Freshers’ Fresher Issue 2016 cheesegratermagazine.org
2 Freshers’ Fresher Issue 2016 The Cheese Grater
UCL offers £2000 off rent for halls reps but tells no-one about it Peter Daniels & Jason Murugesu On the 19th October, voting will begin for hall representatives across UCL, with one big change. The scheme, organised by UCLU, will see those elected as reps receiving a £2000 reduction in their rent for the year. However, the rent cut was not advertised in the application forms, leaflets or posters for the role. Zakariya Mohran, Sustainability, Engagement and Operations Officer, justified the decision, telling The Cheese Grater, “It’s not advertised on the leaflets or posters for the position to make sure the people who are running want to genuinely do the job and not just get a rent reduction. [Just as] with all the publicity for the full time sabbatical roles.” However, whilst the £26k sabbatical officers receive has been common knowledge for years, very few first year students were told about their remuneration. As a result, the number of students who nominated themselves for the position was predictably low, with 4 of the 13 halls receiving only one nominee apiece. The vast majority of the candidates who spoke to The Cheese Grater stated that they had only been made aware of the rent reduction upon attending a meeting for nomi-
nees after having already applied. Confusion over the role doesn’t stop there. It seems unclear how much work the hall reps actually have to do. Two sabbatical officers and Head of Accommodations, Duncan Palmer told The Cheese Grater that the £2000 reduction was adequate compensation, since students would be expected to work 16 – 18 hours a week, more than demanded of previous reps. However, according to the official job description for the role, representatives are only expected to put in an average of an hour a week, with an occasional meeting thrown in. Added to this is the fact that UCL, and not UCLU, will be administering the £2000 rent reduction, blurring the lines of responsibility further. The nominees we have spoken to are still in the dark as to whether they would be reporting to the sabbs, or to university management. With tensions still high over rent and halls still in poor condition (see Freshers issue), it remains to be seen how this move will affect tightly wound student-accommodation relations.
Society Bitch Soc Bitch was happy to learn that the Men’s Rugby Club have been granted a reprieve from their Phineas ban. In return, they are being forced to give up their favourite past time of downing pints. The rule, introduced by the new Food and Beverage Manager, will attempt to stop the Rugby team from scoring a “messy try” by chucking up all over the bar area. The use of pitchers is also forbidden, with thirsty sportsfolk now forced to juggle four pint glasses, regardless of whether they are in Juggling Society or not. It remains unclear how this non-downing rule will be enforced. Soc Bitch is left wondering how many sips-per-second counts as “downing”. There may be a silver lining though: at least Rugby Club will be less likely to punch off bathroom doors if they haven’t done one or two “Johnny Wilkinsons” first.
The Cheese Grater Freshers’ Fresher Issue 2016 3
Five Telltale Signs Your Hometown Hunk Has Totally Cheated On You In Freshers’ Week Buzz Lightfeed
Got a hunch that your sweetheart has lost that lovin’ feeling? Could they be sleeping around behind your back? Check out The Cheese Grater’s top five telltale signs of infidelity! 1. He cannot discern a wanton ox among a flock of sheep. Has he been acting aloof recently? Maybe he’s stopped replying to your text messages? Maybe he doesn’t get excited about your late night Skype calls anymore? Maybe he didn’t spot the wandering ox in your flock of sheep? Here’s a hint, sugar: it’s time to dump that cheating Charlie! 2. A lone wolf musters forth a barbarous yawp at dawn’s break. We get it, we get it. No one wants to play the blame game in a relationship. But a hound’s yarl at dawn is a definite sign that he’s up to no good.
3. He won’t bury himself next to you anymore. Not much else this could mean. Reality check: he’s totally cheating on you! 4. A Pair of devilish horns sprout from atop his fore’ed on the lunar cycle’s first kalend. Hold up, hold up. Let’s think about this for a second. So maybe you haven’t caught him red handed. But if he bears the mark of Beelzebub, you might want to think about checking his text messages. Something is definitely awry. 5. Twelve grass squares in the courtyard be, within each one an apple seed. He says it was just a bit of innocent flirting, but the omens in the courtyard tell a different story.
UCL Sues for Copyright Over Pokémon Go Ash Ketchup
It has recently been reported that UCL are frantically suing both Nintendo and Niantic over intellectual theft – claiming that Pokémon Go, an app allowing 18-30 year olds to pretend they used to enjoy Pokémon, has directly copied features from UCL’s own UCL: Go! “Not only are the titles very similar,” argued one representative of UCL, “but both apps feature poorly designed maps, are prone to crash mid-use, and in no way enhance your actual experience of life.” Nintendo and Niantic seem to have mounted their
defence on one key difference: people actually use Pokémon Go without being instructed to by their Transition Mentor. However, UCL’s developers have struck back, and are arguing that Pokémon Go directly copies UCL: Go!’s “free to play” model – although shocking statistics have come to light revealing that most users of UCL’s app have spent upwards of £9000 a year in ‘preapp purchases’. Out of the two, Pokémon Go seems to be enjoyed the most around campus, albeit secretly. Users have been warned, however, that the most common spawns are Pidgeys, Ratattas and fucking Freshers.
Contributors: Oli Bond, Alex Castillo, Peter Daniels. Ned Davies, Ollie Dunn, Carne Gray- Roberts, Jason Murugesu, Will Orton, Ollie Phelan, Jack Redfern, Tara Sarangi.
4 Freshers’ Fresher Issue 2016 The Cheese Grater
Life’s a Bitch, Then Puke Life’s a Bitch andYou then you Puke
Breakfast
Transport
Normal Life
Some wholesome eggs, sausages and bacon. A glass of OJ for the vitamins, and a hug from your mum. Hopping on the Tube, or a lift from your loving parents.
Sleep
A good 8 hours.
Making friends
Introducing yourself politely to the new people in your class.
Budgeting
Spending a few quid on beers from the shop.
First Term
Eating cold baked beans out of the tin like a deranged caveman. Crawling through a desolate nuclear wasteland, clutching your loving tin of baked beans. Hungover, slowly drifting to sleep during a 3 hour induction lecture on how email works. Trying to remember if the guy living across from you is Michael, James or John, and being too afraid to ask. Emptying your wallet on 3 bottles of vodka, because vomiting on strangers is the closest thing you have to human contact right now.
UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society President—Will Orton Editor—Ollie Phelan Investigations Editor—Jason Murugesu Humour Editor—Jack Redfern Zine Editor—Tara Sarangi
president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org zine@cheesegratermagazine.org
© UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.