FIGHT OR FLIGHT

A choir director recalls the day gun violence came to her school

By Kaytie Holt, interviewed by Eliza Rubenstein

On November 14, 2019, a student arrived to the campus of Saugus High School on his 16th birthday carrying an unregistered .45 caliber pistol. He used the gun to wound three of his schoolmates and kill two others—15-year-old Gracie Anne Muehlberger and 14-year-old Dominic Blackwell—before killing himself.

In the aftermath of the tragedy, Saugus High choral director Kaytie Holt was commended as a hero for sheltering students in her classroom and treating one victim’s wounds while they waited for help.

As the anniversary of the attack approached, Kaytie shared some of her recollections of that day— and her thoughts on how to keep other schools from having to experience a similar catastrophe.

Photo by Max Kleinen via Unsplash.com

Eliza RubEnstEin: Do you remember your sequence of thoughts and feelings as the shooting at Saugus High was unfolding? Can you describe it?

kaytie holt: I remember the incident very well. We were listening to some clinician tapes from a Jazz festival we had visited the previous weekend, so we didn’t hear the gunshots. Four or five girls ran into my room. One of them was a student from another one of my choirs. That student told me they had heard gunshots. I didn’t believe this was real, but I acted as if it was to be safe.

I locked the door and turned off the lights, I told all of my students to get in my office, I grabbed students from practice rooms and told them to get into my office, and then I barricaded the doors. After that, I joined my students in the office, which has another locking door. Once we were inside I tried to keep students calm, reassuring them that this might not be real, when thy student who had run into my class told me she believed her friend had been shot. I didn’t believe this was possible, as the girl had run into my classroom, but I still took a look. To my horror I saw a gunshot wound through her side.

I told my students that I was so sorry that things were about to get scary and that they didn’t deserve to feel so scared. I told them it would be okay, that the incident was probably over, and that I needed to get the gunshot wound kit, so they needed to lock the door behind me. I left my office to grab the kit and returned. One student was guarding the door with the fire extinguisher, and another had called 911 to report the injured student.

I did my best to use the kit to wrap up the gunshot wound. To my dismay, when I moved her arm to treat the wound in her side, she exclaimed in pain. She told me she believed she had been shot in the arm as well. When I looked, she had, which immediately filled me with fear because I only had one gunshot wound kit. I emptied out the first aid kit and decided on a maxi-pad. Another student helped me keep pressure on it, and the paramedics arrived shortly after. The student who was shot was incredibly brave, strong, and resilient. She is one of my favorite people today, and I am so thankful she survived.

ER: What prepared you to act as you did during the crisis at your school? Did you have specific training that you called upon? Were there other experiences in your past that helped inform your actions and reactions?

KH: A few things prepared me for this crisis, including an active shooter training that occurred in the Los Alamitos school district when I was doing my student teaching. My master teachers relayed a lot of information to me that I actually used. Saugus also had active shooter drills and posters in all rooms describing what to do in an emergency situation. There was also a training on how to use the gunshot wound kit.

I feel like these things helped “prepare” me as best they could, but nothing can really prepare you for what happened. Unfortunately, I also think that growing up in a world where school shootings are common, I [had] pictured the incident several times. I walked through what I would do in my mind several times, because it was becoming more and more common, and every time I would hear about it on the news, I would think of what I would do. I think that this mentally helped me when I went into “fight or flight” mode to just do what was needed.

ER: You’ve been honored and awarded for your life-saving actions, and called a “hero” by educators, students, parents, and media across the country. What’s that like for you?

KH: I don’t really like the “hero” title. I have some guilt about it knowing that there are a few other teachers who did the same thing I had to do who stayed out of the spotlight. It’s also just such a dark situation that it always feels wrong to have anyone say anything positive as a result of it. I just wish it hadn’t happened.

I also feel like I did what anyone would have done if they found themself in that situation, it’s the only thing you can do. You have to solve the problem put in front of you. I do, however, appreciate the great kindness I have been shown. I’ve been able to share that positivity with my students, which has been nice.

ER: You’ve shared some strong feelings about the fact that a student was able to acquire a gun (apparently an unregistered weapon built from a kit) and use it to kill and wound other students. If it were up to you, what would we be doing as a society to ensure that this doesn’t continue to happen?

KH: This question is always difficult for me to answer, because so many people were affected by this tragedy, and I may not share the same opinion as some of the survivors, some of the victims’ families, some of the staff, and some of the students. I don’t want to represent the school or speak on behalf of everyone who has been affected, because we do not all feel the same way.

However, in my own personal opinion, and speaking only for myself, if it were up to me there would be a lot more gun restrictions, especially on “ghost guns.” The student who carried out the murders on my school campus acquired a ghost gun [a gun sold as a kit], which has fewer regulations because it isn’t technically a gun yet—it has to be assembled. It is unclear to me whether the student was able to acquire it at age 15 or if his father (who had been deceased for a few years and suffered from mental illness) acquired it. Either way, neither of them would have been able to purchase a gun legally. Ghost guns should have the same restrictions.

I personally feel strongly about banning assault weapons and putting stricter laws on all firearms. I can tell you that having another person on campus with a gun would not have helped the situation at all. It was over in 16 seconds and claimed the lives of three children and wounded others.

As a society, I would ask for people to speak up and demand these laws be put in place, especially those on ghost guns.

ER: Do you feel that you’re a different musician in the aftermath of this tragedy? A different teacher? A different person?

KH: I definitely feel like a different teacher and person. I teach with the students’ wellbeing and mental wellness first. I don’t think this is very common in music. I think that lots of teachers see mental health as an excuse, that the real world is hard, and that students need to learn that. Well, I’ve seen the result of student mental well-being going unnoticed and it is not something I ever want to see again. Not to mention that my students are dealing with lasting trauma that will probably be with them their entire lives.

So many young people are dealing with traumas, and I think we forget that sometimes. Sometimes our rehearsal is not the most important thing.

As a person I’ve tried to be more empathetic, more understanding, and more open. I feel the great awareness of how short life can be and quickly life can change and I think that has made me a different person and has given me a new outlook—not necessarily a bad one, just a more honest one.

ER: How about your students? Obviously it’s been a challenging and unusual year for other reasons, too, but how have they been affected, and what have they found useful or helpful in the year since their classmates were killed?

KH: My students are incredible. They are strong and resilient and honest. They often tell me what they need and how they can be helped, which I’m grateful for.

It’s hard. Many of us have PTSD. Students running on campus or loud noises usually creates a mass panic. It’s really challenging, but my students also are the reason I go to work in the morning. They have been so supportive and hardworking. We have worked really hard as a school to better support mental wellness. We have a wellness center on campus and easily accessible social workers and counselors. I have taken over as the wellness center site coordinator as I am really passionate about the need for this.

We have also done several songs dedicated to the classmates who did not survive the shooting. Nothing really takes away the pain, but we try to grieve together in a healthy way, and we work to honor their memory and move forward with them in mind.

ER: Two students died in this attack. Had you taught or known them? How do you hope they’re remembered?

KH: I did not know the two students, but I do know their best friends—the girl I provided first aid for and another choir student who was also shot—and if the two students who did not make it were anything like their best friends, then it is a great loss. They have been described to me as funny, social, kind, and it really just feels like the school is a little darker without them.

I hope they will be remembered for their achievements, for their laughs, for their smiles, and for being the amazing friends they apparently were. My students always speak so highly of them.

ER: What’s your message or advice for other

teachers and choral directors working in a nation where mass shootings are all too common?

KH: That’s a tough one, because like I said, nothing can prepare you for this incident. I think that it’s important for me to say, while it is grim, that it is more likely a matter of “when” instead of “if,” and that teachers should genuinely think of their plan for what they would do when faced with an active shooter situation. Know how to treat a gunshot wound, know where you would hide your students, and know that you might have to put that plan into effect.

If you don’t want a shooting to happen at your school, you need to start really thinking about what you can do to prevent mass school shootings, because at this rate they will only increase. Something needs to change.

I wish I could say something more positive. I have seen beautiful things come out of students and our community after this tragedy, but it will never be worth the great loss of children’s lives or the livelihood of all the students who survived this event. So be prepared, as much as you can be, and be ready, or take action. 

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