Cheese Grater Magazine Issue 76

The

Cheese Grater

Issue 76 - Spring 2021 cheesegratermagazine.org facebook.com/uclcheesegrater It’s the third lockdown, passage of time is arbitrary and all has lost its meaning.

Distract yourself from the apocalypse with the new issue of The Cheese Grater!

Inside this Issue: UCL’s disability discrimination problem, How sustainable is UCL?, Stand up against the persecution of Uighurs, A poetic self-portait of an English Student, and more...

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News & Investigations

Leaked recording highlights UCL’s disability discrimination problem.

“I wasn’t expecting just full ableism in front of my face” Rob Davidson & Stephanie Frank The member of staff responsible for implementing Summary of Reasonable Adjustments (SoRAs) within UCL’s School of European Languages, Culture and Society (SELCS) has been accused of ableism by a member of a complaints panel. The panel was convened after a disabled student claimed that the department failed to implement his SoRA. The complaint was upheld. A recording of the meeting, which was made available to the student, includes the accusation made after both the member of staff and the student had left the meeting. Another member of the panel added, “I found his attitude quite scary actually”.

The student’s SoRA required that audio-visual ‘Lecturecast’ recordings of teaching and a competent note-taker would be provided to assist their learning. Despite this being an established requisite, Lecturecast was only provided in one module the student took in the 2019/20 academic year, and the notetaker did not speak the language being taught. Disabled Students Allowance (DSA) guidance requires note-takers to have a “familiarity with subject specific vocabulary”, while Equality Act 2010 Technical Guidance notes, “it is unlikely that an education provider will discharge its reasonable adjustments duty if the adjustment made provides little benefit to the student”. It seems UCL has, in this case, failed to carry out this duty. The discrimination faced here is another addition to the examples of disabled students being systematically let down by the university, which was highlighted in the Disabled Students’ Network (DSN) report publlished in January 2020.

Under Chapter 4, Section 5: Rea-

sonable Adjustments of UCL’s Academic Manual, the university vows to ‘make reasonable adjustments to learning, teaching and assessment to support students with a disability or other ongoing medical or mental health condition’. Government changes to Disabled Students’ Allowances in 2016 mean that universities are responsible for the provision of note-takers.

The member of staff reported the department’s main justification for not allowing audio-visual recording in language classes to be a pedagogical one, as they were concerned that students would contribute less to the conversation if they knew they were being recorded. However, no students on this module were consulted to check if this might be the case.

During the recorded meeting, the member of staff from SELCS stated: “I can’t help you run a marathon, you have to do it with your own legs. I can guide you and give you as much advice as I can, but ultimately if you don’t follow through on that advice I’m not sure what progress you can realistically make”. The panel repeatedly mentioned that the student’s ability at the subject is not pertinent to the issue of whether the SoRA was implemented.

In an email from the staff member to the student read aloud by the panel, he said there existed “a mismatch between [the student’s] intellectual strengths and learning preferences and those of language learning”. These words, which may suggest learning a language simply isn’t for students who require these adjustments, are strikingly similar to a testimony from Part 4: Academic departments of the Disabled Student Network’s (DSN) 2020 report, where a

student “was even told by a senior member of staff that UCL is an ‘institution that expects a minimal level of functionality from its students.’”

The member of staff from SELCS further justified prohibiting Lecturecast by claiming: “It’s not like actually the four hours [of language classes] per week is the be-all and end-all. You don’t understand how to express a past action in [the taught language]?... Well the coursebook and the revision exercises are there for that”. His words could be seen to contradict the rationale behind UCL’s 70% attendance requirement, which was in place when much of this course was taught.

Unfortunately, this deeply concerning incident is not an isolated one. Last year, The Cheese Grater investigated an occurrence of ableism against a deaf student, whose provided note-taker was hard of hearing himself - something the note-taker had not disclosed.

Both note-takers were provided by Randstad, an agency UCL uses regularly. This worrying resistance to fulfilling students’ additional requirements has meant that students such as Mette Westander, an MSc Cognitive and Decision Sciences student, left UCL last year due to the university’s perceived unwillingness to accommodate her SoRA. A lack of knowledge surrounding disabled students’ rights to reasonable adjustments may be partially to blame for these issues. The DSN report outlines how module leaders are often unaware of whether a student even has a SoRA, or how it can be accessed.

When asked whether the services ofStudent Support and Wellbeing (SSW)

News & Investigations

were helpful, the disabled student in question maintains: “I feel overall SSW did their best, but my understanding is that at the time (and maybe still? I don’t know) SSW were not actually allowed to force departments to act if they chose not to implement SORA or other disability-related adjustments”.

Ultimately, a top-down approach from UCL may be required to elicit change - and to manage improved disability support within all aspects of the institution.

A spokesperson for UCL said: “All UCL students with a disability or longterm condition have the right to high quality support, ensuring they can demonstrate the full extent of their academic abilities and achieve the very

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best results... We have apologised to the student and both the Student Support and Wellbeing Team and the department will ensure all the recommendations made by the Panel are implemented and the best support is provided to the student moving forward.”

SSW has started to recruit disability support workers directly from student communities within departments where speciality knowledge is needed.

Last year, the UCL Student Experience Committee set up a Task and Finish Group, to look at the experiences of disabled students and with a view to making positive improvements. They have asked SSW and Disability Rights UK to review the student journey at UCL. This includes reviewing SoRA

implementation and the complaints process. The Committee’s co-chair, Professor Deborah Gill, praised their work so far, adding: “We very much welcome Professor Sasha Roseneil’s appointment [to the role of Pro Vice-Provost (Equity and Inclusion)] to carry on and augment some of the important work started by this group.”

In spite of recent measures perceived to improve disability support for students at UCL, substantive changes have been few and far between. Although this incident has momentarily spotlighted UCL’s failure to uphold its responsibility to disabled students, many cases still go unnoticed due to a lack of knowledge and transparency surrounding disability rights.

Academia and air travel: how sustainable is UCL? Juliette Grieve & Riddhi Kanetkar Despite a growing awareness towards tackling the climate crisis, many UK universities ‘have spent tens of millions of pounds on hundreds of thousands of flights over the last four years’. This is concerning due to the detrimental impact that air travel has had on the environment. As one of the major pollutants on this planet, air travel needs to be curbed if universities are to reduce carbon emissions. Indeed, with academic integrity being tied to a heightened international reputation, the association between academia and aviation is strong. Many academics are ‘frequent air travellers’, who visit countries abroad for conferences and research purposes. However, with the world now confined to a stationary framework of online Zoom calls and lab tutorials, there is hope that aviation emissions will decrease.

Between 2016 – 2020, UCL was named as one of the ‘biggest polluters’ for their use of air travel. With a reported 21,138 flights accrued between the our years, questions can be posed about

UCL’s commitment to sustainability.

This concern was echoed by Sustainable UCL, who outlined that: ‘Travel makes up almost half of our total carbon emissions, three times as much as heating and powering our buildings! We can combat this by promoting active travel, and by improving teleconferencing facilities and online resources.’ With this in mind, one would expect that reducing the aviation output would be a key concern for the university.

UCL’s sustainability goals.

UCL has published its environmental goals for 2019-2024 in a document titled Change is possible: The strategy for a sustainable UCL, with its priorities listed under “Headline Commitments for 2024”. However, neither air travel nor reducing transport more generally were mentioned in this section.

The document does later acknowledge the issue of travel under its “Positive Climate” campaign. Here UCL states, vaguely, that it aims to “explore ways to help our staff and students reduce the climate mpact of their travel” in order to maintain global connections without

leaving London. The only concrete solution which was mentioned to tackle the issue of air transport was the enhancement of video conferencing software as a replacement for in-person meetings. However, platforms such as Zoom and Microsoft Teams have existed for years, which begs the question: why did it take so long for UCL to propose this solution? Whilst the use of video conferencing is possible in internal meetings, UCL may not have control over the way other institutions run their academic conferences to which they are invited. As such, UCL could promote a cross-institutional consensus on using video conferencing software, which could effectuate change across UK universities.

In his ground-breaking 2019 article, The case for letting anthropology burn, Ryan Cecil Jobsen touches on the uncomfortable irony surrounding academic conferences. Even in subjects concerned with tackling oppression, climate change and its impacts, academics often fly miles to attend conferences, adding to the climate crisis in

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the process. As always, climate change will affect the least privileged most significantly; during the San Jose American Anthropology Association Conference, attendees were hosted in temperature-controlled venues, whilst incarcerated workers laboured tirelessly to fight the Californian wildfires and the vulnerable members of the local population struggled to rebuild their lives. The need for long-term changes in university conferences is therefore becoming increasingly evident.

The future for sustainable strategies UCL’s sustainability strategy document

Society Bitch Happy 17th birthday to the Cheese Grater Magazine I guess.

When I was 17 I threw a bottle of scotch at a duck in a canal. Well karma is even more of a bitch than me because boy have I been feeling like an enraged duck of late. First and foremost Soc Bitch has big blue balls from the much anticipated No Detriment Policy. Thank God for that extra 1% on the grade boundary – after all without being able to go campus and libraries, or

News & Investigations

is likely outdated; they mention that enhanced video conferencing should be implemented by 2021 but as we all know too well, the replacement of inperson activities with online software had already become our new normal in 2020. We have first-hand evidence that video conferencing does work, albeit with the occasional technological difficulty. The end of the COVID-19 crisis will be a good opportunity for UCL to make some drastic changes to their long-term travel policies. The success of video conferencing during the pandemic provides us with the hope that it is possible for universities to maintain

global partnerships whilst also caring for the planet.

have in person teaching, we’re only missing out on 1% of our degree. Soc Bitch would have used all five of her Extenuating Circumstances for a cray holiday but COVID says otherwise.

She’ll just have to read about influencers who needed to go to Bali for their ‘mental health’ and feel her summer days driftin away...

Like GoT, I have a network of ‘little birds’ surveying the tea ready to be spilt. However these birds are in lockdown so I’ve resorted to pigeons who don’t dish the same sensational stories.

It’s all just coo this coo that. Ugh. Anyway I actually had something to dish but my ‘editor’ removed it because he ‘struggled with InDesign’, and it ‘wasn’t essential’. Well Soc Bitch don’t have

time for this bs *snaps finger with 00s sass.* Colour me Jackie Weaver because my authority has been righteously questioned. Where is all the gossip? Where is the drama? Literally – like I was hoping I’d have hit hit up Bloomsbury Theatre by now. Meanwhile Musical Theatre Society have been unusually quiet. If their term 2 show is just another Zoom-fest and they’re singing showtunes from their acoustically challenged flats, we can defo expect a series of noise complaints from the cranky woman next door. (And yes I’m cranky how are my cats supposed to sleep with all this racket?!)

A performance review by People & Planet’s University League, an ‘independent league table of UK universities ranked by environmental and ethical performance’, placed UCL as a 1st class institution in conjunction with their wider sustainability goals and practices.

Ranking among the top 20 UK institutions for sustainability, we can hope that UCL develop upon this drive for environmental preservation, and make increased progress to minimise their aviation output.

How Effective Was UCL’S UberEats Voucher Programme?

Alfie Pannell For first year students in accommodation, self-isolation has been a fundamental part of the freshers’ experience.

While some have managed to avoid quarantining, many have not been so fortunate and have endured up to fourteen days shut in their flats. Yet, for those confined in the first months of Term One, there was a silver lining: a £280 UberEats voucher.

In anticipation of students needing to isolate, UCL devised a system to accommodate them and monitor the spread of the virus on campus. According to the university, Connect

to Protect “has been designed with public health experts to help us monitor and respond to coronavirusases at UCL and inform our testing programmes.” All students who exhibit symptoms, test positive for

COVID-19, or have to isolate for any other reason are instructed to register with Connect to Protect.

For residents of UCL accommodations, enhanced procedures were put in place to provide support in

solation. The key support measures include “a free hamper of essential food and cleaning items” and “vouchers for free meal deliveries.”

News & Investigations

Indeed, as the first students registered with Connect to Protect, they became the initial beneficiaries of these vouchers.

Unsurprisingly, many of the young residents of UCL halls were overjoyed at the news of the vouchers. One student, Jael Gless, had to isolate twice; both times for being in contact with someone who tested positive. She described the uplifting effect of the scheme on her experience in confinement.

“It was the highlight of my isolation honestly… it was good to have something to look forward to… otherwise it would be quite a sad isolation.”

While Gless did not contract COVID-19 until returning home to Switzerland, she still had to quarantine for a week each time while she awaited test results. Her experience of the voucher system reflects that of many students who faced the mental and physical hurdles of confinement: the support offered by UCL improved their time in quarantine.

Although UCL undoubtedly deserves praise for its support of students like Gless, who had to isolate for longer periods, the tenability of the voucher system needs to be evaluated.

Because all students who registered with Connect to Protect automatically received vouchers, there were inevitably cases where those who only isolated for a few days were issued £280. The system evidently had no protocol for these false alarms; the vouchers continued tobe valid for fourteen days from their issue date regardless of whether students were still isolating.

One accommodation resident, Celia Jey, registered that she had ordered

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test but did not receive the voucher until four days later. By this point, her test result had come back negative and she no longer had to isolate. Yet, the voucher remained valid for two weeks.

However, Jey’s situation was not unusual - many others were granted £280 to spend at their will despite being able to leave their flats. It could be construed that, if UCL’s voucher fund was limited, then the allocation of vouchers to students who no longer needed them could potentially deprive students who needed the support most.

Indeed, the cost of the programme was evidently unsustainable as UCL ceased to provide UberEats vouchers in midNovember, switching to a catering system instead.

pandemic when we are supposed to be isolating… to call up different services for them to be giving us a service that we were entitled to in the beginning.

“I was at a point when I didn’t have anything in my fridge and I had to order food with my own money that I couldn’t really afford… isolation is quite scary - what if you get COVID, what if you can’t get food.”

Not only were they upset by the poor treatment and communication received, but also at the fact that the programme was terminated. Word had spread about the vouchers and they had become an expectation, and those who were denied the same support felt neglected and left out.

While this decision may have been fiscally sensible, the transition to the new system was ostensibly abrupt, and left students feeling even more anxious and lonely in isolation.

“It’s completely ridiculous - if you’re going to give everyone else UberEats vouchers with ease who had isolated before us, why can’t we get the same support back.”

One student spoke to The Cheese Grater about his experience during this transition period. After his flatmate had symptoms of coronavirus in midNovember, he and his flat had to isolate for fourteen days. Yet, their quarantine began on the day that UCL ended the UberEats programme. They received a food package containing bread, milk, fruit, and cereal but were left in the dark about the voucher.

The UCL website still guarantees the vouchers, despite apparently no longer offering them. The university is under no obligation to provide such support measures; however, the frustration of students who expected to receive UberEats credit - not only due to their peers’ experience but also based on current UCL information - is understandable.

He then had to spend days chasing up the different authorities: UCL Accommodation, Connect to Protect andWellbeing. After his emails went unanswered, he resorted to phone calls - yet, upon introducing himself and his situation, he was hung up on.

“I did not feel supported at all. It should not be the students job during a

The Cheese Grater has reached out to UCL for a comment from the university on the total cost of the programme. Nonetheless, its cancellation after less than two months suggests a significant financial burden.

UCL should have devised an alternative that could accommodate the number of students who would have to isolate over the whole year. A more co-

Contributors to this issue: Riddhi Kanetkar, Stephanie Frank, Jennie Howitt, Rusheen Bansal, Alfie Pannell, Rob Davidson, Ella Ticktin-Smith, Sophia Robinson, Matilda Sykes, Adam Bloss, Shivam Pathak, Emilie Mussbach, Asad Mirza, Maryam Badghisi

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hesive allocation of funds, as opposed to the fragmented system we have seen

News & Investigations

implemented, could have alleviated students’ stress when having to isolate,

and could avoid further anxieties brought on by changing the system.

University of London rent strikers voice their concerns.

Riddhi Kanetkar can. It’s not just the issue of rent. There’s dundancies; adequate quarantine meals

In December 2020, amidst growing cases of COVID-19, students across UK universities started organising what is considered to be ‘the largest rent strike in 40 years’.

been sexual assault, and they’ve threatened evictions. The quarantine food has not always catered for Muslim, Jewish or vegetarian students, as they’ve not been provided with foods they can eat.”

A rent strike entails a group of tenants refusing to pay rent, typically to protest high rent prices and/or uninhabitable living conditions.

As such, UoL rent strikers are aiming to bring more attention to their cause.

They have started a petition to encourage the UCL Student’s Union to ‘hold a referendum on support for the University of London Intercollegiate Rent Strike’. A primary concern to strikers is that UoL remains unaccountable to their students, as there is no centralised ‘UoL’ Union.

With London now experiencing a sharp rise in COVID-19 cases, many students are staying at home instead of returning to university accommodation. While UCL have made reasonable adjustments in releasing students from their accommodation contracts, UCL students living in University of London (UoL) accommodation have not yet been offered a no-penalty release from their contracts.

Rent strikers have identified key problems that need to be remedied, which include exorbitant rent prices in Central London, threats of eviction during the pandemic, and inadequate treatment of students who are in quarantine.

With students being confined to their rooms to study online for the foreseeable future, many have also experienced a decline in mental health, caused by isolation and a lack of welfare support.

Speaking to Emerson Murphy, an organiser of the UoL rent strike, he outlined how the issues they were fighting against exceeded rent payments.

“They ignore us because they feel that they

The Cheese Grater reached out to a UoL spokesperson for a response, who replied: “We are confident we don’t have any unresolved complaints and are committed to providing our residents with a safe place to live. There are clear channels to report any incidents, and we offer support and advice.

The University is committed to ensuring that the Intercollegiate Halls remain a safe home for residents and staff. As a result, we have procedures in place for our staff and students to ensure collective responsibility for mutual safety.

We are now offering halal and vegan options to students in isolation/quarantine in addition to the meat and vegetarian options which have been available since the start of this academic year.”

Some of the key demands of the rent strikers include: 40% rent reductions; no-penalty contract releases; no staff re-

that cater to all dietary requirements; mental health support for those struggling; and no repercussions for rent strikers.

While UCL has offered students a release from their rent contracts, those in UoL accommodation have license agreements, in place of tenancy agreements. This makes it difficult to leave rent contracts, especially for international students.

With the third lockdown once again depleting the chances of any in-person interactions before reading week, halls of accommodation have enforced strict social distancing policies. However, Emerson outlined cases where students were subject to unacceptable treatment during quarantine.

“During a lockdown, a resident had no clean clothes, so they went to the laundry room. However, [they] were immediately issued with a warning.”

Three warnings result in an eviction, a prospect which is extremely questionable during a pandemic, especially for international students.

With growing discontent among students living in university accommodations across the country, many are relying on the hope that universities will prioritise student welfare above their financial gains. Rent strikers represent the interests of students who have been routinely ignored and alienated during this pandemic – and it is vital that their demands are implemented at a time like this.

Voices

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Examining UCL’s Apology for its History of Eugenics.

Rusheen Bansal ogy not released three years ago when abuse. Moreover, they pledged to

On 7th January 2021, UCL issued a formal statement of apology regarding their role in the “development, propagation and legitimisation of eugenics.”

They admitted the blatant contradiction of the subject of eugenics with their values of “equality, openness and humanity” along with the delay of their acknowledgement and implementation of appropriate actions against the propagation of eugenics. This included the renaming of buildings and spaces named after eugenicists, along with recognising and educating students and staff about UCL’s involvement with the subject.

The apology comes at a time where systemic racial inequalities are being recognised around the world – prominently in the United States, where the death of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor kickstarted masses of protests and widespread acknowledgement of white privilege. However, this instigates a key question: why was this apol-

UCL launched an investigation into its links with eugenics?

Was it because race was not at the forefront of the global political climate like it is now? Or could it be that UCL was waiting for the results of the inquiry, whose recommendations were deemed inadequate by multiple UCL professors, before making a public statement? There is no doubt that 2020 ignited a global dialogue about race relations as they exist today. Many in the UCL student body have been vocal about implementing changes in their department, like petitioning to ‘decolonise’ the curriculum in departments in the Faculty of Arts and Humanities, by including texts from postcolonial and ethnically diverse scholars.

Soon after the public apology, UCL launched its “Let’s Talk About Race” campaign to foster open conversation and provide resources to staff and students regarding racial harassment/

commit more resources towards the disabled community, bridge the BME Awarding gap and institute the ‘Sarah Parker Remond Centre for the study of Racism and Racialisation’. These provisions are an important stepping stone in effectuating the sentiments expressed in the apology.

As an international student of colour, I gravitated towards UCL because of the diverse student body and apparent inclusivity, as it is located in one of the most global cities in the world.

Diversity meant acceptance, which meant equal access to opportunity. Having only discovered its links with eugenics through a research project for one of my modules, I was appalled at the lack of action taken by the university to acknowledge its past and ensure an equitable future. Given that UCL has never appointed a female or BAME Provost, I hope that this is the beginning of their trajectory towards equality.

We cannot let the persecution of Uighurs escalate.

Amber Kite morals could have stood by, like those cation camps’. It is important to note

*Trigger Warning - this article contains mentions of sexual assault and violence* “I would have done something.”

It is a drunken, slurred statement of bravado, and to his credit, one that the speaker probably believes. He refers, with an earnestness reserved only for those several pints in, to the concentration camps of 1940s Europe; the horrific internment, torture and systematic destruction of the Jewish population.

According to him, no one with modern

people back then. Who could go about their daily life, ignoring the steady disappearance of an entire group of people? Who could Keep Calm and Carry On when faced with such injustice?

As it turns out, in 2021, that is exactly what we are doing.

At the time of writing, the Chinese government has detained over three million Uighurs, a Turkic minority group that resides in the Xinjiang region of north-west China, in ‘re-edu-

that these camps are absolutely not concentration camps, because such institutions would represent substantial crimes against humanity, and China doesn’t do that. No, in a sinister attempt to redress the cries of concern surrounding their existence, they have been boldly marketed as “boarding schools, where the students eat and live for free,” which sounds positively delightful, and entirely unsuspicious.

These ‘schools’ employ several guards to keep their students safe and secure,

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whilst also doling out fair and appropriate punishments for infractions such as looking staff in the eye, speaking to each other, or flinching when a fellow student is gang-raped in front of the class. Reportedly forced to rote-learn books on the history of China and the current president, the prisoners -ahem, students- are expected to recite entire passages from memory or face brutal punishment. Different coloured uniforms signal their academic prowess in this area, and in a fun twist, each colour corresponds to a degree of food restriction and starvation. Poor grades mean empty bellies. That would certainly solve the freshers 15, eh?

Perhaps you’re shocked to see this written in such a blasé fashion. Good.

You should be. This is the attitude the international community seems to have taken. The lived experience of the Uighurs that have emerged from their ‘re-education’ is harrowing to read, yet I urge you to do so. Beatings, food restriction, torture via electrocution - all alleged crimes of a regime which uses the guise of antiterrorism to mask the

Voices

alleged crimes of a regime which uses the guise of antiterrorism to mask the Chinese officials to dilute and destroy the bloodline.

Many women, some still in their teens, recall being handcuffed in dark rooms with masked men to be brutalized and assaulted. Multiple reports have surfaced of rape with electric cattle prods. Take a moment to let that sink in.

Here is the crux of the matter. The information is there. The world knows, and the world is waiting for someone else to act. At four thousand miles away, it is simply too far for many of us to care.

Would you have done something, on a cold, windy night in 1938, when your Jewish neighbour was dragged from their home and shoved in a truck?

Would you have done something when your disabled friend disappeared in the night? What will it take for us to stand up and say enough? In this vile repetition of history, do they have to fire up

the gas chambers before we draw the line in the sand?

Here’s what you can do: Sign the petition - “China: Respect Uyghur Rights Before Hosting 2022 Olympics,” asking the Olympic committee to stop Beijing hosting the Winter Olympics unless the camps are closed.

Write to your MP asking the government to act. Not sure what to write?

Head to Amnesty International to find a free template.

Donate to help Uighurs fleeing to Turkey. Aid cannot be sent into China currently, but you can help the refugees that have left everything behind, many of whom have loved ones in the camps.

Use your voice, post about the issue on social media, spread the word, send the above actions to your friends and family.

“I would have done something.”

This is an opportunity to prove it.

Surviving Final Year During a Pandemic.

Anonymous mental illness, I am not only having our eyes that mutually acknowledges,

When I started my first year at UCL in 2018, I had grand ideas of what the next three years of my life would look like. Like many, I was hopeful; keen to immerse myself in the world of academia, I was looking forward to being surrounded by the bustling London life. Imagine my shock when halfway through my second term of my second yeut when it was all over, and summer came, I thought, ‘at least next year will be better. Next year we’ll be back to normal’. WRONG. So here I am, in the second term of my final year, and in a third lockdown.

I know it is not going to get better soon.

This is it. This is my university experience. As a student with a pre-existing

to navigate my studies in the context of COVID-19, but also my ever-worsening mental health. The NUS survey revealed that over half of students reported a decline in their mental health.

Although I have been able to manage my illness on my own for over a year, I once again found myself in therapy. Of course, there is no shame in that, but Zoom therapy, like Zoom university, doesn’t quite live up to the real thing. When I tell my therapist that I feel completely alone, isolated, cut off from the world around me, they cannot in turn tell me to get in touch with a friend, go out for a coffee, eet up with someone. We stare at each other through our webcams with a look in

‘this is just what life is like now, there’s nothing you can do about it’.

Yet somehow, I am still expected to carry on with my studies and perform to the same standard as before. How? When I finish my dissertation, I will not get to take a nice picture in front of my department with a beautifullybound copy of the giant essay I poured every ounce of my being into. Instead, I will likely just collapse on my sofa, exhausted and drained. I do not get to have a celebration.

When I finish my exams, I likely willnot be able to go out with my friends to celebrate finishing our degrees, to commemorate the years of hard work

Humour

we’ve put into our higher education.

I will not get to don a cap and gown and take photos with my proud parents outside the Royal Festival Hall. I will not get the catharsis which I have earnt.

Instead, my graduation present will likely be the terrifying question: What next?

Finishing university this year does not just come with anxiety, but also with overwhelming fear. Many do not

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have any sense of security as to what comes next, where we’ll be going afterwards, what life has in store for us. And we fear, too, that our results will not represent the hard work we’ve donebecause it is virtually impossible to perform to a ‘pre-pandemic’ standard, during a cycle of lockdowns. But we have not been given the reassurance of a safety a safety net, nor have we been promised that we will not be punished for daring to finish our degrees while COVID rages on.

UCL’s new no-detriment policy of lowering grade boundaries by 1.5% is unlikely to benefit the vast majority of students, whose primary concern is getting substantially lower grades in their exams than they would have in normal circumstances. 1.5%, is this really all our anxiety is worth?

So I fear, because I have no answers and only questions. I have no security and only uncertainty.

Crisis on the Central Line.

Amidst ongoing problems in the city’s transport network, worrying reports have emerged of multiple gates being broken at Aldgate tube station in the City of London. Although the

volume of commuters using the station has fallen significantly since March 2020, there are still large crowds gathering at the station entrance where people are unable to move beyond the

ticket gates.

One elderly man stated that he was forced to jump over the gates with the help of strangers, after his ticket was

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repeatedly rejected. Others have been crawling under the gates, or even trying to kick them open. However, the gates remain firmly jammed. Transport for London has apologised for the inconvenience caused, explaining that the situation has likely arisen due to a tech-

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nological failure. TFL staff at Aldgate have been unable to reopen the gates and have ordered several mini-ladders from Amazon so that tube passengers could climb over them instead.

Allen, who works at the station, com-

mented: ‘We’ve had problems with the ticket gates before, but this is the worst it’s been in ages. Really, the situation can only be described as Aldgate GatesGate.’

Author’s note: none of the above events occurred.

Book Review: ‘An Oxbridge Education’ (London, Penguin, 2020).

Professor Smith’s new book on the consequences of an Oxbridge educa-

tion is good, given her circumstances.

It must have been tough coming from

a London university, and she’s tried her best to provide a meaningful con-

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tribution to the field. For that, I commend her. It’s always good to bring diverse perspectives to sociology, even if this occasionally results in a decline in research quality. Smith’s use of oral testimonies is particularly innovative, although I have to disagree with her finding that Oxbridge students are no more qualified to be Prime Minister than any other graduates. I have a close-knit circle of friends who I feel would thrive in positions of political leadership.

The book spans just short of 1000

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pages, and to be honest I’m surprised that Professor Smith could write so much, given how little she contributed to our shared research project in 2005.

Yet despite all those words, she struggled to find a convincing conclusion - just like I struggled to find my own food in the communal fridge, the sandwich thieving shit.

Professor Smith has no regard for anyone around her, and her book is nothing but an attack on on traditional values and decent people. Frankly, it

was much better left unwritten, and I hope other scholars will not be basing their research on this twisted pile of crap. In fact, I feel that Professor Smith ave been much better doing a PhD in sleeping with other people’s wives, which is clearly her area of expertise.

Fuck you, Linda, and fuck everything you stand for. I hope you’re happy now - good luck with ruining someone else’s life.

Stars: 0.1/5

New Years Resolutions

2021 Resolutions - Stop sitting on the ls loo during zoom cal -Stop hoarding toilet paper ess -Accept that happin e is transitory and tim isn't real

UCL issues new support for medical students.

With medical students trapped at home, UCL Medical School has introduced new resources to improve online learning. The Cheese Grater has learned that the following changes will be implemented shortly: 1. Each student will receive a free

copy of the board game ‘Operation’ so that they can practise their surgical skills from home. To best replicate a real operating theatre, learners have been told to sit at their desk wearing a full kit, including visor, gloves and apron.

2. In light of the current situa-

tion, students will need to be confident in caring for COVID-19 patients. UCL will therefore be sending all medical students a coronavirus sample, which they should use to infect themselves and then treat their symptoms as necessary. Students are discouraged from calling 999 if they experience compli-

12 Spring 2021 The Cheese Grater

cations, due to existing pressures on the NHS. 3. UCL has advised students to continue taking notes on their laptops to ensure that their handwriting becomes as bad as possible. This way, students will soon forget how to use a

Humour

pen, enabling them to issue prescriptions like a professional once qualified.

UCL have assured us that there is no need for medics to fear that they are missing out on their education. In addition to the above measures, students will also be receiving private tutorials

with world-leading medical specialists, lasting up to ninety seconds per student.

A source said: ‘This will ensure that our professors aren’t overwhelmed with the prospect of actually connecting with their pupils on a personal level’.

Humour

The Cheese Grater Spring 2021 13

A Self-Portrait of an English Student and Artist I miss reading on trains. I miss annotating

‘So true!’

I am a cut above.

My bookmark is an old train ticket.

My bag is tote, not leather.

Those fancy leather bags won’t fit my books.

My favourite podcast is In Our Time.

If people say

they watch

‘Love Island’

I smile, but feel bad for them.

If I am not reading I am talking about reading. Or taking a

shit.

I like to talk emphatically about how not

to

waste

time.

It is important at least one person a day hears about how I came to university to

pathetic,

learn,

It makes me feel great.

not to make friends. you are wasting

I like to pour scorn on people who don’t work hard. It is space.

I am a literary person.

You

hate me all want to be

but you

me.

14 Spring 2021 The Cheese Grater

UCL Cheese Grater Magazine Society President—Rob Davidson Editor-in-Chief—Sophia Robinson Investigations Editor—Riddhi Kanetkar Humour Editor—Ella Ticktin-Smith Online Editor—Adam Bloss Graphics Editor—Maryam Badghisi

president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org online@cheesegratermagazine.org

© Students’ Union UCL, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. Views expressed herein are not necessarily those of SU UCL or the editors.