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Prayers for Grieving Parents Help after a miscarriage or still birth
by Rev Nick Donnelly Dedicated to my wife, Martina, and our baby, Gabriel All booklets are published thanks to the generous support of the members of the Catholic Truth Society
CATHOLIC TRUTH SOCIETY PUBLISHERS TO THE HOLY SEE
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Contents Purpose of this booklet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Grieving for an unborn child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 Things that can help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 7 Questions to place before God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Prayers for parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44 Jesus shares our suffering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53 Liturgical Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61 - Suggested Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage . . .64 - Shorter Rite for Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .70 - Suggested Order of Naming and Commendation of an Unborn Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .72 - Funeral Mass for an Unborn Child . . . . . . . . . . . . .78 - Funeral Liturgy outside Mass for an Unborn Child . .85 Further help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93 Acknowledgements Bishop Patrick O’Donoghue for his support; Canon John Watson & Fr Robert Billing for their comments and encouragement; Fr Peter Scott, Cardinal’s Advisor on Healthcare Chaplaincy, & Mo Kirk, Grief Counsellor, for their invaluable advice; the staff and supporters of the Bluebell Foundation, South Cumbria, for giving us a life-line, and finally, Julie, Mike & Emily for being there for us during the dark days.
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Purpose of this booklet This book of prayers, practical advice, meditations and services has been written for parents whose child has died through miscarriage or stillbirth. In July 2007, my wife, Martina, conceived our baby Gabriel after 20 years of hoping that we would be blessed with a child. The next month or so was the happiest, most exciting, time of our lives as we enjoyed Martina’s pregnancy and looked forward to being parents at last. However, at about 12 weeks into the pregnancy there were signs that things were not right, and a scan confirmed our worst fears – Gabriel had died. Instead of birth, we were faced with the death of our baby and the ordeal of Martina’s miscarriage. We are both heart-broken and still suffering moments of intense grief at the absence of Gabriel and the loss of all our hopes as parents. I know, through talking with other parents, that our experience of grieving is something we share in common with tens of thousands of couples who struggle with the tragedy of miscarriage and still birth every year. It is my hope that other mothers and fathers who are grieving about the death of their daughter or son will find this booklet helpful.
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It’s just as important that other people, including clergy, religious and laity involved in bereavement ministry, realise the depth of grief suffered by couples through miscarriage or still birth. It’s not uncommon for couples to suffer the added burden of others behaving as if miscarriage is not really the death of a child. It is my hope that this booklet will encourage others in the Catholic Church to develop pastoral provision for couples bereaved by miscarriage and still birth. To this end, a number of services especially composed by the Church for the care of the unborn child and grieving are included for ministers to use in their support of these families parents. Finally, it is well known that many women who have had abortions suffer guilt and grief over the death of their child, for which they desperately need healing. I truly hope that this booklet helps them, and their partners, find the loving mercy of God, and the hope that one day they will be re-united with their little ones. Deacon Nick Donnelly St Mary of Furness Barrow Diocese of Lancaster
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Grieving for an Unborn Child ‘A voice is heard in Ramah, lamenting and weeping bitterly: it is Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted because they are no more.’ (Matthew 2:18; cf. Jeremiah 31:15). It is important to understand the nature of grief, because it can have an enormous effect on all our relationships, including our relationship with God. I have found that prayer is one of the things that I need to do most as a grieving parent, but it is also one of the hardest things to do. Grief over the death of a child is not merely one of the most intense emotions that we can experience, but it is a state of existence that at times makes normal life difficult, if not impossible. Things that we have taken for granted, like work, friendships, prayer, going out to do the shopping or attending Mass, can become difficult, even unbearable. The sight of pregnant women and babies, or baby clothes and toys, can trigger desperate feelings of loss, anger, jealousy or guilt. At times grief can be all consuming, leaving no aspect of our personality or inner-life untouched. It can be like waking up into a nightmare world in which we have become a different person – pain-racked, desperate, and
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despairing. Sometimes it feels like the only possible thing that could take away the pain is to hold our baby tight in our arms, but that one thing that we long to do is impossible. It is not uncommon for grieving parents to want to die to end the pain and to be with their child. The Church’s understanding of God’s prohibition against suicide can be a strong anchor during such storms of emotion. It’s essential to talk openly and honestly to someone you can trust to be understanding and not over-react. Often talk of suicide is a way of communicating how upset and desperate we feel and is not an indication of real intent. However, if you find that your thoughts morbidly dwell on methods of suicide or making plans to carry it out, it’s essential that you talk to your husband or wife, GP or nurse. In an emergency, contact the Samaritans immediately. Part of the grief is knowing that life will never be the same again, even for parents who have children already, or continue on to have other children, because there will always be pain at the absence of that unique little boy or girl. Women and men grieve differently It is also important to realise that men and women can cope with grief in very different ways, that if not faced openly and frankly admitted can add to the pain of the grief that you are both suffering.
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Though this is a generalisation, and of course there will be exceptions, husbands tend to cope with grief by throwing themselves into work or activity in an attempt to escape the pain, while wives cope through talking and physical intimacy. Physical touch can be very necessary for a grieving mother because her body has been changing through the pregnancy to nurse and feed her baby. The physical absence of her baby is an intense part of her grief. Problems can happen in marriages when these different ways of coping with grief lead to husbands and wives feeling isolated and lonely at the time when they most need understanding and love. It is essential that you talk together and share how you are both feeling. Never be afraid to talk about your baby, even if it makes one or both of you upset. It is vital for your relationship as husband and wife to share the suffering together. There is strength and comfort in knowing that at least one other person completely understands what you are going through, and that person can only be your husband or your wife. You may find the support and advice of grief counsellors very helpful in learning about the different ways you are both responding to the death of your child. Grief is not straightforward Sometimes people talk about grief as if it’s a linear sequence of phases that you pass through like denial,
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anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. But grief isn’t that simple or straightforward. In my experience grief can be more like a spiral, with parents passing in and out of anger, depression, suicidal or self-harming thoughts, acceptance, and hope. The intensity of these emotions can lessen with time or exhaustion, but events or thoughts can trigger any emotion associated with grief. Grief is more like a number of hard things that you have to face in your own way and at your own pace. Every couple is different, so don’t let others try to set the pace for you, and sometimes husband and wife will go at a different pace or cope in different ways. This is why it’s so important to keep talking to make sure that a distance doesn’t grow between you. People who have thought about grief suggest that there are four hard things that couples need to face together.1 Accepting that your baby has died We use all kinds of euphemisms not to say the hardest of things, that our baby is dead, like ‘we lost our baby’, ‘our baby’s passed on’, ‘we had a miscarriage’, ‘the pregnancy ended’. It was important for Martina and myself to say, ‘our baby has died’, ‘Gabriel has died’. In this way we acknowledged the full reality of our baby’s death and gave ourselves permission to feel and express the depth of our grief.
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Feeling the pain of your baby’s death There is often the assumption that the worst moment of pain and suffering is experienced by the couple around the time they learn that their baby had died. However, often shock and the busyness of the miscarriage or still birth numb the couple to the pain of grief. It is only later that the full reality of grief hits. It comes in waves, like an emotional earthquake, that sometimes make it impossible to function. The feeling of losing control can be frightening, especially for men who may not be used to expressing such intense feelings. The temptation is to try to suppress it, to force the pain down, but this isn’t healthy in the long term because it stops you working through the grief. But again, you have to go at your own pace. Facing a life without your baby Though it is hard to believe at the time, the crushing waves of grief will gradually become less overwhelming. The pain changes, goes deeper. Sometimes it bursts out again, triggered by some chance remark or seeing something or a random thought. Then the pain goes quiet again. During these quiet times you begin to face a life without your baby. At first you just go through the motions to meet the demands of home, work and other people’s expectations.
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Nothing feels worth doing, and some things just seem impossible, like going down the baby aisle at the supermarket, being happy with other people’s babies or at the news someone you know is pregnant. Life only becomes meaningful again gradually. At first a small part of normal life reasserts itself, then another part, and another, that with time join up and become a life that’s more than grief. Making a new life together Having faced these three hard things there comes a time when you realise that you are both making a new life together. There is enjoyment again, pleasure in the outside world, and making plans for the future. Sometimes you get pulled up short because you realise that you haven’t thought about your baby for hours. Its common to feel guilty, even ashamed, but don’t give yourself a hard time! At times like these I’ve said to myself ‘What would Gabriel want me to do?’ I know he’d want his mum and dad to be happy. I also know both Martina and I will never be the people we were before the miscarriage because we’re living in a world without Gabriel. But I also know that we’re starting out on the next stage of our life together and that both our lives are richer because Gabriel is our baby, and one day we will be together again.
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The grief of brothers and sisters If the couple have other children, it’s important to realise that they will be grieving too, in their own way. When I was a young boy, my brother, Paul, and my sister, Catherine, died shortly after birth. I can still remember the absence of my mother and the silence in the house. One of the things my mum did that helped me was we remembered both Paul and later, Catherine, on the Feast of St Peter and St Paul. Talking about my dead brother and sister with my parents helped because it recognised that what had happened was part of my life as well. I grew up thinking of Paul and Catherine growing up in heaven, which was like a far away country. In my mind’s eye they are around the same age as my other brothers, my sister, and myself. If you explain to children that you are upset instead of trying to hide it from them, it will help you and them work through the grief. Remember that children are very sensitive to emotions, so even if you try to hide it they will pick up that something is wrong. Problems can occur if they don’t understand why you are sad. Some children, in an attempt to understand what’s going on, will blame themselves, thinking they’re responsible for their mum and dad being upset. Just as its essential that you share as a couple about what you’re feeling, it’s also vital that you share with your children in ways appropriate to their age and temperament.
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Love is stronger than death Christians, and other people of faith, know that love is stronger than death, so its not surprising that parents experience a continuing relationship with their dead baby. People working with grieving parents, such as Phyllis Silverman, tell us that it is very common for mothers and fathers, and brothers and sisters, to seek new ways of continuing the relationship with their child or sibling. In the early days of grief some couples have an irresistible urge to stay at the grave of their baby. Also it’s very natural to talk with your baby, imagine him or her in heaven, see him or her in your dreams or feel his or her presence. Some people worry that doing these things is a sign of madness, but far from being mad its part of the natural way we cope with the death of someone we love. One of the strengths of being a person of faith is that through the Church we have ways, such as prayer, the sacraments and rituals, of building a continuing relationship with our baby’s soul in heaven. Concerns about burial One of the common worries among couples after a miscarriage or still birth is around the treatment of their baby’s body. Miscarriages can occur at home or hospital, so we’ll look at these separately: