Cheese Grater Magazine Issue 77

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Issue 77 - Spring 2021 cheesegratermagazine.org facebook.com/uclcheesegrater

Cheese Grater

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Voices

Change shouldn’t be a ‘women’s burden’.

Male violence against women must be diminished. Intersectional solidarity is the way forward - a movement of which men must become a part.

Riddhi Kanetkar and Sophia Robinson *Trigger Warning: Mentions of sexual assault and violence.

She just wanted to go home.

Women have felt overwhelmed as events unfolded over the last couple of weeks, beginning with the disappearance of a young woman from a denselypopulated, ‘safe’ part of London, and ending with the confirmation of her murder. Many of us have been unable to sleep, to stop thinking about what happened, because it served as yet another gut-wrenching reminder that this fear is a normal, quotidian element of our lives, which makes it all the more insidious.

It is so normalised, so ingrained into our psyche - not to mention, into the fabric of our society - that we only questioned it only upon consuming another woman’s traumatic experience. Yet this case was especially disturbing, because it served as an uncanny reminder that no matter how hard we try to keep ourselves safe, the choice of our safety ultimately doesn’t lie in our own hands.

Sarah Everard did everything they tell you to do. She wore a bright green jacket; she called her boyfriend 15 minutes prior to her disappearance; she was walking down a busy, well-lit road. Sarah did everything ‘right’. The word ‘right’ is a problematic way to describe her demeanour, because women shouldn’t have to act in any particular way for people to respect their safety, and this word implies fault. But this was the textbook example that women are offered when we’re warned of how to avoid attackers.

Funny how men are never warned.

Or told to restrain themselves. Or even told to ‘stay inside’ whenever there’s a prolific case of violence against women.

The demonstrations following the murder of Everard also highlighted the need for an intersectional approach to feminist solidarity. The pressure group, Sisters Uncut, who organised the vigil at Clapham Common, outlined how: ‘we are most at risk of gendered violence when we are women, when we are poor, when we are black or brown, when we are disabled, when we are trans, and when we are migrants’. Their statement underlines the grim reality that many face as a consequence of their race, disability, sexual and gender orientation, and citizenship status. The fight against gendered violence must shift its focus beyond centring only cis, white, able-bodied women, and promote solidarity across all these groups.

In the wake of Sarah’s murder, the hashtag #NotAllMen was trending above the hashtag #SarahEverard. Following a woman’s murder, enough men online felt it more important to protect their image - to prove that they are not rapists, they are not the problem, they are not murderers. Yet by doing so, by prioritising the proof of their own innocence, they have solidified their complicity. If your instinct is to say ‘not all men’, then you are part of the problem.

The recent UN survey has shown that 97% of women aged 18-24 have experienced sexual harassment. ‘Not all men’? Maybe. But almost ALL women endure sexual misconduct or violence, most commonly perpetrated by men.

Every woman has, usually at multiple points in her life, experienced the deep fear that she may be harmed by a man.

Walking down the street, looking over

her shoulder, feeling that someone is following her. Speeding up only to hear the footsteps behind her speed up, too.

And then comes the dreadful thought, ‘this is it’. Every woman has felt that horror.

If anyone feels tempted to tell women that they should simply avoid men who would harm them, let this be a reminder that the villains are among us; they can be our friends, our relatives, our coworkers. They are not just some horrifying figure lurking in the shadows of dark alleys. Out of all victims of sexual assault and rape, 90% know their attacker. We fear so much because we cannot know who among us is capable of inflicting violence upon us.

It is too convenient to only get outraged when the news headlines tell stories of women who have been assaulted or murdered. Too easy to speak up in the wake of tragedy, to care when the reality of male-on-female violence is staring you right in the face. But men’s violent actions against women shouldn’t have to become a public spectacle from which we can leech a transient emotional response.

We have to come to terms with the fact that, unless men consciously take a stand against misogynistic violence and rape culture, society will become enmeshed in this regressive cycle that resists any form of change.

Even when the threat faced by women seems undeniable, too many men express doubt or disbelief. For every two steps we take forward, it always feels like we’re taking one step back. But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are actionable steps that men can take to ensure that women feel safer. But individual action should not be discounted.

Voices

The most important one is: men talk to your friends. Even if YOU’RE not harassing someone, being complicit and watching your friends get away with it is a key reason why the problem persists. Without being repudiated, assaulters will carry on. Stop putting the onus on women for preventing harm done to them. Stop expecting women to call you out on your inappropriate behaviour. Stop expecting women to take time to educate you on an issue which has been spoken about for decades. Take the time to educate yourselves.

And you may say, ‘but it is uncomfortable to call out my friends’. But are you comfortable prioritising your comfort over our safety and our lives?

For women, there is often a stigma attached to the experience of assault.

We question our behaviour, our choice of clothing, our language. How about men start questioning their friends’ motives?

There are certain street etiquettes that can alleviate a woman’s fear when she’s walking down a road. ‘Crossing the street’ is not a revolutionary act, but it is helpful. So is being an active bystander. If you see someone being catcalled or harassed, intervene. Women are already scared senseless in situations like this - so use your voice.

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help mitigate violence against women.

It is equally the job of our elected political representatives to ensure that they enable these safeguarding measures.

Yet a lacuna in understanding the root causes of misogynistic violence, and the police’s complicity towards it, has led to plans for police to patrol bars in undercover clothing. Our question is: who will protect us from plain-clothed police officers?

Too often, when men express their solidarity or outrage with violence against women, they do so as ‘fathers of daughters, husbands of wives, sons of mothers, or brothers of sisters’. Why is it necessary for a man to be related to a woman, or have one in his inner social circle, to care about women’s rights?

Men should care about women because they are human beings who deserve a safe life free from fear and violence.

Now, more than ever, we need to stand in unity with women, those of marginalised genders, and survivors.

So, to the men reading this, if you truly are an ally, now’s the time to prove it.

Self-teach resources: Sisters Uncut: A group taking direct action for domestic abuse survivors.

Everyone’s Invited: A movement committed to exposing rape culture.

boys to call out abusive and sexist behaviour among their friends, colleagues and communities to promote a culture of equality and respect.”

Imkaan: A UK-based, second-tier women’s organisation dedicated to addressing violence against Black and minoritised women and girls.

Women’s Aid: A grassroots federation working to amplify the voices of survivors, and end domestic violence.

Feminist mobilisation: Confronting Violence Against Women: The Power of Women’s Movements. Research and Policy Brief 21 (2016), Paola Cagna and Joannah Caborn Wengler, Geneva: UNRISD, http://www. unrisd.org/rpb21 London Feminist Library: a women-only feminist networking and campaigning organisation that is based in London, UK. LFN was formed in 2004 to unite London-based feminist groups and individuals in action.

24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline (Provides advice on all forms of domestic violence) 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

That being said, it is undeniable that structural change will largely shift the status quo. Better urban planning, a systemic educational process, and tougher repercussions for offenders can

White Ribbon: A charity that aims to end male violence against women by engaging with boys and men. “White Ribbon Ambassadors are male volunteers who engage with other men and

Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre (Provides advice on all forms of sexual violence, past or present) National Freephone Helpline 0808 802 9999. 12.00-14.30 and 7.00 – 9.30 (daily). http://www.rasasc.org.uk/

Stephanie Frank Amazonian indigenous people are learned in the ways of the forest, in which we will never be. They are closest to the earth and have understood

its secrets. Yet they too have tasted polluted waters, walked through forest ash and held the hands of elders as they die from foreign diseases the white man has brought. During 2020, in Brazil

alone, close to 27,000 indigenous people contracted coronavirus, of which 806 died. Over 146 tribes have been affected and mortality rates are increasing. On Wednesday 17th Febru-

Covid-19 is claiming indigenous lives - including the last surviving male of the Juma tribe.

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ary, Covid-19 took the life of Amoim Aruká, the last surviving male of the Juma tribe in Brazil. Yet we have the opportunity to ensure his death was not in vain.

As a child, Aruká survived an obscene massacre of his tribe, which was commanded by traders interested in exploiting rubber and chestnut from his land. His people were chased and ferociously murdered in a cannibalistic hunt to death. Only six Jumas survived. In his adult life, the last Juma people were forced off their ancestral land by state authorities, merging them into the domain of the Uru-Eu-WauWau, which shared a common mother tongue. Here, his daughters married with the other tribe, but in the years outside his territory, Aruká was depressed and sorely missed his home.

Years later, as a grandfather, Amoim Aruká was at last able to return to his people’s sacred lands, permitted by state authorities. He was joined by his daughters, their husbands and children, and it is here his body will rest.

Voices

drugs scientifically proven to not effectively treat Covid-19, yet are insistently promoted by the Brazilian President, Jair Bolsonaro.

Amazonian indigenous people are among the most vulnerable groups battling Covid-19. Crucial information explaining the threat and preventive measures are often unavailable in their native language, excluding them in ways to help themselves. They lack personal protective gear and modern medicinal equipment, including basic aid such as clean water, disinfectant, soap, etc. Located within folds of the natural forest ecosystem, they are far away from essential hospitals and face a disproportionately high risk in public health emergencies. Smaller, local medical services are generally inefficient or understaffed.

Aruká Juma died aged between 86 and 90 in hospital from respiratory failure and an infection due to Covid-19 complications. Incubated in hospital since January, Aruká was prescribed chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine;

Yet these vulnerabilities have been amplified amid the current political climate of Brazil. President Bolsonaro’s apathetic watch over Brazil has led to coronavirus assailing the country. His dismissal of the virus and his actions, bordering on mockery, have meant Brazil has become second to the U.S regarding death rate world-wide. Prioritising economic gain over the protection of his country’s indigenous people, Bolsonaro continues to aggressively exploit the Amazon for commercial de-

Kit Rooney I live in a small village in South East England. I first heard the word ‘Traveller’ used to describe a group of people when I was about 10. I was sitting at my friend’s kitchen table and her parents were chatting about some Traveller boys who lived across the road. “F*****g p*keys” her dad said. The hatred a lot of settled people in my village feel towards the Irish Traveller community is often handed down to them by their

parents. Accusations of theft, trespassing and anti-social behaviour are regularly thrown at anyone who happens to be a Traveller. I’ve seen men denied access to the pub for no reason other than someone whispered they came from the campsite down at Smithy Fen. A boy from a Traveller family who went to my school was thrown down a flight of stairs. A friend of mine got punched in the face and called a ‘gyppo’. You can almost guarantee that under any post

velopment, posing a genuine threat of ethnocide for the communities that call it home.

Is Covid-19 an example of nature fighting back? One only needs to take a single look at biodiversity decline and climate change to see how broken the natural world has become. It is no surprise the 20th century has seen more deaths from zoonotic diseases than any other; consider the outbreak of Ebola virus or SARS, for example. When man takes resources - minerals, plants and animals from the forest, their diseases are brought out too. I am doubtful that Coronavirus will be the last pandemic our generation will have to face, unless we drastically change our behaviours towards the natural world.

‘We have a word for you – the outsider, the stranger. In my language, WaoTededo, that word is “cowori”. And it doesn’t need to be a bad word. But you have made it so.’ - Nemonte Nenquimo, indigenous activist and leader of the Waorani People in Ecuador.

It’s time we listen to the voices of indigenous people, who have identified our ignorant desecration of the planet, and learn to tread lightly. It’s time we stopped taking and started defending our home on Earth.

Discrimination against Gypsy, Roma, and Traveller communities has fatal consequences. on the village Facebook page about anything going amiss, there will be a ‘funny’ comment asking if any caravans were in the area at the time.

I was therefore disappointed, but not surprised, when the Pontins ‘undesirable guests list’ scandal hit the headlines earlier this month. These names were Irish, but this blacklist process was specifically designed to prevent Irish Travellers from holidaying in these parks.

Voices

Dubbed ‘the last acceptable form of racism’ by Sir Trevor Phillips back in 2004, discrimination against Gypsy, Roma, and Traveller (GRT) peoples is endemic throughout the UK and the rest of Europe. ‘Traveller’ and ‘Gypsy’ are often (sometimes wrongly) used as catch-all terms to denote an incredibly diverse population, each with their own cultures, traditions and linguistic practices. There are English and Welsh Romani Gypsies, European Roma, Irish Travellers, Scottish Gypsy Travellers, Bargees, Boat Dwellers, Showmen, and various other ethnic and cultural groups who may identify or be referred to as ‘Travellers’.

GRT communities are some of the most marginalised in the world, with some countries still sending Romani children to segregated schools. It is thought as many as 500,00 Romani people were murdered in Europe during WW2, and some scholars estimate this number to be much higher. In the UK, 77% of GRT peoples have experienced hate speech or a hate crime, and a shocking 91% have experienced discrimination because of their ethnicity.

This discrimination is common and, for some reason, acceptable in many circles. Even at UCL. Over a few drinks at Mulley’s, after asking someone to stop shouting the word ‘p*key’, I was told I had clearly never met a Traveller before, and that they are all criminals. This was met with nods of agreement and laughs from everyone at the table. Thinking back to my friend’s black eye, and the boy at school that got thrown down the

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stairs, I did not find this funny.

Violent physical attacks on members of GRT communities are sadly not unusual. One of the most horrific cases happened in 2003 when 15-year-old schoolboy Johnny Delaney was beaten to death in a playground by other children, one of whom said: “He deserved it, he was only a f*****g Gypsy”. It was just two years later that The Sun newspaper ran the headline ‘Stamp On the Camps’ – a call to arms for councils and communities to expel Travellers.

Media representation of GRT communities has done infinitely more harm than good, with shows like Channel 4’s ‘The Truth about Traveller Crime’, widely denounced as being dehumanising. Social media posts seen online after the show was aired included calls for Travellers to be gassed and sterilised.

For centuries, that is exactly what has been happening. The Romani Holocaust, or the Porajmos (literally the ‘Devouring’), carried out by the Nazis was officially recognised by the West German government in 1979. As recently as 2007, Roma women in Czechoslovakia were subjected to a brutal eugenics policy, facing forced and systematic sterilisation.

have been disproportionately affected by the pandemic. In some situations conditions have been extreme, with sites lacking basic amenities like clean running water. GRT peoples already had higher rates of mortality than the general population prior to the pandemic, the coronavirus now threatens to cause community collapse as difficulties in accessing medical services worsen.

The systemic marginalisation of GRT peoples can no longer be ignored.

Using anti-Traveller slurs can no longer be dismissed as ‘banter’. Racism, bullying and discrimination against Gypsy, Roma, and Traveller communities has led to higher death rates, higher suicide rates and even murder - how many more have to die before this changes?

The burden of educating settled people about GRT experiences has rested with community activists and scholars for too long. It is up to us as individuals to educate ourselves about GRT history and culture, and confront the racism and discrimination we see head on. As a first step, write to your MP to speak out against the new anti-encampments bill which will make trespass with vehicles a criminal offence, a direct attack on the nomadic way of life.

Spikes in vile social media attacks are deeply worrying, as a 2020 study found that hate crimes directed at GRT peoples have led to a rise in suicides. This rise may also have been affected by the nationwide lockdown, during which it was found GRT communities have

To find out more about GRT culture and history follow the @dikhlocollective on Instagram, and to stay up to date with campaigns, cultural awareness training and education initiatives visit https://www.gypsy-traveller.org/.

board at UCL voted to reject the IHRA guidelines, citing “potentially deleterious effects on free speech, such as instigating a culture of fear or self-silencing on teaching or research or classroom discussion of contentious topics.” The definition is brief: “Anti-semitism is a

certain perception of Jews, which may be expressed as hatred toward Jews.

Rhetorical and physical manifestations of antisemitism are directed toward Jewish or non-Jewish individuals and/ or their property, toward Jewish community institutions and religious facili-

UCL academic board revives IHRA anti-semitism debate.

Alfie Pannell The controversy shrouding the International Holocaust Remembrance Agency’s (IHRA) definition of antisemitism has resurfaced at UCL. In February, 2021, an academic

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ties.”

Despite its apparent simplicity, the definition has proven a source of bitter disagreement at UCL and beyond.

Opponents challenge the accompanying illustrative examples, seven out of eleven of which refer to Israel. They interpret these as conflating anti-Zionism with anti-semitism, suppressing criticism of the state of Israel.

The dispute heated up in October when education secretary Gavin Williamson warned that universities who do not adopt the definition in full will face cuts to their funding. Many criticised this move as a threat to free speech and debate on campuses, with some prominent lawyers questioning its legality.

At UCL, the definition has been enshrined since 2019 when the administration adopted it in full. Yet, in a report in December 2020 a group of senior academics at UCL resolved that “this specific working definition is not fit for purpose within a university setting and has no legal basis for enforcement.” These findings paved the way for the recent resolution of the academic board to reject it.

The move was welcomed by UCL’s Students for Justice in Palestine. They

News & Investigations

wrote that the definiton served to “divide our community and suppress free speech” and urged the university to “replace the IHRA definition with a definition that protects both Jewish and Palestinian students.”

However, the Jewish Society was “disturbed by the decision.” They see it as the work of “a small group of academics who are more interested in theoretical discussion of antisemitism than practically supporting their students.”

The society also claimed that Jewish students have made clear that the IHRA definition offers them the greatest protection on campus. Their stance is supported by nineteen members of the UCL academic board who signed an open letter defending the definition as “an important safeguard.”

Yet, the decision now falls onto UCL’s governing council who stated that they will “now consider this recommendation and will continue to consult and listen to the views of the entire UCL community on this and other issues.”

Now, pressure is mounting from all sides on Dr Michael Spence, the new Provost, to make a final ruling that will satisfy the disparate sides of such a controversial debate.

The case behind introducing an Equity Officer.

Rusheen Bansal On 20th January 2021, it was announced that a new role was being added to the Sabbatical Officers team — a full-time Equity Officer. Subsequently, the roles of Women’s Officer, along with the Black and Minority Ethnic Student’s Officer, will be made part-time and an Equalities unit will be established that will “provide[s] the support our liberation officers lacked for years,” reported the Student’s Un-

ion website.

These changes were proposed and approved after an impartial consultation by a third-party group, MiraGold, on representation at UCL. The agency conducted surveys and focus groups with “students, current and previously elected officers, and the people at UCL that students and officers are seeking to influence” and consequently suggested several improvements to the structure

Society Bitch Another year another destiny, we’re coming to the end of it. Not Soc Bitch though: I shalt live eternally like the red woman in GoT. If you haven’t heard, a certain someone has been elected as education officer much to the distress of anyone who respects democracy. I am a libra so I am all about justice and I am taking this whole fiasco very personally !

Where is RON when you need him?

Speaking of elections, say your goodbyes to the sunlight cos I’m about to throw some shade. Apparently there has been more poor conduct by a person in authority against their running mates. A current academic rep in Econ Soc has been making casteist comments against a running mate for president of the society. After reporting it to the current prez, who wanted to deal with the matter internally, this individual was given a 12 hour suspension from campaigning. Jokes – that would be such a stupid punishment lol. In actuality this individual was not given an interview to be president by the committee, as part of the Econ Soc election process. But I’m sure yall would agree that any kind of discriminatory comments should be dealt with more seriously. However, the victim was told that there was not enough evidence to report the incident to the department.

Yet again, a representative of the student body being problematic. And so we move.

This seems way to negative to end the year on so I’ll leave you with some cringe graduation quote about what a crazy wild ride it’s been. Anything is possible if you follow your dreams…or if you’re prepared to abuse your position of authority.

News & Investigations

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of the SU for a more effective and representative body.

projects” to tackle issues of racism, harassment and discrimination?

Although these changes were unanimously agreed upon by the Union Executive Committee, they did raise some doubts about what they imply — by making liberation officers parttime, is the SU taking the focus away from their agendas? Or was it simply a logistical move to better allocate resources to provide “more support for campaigns, casework and student-led

A Student’s Union spokesperson explained to the Cheese Grater Magazine that the previous model propelled an uneven distribution of workload, where Liberation Officers were asked to take on “detailed casework” along with the responsibilities of their role, which created a “legal risk as well as an emotional burden” for them. Therefore, the new structure will ensure their “libera-

Juliette Grieve Students on study abroad programmes have always had to deal with a unique set of challenges, such as visa complications, communication between institutions, and geographical isolation from support systems. While welfare support is more readily available to students studying on campus, there is a grey area when considering the resources available to study abroad students. The Cheese Grater has spoken to a few UCL students about their study abroad experiences, particularly with regards to student support.

this undergraduate, both the French institution and UCL had assured them that they would be guaranteed accommodation. However, in December, the French university suddenly told the student that they were no longer able to offer them accommodation. The student contacted both institutions for clarification. In response, UCL expressed fears that this situation had damaged “the good will” between the two universities and allegedly requested that the student apologise to the French university for questioning their change of mind. Whilst the student was eventually granted accommodation by the French institution, the stress caused by these exchanges was unnecessary.

tion work is sustainable, fully supported, and sets us on a positive path for the future.”

All in all, the conception of an Equalities unit is promising. With tangible resources now at their disposal, liberation officers should finally be able to deliver on their promises on improving the accessibility of campus, closing the diversity gap and decolonising the curriculum, among others.

Student support whilst studying abroad: Is UCL doing enough?

One student who was in Germany last year felt that UCL “were not very forthcoming with any support considering [students] had been left in the lurch”. Certainly, being stranded in a separate country in the wake of the pandemic should have compelled the university to take decisive measures to prioritise the welfare of their year abroad cohort. It would also have been expected that the university’s organisation and communication would have improved following the initial worldwide chaos of March 2020.

Furthermore, a student who was meant to travel to France in January of this year felt they had a similarly poor experience. In September, according to

This pattern is not confined solely to this year. In the past, students have felt that wellbeing support has not always been up to scratch in practice. One student explained how they believed UCL was slow in forwarding SoRA information to the partner university in Germany. “UCL said they’ll notify the university you’re going to of your SoRA but that didn’t actually happen for me” the student explained. “There wasn’t any clear handover process which meant had I not been confident in my language ability (ab initio), it could have been really difficult if I’d wanted extensions applied to any coursework”.

This event occurred prior to the outbreak of the pandemic.

Given the recent nationwide NUS student survey, which showed that 54% of students “say their mental health has deteriorated or been affected negatively

by Covid-19”, universities have a particular responsibility to extend their support to students studying off-campus, and internationally. It is therefore hoped that UCL has even further increased their efforts to support students abroad during this particularly difficult time.

However, undergraduates have also had positive experiences with UCL wellbeing support during their year abroad. For example, a student reported that, last year, they were contacted

by UCL to ensure that they were safe following a shooting in Germany.

The university website also indicates that wellbeing services are offered to students abroad through the ‘Global student assistance programme’. This programme includes short-term counselling and a 24/7 telephone support helpline. In addition to these measures, UCL assures that the Carefirst instant messaging service and askUCL still apply to all students, even those who are not London-based.

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The pandemic has exacerbated the student mental-health crisis in the UK;

Humour

in order to prove their commitment to student welfare, UCL must sustain

their support for those studying offcampus, and in exchange programmes.

The veteran’s guide to pulling an all-nighter.

I believe it was the famous scholar Britney Spears who once said “Oops, I did it again.”

If you’re reading this, there’s a strong chance that you were blessed with the procrastination gene. And you’ve probably been here before.

But for any first-time all-nighters in the audience – fear not. I have been performing the art of the allnighter for many years, refining my skills to create my favorite sadomasochistic activity of all time.

Thus, I present to you: my top tips on surviving (nay, thriving) during an all-nighter.

4pm: MANIFEST THAT SHIT — I like to repeat ‘You’ve got this’ up to 47 times. To be honest, this SWIMMING in success. You are doesn’t really work, but it makes me SO ahead. So SO ahead. feel like a study-tuber.

11.30pm: 500 words com4:30pm: Check notes. Highlight plete. Not ideal. Let the panic flow notes. The reason? Colours make through you — ride that wave. You are the surfer. You control that wave. brain happy.

Surf to your destiny. Cowabunga et 6pm: Ok, so you might have de- al. layed this. Whatever. Make a study 3.00am: Remember that chapter playlist. you deleted at midnight because it 6:37pm: Close laptop and go was mediocre? It’s time to throw to Sainsbury’s. Now is the time to that one back in. pick your poison. Chilled coffee is a 3:01am……………………… great buy. Red Bull is too. Both are even better – especially if you want ………………………………… …………………………. a heart attack.

weren’t such a piece of shit.

4;;;56aM: Jerk awake when you hear your cool flatmate getting home.

7am: Don’t vomit when u hear birds tweeting. …///////////////////////////////// ////////////////////////////oHGODIVEONLYGOTANHOUR 11:57am: Proudly hit submit.

Instagram your success. Reclaim Catholicism and pray for a miracle. Consider attending confession.

The shaking. When will the dreaded shaking stop?

3:45am: YouTube Gangnam 8:00pm: Acknowledge how Promise to never repeat this. Reahead you are. With half a plan and Style. Listen for 30 mins. Reminisce 17 hours to go, you are absolutely on when life was good and you peat vigorously through uni.

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Why I’m giving up compulsory modules for Lent.

Some Christians choose to fast during Lent. This means they can only eat one full meal a day, plus two smaller ones. That’s two scotch eggs on their own and a third one served on a plate with some salad.

celebrating the first ever Pancake Day, our Lord Jesus went M.I.A. in the desert for forty days and forty nights. And as someone who spent the first seven years of their education in a Church of England school, I can confidently say that besides Every year I try to give something not eating or drinking, Jesus didn’t up for Lent: chocolate, uncontrol- complete a single compulsory modlable crying, trolling Piers Morgan ule during that stint in the wilderon Twitter. This year, I decided to ness. Not one. embark on my toughest challenge yet. That’s right – Following this example, I too will I’m giving up compulsory modules. be resisting the temptation to watch any compulsory lectures this term.

It’s a well-known fact that after Maybe I’ll lurk in the seminars for

a cheeky attendance mark, but my classmates will simply have to go without my astute observations and witty repartee.

This Lent, I want to take the opportunity for some ‘me time’. I might take up a new hobby, catch up on some sleep, prepare a dance routine for UCL’s Festival of Intimacy. Who’s to say?

What I do know for certain is that I won’t be letting those pesky sixty credits get me down, and neither should you.

Contributors to this issue: Alfie Pannell, Ella Ticktin-Smith, Rob Davidson, Jennie Howitt, Stephanie Frank, Riddhi Kanetkar, Kit Rooney, Sophia Robinson, Eleanor King, Caitlin Chatterton, Maryam Badghisi, Asad Mirza, Emilie Mussbach, Rusheen Bansal, Juliette Grieve.

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LinkedIn notification: Charles ‘If’ - by Rudyard Smith has just posted for the Kipling Stanley first time in a while.

Johnson Charles Smith - Bronze Duke of feination, in which I snorted pure coffee powder so that I could keep Edinburgh, BSC, MBA, OBE working on my hustle.

Failure is a part of life.

Since then, I’ve bought my first I learnt this in my first year at London townhouse, and I have over university, when I was rejected from £3 billion pounds in my Monzo aca spring week with Goldman Sachs. count. I also founded a tech startHowever, instead of seeing this as a up, which produces pogo sticks that setback, I decided to use it as an in- are connected to an app. credible opportunity to develop my Sometimes good things fall apart resilience. so better things can come together.

I started to name my alarm ‘Rise #motivationalmonday #entreand Grind’, and I woke up at 3am every day. I did yoga in front of the preneur #successstory #influencer mirror, while chanting the phrase: ‘I #thegrindneverstops #selfmade am confident. I am an entrepreneur. #forbes30under30 #thoughtleadI am literally the best.’ I developed er #CEOmindset #pogostick an innovative delivery system of caf- #techguru #metoo

Extremely helpful deadline advice.

It’s March, and we’ve all run out - My horoscope told me that I need of Extenuating Circumstances ex- to take my time with life. cuses.

- I was too busy playing with worms Below are some justifications that in in the garden.

I’ve used during my time at UCL, which should provide a point of in- - I missed two weeks of lectures bespiration during the last few weeks cause I was trying to get my Sim to of term.* pass university.

- My mum had a dream in which Je- - Tetris emergency. sus told her that I needed to submit an extenuating circumstances form. - I had an STI test and received some bad news (super-gonorrhoea).

- I was devasted by Harry’s royal family departure and was unable to - I was bitten by worms while playwork. ing with them in the garden.

If you can lose your head when all about you Are keeping theirs and not blaming you, If you will trust no one, except Cummings, And subjugate all who vote against you If you can hate and not tire of hating; Not lied about, yet the purveyor of lies; And lose, so start again at your beginnings; 6 (?) children with a wife, girlfriend and mistress; If you can fill the interview’s minute With 60 seconds of feckless stupidity be

Which is more my son, you must

Alexander Boris dePfeffel Johnson.

- I have a broken heart.

- I have a broken toe (tripped over running to collect an Amazon parcel).

- My nipples were too sensitive to write the essay.

- I injured my back carrying the conversation in Zoom breakout rooms.

- I had to attend a funeral for the worms in my garden.

- I spent too long thinking about - I was preparing for UCL’s super *Author’s Note: None of these extenuating circumstances excuses exciting and not at all questionable excuses have worked. I am averagand didn’t do any of my reading.

Festival of Intimacy. ing a third.

Humour

The Cheese Grater Spring 2021 11

An anonymous letter to people who don’t believe in astrology.

Dear Astrology Haters, How are you doing? There was recently a new moon in Pisces, which you were unaware of. Did you let go of what has not been serving you? Obviously not, because you still haven’t moved on from your ex (yes, the one that you texted during mercury retrograde). Notice how I know more about you than you know about yourself.

Anyways, stop hating on astrology. You just hate yourself and the fact that you’re the exact stereotype

of your sign. I’m sorry that you’re not quirky; you’re just a Capricorn.

Even worse, you barely know the characteristics of your sun sign.

Find another struggle, please.

Also - I know you have a hard time taking care of yourself, but genuinely please try. The planets are aligned in your favour since none of them are in retrograde till April.

Trust me on this.

Love and peace, A Taurus Moon

UCL’s Plan to Keep Our Tuition Fees, Exposé by Billy Fresher.

Hola fellow youths. In all my years dropping in and out of first year at UCL, I’ve never really felt that tuition fees were worth it. I keep on paying though, because to be a fresher is to be a spring chicken oblivious of the upcoming trip to the battery farm, and money doesn’t really exist anyway.

revolves exclusively around using the main quad “more” over summer.

I am partial to a community BBQ myself but they’ll need plenty of BBQs for the number of students this year, and I don’t think that level of heat anywhere close to Jeremy Bentham’s rotting head is a good idea.

tion fee refund, and I could be easily won over by *checks notes* sitting on a patch of grass on Gower Street.

However, if I fail my exams and attribute some of the blame to a lack of library space, I don’t know how hard I’ll be willing to fight UCL and/or the Government for a tui-

I will be holding new Provost Mikey personally accountable if I don’t get at least a couple of Urban Outfitters vouchers, which keep me looking fresh among Gen Z.

Oh, crap. You are in the first ity traits!

Zoom lecture of your new module, Fear not, my unsociable friend. and the professor wants you to bond The Cheese Grater Magazine is here with your classmates. to help.

“Tell me an interesting fact about 1. Talk about your accomplishyourself ”. ments in sports. Everyone will sureBut alas, at this pivotal moment, ly be impressed: you’ve forgotten all of your accom“My name is Will. I’m excepplishments and favourable personal-

tional at aqua-jogging. I’ve won multiple awards, as indicated by the crowded trophy shelf I am nonchalantly situated in front of. Allow me to adjust the angle of my laptop to also demonstrate my wall, plastered with my impressive certificates of participation.”

During my latest stint as a hotshot journalist, I discovered that UCL’s plan to make the £9,250+ value for money is called - and this is not a joke - “UCL More”, which revolves exclusively around using

How to introduce yourself on Zoom.

2. Something you’re really interested in!

12 Spring 2021 The Cheese Grater

“I’m fascinated by the alphabet soup noodles. Is there a lower-case alphabet soup? Is there someone who shapes every single noodlette by hand? I wonder if this is a career worth pursuing. Do you think the alphabet soup noodle companies are hiring? Anyway…I’m here to learn about hydroclimatology.”

Have you played Among Us?

3. Everyone loves food, right?

“I’m Nia and I am awfully interesting. I’m in an unhealthy relationship with my favourite food: vegetable fusion gyoza. I’m as obsessed with it as Piers Morgan is with Meghan Markle.”

4. How about something quirky?

“Hello fellow students, my name is Ahmed. An exciting fact about me is that I like to crochet my own sustainable reusable condoms. I make them out of discarded clothes I find in Camden recycling bins. They’re available on my Etsy, if you’re inter-

Humour

ested.”

I have enough imposter syndrome as it is

“I’m Jennie. I’d rather put my left tit in a panini press than take this 5.

And if all fails, just be hon- compulsory module. Can’t wait for est. No bond is stronger than shared the coursework.” hatred.

Humour

The Cheese Grater Spring 2021 13

An Apology from the Cheese Grater Magazine’s Editors.

Dear Readers, Some of you may have noticed that this issue includes a Grinch meme in it. And although in lockdown the very notion of time seems arbitrary, you may also have noticed that this issue has been published in March, and not on Christmas Day. As Editors, we have a responsibility to take accountability when we have wronged our contributors.

We were sent this Grinch meme back in December, yet we continually forgot to include it in issues

and to publish it online. As the days deeply sorry. To our readers: we shifted further and further away apologise sincerely for depriving from the Winter festive season, it you of this top-tier content. became more awkward for us to use We can only hope that by admitthe Grinch meme. ting our faults and by taking the Thus, we have taken the deci- necessary steps to correct them, we sion to include it in this issue to can regain the trust of our readers acknowledge that we have failed. and contributors. We promise such Yes - we failed our readers and our a mistake will never be made again. contributors by not publishing this Yours Sincerely, masterpiece earlier.

Sophia Robinson, Editor-in-Chief To Jennie Howitt: the Grinch and Ella Ticktin-Smith, Humour meme is iconic, and we are deeply, Editor.

The unspoken impact of COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has what the pandemic has taken from affected everyone. The news is rid- you, take a moment to think of us dled with stories of people losing - the Jaspers, Hugos and Cecilias of their jobs, their relatives and their homes… Yet, no one ever speaks about the profound effect this pandemic has had on us: the British middle and upper classes. Due to COVID-19, we have had to endure the loss of multiple ski seasons, so cruelly torn away from us.

Spare a thought for those of us who have had to spend yet another winter unable to ski down the snowy mountains of St Moritz.

Those of us who have been unable to enjoy a warm glass of glühwein in the chalets of Gstaad, instead making do with a measly hot chocolate on the rolling hills of Surrey.

Oh, how I long to spend upwards of £3000 on new ski gear I will only wear twice a year! I even feel nostalgic for the time a celebrity ran me over on her skis on the glistening slopes in Courchevel.

So while you complain about

the world - who have been deprived of ski season: the central pillar of modern culture.

14 Spring 2021 The Cheese Grater

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society President—Rob Davidson Editor-in-Chief—Sophia Robinson Investigations Editor—Riddhi Kanetkar Humour Editor—Ella Ticktin-Smith Online Editor—Adam Bloss Graphics Editor—Maryam Badghisi

president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org online@cheesegratermagazine.org

© Students’ Union UCL, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. Views expressed herein are not necessarily those of SU UCL or the editors.