The Great Tea Spoon Mystery

‘And Another Thing...’ The Great Tea Spoon Mystery

No, not an obscure Famous Five novel. Let me explain. I was emptying the dishwasher the other day, (The Leader of the Opposition was at her Nuclear Weaponry for beginners class) and I wondered how many teaspoons there might be in the UK, as one does. No amount of searching across various sites gave me any clue. I thought I would go to the Worshipful Company of Cutlers for the answer. Yes they are real and have been around since 1416 which is just after a quarter past two. Alas they had no answer either so I did my own calculation. According to the latest Census there were 27 million domestic dwellings in the UK. Nolan Towers has 20 teaspoons in its collection so if that were an average number there could be at least 540 million teaspoons circulating in UK households alone, enough for 8 each. Of course, the poorer countries of the world would have a much lower spoon ratio per head of population so spare a thought for them this Christmas as they share the family implement. Bet you count your spoons now to see how you shape up!

Of course, the most famous cutler was Alan “Adge” Cutler and his Wurzels, that famous English scrumpy and western band. Talking of scrumpy, I went to my doctor the other day due to a constant headache. He told me I should drink more scrumpy to numb the pain and I said: “Wouldn’t that just make me drunk?” He said: “Oh, that’s just a cider-effect.”

My Parisian mate Sebastien recently sent me a CV/resume for his mates’ son who was looking for an internship in the UK. It was exceptionally well written, ably showing off the English language skills of Jules, until my eye

was drawn to his previous work experience which included being a barmaid. Sacre Bleu!

In food news, it seems that underwater power cables have been mesmerising brown crabs. Apparently the electromagnetic field emitted by the cables causes cellular changes to their blood. Who studies this stuff? I was speaking to a crab the other day and I said: “What’s your name and what’s that on your back?” It said, “Michelle” (in a slightly scouse accent).

I bought some venison steaks. I really am spoiling That Woman. Not really vegetarian minded but I had to think twice about Rudolf being served up at Café Nolan at this time of year. I lost my appetite on reading the warning on the packaging which said: “Bullet remnants may remain in the meat.” Great. I then thought we would try vegetarian “bacon” to balance our green equation. Give me the bullet remnants every time. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.

In other animal related matters, a boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts, “Hey, are you a Caiman?” The alligator shouts back: “I’m alright, thanks kid.”

We witnessed a young lad in the local pub struggling to gain the bar persons attention due to his lack of height. To help, I penned this on the spot.

“It’s hard to be served when you’re not very tall and people look over you.

So I’m eating my greens and stretching myself cos I’m going to be six foot two.”

by Vince Nolan

Some time ago we invested in a water filter

smacking kids law introduced in Wales for 2022. Whilst being welcomed by most right-minded people it will of course be nothing but bad news for the Cardiff under 14’s Lederhosen Formation Slap Dancing Ensemble who will no longer be slapping each other as part of their routines unless they are given special dispensation by our First Minister. Saw this in a local pub on their specials board: “We Love Local and champion local farms and fisheries.” All very laudable but the first item on their menu was Mediterranean Olives. Overheard in the same pub: “Every time we come here we come here.” You don’t say. A recent WalesOnline article bizarrely claimed that GPs were working 40 months an hour overtime. I have no doubt they are ridiculously stretched at present, but 40 months an hour? That’s over three years an hour. The only way to do this would be to time travel so maybe they were referring to Dr Who. In my world this would be like driving at 40 hours a mile which would be quite slow but not unlike trying to negotiate the recent traffic carnage in Cardiff City Centre as they impose bike lanes on the rest of us. The Sainted Mother-In-Law was looking for car insurance now that her stunt driving days are over. I managed to find a reasonable policy, sorted it out and paid for it. She in turn kindly reimbursed me with this immortal covering email: “Thank you, the Monet is in the bank.” I of course countered this with “There was really no need to give me a priceless impressionist painting but thank you anyway.” As we have observed when people type

something wrong it is called a typo. So if I say something wrong is it called a talko? Furthermore, would a typo on a headstone be a grave error? Between typos and autocorrect it’s getting harder to post stuff these days. One tiny mistake and your whole post is urined. Yard)to ensure that we had properly warmed upsince we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timerswho were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took The world has taken a strange twist – at least some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, theyagreed to join us. Picture the the parts I seem to occupy. I have been scene, 5pm on a sunny reading about a proposal for the 2027 Rugby weekday evening at the side World Cup which will prevent any team in red entrance to the Brewery on shirts and green shirts playing each other Caroline Street where four Yard)to ensure that we had properly warmed upsince we didn’t want to pull any drinking because colour blind people often struggle to distinguish between the two. Not criticising them of course but this would affect Wales, pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost,for support,rather muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timerswho were in the bar (could have been the

Canada, Ireland, Tonga, Russia, South Africa than illumination. An aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a and Japan. This had me in mind of that quote afternoon they would brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took from BBC snooker commentator Ted Lowe who famously said during one of his commentaries: “And for those of you who are watching in black never……remember. A drunk who smelled like a some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, theyagreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny and white, the pink is next to the green.” brewery got on a bus and sat weekday evening at the side Interesting lyric we heard on the wireless the other day: “Sports bra and a Maserati car.” Who would have thought of that combination? Apparently many have including a poet called Dave Cox whom I have just “discovered”. Intellectual property rules prevent me quoting any of his work here but I encourage you to look him up. A real comedy genius and hugely refreshing. and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost,for support,rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never……remember. I have also been reading Bob Mortimer’s aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the autobiography which I also strongly recommend. Funny, poignant and very clever, but enough about me. In it he recalls a tale about having chronic flatulence as a child and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The they took some convincing that my offer was Staying with the drink, there has always been which was both embarrassing and at times drunk's shirt was stained, his genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine,every day,all month. No wait, that’s not very painful. During one particular attack he went to the Doctors who managed to “release the pressure” for him. He quotes the Doctor as saying: “Better an empty house than a face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking on Caroline Street where four pensioners it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! noisy tenant” which I thought was very good. out of his pocket. He opened Presumably this was in the days before the Doctors were working 40 months an hour. who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes,but you don’t pronounce his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" Hasta la Vista.illumination. An afternoon they would the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and never…… remember. Merlotsfor me and Ammy.”contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He A drunk who smelled like a brewery got Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the on a bus and sat down next to a priest. really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other daywhilst man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that was full of bright red lipstick and he had the Pope does." a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of

Staying with Irish drink, I bought four cans of Guinness the other day, purely for medicinal purposes you understand. I was in the process of removing the plastic ties holding them together when the can I was holding exploded in my hand. A loud bang and I was wearing the contents which travelled up the ceiling, across the fl oor, over the worktop and onto the desk. Note the can in the picture has not been opened (in the conventional way) and still has the widget inside. It could have been quite nasty given how sharp the tin was. By a spooky coincidence, Guinness was How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to just read in the paper that the Pope does.” shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three cans for health and safety reasons. Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really but I am making a stand because of the need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t or anything like that but when the highlight of the pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” particularly as we both went along for the excitement. Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other weaving industry when something not straight was day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of know. I don’t know how I could ever live course, this should not be confused with the related without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine catawampus (look it up, I had to). talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr wine.” H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both walked past their front door where a note was pinned. great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a higher wall.” Talking of walls, I have no wish to mention the former US President ever again but, in his defence, he conservatory is so big that we couldn’t pinpoint came nowhere near to holding the it but because it sounded like our next door Presidential record for issuing pardons. neighbour was messing about in his garden. A few In the early years of the US, some acts hours later a sparrow introduced itself to us which must have fl own in when the patio doors were of treason, piracy and rebellion were open. Being man, the hunter, I used my instinctive forgiven. My favourite involved a man tracking and trapping skills and picked the little guy called George Wilson who was jointly up and released him back into the wild. No harm convicted of stealing mail at gunpoint done………………..well, until next door’s cat got and was sentenced to death by him. hanging. He refused a pardon in 1833 Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for from President Andrew Jackson and mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? was executed after the Supreme Court Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both ruled he could turn it down if he wanted eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give to. No pleasing some folk. his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as Continuing President……….wearing make-up and lying in front of us. Amen.” the rope theme:I was recently asked by the son of a good friend Soap on of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s a rope funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy Pope on a but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is rope what I wrote: My favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness I once owned one of the chewed pencils which to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used had developed a 20 year relationship with to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was a French side and played them home and 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from away on French international weekends. On Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing “Hello.”and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto I was reading about a court case where the accused our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports was described as “having murderous intent.” I was guys and I will come along and count them and quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know with camping.we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Now he is just Dav.escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell Hasta La Vista Chums next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike and we were on the ferry. There was no Customs inspection in France as we had already been inspected and we were off to Paris. We repeated the people smuggling exercise on the way back. Quite what would have happened if Customs had found Colonel Gaddafi stowing away on a St. Peter’s Rugby Club bus is anybody’s guess but it would certainly have caused a major diplomatic incident. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are must be astronomical. drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence Netherlands). Staggering. and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea you could yodel.” I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to particularly when being asked to embrace new

gizmo as seen here. This seemed like a healthy option until I noticed the algae growing at the bottom of the tank. Being a level headed person I consulted our resident expert, Dr Google (other search engines are also available). I found an expert in such matters, a Ph.D. in Chemistry at the for the first time the other day and the unique three University of Wisconsin-Madison. He had word location I was looking for was “You Are Lost!” been posed the following question by a Design fault or user error? Talking of intolerance, I am led to believe that the concerned citizen: “I took a sip of water from term heckler originated from the textile trade, where the filter and I could see algae in it. Will I be ok?” to heckle was to tease or comb-out flax or hemp fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee His response was superb if somewhat non in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in PC and went as follows: “By the time you the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would butt in with constant read this you will be dead. Just kidding, it’ll interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With take a week or two.” This was not blue-green algae of course which is toxic but we have this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs since reverted to tap (drinking as opposed which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: to dancing). My dog is a rubbish tap dancer. He has two left feet. When I was at the zoo “What size of shoe does your mouth take?”Ricky Tomlinson I thought I saw a frog tapping things out on a “This is what comes from drinking on an empty piece of wood. Turns out it was morse toad. head.” As part of my day job I appraise business “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of ideas before deciding whether or not I can the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny realistically help that business or person mouth.”resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. raise funding to support their planned project. “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no one would hear a word you’re saying.” I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I There are of course many ways to judge such matters and numerous economic tests one can apply. However, I have devised “The “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going Bohemian Rhapsody Simulation.” Having Halloween?” in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging reviewed their business idea I simply ask “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these myself: “Is this the real life or is this just the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), comes@bles are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.” I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was ear.” assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error?

fantasy?” You heard it here first. And I´ve just downloaded Queen’s movie, Bohemian Rhapsody. I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man. I was once asked at a job interview if I could perform “under pressure.” I said no, but I would give Bohemian Rhapsody a go if they liked. I cannot conclude this column without congratulating our Editors, Louise and Mark, for digging deep in difficult times to keep this spiffing publication going. Hard work brings its rewards and you may have already read that Cardiff Times recently won the prestigious Best Local Magazine 2021 at the Welsh Enterprise Awards. This was quickly followed by Prestige Winner (Magazine of the Year) in the Corporate LiveWire Awards. Hurrah. There we are Chums. We have arrived at journeys’ end for another year with happy news. Seasons’ Greetings to one and all and let’s hope that 2022, the Year of the Tiger, is a more predictable and healthier one for us all. I have noticed that people always talk about the ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ but nobody talks about the other four letters. Tger……rrrrrrrr! CARDIFF TIMES 11