Happy landings at Tākaka fly-in

Someday, every one of us will be in the position of hearing from a friend or family member about a loss in their lives. Knowing what to say or do is not easy.

It may be the death of a loved one, devastating health diagnosis, miscarriage, divorce, accident, or other trauma. You may feel inadequate, worrying about saying the wrong thing, not sure how to reach out and yet wanting to “do something”. I have been there. I know I’ve said some stupid things I wish I could swallow back and, worse still, sometimes failed to turn up at all, fearful of getting it wrong.

Every person is different; responses to grief and shock vary, so there’s no right or wrong. But some responses are more helpful. Grieving families I meet with often say how wonderful it is to have friends “be there for us”. They appreciate flowers, baking, cards, phone calls, prayers, taxi service, gardening, hugs, meals, and visits. When wanting to reach out, it is good to ask your friend, “Do you feel like a visitor today?” Or “Would you like me to deliver tea tomorrow?” They may need time in the garden alone or feel overwhelmed with a full fridge and diminished appetite.

Hearing memories of good times and talking about their loved one is special, whatever the loss. One lady – showing me cards she received after her husband died – read her favourite one: “The first time I met Stan, he dropped his glass eye in his beer.”

So how do we show empathy and compassion? After discussing this with my friend who is on a journey with cancer, she shared some useful information. The advice is simple enough: “Consider this your permission slip to be kind. People need exactly what we have to offer – ourselves. Reflect love. And say something”.

There are also unhelpful, and maybe hurtful, roles to avoid. Minimisers: looking for something good to say, who start sentences with “At least...”. Teachers: who have Googled to find information and share facts that are better left to doctors or specialists. Solvers: wanting to fix problems, who talk about other people who have tried stuff and gone on to be well.

Here are some quotes from Kate Bowler’s website “Caregiving Happens” that I found helpful:

“There’s not enough language for being right up alongside pain. But sometimes we find we need a lot less language than we thought and instead we just need somebody who can just be close to us, regardless of whether they have the right words.”

“I hope people would start listening and leaning in a little bit more and stop saying that phrase, I don’t know how you do it.”

And from the book The Grief Walk by Alister G Hendery: “I wanted someone who would walk with me. Not people who would talk at me and give me answers, but simply listen to me.”

“The friend who means the most is one who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with me the reality of our powerlessness.”

“The most valuable gift we can give a person in grief is the gift of our presence and companionship.”

Spanky Moore is an interesting man who was a musician, then a radio announcer, and now an Anglican minister. He has created the21 Elephants Podcast. One of his interviewees is Meredith Thorpe from Tākaka, in the episode “Before I Go”. Her husband, Jonathan, recommends it as an “insightful, helpful, sad, and silly talk about facing death”. A very worthwhile, interesting, heartbreaking hour-long listen: https://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&type=E21 0US739G0&p=21+elephants+..meredith+thorpe+youtube

Empathy and compassion are simply trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, yet always keeping in mind that every person, loss, and reaction is different. You can’t change loss, can’t stop grief, can’t change the outcome, but you can sit with someone and “be there” for them.

If you noticed a few more light aircraft flying over the Bay this past Saturday it was not your imagination.

You were witnessing the “Breakfast Fly-in” hosted by Golden Bay Flying Club and organised by club member Ryley Fleming.

The fly-in saw light aircraft from as far away as Masterton and Fielding touch down on the Tākaka airport strip, with 29 competitors in total. The skill-based aspect of the fly-in is to land as near as possible to a painted strip on the runway – with a Nelson Aviation College plane taking out the closest landing honours.

Ryley tells The GB Weekly that it was a good turnout and that the clear weather conditions helped. “They are more keen to come when it’s good weather, as they are reliant on visual navigation.”

Marina Kuri from the Wairarapa Aero Club flew with her instructor Walter from Masterton, with a late departure due to cloud cover. Her flight path to Tākaka took her west across Plimmerton and Mana Island, taking two hours and 11 minutes, “with a fair few bumps”.

“It was 100 times more incredible than I thought it would be,” said Marina. “Flying over the Sounds and Abel Tasman was spectacular.”

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AGM NOTICES

PURAMAHOI Hall AGM, Friday 11 August, 7pm at the hall. THE Golden Bay Community Health Te Hauora o Mohua Trust AGM will be held on Monday 21 August at 10.30am at the Activities Room of Golden Bay Community Health, 10 Central Tākaka Road.

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