architectural historian Murray Fraser (editor of Sir Banister Fletcher’s Global History of Architecture - RRP £395.00 available at all good booksellers and, presumably, Waterstones) was spread around the BSc cohort like some sort of a virus... Fraser warned his students that 22GS was likely to close without warning over the weekend and not reopen until September.

Queue pandemonium. Take the gun?

Take the cannoli? TAKE EVERYTHING - THERE’S NO TIME TO DECIDE! Edgelord architects spent their Friday night going retro - playing games of irl Tetris as they crammed as much of the school’s equipment as possible into the boot of a Volkswagen Passat.

Come Monday, an email informed Bartlett students that 22GS would in fact remain open, as well as gently reminding them that ‘Desktop 3D Printers should remain in studio spaces’.

UCL, clearly wanting to make themselves of some value to a post-apocalyptic society, are hoarding all the 3D printers. Fucking typical. Shortly after the 3D Printers had been safely returned, 22GS was indefinitely closed.

UCL 1 - Bartlett Students nil.

CG’s Apology Readers may recall that mere months ago we published an issue commemorating our departure from the EU. The date which we so wryly gave the issue was ‘Doomsday 2020’. Snort, hehe, giggle giggle; oh aren’t we a funny bunch.

In light of recent developments, it has become clear that referring to Jan 31st as ‘doomsday’ was, at the very least, naive. At the very most, it was the thoughtless overreaction which provoked the gods to smite humankind with this mighty plague and show us here at CG once-and-for-all what a doomsday really feels like. Quite frankly we suspect it was the latter.

So for causing Coronavirus with our careless hyperbole, we are truly sorry.

It will not happen again. Until it does.

Suzannah Kingston Co-editor and avid lawnmower

Contributors to this issue: Adam Bloss, Sam Dodgshon, Alice Fraser Edwards, Jennie Howitt, Riddhi Kanetkar, Suzy Kingston, Isobel Macleod, Sophia Robinson, Weronika Strzyzynska, Ella Ticktin-Smith, Felicity Wareing.

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Self-isolation Special

Stef Craps - Your Agony Aunt Stephanie Crapper Hello readers, welcome back to another edition of Stef Craps, advice from your very own agony aunt Stefanie Crapper. Indeed, there could be no better time for some good counsel as we are all a little confounded in quarantine and stupefied by self-isolation.

As an optimist, I choose to look at the Coronavirus as a positive thing. This may just be the chance we’ve all been waiting for to become those people we’ve always wanted to become. Just think, months and months in isolation, without glimpsing another soul; this time is invaluable. If you have a crush, be it a classmate or co-worker who doesn’t know your name, then this is your chance to prove yourself worthy of them in the only way we know how: by changing yourself beyond recognition. Imagine when this isolation period is over, three, four even sixty months from now, you will emerge a new person, a phoenix rising from the ashes of your former mediocrity and hideousness ready to charm the pants (and maybe even socks!) off your formerly unenthusiastic paramour. Follow my simple steps and finally embrace the you that you’ve kept tied up in the basement for years, unable to escape through layers of adipose tissue and low self-esteem: the new, improved, real you.

1. Start to steal things. There is nothing sexier than neurosis. We all know this, you’ve only to watch steamy performances like Angelina Jolie’s in Girl Interrupted and Margot Robbie’s in Suicide Squad to realise that nothing sets the senses tingling like good oldfashioned insanity. At least in women.

Crazy men are rarely seen on screen parading around with their mouths open in hot pants, but I digress. As I’ve said, the best way to charm your crush is to bowl them over with sporadic displays of battiness and the way to do this is to develop little eccentricities to perfect over your time in self-isolation. Kleptomania is ideal. It says just enough that you’re a free-spirited anarchist without driving into full on mentalist territory. It’s tantalising without being too threatening. Practice on your housemates by starting first with small knickknacks or bric-a-brac. If you live alone, practice on yourself. This will only help to foster the sense of complete insanity that should surround you until your re-emergence into society. TOP TIP don’t push it too far. When you make your first trip to the pub post quarantine, you want the response to be “Cor they’re a bit nuts, but I’d definitely do ‘em” not “Alert the parish elders, this loon is about to torch the place”.

2. Glutes, glutes, glutes! We all know that the most important part of the body, more important even than the brain, are the glutes. Five years ago, none of us even knew what the glutes were, but I’d wager that nowadays “glutes” is the most used word in your vocabulary. Which self-respecting country doesn’t now have a Minstry for the Growth and Protection of the Glutes?

None, that’s which. Anyway, nothing will quite capture the attention of an unrequited crush like a brilliant pair.

Pair of glutes that is. You want your glutes to be so big that passers-by re-

mark “Blimey that’s a humpy camel” and “No Simon, that person is not astride a horse, they just have massive glutes”. The trusty hip-thrust is the only way to achieve this gluteyful look. I understand that most people do not have private gyms at home, despite the number of times yours truly has suggested it in her column. No matter. Our friend the hip thrust can be achieved using a very simple, common household appliance that all of you readers are likely to have lying about. The Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM isn’t just the cornerstone of every standard kitchen, it also provides the perfect weight for an effective hip thrust. You should aim to do 15 sets of about 35 thrusts. Any less than that and your glutes will be about as bodacious as the holey pantaloons of a long-neglected scarecrow after a particularly vicious typhoon.

3. Telephone your grandparents. This should be a no-brainer. In this very difficult and dangerous time, the elderly are the most at risk. There could be no better time to re-endear yourself to an estranged grandmother or neglected glutefather. The benefits of this are twofold. Firstly, you win some brownie points for cheering the old buggers up before their demise and secondly, once they do pass, you’ll have inherited enough cheddar to keep your Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM running for months as well as being able to afford the drinks once your impressive glutes have lured your crush to the pub.

So there we have it, readers. Follow these three simple steps and you will find yourself inundated with dates and thrown knickers once you leave your glute temple post CoronavirusTM quarantine. Until next time, stay glutes and keep well.

Your affectionate agony aunt, Stefanie “Glutes” Crapper This article is sponsored by the Queen Victoria Potato OvenTM

Self-isolation Special

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Cheese Grater Perspectives: Cheese Grater “I Joined An All-Female Committee And We Asks ‘Why?’ All Got Invisalign!”

Here at the Cheese Grater, we ask Jane Matthews was once just a woman, like many of us (except men).

Then, in her third year at university, she won a place on the committee of an arts magazine. Now, she has Invisalign.

The Cheese Grater’s Steven Andrews spoke to Jane to learn more about her experience.

Steven: Hi Jane. How are you today?

Jane: I’m good, thankth Thteven.

Tell us a bit about yourself and your role on this committee.

Well, I’m the media offither for The Thoup Dish Magathine. It’s a thatirical magazine here at UThL. I wath a part of the magathine for a couple of yearth and then dethided, why not run for a committee pothition? And now I have Invithalign.

That’s our understanding. And tell us, how did you wind up with Invisalign?

Yeah, tho a couple of weekth into term, one of the girlth on the committee came into a meeting with Invithalign. And I thought hey, maybe I should get that too. And then I got Invithalign, and one thing led to another, and now all the women have Invithalign.

Wow. So, just for our readers, explain what Invisalign is exactly?

It’th bathically invithible bratheth for your teeth. It’th a popular option among people who get brathes ath adulths, becauthe it’th leth obviouth than regular metal oneth. People thay mine are hardly notithable!

Cool! And how come, do you think, everyone else ended up getting it too?

I mean, you thpend a lot of time together ath a committee. It’th really important to be able to work well ath

a team, and tho it’th jutht logical to me that if one perthon getth Invithalign that otherth will want it too. Pluth it’th like, when one perthon pointth out thomething that’th a bit wrong with their fathe you thtart thinking hey, maybe my fathe ith fucked too. Tho it jutht thort of grew quite organically ath a team effort.

That’s really nice to hear. And would you say everyone’s happy with their decision?

Yeah, I think tho. I mean, counting per head, I would thay we have thpent maybe thixty thouthand poundth on Invithalign now, ath a committee. And that’th obviouthly quite a big commitment, tho it’th nithe to know we’re all in the thame boat.

Great, great. And – I hate to be that guy! – but we often hear stereotypes about all women working together and not getting on that well.

Has your experience been a positive one, or have you run into problems?

You know, not listening to each other, infighting, getting into disagreements over little things and so on?

To be honetht, I’d thay it’th pretty much like a normal committee, exthept we all have Invithalign.

What a lovely sentiment. Well, Jane, I think that’s all our questions – do you have any final thoughts to leave our readers on?

Yeah, I gueth I would jutht thay that if you’re thinking of going for a committee pothition thith year, jutht go for it! And even if it’th all women, that’th nothing to worry about. Thithterth are doing it for themthelves!

Haha, thanks Jane. Lovely to speak to you today.

No worrieth. Thankth!

the bold questions that others dare not to, this time in a bold new segment we like to call ‘The Cheese Grater Asks Why?’

- Why do we only get compensated £250 maximum for industrial action?

- Why does the Science Library smell so musty all the time? (I need not infantilise you; you know why.)

- Why can’t people submit their funny content to the Cheese Grater Magazine instead of UCLove? I mean, what is that about? Do they not even realise this society exists for content like that, or are they just so UP THEMSELVES THEY’D RATHER SEE ME STRUGGLE TO CREATE THE FAINTEST NASAL EXHALATION AS THEY GALLIVANT ANONYMOUSLY ROUND PARADING THEIR PARODIES LIKE THEY’RE BETTER THAN ME. I SPENT 15 HOURS WRITING THIS ONLY TO HAVE SOME STUPID JOKE SOMEONE STOLE FROM A TWEET GET MORE LAUGHS. IF I EVER SEE YOU, UCLOVE #14426, WELL…

- Why, I oughta...

6 Spring 2020 The Cheese Grater

Self-isolation Special

How to Shine on Instagram this Mother’s Day With Mother’s Day just around the corner, many of our readers have been asking us how they can make this yearly celebration just that little bit more special. After all, it can be hard showing your mother how uniquely wonderful she really is when 86% of women aged 40-44 in the United States of America have given birth at some stage in their lives (Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data, 2018).

Some families choose to buy their mother flowers or chocolates, while others may organize an outing to the cinema, the park or a restaurant. But instead of taking your mother out for lunch to celebrate the tender way in which she calls you ‘a fucking spoilt

#2020 YOUR OWN KITCHEN

This is a tip for the more laid-back kind of London tourist - why not try a visit to your own kitchen! It’s a great attraction for those who like to both

little brat’, we at Female Magazine suggest a cheaper, artier and more thoughtful gesture: an Instagram post.

The process is simple: find an attractive photo of your mother in her mid20s (ideally wearing a bikini, or perhaps some other tight-fitting outfit), put a not get Coronavirus, and also remain nourished.

For now at least, your kitchen is one of London’s lesser known attractions, so shouldn’t be too overrun with tourists, but it’s still good to plan ahead.

This can help you to avoid your kitchen’s busier times, when your flatmate makes you queue for the hob whilst she boils 1000 eggs.

‘Wu-han Clan’

filter on it (sepia works especially well), and then upload it to Instagram with a brief caption thanking her for giving birth to you.

This token of your appreciation will take no more than 5 minutes, have absolutely no affect on your relationship with your mother (who doesn’t have Instagram and still doesn’t understand how social media works) , and, most importantly, will somehow highlight your own attractiveness by showcasing how lovely your mother’s figure was before she pushed your miserable body out of her vagina. If this post-Freudian, egotistical quest for sexual validation doesn’t grab the attention of boys on Instagram, we don’t know what will!

Cheese Grater Pick Of The Week

Mike Ashley - what an absolute fucking pick.

Commemorative Covid-19 Pullout Activity Pack

The Cheese Grater Spring 2020 7

Covid-19x19 Soduko Why not try your hand at Puzzlemaster Wendy’s Covid-16x16 Soduko Bonanza! Simply fit the numbers 1 to 16 into each row, column and square of the grid. But remember! You can only use each number once in every row, column or grid, you fucking moron, come on it’s Soduko you know how to do Soduko.

Difficulty: Killer (or mild flu symptoms depending on your existing soduko abilities)

The Cheese Grater Magazine’s Quiz of the Year!

January 1) So little has happened in popular culture this year that we’ll start by asking you a question that’s not even about this year. What is the date on which the Coronavirus outbreak (which will surely engulf all humanity and everything we held dear) began?

2) What is the Scottish name for celebrations on December 31st of each year?

3) One three month long year - so many chances for society to crumble! On January 3rd

what happened which brought us all to the brink of war?

4) On January 21st which Monty Python member saw the downward direction that things on earth were headed in and had the good sense to leave this mortal coil?

5) On which day did the first case of coronavirus land on these fair shores and begin to pillage it’s way through our society?

6) If coronavirus were a person, which museum would the virus have perhaps spent an enjoyable day out at on it’s first day in the UK? February 7) As we keep being told, Coronavirus doesn’t obey international borders, racial or class divides. But which race was the first to go batshit crazy and start hoarding pasta?

8) On Feburary 13th a NASA spacecraft explored it’s most distant body to date (pictured below). But what is the name for this deformed lump of space turd?

9) Which of the following is NOT a symptom of Coronavirus?

Aches, coughing, trouble breathing, neurosis, googling things then forgetting why you googled them, being stuck in the house all day, developing a re-ignited passion for baking, nostalgia, clinical depression.

March 10) What day is it? My alarm clock ran out of batteries a few weeks ago and I’ve sort of just been adrift since then...

Answers: 1) December 1st 2019 2) Hogmanay 3) The assassination of Qasem Soleimani 4) Terry Jones 5) January 31st (same day as Brexit... Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so) 6) The Yorvik Centre 7) White people 8) 486958 Arrokoth 9) These are all symptoms of Coronavirus, you defo have it btw... 10) It is march 22nd.

Normally we’d save it for December, but seeing as the year in popular culture is basically over, and we’re all stuck inside now anyway, here goes - the big quiz of everything that has happened in 2020! So throw away your dunce’s hat, lay your fingers on your buzzers and under no circumstances leave the house at any time for any reason as we play Quiz of (the first and only two months of) 2020!

8 Spring 2020 The Cheese Grater

Commemorative Covid-19 Pullout Activity Pack

Society Bitch’s Tangled Leads!

Soc Bitch has been very busy antagonising members of the men’s football team, and has left the Cheese Grater office in a bit of a mess...

Bloody typical! Can you help her match the societies to the heignous crimes that they have committed in time for the next issue?

Chanted racist invective on the Loop bus

RUMS Netball

Drove their freshers to a field in Sussex and made them smear each other in honey and swap body hair.

Encouraged members to dress in ‘oriental attire’ at a Chinese New Year party

UCL Men’s Rugby

UCL Christian Union

“Thanks for your help! Oh, yeah, I forgot, they’re all Men’s Rugby. Haha!”

Commemorative Covid-19 Pullout Activity Pack

The Cheese Grater Spring 2020 9

Colouring in!

Colouring in is going to be a vital skill in our post coronavirus-apocolypse world, so why not sharpen those crayons and get practicing!

Here at The Cheese Grater we feel it is our moral duty to remind you of Boris Johnson’s wise words. ‘Many more of us will lose loved ones before their time.’ So wise. Our colouring in activity has been designed to keep impending death at the forefront of your mind, in order to prepare each of us for the grim inevitability of our own demise.

Cheese Grater Challenge!

How long can you go without stopping for another wank?

See if you can complete the challenge, and write your score in the space below!

Escape from self-isolation!

You’ve been self-isolating for weeks and weeks now, but enough is enough!

You need to get outside to walk the dog/buy some tinned goods/run a murderous rampage - just for five minutes, just to feel human again. But before you can go get that beloved Vitamin D, you must get outside! Starting in the centre, see if you can escape from the maze of self-isolation.

10 Spring 2020 The Cheese Grater

Do you feel blue?

Do you feel blue?

Have trouble getting out of bed in the Have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings? No friends?☹ mornings? No friends?☹ Try this new tip to make you feel instantly better…

Every younew maketip a negative comment about your shittybetter… life, follow up Trytime this to make you feel instantly

with time this phrase: “but at least I’m not Pritiyour Patel”.

Let one offollow theup Every timesimple make aa negative comment about shitty life, follow Every you make negative comment about your shitty life, most despicable human beings inI’m thenot world brighten your with this simple phrase: “but“but at least Priti Let day! oneLet of the up with this simple phrase: at least I’m notPatel”.

Priti Patel”. one human beings in the world brighten your your day! day! of themost mostdespicable despicable human beings in the world brighten

“I have low self-esteem nolow oneself-esteem loves me, “Iand have butno at one leastloves I’m not Pri9 and me, Patel”. but at least I’m not Pri9

Patel”.

“Today, I started drinking at 11:45am, “Today, I started but at least I’m not drinking atPri9 11:45am, Patel”. but at least I’m not Pri9 Patel”.

“I ran over my aunt and dog “I uncle’s ran over mythree aunt daysuncle’s ago, butdog at least and three I’m ago, not Pri9 Patel”. days but at least

I’m not Pri9 Patel”.

“Some9mes I feel everything I think or “Some9mes Ibut feel create is meaningless, at leasteverything I’m not Pri9I think Patel”.or create is meaningless, but at least I’m not Pri9 Patel”.

“Oh no, I’ve shat myself in Sainsbury’s whilst wearing white linen trousers, but “Oh no, I’ve shat myself in Sainsbury’s at least I’m not Pri9 Patel”. whilst wearing white linen trousers, but at least I’m not Pri9 Patel”.

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society President—Darcy Bounsall president@cheesegratermagazine.org Co-Editors—Suzy Kingston and Weronika Strzyzynska editor@cheesegratermagazine.org Investigations Editor—Sophia Robinson investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org Humour Editor—Sam Dodgshon humour@cheesegratermagazine.org Online Editor—Riddhi Kanetkar online@cheesegratermagazine.org Graphics Editor—Isobel Macleod © Students’ Union UCL, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. Views expressed herein are not necessarily those of SU UCL or the editors.