Meet the Movie Doctors

Simon & Mark

Dr Mayo: So, we’re the Movie Doctors?

in need of a cure for a broken heart, tinnitus or . . .

Dr Kermode: Well strictly speaking only one of us

Dr K: Celluloid or humanoid, the Movie Doctors’

earned our title. Yours is an honorary doctorate.

Clinic will help.

Mine was earned by actually writing a thesis on

Dr M: Films will be referred to the relevant

modern horror fiction.

department, depending on whether they need a bit

Dr M: Well mine was earned by actually looking

of cosmetic surgery or something more drastic.

so fabulous in a gown, they decided to give me

Dr K: You can find Michael Bay’s films in the

another one. So we are both, strictly speaking,

recovery room.

doctors.

Dr M: And patients?

Dr K: Yes but neither of us is a medical doctor.

Dr K: Unlike in a real hospital, waiting times for

However as ‘movie doctors’ we are well aware that

patients’ clinics is minimal.

some movies need medical attention . . .

Dr M: From the moment you arrive at our doors,

Dr M: And also how other movies can make you

we’ll diagnose you and suggest cures for your

feel happier, make you nicer and well . . . weller?

problems. We’ve colour coded everything so you

Dr K: I think you mean healthier.

don’t get lost —

Dr M: I think you’re right, I do. And have we

Dr K: Or find yourself accidentally incorporated

constructed a rather fine conceit around this?

into a Human Centipede.

Dr K: Indeed. So. Imagine you’re a movie in need

Dr M: So sit back, dip your hand into your bucket

of medical attention – you might be far too long,

of corn-based snack and enjoy this beautifully

or unnecessarily upbeat, or be in need of a live

designed, elegantly written and strikingly

organ transplant . . .

affordable movie concept book. Nurse,

Dr M: . . . or you might be an actual human patient

the screens . . .

PHARMACY

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