When “I Do” Doesn’t Last Forever: Seeking Justice Through the Annulment Process

It is probably safe to say that few people walk down the aisle on their wedding day anticipating that their marriage will one day become a statistic. But for one reason or another, despite the best intentions in saying “I do,” not all people find themselves in a viable, sustained marriage. Sadly, for many Catholics who have suffered the pain of a marriage ending in divorce, the joy of a second chance at love may be dampened by a sense of disconnection from the Church and the Sacraments.

However, for Catholics who are civilly divorced, and desiring to be united to Christ and His Church through the sacraments, a life of celibacy is not the only option. The annulment process is one by which the Church seeks to walk alongside an individual in reflecting on their relationship and coming to understand if there were factors which, from the very beginning of the marriage, made it impossible for one of both parties to truly enter into the sacrament.

“The Church says that marriages are forever and if both spouses are alive, no matter what the state says, we recognize that marriage union as something that endures,” says Fr. Tom Donovan. “But we also have the very human experience that there are times when a marriage has a defect so crippling that it prevents a couple from being able to live what Christ has in mind for what marriage is.

“If we enter into marriage correctly, there’s nothing in heaven or earth that can undo that,” he adds. “But as flawed and imperfect human beings, there can be defects in the way we enter into marriage, and we realize there are cases where the words [“I do”] are said, and the things are done, but the sacrament didn’t really happen.”

In the past, an annulment has often been misunderstood as a “Catholic divorce,” while in reality, it is quite the opposite. While a divorce signifies the legal end of a contractual union between two people, an annulment declares that a marriage is “null,” or in other words, never really existed, as God intended marriage in the first place.

“To have a marriage, it needs to be faithful, fruitful, final, as far as the vows and intention, and it needs to be free,” Fr. Tom says. “If someone isn’t free, that can’t be a valid attempt at marriage.”

“As part of the annulment process, we go back and look at the marriage and say, ‘Was there something defective about what people were thinking marriage was, all the way from the beginning?’” he adds. “That’s what makes an annulment different from just ‘Catholic-style divorce.’”

Nadine and Jake Messmer were married in 2018 after both of them sought and gained declarations of nullity for their former attempts at marriage. They now enjoy a life-giving, Christian, sacramental marriage together and encourage others who are seeking annulments.

“The Church family is the most important thing that keeps you going — it’s a cornerstone and means you have someone to lean on,” Jake says. “If you’re going to go through the process of an annulment, use those people to encourage you to get it done.”

“If your faith is deep, anything is worth doing to keep your faith,” Nadine adds.

There are many factors, ranging from psychological and emotional maturity to coercion, to a lack of understanding of the meaning of the sacrament, and more. These factors or “defects” make it impossible for a true, Christian marriage to take place.

“If we’re able to definitively say that there was something defective there, we can say that never really was what Christ intended as marriage, that was not a Christian marriage,” Fr. Tom says. “It was an attempt at marriage and the children you had during that marriage are understood as a product of your love, but there was something from the very beginning that prevented a real lifelong Christian marriage from existing, maybe from one or both parties.”

Fr. Tom clarifies that the majority of couples would admit to having no idea what marriage entailed before saying “I do” — however, the grace of the sacrament often empowers them to live out their vows through a variety of challenging circumstances. This is why the process of declaring a marriage to be “null” can only take place once a couple is civilly divorced. As long as a couple is still married, the Church does everything in her power to assist and support couples in living out their vows.

“Grace builds on our imperfections and fills in many gaps when we make a decision like becoming a priest or getting married,” Fr. Tom says. “Everyone enters their vocation a little bit broken and we should trust that, even if we did enter in with the wrong intentions, grace can build on that and we recommit ourselves to our marriages every day. But, if a divorce does happen, that would be a case where we’d go back and look at things.”

In the end, the annulment process is a way in which the Church seeks to bring about justice — both for the individuals involved, as well as to honor the Church’s teaching on the indissolubility of marriage.

“The Church wants justice in this,” Fr. Tom says. “If you have not had a proper Christian marriage, the Church wants you, in justice, to be free to have a true Christian marriage.”

Fr. Tom hopes that parishioners who have completed the process of a legal divorce will be open to the possibility of looking back and recognizing what may have inhibited them — or their former spouse — from fully or freely entering into the Sacrament of Marriage.

“Just give us a call and let’s see what might be possible,” Fr. Tom says. “Trust God to let the process unfold as it might.”

For Fr. Tom, there are few things more rewarding than helping people to complete the process of an annulment, bringing them back into union with the Church and the sacraments, if they have been away.

“Being in a marriage that’s not recognized by the Church after a divorce is probably one of the greatest things that pushes people away from the Church,” Fr. Tom says. “Let’s see if the Church can provide healing and help, some justice here. Let’s see if we can help you to re-engage the sacramental life. That’s my job as a priest — to help facilitate that anywhere we can.

“[The annulment process] recognizes our humanity, recognizes our brokenness, and recognizes that there is justice that is found in mercy,” he adds. “This is not to scold and point fingers, it’s to set things right. What a privilege, what a wonderful thing to participate in. It’s a sign of God’s providence, writing — with really crooked lines — His will into people’s lives. We hate that the broken marriage happened, but to finally set things right, there’s nothing quite like it in the world.”

For more information about the annulment process, please contact Fr. Tom Donovan at 217-222-5996. Fr. Tom can either assist you through the process or refer you to another annulment advocate, based on your needs and preferences. We also hope to host an informational event with someone from the diocesan tribunal, who works on annulment cases, to share about the details of the annulment process, as COVID-19 precautions allow. Please contact the parish office at the number above for more information.

Nadine and Jake Messmer were married in 2018 after both of them sought and gained declarations of nullity for their former attempts at marriage. They now enjoy a life-giving, Christian, sacramental marriage together and encourage others who are seeking annulments. “The Church family is the most important thing that keeps you going — it’s a cornerstone and means you have someone to lean on,” Jake says. “If you’re going to go through the process of an annulment, use those people to encourage you to get it done.” “If your faith is deep, anything is worth doing to keep your faith,” Nadine adds.