Charlie Brooker: The Cheese Grater interviews the man behind the Black Mirror mask

Charlie Brooker: The Cheese Grater interviews the man behind the Black Mirror mask

Wanna B. Vice

Sprawled in the middle of my living room, a virtual reality headset eclipsing his vision while he furiously masturbates into a handful of ham, sits the prophet of our age: Charlton “Charlie” Brooker. Messiah of millenials, the medicine for our mid-noughties malaise. I gently remove his headset and begin my questions.

Firstly Mr Brooker, it’s great to meet you. I’m a huge fan of your work -

“Fans? Did someone say fans? How did you know about the huge fans? The fans on the ceiling are part of the gameshow, they make people go in them and then they’re in the gameshow. Giant fan gameshow. Giant gameshow fan. Fan... giant.... game.”

You’re too kind. I’ve got to ask: where do you get your ideas?

“Sometimes they come in the spaceship, or they make them come up on my phone. I have to do what the phone says, then I can see the future. Then I know what the phone people are saying and they’ll be happy for me.”

Quite. How would you describe your creative process?

“It’s a way into the future, it lets me open eyes and makes the swirls all be clear. The words, they just come out, into mouths, so many mouths. Mouths full of shit and piss and fuck, make them stop chattering, please.”

[Brooker starts to salivate energetically, and rocks backwards and forwards.]

“Nyaaaaaaaar”

You mentioned “nyaaaaar”. Is there any way you can elaborate on that?

Brooker collapses and issues a deep, rumbling moan. I put my finger to his lips and softly silence him. There is no need for words. Even from this short interview the situation is fairly clear. The greatest screenwriter of our generation – if not of any generation - has transcended mere human understanding. His unique and singular insight into the human condition and his stunning camera angles have rendered him a being of pure art. I leave, burdened at once with both an ancient insight and a childlike wonder. Truly, we live in an age of Gods.